How Can I get Closure?

I got asked today about how to create closure on a past relationship. We hear this phrase 'closure' a lot. And sometimes, we think that to get it, both people in the relationship need to come to some sort of mutual agreement or acknowledgement that the relationship is over and each has permission to move on. Hmm, well unfortunately and probably usually, it's not always going to be able to happen like that.

Sometimes, we do want and need answers - sometimes a situation can be that a relationship has been ended suddenly without any reasonable explanation and that the one ending it has disappeared with complete radio silence. That's harsh and of course we want answers. But we can be waiting a long time to get those or the closure that we need from the other person and at the end of the day if the relationship is over, it's over regardless of how long you're waiting for that call, text or email. The best possible thing you can do is make steps to deal with the emotional impact of the break-up and begin to move forwards little by little again. There will be healing time needed but you can't heal whilst you're in limbo waiting. This will make it worse. It's shocking how often relationships end this way actually, but honestly, the only person you'll be hurting more is yourself if you wait and don't make the small steps out of no man's land.

Regardless of how your relationship ended, I think it does help when you have some sort of ritual, occasion or symbol which signifies your ‘closure’. And this doesn't have to mean that you push everything away, forget the memories and refuse to feel anything about the relationship or person anymore, as that isn't the aim. It's more about having something that represents a new chapter.

Write a Letter to your Ex

You're not going to send this so go to town on this one - don't hold back! Write down everything you feel, spare no detail. Writing things down can sound like a bit of a slog but can have such a therapeutic and freeing effect. In the letter, find a way to explain that you're moving on - the words somehow make it more real. When you've finished, do anything you want with the letter - burn it (er..please consider safety if you do this obviously!), put it away somewhere, tear it up - whatever you want. Something that signifies that as of now, this is your new chapter.

Allow yourself to Grieve/Mourn

It sounds like a contradiction that to create closure you have to allow yourself to grieve but closure is about accepting that the relationship is over and to do this, you need to feel everything you're feeling. Not push it away or convince yourself that your ex will come back/take you back or plot ways to make that happen. Just know that you will feel bad but that you will get over it. It's like a physical injury - there's no shortcut to it healing. You have to rest and do what you can to make it better. If you don’t, it doesn’t heal or gets worse. It's the same with emotional pain and the 'do what you can to make it better' is all the things I talk about in relation to moving forwards positively. It's about doing the 'feeling' and then the 'doing'.

Get Rid of any 'Stuff' that Reminds you of the Relationship

Don't have things hanging around that make you think of your ex. Actually, it's a really good idea to have a de-clutter of your whole living environment and give that a bit of a spruce up too. Your surroundings need to also reflect you moving forwards. This doesn't mean you have to up sticks and move but just add something fresh to your environment so things feel a bit different and new.

Get Away

If you can, break up your routine and go somewhere. Having something that separates the old part of your life with the new can really help and to come back recharged and refreshed will get you in the right mindset.

Give your Confidence a Boost

Write down a list of your strengths, talents and assets. (And now isn't the time to be modest!) Really look at those and work out ways that you can start to do things that bring them out even more.

Assess the Bigger Picture

What in your life needs work? Social life, your health (this is always a good one to start with anyway as it's usually the first thing we let slide when we go through traumatic experiences), money, your job, your friendships? This new chapter signifies learning and growth and the more you can make headway on something in your life that you know could do with a bit of tlc, the more you'll be focused on something new, positive and that's going to help you thrive. Start work on this now to begin the momentum.

I think that though we don’t always admit it, we actually use getting closure from an ex as an excuse to not let go. We've all been there. We want the 'why' but often, it won't make any difference anyway. You'll either get the why you don't want or a why that leads to thousands of other questions that then need more closure. It's just an exhausting cycle that keeps you buried in the rubble of the relationship.

So, if you feel you really need closure, know that you have the power to get this yourself. You just have to commit to doing it.

How to Deal with Feelings of Rejection

One of the hardest (and most long-lasting) challenges to deal with after a break-up is undoubtedly the feeling of rejection. Maybe you were cheated on, maybe you were broken up with out of the blue, maybe they said they didn't love you anymore. Well it's obvious isn't it? You weren't good enough.

Well no, this is quite wrong. The thing is, we get so used to perceiving things not working out in the way we hoped as 'being rejected' that it becomes instilled in us. We didn't get the job because we weren't as clever as the successful candidate, we weren't let into the popular crowd at school because we weren't pretty enough…..The thing to understand is that it isn't a direct response to us being good or not good enough. It's more about where the other person is at, what they need/are looking for at the time or it can just be the situation. Not a direct attack on us and our worth.

Whatever though, we still feel it. I know in a relationship that I was in I was consumed by the idea that I wasn't good enough. This was never really the case at all - it was just a story I was telling myself. I was just reacting to the way the other person was behaving and convinced myself that he was acting that way because I wasn't good enough. The truth is, that's just the way he was in a relationship. It wasn't always fair on me or right but it wasn't because he didn't think I was good enough for him. And if you are feeling like this in a relationship it's really important to get a grasp on why that is. Are you feeling unnecessarily insecure or paranoid about the other person? In which case you'll be giving off that vibe which will put pressure on the relationship and might actually end in your partner wanting to finish it. So maybe you just need to relax into it more and focus on the things in your life that make you feel great outside of the relationship so you're not obsessing purely on that. Think about whether the feeling of rejection is actually coming from something in you rather than as a result of what the other person is doing/not doing. Or are you being made to feel rejected because you're being treated badly? In which case, take control. It's not because you're not good enough, it's because your boyfriend/girlfriend is probably just a (insert your choice of word here ;) )

If after a break-up you're still consumed by these feelings of rejection, it can be useful to sit down and really think about it logically and realistically. Write down exactly why you are feeling rejected and what actual evidence there is to support that. Here are some thoughts that might then change your mindset a little when doing this. Even if you were broken up with, that doesn't mean you weren't 'good enough'. It means that the relationship wasn't right in whatever way that is for the other person. Relationships are dynamic and life has so many twists and turns and we often don't communicate enough. We're not always on the same bus as our partner. Sometimes a relationship for one person has just run its course or they feel they can't offer you what you need. That's not because of you being less than them though. They're just in a different place to where you are and they want or need something else. And although it's really painful now, them ending it is much better than continuing because they don't want to hurt you or would prefer to stay in a relationship that they're not happy with just because that’s easier than the alternative.

