I’ve been asked a few times to write a post on this topic. How to cope with being cheated on.
I will share a quote from an email I received that very accurately represents how it feels when in this situation:
“You end up feeling stupid and naive and wondering over and over how and why you didn't see it coming....even though you couldn't have (seen it coming I mean) and it could have happened to anyone. Despite that, you still feel stupid for having been taking advantage of. That pretty much sums up how I feel about being cheated on.”
Being cheated on, lied to or betrayal in any form, is so hard to move on from because it means we question everything about ourselves and our own judgement.
After all, we allowed ourselves to trust, maybe even allowed ourselves to feel good. To feel happy. We went all in with this person and the cheating or dishonesty is only evidence to show that we can never let our guard down again. We can never allow ourselves to feel happy again. We can never trust again.
That’s a scary potential fate to face. It’s probably the hardest part about getting over being cheated on.
First of all, it’s important to know that cheating or any kind of abuse of trust in a relationship can happen to anyone. We can get blindsided. There are times when we just don’t see it coming.
People who feel the need to cheat often have pre-existing issues that cause them to do this. There can be so many reasons - the need for validation, a lack of emotional maturity, commitment issues - the list goes on. Cheating is often rooted in deep insecurity.
I’m not making excuses for it, and it sounds somewhat stoic but taking a more stoic approach can really help in this kind of situation. It’s almost like we have to take the emotion out of it - even for just a few moments and see the true picture for what it is.
Those issues have absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with the other person. It’s merely just an indication of their capacity to function in a healthy relationship. It doesn’t make you less worthy, less attractive, less intelligent, less deserving or less valuable as a person. It also doesn’t make you a victim.
It isn’t your fault that this happened. Let go of that idea.
However, how you choose to see it now and where you go from here is 100% your responsibility.
I’m a huge believe in the idea of ‘like attracts like’. In short, you get what you put out there. If someone cheated on you, that’s the level they’re playing at and what they deserve in return at this moment.
If you went all in and were able to hold the space for a healthy, loving, respectful relationship with that person, you’re just on a different level. I don’t mean that to sound like you’re a ‘better’ person as that’s not what it’s about; we all have our own pathways to become the best person we can. And it’s mostly ongoing. Your ex (or whoever this person was) just wasn’t on that same frequency as you.
You deserve for your attention and your energy to be matched. Only when you do the re-wiring to believe that and embody it in your thoughts and actions though, will that be reflected back to you.
(It doesn’t mean that you have to go and find a new relationship now if you don’t feel ready to. Getting over being cheated on takes healing and time. That’s more than ok and to be honoured. But don’t spend any more time dwelling on judging yourself and investing emotions into thinking about the other person and why they did what they did.)
Again, I know that sounds so simple but don’t you think that when you frame it that way and see it for what it is, it instantly elevates you from feeling like a victim to someone who holds way more power than they thought?
To keep reminding yourself of that perspective is a practice you have to keep repeating consistently if you’re struggling to get over being cheated on. It’s like you have to rewire your brain and your thoughts until it seeps into your belief system.
Oftentimes (and when I speak to clients this is usually the case), there’s a part of them that knew something was up. There was that little, very subtle niggle that was overlooked. Excuses were made and things were let slide.
This betrayal is therefore a blessing (I know, I know – I used to roll my eyes too when I heard that but hear me on this!) because although you’re suffering the hurt and emotional aftermath, it can teach you that your gut instinct knows what’s up! Sometimes we have to face these lessons that force us to trust in our inner knowing a hell of a lot more.
Again, knowing this puts us in a place of power and it can hopefully teach us to act on those instincts next time a similar situation might arise. In love, life and relationships.
The worst thing we can do is become bitter after betrayal. To become closed, cold, wary and cut off. If you’re feeling hurt in this moment and really don’t know what to do, show that same love, kindness and compassion that you invested into this past relationship into someone or something else. A friend, family member, loved one or just someone in need. Maybe a cause that means something to you. When you feel that sense of deep, sincere gratitude from someone else or something else, it instantly reminds you to stay on the path of who you are. It reminds you that it’s ok to feel happiness and that you don’t have to question yourself.
You’re not broken - far from it my friend :)
I hope you found value in this post and would love to hear your thoughts in the comments!
I also just wanted to add, as you can probably tell from my posts, I’m a big fan of the power of neural rewiring techniques, practices and exercises to help heal from heartbreak and move through blocks. To cut through those negative thought loops that can keep us hung up on an ex and unable to move on.
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