There's no denying it, breakups are crap. We all have to go through them. Maybe even a few! They can leave us feeling a mixed bag of emotions - vulnerable, sad, relieved, lost, numb - the list goes on! Making the decision to end my relationship is something that I have gone through very recently. I really want to use this blog as a way to share these raw personal experiences. Writing is such a good way to get your feelings out of your head (anyone I work with will know I bang on about this all the time!) and I hope it can maybe help someone who is going through a similar situation.
So, the context of the relationship was this – almost 3 years together with my main issue with him being a lack of compromise, respect and understanding. I wholeheartedly believe that we all have things to improve on and often these can be highlighted when a relationship breaks down. The relationship was very up and down and throughout the downs I played my role in trying as best I could to take care of my side of stuff but unfortunately this was never really reciprocated. And so the past 18 months was a cycle of the same issues coming up - consequently making me feel bad, questioning my own judgement on what was acceptable and generally, not feeling like an equal. Not very empowering!
I won't go into the 'he said she said' details but due to his job it was a long distance relationship with the majority of the time apart and I was left feeling alone, disrespected, unheard and without a clear idea of where it was all going.
Through the work I was doing with clients and learning to listen - to really listen to my intuition, everything was telling me that the relationship had to stop. The same voice was telling me the same thing a year ago but at that point I was caught up with fear-based responses like -:
- what harm would one more chance do? This could be it; he could be ‘the one’. In fact, I was convinced he was the one, which made this even more difficult
- what will happen if I end up on my own (ridiculous as at age 30 I know, but the fear voice was still there)
- is it really worth all the upheaval?
We get so comfortable with settling in uncomfortable situations that the thought of stepping out of that - alone and into the unknown, can be more scary than staying uncomfortable.
But is it? Not really, no.
What I've learnt from this is that you can't change people. You can only be responsible for yourself. I got to the point where I become so expectant of his ways that by the time it was glaringly-bright-light obvious that I had to put a stop to it, I was actually completely detached. I instinctively knew my self-worth was down to me. Not him. There was a lovely moment in a coaching session I had the other week where my client was overcome with gratitude for her partner who is obviously a wonderful guy and the two of them just work together - not against. I was the coach yet I wanted that! She had it nailed and I am so happy for her because I completely understand the importance of support in a relationship. That was a defining moment in knowing I had to take action on making a change. Which is interesting because in that way, she unawareingly coached me I suppose!
I'm so pleased my intuition stepped up and raised her voice on this one - the whole process of ending it was a bit like letting her take over and do the right thing. Another thing I used to do was create chaos around the situation to avoid actually dealing with it. So complaining to my friends, arguing with him, getting worked up, trying to seek answers from his friends and family. Yet all of that changed nothing. Everyone else ended up frustrated, I felt guilty because here I was again in the same situation after creating all that drama and the whole thing became a circus! When I let my intuition take over, there was no drama. She made the choice, wanted to do the right thing, sent the email (that sounds like a crap way of doing so but the nature of his work means that communication can only be carried out via email) and that was that.
And how do I feel?
I'm not going to lie, empty and of course, sad. But I dealt with the raw emotion months ago. And the time before that. And that. You get the drift! This emptiness means cleared space for new opportunities and people. I feel empowered to have stepped away from someone who I loved with all my heart but that right now, I could see was not good for me - and I don't even think that was intentional on his part as I'm sure in his own way, he wanted it to work too.
Being really uncomfortable but in a place where you feel safe on your own is so calming and reassuring. Overall, I feel positive and excited.
So if you are in a relationship that isn't serving you, I'm not going to go all girl power on you and tell you to end it just like that because I think that's unrealistic when you love someone. If you want to of course, then definitely do it! But I also think that journey of self discovery where you reach the point of choosing to really listen to your intuitive voice and then act on it is so enlightening and changes EVERYTHING. Even outside of that specific relationship because it's a tool that you have developed and can use for other things too. It's that little nugget of gold that guides you to the right people, situations and choices.
So yes, breakups are crap. But you know what, they can also be quite amazing.