Hi everyone! After getting back from LA I’ve been taking some time out to get readjusted back into UK life, to work on my new coaching programmes, website and think about where I want to take the Let’s Talk Heartbreak podcast. Lots of newness! I’ll share more later in this post on that.
I’m a big believer in being raw and open on here, and something that has come up personally for me, and definitely over the past year, is getting to a point of not knowing what to do and figuring out how to navigate yourself through that. I’m sure many of you have felt this way too - whether it’s as a result of going through a breakup, heartbreak, health, work, how you feel about yourself or an accumulation of all of those things.
So today I want to share a few ways to cope in those moments.
Firstly, when we go through life, it’s easy to take on the belief that unless things are flowing, going well and that we’re generally feeling happy and upbeat that when the harder stuff hits us, that is when things get ‘bad’.
Something that really helps me is to not attach any weight to whether I feel ‘happy’ or ‘sad’. Obviously the aim is to feel good and happy the majority of the time but the shitty-feeling emotions and feelings that we experience are actually, just as valid. They're just as important, if not even more so at times.
Something that really hit home with me was this quote -:
‘You are not your feelings’
It might initially sound a bit hippie/hocus pocus but I really believe it carries so much meaning. They say that what you need to know or hear, the universe (or whatever you want to call the greater power that’s out there if you believe in that, like I do), will hammer it home to you in the most weirdest and wonderful of ways. For me, this quote has come up so many times over the past couple of months. And it’s so true. Just because we feel sad, upset, in despair or down, that doesn’t mean that everything is ‘bad’ or that it’s a reflection of us as a person. It’s just a feeling.
What is does tell though, us is that the feeling is a signpost. It’s an alert to show us that something is off, isn’t in alignment and a calling I suppose, to get introspective and explore that side of things more.
I’ve already shared that I’ve broadened my coaching to beyond breakups and heartbreak now but it has taken me a long time to give myself permission to do that and actually embody it. I’ve struggled to write posts on here and on my social media because part of me has felt that anyone reading my blog (and I’m so thankful for every one of you that does!) only wants the breakup advice content. The thing about breakups though, is that they’re usually a signpost. Of course, breakups are bloody awful but when I work with people, the crux of the struggle when they really can’t get over an ex goes way beyond the ex. Usually, it has nothing to do with the ex at all when we cut back those layers.
Even though I’ve known this and had a calling to talk about so much more - and even things that are way off relationship territory - including more lightweight fun stuff like health, style, entrepreneurship and motivation/mindset, I’ve felt so stuck because I thought this is what people didn’t want to hear. But actually, on closer inspection, that bad feeling of stagnancy revealed to me that I was totally out of alignment.
That feeling consumed me for a while and to be honest, very recently too. But as I’ve learnt to lean in more to that discomfort instead of trying to find ways to ‘cure’ it, it told me exactly what I needed to do to get myself out of that. As I’m learning to stop ‘doing’ and start ‘being’, I’m getting answers. Start creating content that’s more about what I want to create and feel called to create because that is what will resonate most with the people who need to hear it. And it will mean my work, coaching and what I put out there is 100 times more authentic, fun for me to create and of value to others. I will still talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships of course and will still be coaching people through it if they need that aspect of it, but it won't be my sole focus because I have a lot more to give.
So I want you to think about what this feeling of not knowing what to do is telling you? What’s the deeper message?
Some ways I suggest you do that is firstly, to get serious about your health. Let me tell you that you can’t pull yourself out of anything emotionally if your health is suffering in some way. It’s times like this, you have to pull out your internal big guns and take responsibility for the foundations - which your health essentially is. Feeling stagnant and dis-attached is often a reflection of what’s going on physically. So find ways to move every day that feel fun to you and not like a chore, eat well, sleep well and explore ways to shift your internal energy. Notice what feels good in your body and what causes you to crash when it comes to food and drink. Find ways to relax.
I’m serious, prioritise this.
I know this health one is something that everyone and his father says - it isn’t revolutionary in the slightest. But I promise that when you put attention on bringing your physical body and emotions into balance, things become clearer, you get the answers you need and life seems brighter.
The next thing is to talk to someone about how you’re feeling. I had a conversation with my mentor the other day who is such a blessing to me, and it shifted so much in me that was feeling overwhelmed and stuck. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a coach, but someone who you trust, who will be compassionate and who will hear where you’re coming from without judgement. We can easily tend to bottle things up so much, build them up and go crazy trying to find solutions that often end up in knee jerk, short-term solutions that don’t work. But an outside perspective can offer that sigh of relief to know that we’re supported and that everything is going to be ok.
And let me tell you, whatever you’re going through, it is going to be ok :)
Journaling is also another one that I understand is harped on about so much but for me, many of my clients and evidently, millions of people out there in the world who have their shit figured out, it works. Instead of playing Chinese Whispers in your head, let it all out on paper. When I’m off my journaling game I feel more anxious, stressed out, frustrated and can’t find solutions as fluidly or easily. At least give it a go for a consistent amount of time because like most things that create the best reward, you have to do it every day.
The next tip is knowing everything that you've been through in your life so far, what would you tell your 5-year younger self to do if they were feeling this exact way now? After all that you've learnt, what would you say to him/her? Are there patterns or habits that are being repeated that need to be put to bed once and for all? Be really honest. You'll be surprised at how much wisdom you have that you weren't even aware of. I bet you'll have more answers than what you thought.
Finally I want to say again that feeling the way you do right now is ok. When we go through these times of not knowing what to do, it often means we’re on the edge of some kind of change. Transformation. It doesn’t have to be radical. Maybe it is. And that’s exciting! Try and refrain from thinking a quick fix or magic wand solution will patch up what you’re feeling. I promise if you take this time to be your own emotional investigator, how you will come out the other side of this will be so much more fulfilling, rewarding and beautiful.
Lots of love,
PS My shiny new website, blog (with alllll the things!) and coaching packages are all in the mix so I’ll let you all know when those are out as soon as they’re released! I’m still available for coaching of course so please drop me an email on firstname.lastname@example.org if you want to find out how to work with me one on one 💖