break ups

Ex Moved on Quickly? Here's what you Need to know

That gut-wrenching moment when you find out your ex has moved on with someone else.

Whether they’re seeing, sleeping with or in a full blown relationship with someone else, the pain of knowing that it’s really over can be unbearable.

I think part of that pain is not being able to understand how they're able to move on so quickly. How can they just disregard us and go straight into something with someone else?

Obviously they didn’t love us that much in the first place.

Maybe they were secretly seeing that person behind our back.

The relationship clearly didn’t mean that much to them.

They found the break-up easy whilst we’re still here in pain.

All of these things can go through our minds because the thought of us being with anybody else just isn’t an option. So how can they just hop onto Tinder in search of the next person whilst we’re crying ourselves to sleep, resembling someone who looks possessed the next morning?

I think it’s important to understand that all of the thoughts listed above, many times, aren’t true. Just because someone has seemingly moved on quickly, it doesn’t mean that they didn’t love us or that they’re over us or that the relationship didn’t matter to them. Just think of all the stories you hear where someone has dated a guy/girl and it hasn’t worked out because they were still hung up on their ex?

The thing is, often people go in hot pursuit of finding someone else because they think that will fill the void of being without their ex. It will fill the gap where the relationship was and will fix what they’re feeling, which they can’t handle or deal with alone. Even if the relationship ended for the right reasons and they don’t want to be with you, moving on quickly doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten you. It probably means that this is what they’re using as a plaster/bandaid to temporarily heal that wound.

It’s rare that you can meet someone when you're straight out of a relationship and be fully in that new relationship for the right reasons. That’s not to say it doesn’t happen, but in many cases, it’s to fill that gap. That black hole of emotion that we just don’t know what to do with.

Some people struggle to face being on their own and what that means. They want to know that they can still get someone else and instead of using the time to get over the break-up and focus on themselves, they jump straight into the thing that’s going to give them the instant reassurance and confidence boost - dating someone else. And whilst doing that they’ll be taking all of the stuff from the break-up over into that new dating scenario or relationship, which is a cocktail for a complete and utter car crash.

So if you are feeling crushed that you’re sitting here alone and your ex is out with someone else and plastering pictures about their new amazing life on Facebook, just know that it can be a coping mechanism. People deal with break-ups very differently and just because on the surface it doesn’t look like they’re feeling anything, that likely isn’t true.

But what matters here is you, not them. What matters, and what I try to focus on when coaching people through this stuff, is that you’re setting yourself up SO MUCH BETTER by allowing yourself to feel this pain and kind of feel through it. Taking the time out alone and to be single is important because it helps you get over this break-up and everything that comes with that. It means that when you do want to go out dating again, you’ll be starting fresh over (or as much as is possible) instead of taking all that crappy break-up residue along the way.

This isn’t to say that you should now live in denial about the break-up and sit here waiting for your ex to stop dating other people, realise the error of their ways and beg you back. As I said before, the relationship probably is over. But just know that just because they’re with someone else or going on a dating spree, it doesn’t mean you have instantly been forgotten.

And if they are able to genuinely move on that quick, then the relationship clearly wasn't right for you either.

What’s important is that you focus your time and attention on what you can do right NOW to move forwards.

There are many ways I can help you through this if you're struggling.  Email me on laurayatescoaching@gmail.com and I'll tell you all the ways we can work together.

I also have my audio product on this topic, which you can find here https://gumroad.com/l/CrdFs

Laura xx

2015 Reflections - Love, Life & Work!

Image taken by Saskia of Saturday Nights Alright

I think like most people, I’m struggling to believe that 2016 is here! So, I thought it would be nice to write something a bit reflective about 2015 because…. well, a lot has happened!

So here goes.

Love

Ahh the L word. I tell you what, coaching people through break-ups is a sure fire way to make sure you’re working on your own stuff at the same time. It’s amazing when I work with people how the things we talk about and go over are often the things I need to make sure I continue to do and remember too. Anyway, 2015 was the year that I feel I properly got my head and heart in a good place again. So high five to me on that. That’s not to say that things don’t come up every now and then, but that’s life and I don’t think it’s possible get to a point where you’re completely clued up. Plus, wouldn’t that be boring?!

2015 was the year that I dated quite a lot. I thought I ‘fell’ for someone earlier in the year - that didn’t work out but I can definitely see that it was always supposed to happen that way. It taught me about what to look out for in future and didn’t end badly or sadly in any way. So that’s nice. And now I can see I didn’t fall for him at all, he was just the first person I really liked after my last relationship and I strongly believe that was the purpose of it happening. It also helped me become more resilient because I feel I saw the reality on that a lot quicker than I might have done as the ‘old’ me.

I’ve dated other guys too and met some really interesting people! I dated whilst in the US and that was an experience! I’ve made a few friends through my dating escapades so it just goes to show that dating can lead to friendship if it doesn’t work out. I have to admit, there have been some funny experiences in the mix too and I feel really lucky to have met some of the people I have. And in the ways I have.

So, right now, there is no one special person in my life but this is exactly how I wanted it to be as to be honest, I really haven’t wanted to be in a relationship this year. It’s always tough knowing the right balance between being open to meeting people and allowing things to develop whilst keeping sight of your main goals if they’re not relationship orientated. So maybe there have been times where I haven’t been as open to love as what I should or could have been, but I’m a strong believer in the fact that you can have it all - just sometimes, not all at the same time. But who knows what could change for 2016 ;)

Life

This is where the biggest changes have happened. This year I’ve pushed myself out of so many comfort zones and despite being sh** scared through many of them, I have truly learnt that nothing good comes from staying inside your comfort zone, especially if you want to make change. I’ve taken risks that have paid off and led to amazing opportunities and have used my ‘vision’, I suppose, as my motivator to keep pushing myself. Some examples include travelling alone, doing talks (getting up in front of people and talking made me want.to.die. Much less so now though and I’m starting to enjoy it!), getting myself in front of a camera (soon to be released on YouTube), putting a podcast together, making connections with people who I’d never have dreamed I’d have been able to connect with, and going on dates with people who I would probably have never met if it wasn't for travelling and trying out new things. It’s crazy the stories we tell ourselves and how we let those hold us back. I now always say to myself that if I consider doing something but feel scared to do it, I have to do it. (Providing it’s safe and legal of course!) And sometimes, these things don’t always end in the way you might want them too. But those experiences teach you what you need to learn, improve, step up in or just persevere at.

There are many ways I want my life to change in 2016. I want to find more time to do the things I love to do and try out even more things, I want to spend a few months in the US and I 100% want to create time to pursue my passion of music and creative writing. I want to focus much more on my health to ensure I have the energy to do all of these things.

Of course, life hasn’t been all hunky comfort zone pushing dory in 2015 but I won’t dwell on those moments because I still feel that they provide experiences to learn from. Life is never ever going to be perfect and 2015 fully deserved to end on a high!

Work

I honestly don’t see what I do as ‘work’ because it gives me so much joy to help people in the way that I do. Aside from that, I have made the most amazing and inspiring friends in the wonderful and often weird world of dating and am lucky to collaborate with many of those too. Each and every client I have worked with I feel so much appreciation for and have LOVED coaching them. To have been on podcasts like Entrepreneur on Fire, Elite Man Magazine, OMFG! and shows like Hoxton Radio have been such a highlight. Oh! And I was a finalist for Dating Expert of the Year at the UK Dating Awards. I never thought any of those would have happened this time last year.

And what’s coming up for this year? Well, I feel it’s about time I er...get with the times and get my mug on YouTube so expect some videos (and please try and be kind if you do watch them!) and I’m launching a podcast called Let’s Talk Heartbreak where I talk about the empowering, inspiring, funny, entertaining or thought provoking things people have done or learnt through heartbreak and break-ups. Plus some thoughts and advice from yours truly. I’m launching 3 products including an online programme guiding you through getting over a break-up and a group coaching programme. I’ll be collaborating with some superb people and companies and travelling more. You’ll be seeing a lot more of ‘me’ this year as I really want to share more of my life, personality, passions and interests in my content too. So you can definitely expect a whole lot more in 2016. I’m both nervous and excited!

What’s really made 2015 so incredible is people. Making new friends, creating stronger bonds with old friends and being blown away by the kindness of some of the people I have around me. Some of whom I haven’t even met in real life! These people have acted as mentors, motivators and friends all rolled into one and I’m eternally grateful for them.

So this year, I also want to try and give back more.

I’m excited to help even more people through their break-ups and dating lives in 2016 and hope that all the ways I’m stepping up my content will enable me to reach even more people in that way too. So keep an eye out for updates :)

And finally, thank you so so much for all of your support and encouragement in 2015 - it’s really meant a lot. And now, let’s look forward to 2016!

Lots of love,

Laura xx

How Can I get Closure?

I got asked today about how to create closure on a past relationship. We hear this phrase 'closure' a lot. And sometimes, we think that to get it, both people in the relationship need to come to some sort of mutual agreement or acknowledgement that the relationship is over and each has permission to move on. Hmm, well unfortunately and probably usually, it's not always going to be able to happen like that.

Sometimes, we do want and need answers - sometimes a situation can be that a relationship has been ended suddenly without any reasonable explanation and that the one ending it has disappeared with complete radio silence. That's harsh and of course we want answers. But we can be waiting a long time to get those or the closure that we need from the other person and at the end of the day if the relationship is over, it's over regardless of how long you're waiting for that call, text or email. The best possible thing you can do is make steps to deal with the emotional impact of the break-up and begin to move forwards little by little again. There will be healing time needed but you can't heal whilst you're in limbo waiting. This will make it worse. It's shocking how often relationships end this way actually, but honestly, the only person you'll be hurting more is yourself if you wait and don't make the small steps out of no man's land.

Regardless of how your relationship ended, I think it does help when you have some sort of ritual, occasion or symbol which signifies your ‘closure’. And this doesn't have to mean that you push everything away, forget the memories and refuse to feel anything about the relationship or person anymore, as that isn't the aim. It's more about having something that represents a new chapter.

Write a Letter to your Ex

You're not going to send this so go to town on this one - don't hold back! Write down everything you feel, spare no detail. Writing things down can sound like a bit of a slog but can have such a therapeutic and freeing effect. In the letter, find a way to explain that you're moving on - the words somehow make it more real. When you've finished, do anything you want with the letter - burn it (er..please consider safety if you do this obviously!), put it away somewhere, tear it up - whatever you want. Something that signifies that as of now, this is your new chapter.

Allow yourself to Grieve/Mourn

It sounds like a contradiction that to create closure you have to allow yourself to grieve but closure is about accepting that the relationship is over and to do this, you need to feel everything you're feeling. Not push it away or convince yourself that your ex will come back/take you back or plot ways to make that happen. Just know that you will feel bad but that you will get over it. It's like a physical injury - there's no shortcut to it healing. You have to rest and do what you can to make it better. If you don’t, it doesn’t heal or gets worse. It's the same with emotional pain and the 'do what you can to make it better' is all the things I talk about in relation to moving forwards positively. It's about doing the 'feeling' and then the 'doing'.

Get Rid of any 'Stuff' that Reminds you of the Relationship

Don't have things hanging around that make you think of your ex. Actually, it's a really good idea to have a de-clutter of your whole living environment and give that a bit of a spruce up too. Your surroundings need to also reflect you moving forwards. This doesn't mean you have to up sticks and move but just add something fresh to your environment so things feel a bit different and new.

Get Away

If you can, break up your routine and go somewhere. Having something that separates the old part of your life with the new can really help and to come back recharged and refreshed will get you in the right mindset.

Give your Confidence a Boost

Write down a list of your strengths, talents and assets. (And now isn't the time to be modest!) Really look at those and work out ways that you can start to do things that bring them out even more.

Assess the Bigger Picture

What in your life needs work? Social life, your health (this is always a good one to start with anyway as it's usually the first thing we let slide when we go through traumatic experiences), money, your job, your friendships? This new chapter signifies learning and growth and the more you can make headway on something in your life that you know could do with a bit of tlc, the more you'll be focused on something new, positive and that's going to help you thrive. Start work on this now to begin the momentum.

I think that though we don’t always admit it, we actually use getting closure from an ex as an excuse to not let go. We've all been there. We want the 'why' but often, it won't make any difference anyway. You'll either get the why you don't want or a why that leads to thousands of other questions that then need more closure. It's just an exhausting cycle that keeps you buried in the rubble of the relationship.

So, if you feel you really need closure, know that you have the power to get this yourself. You just have to commit to doing it.