If you were cheated on or betrayed in some way, this is awful to deal with. But it says far more about them than you. You probably desperately love them still and are torturing yourself about whether it was because you weren't attractive enough or not to their standards or whatever you think the reason behind it was. The harsh truth is if someone can betray you in that way, they're not a good fit for you. Don't obsess about why they ran off with the other person. It's hard to do but a completely negative use of emotional time. What you need to do is amp up how you feel about yourself and take a step outside of those negative obsessive thoughts. It's unrealistic to just say 'forget about it and move on' though so try committing for 1 week. Try putting these thoughts aside as much as you can. Place putting yourself first and doing things to make yourself feel good as a priority for 7 little days - do something every day no matter how small it is and then see if that feeling of rejection has lifted, even a little by the end of the week. See if your view on it has changed.

The more we obsess over thoughts of rejection the more we immerse ourselves in them, build them up and the more real they seem. We then accept them as so and don't do any of the work to change how we feel which then ends up in feelings of rejection lasting for months or even years. What we often fail to see if that it's actually more about the other person or the circumstances and far less about us. Think to a time when you ended a relationship or decided against dating someone. I bet it was because they or the relationship didn't match what you wanted at that time rather than because they weren't good enough or that you saw them as less than you. The thought of them wallowing in rejection because of that would probably seem nuts to you?! It's also handy to remember that sometimes we don't know how to express our own wants and needs to someone else in this type of situation. It's always awkward knowing the best way to tell someone which can often result in us unintentionally doing it the wrong way (brushing them off or ignoring them for example which of course, doesn't make the other person feel great!) instead of just being honest and possibly avoiding the other person taking it so personally and feeling like we've rejected them.

Also, if you were broken up with because of a specific behaviour you displayed or a build up of behaviours that were addressed but didn't change and led to your ex ending the relationship, don't take this as rejection either. It's just a wake up call that you probably need to work on what this issue is to prevent it happening again. Don't stew in rejection if it's something you can be proactive about changing.

Feelings of rejection can be incredibly tough to deal with and is such a complex topic that I'd love to expand more on. But I hope this might help anyone who is struggling as a starting point.

How to Get Over your Ex Moving On

The end of relationships are tough to deal with. First, you have to deal with the initial heartbreak or getting over him/her and then the real stinger can come when you learn that they're seeing someone else.

That sinking feeling...awful isn't it! I was actually inspired to write this post as a few days ago I received this message from a friend on Facebook. She says "Just seen my ex has got engaged! FFS! I don't want him but I don't see why he should have what I want either!"

Urgh. Jealousy associated with an ex partner moving on can be a killer! It can totally consume us, even if we were the one to end the relationship. We automatically start thinking about all the good times and begin to wonder what the new partner has that we didn't to make our ex so happy. In a way, we can sometimes subconsciously revel in the fact that they might be suffering without us. So when we know they've moved on, it can hit hard and reignite all of those raw emotions that we worked so hard to move on from.

So what are my learnings on this? Well in its simplest form, the fact that the pair of you are no longer together in itself confirms that your ex isn't 'the one'. I actually don't believe we have only 'one' person out there, but in this situation, they are certainly not one of the potential 'ones' :)

It's as simple as this: if you were meant to be together, you would be. If you are meant to figure out a way to make things work, you do. The relationship ultimately ended for one or a number of reasons and whilst it can be so easy to remember the highlights during tough moments, it really does help to readdress all of those reasons why it didn't work. Even write them down if you have to. Not with the intention of conjuring up any upset or anger, but just to reaffirm to yourself why it wasn't right.

The good thing about exes moving on is it gives you a clear path to move on yourself. The line has been drawn and the only way forwards for you now is away from that person and into a new amazing chapter of your own life. If you have cherished memories with your ex, that's great. But don't dwell on them; use this as an opportunity to create new memories!

So how about this - do one thing this week to start something completely new and begin making these new memories. What can you do for yourself that will make you feel really good? What can you do that's different that will make your day brilliant, or enhance your wellbeing or confidence?

Seriously, don't bother with jealousy, anger or bitterness. Know when you're feeling it and make a conscious decision to channel that energy into doing something for YOU that makes you feel good.

And even if you aren't in the situation of struggling to deal with a relationship breakup or your ex moving on, do one thing this week for you anyway. Maybe you want to feel more confident in something? If so, what can you do to get a tiny bit better at it? Small actions like this, where we put ourselves first, create huge changes in all areas of our lives.

There are many ways I can help you through this if you're struggling.  Email me on laurayatescoaching@gmail.com and I'll tell you all the ways we can work together. (Please be aware that I can't offer advice for free) ❤️

I also have my audio product on this topic, which you can find here https://gumroad.com/l/CrdFs

Laura x

What I've Learned about Confidence

I've tried many things over the years to become more confident. Someone recently said to me that I have the 'bullshit factor'. This took me aback a little for obvious reasons! Then she went on to say that I come across as very confident but underneath, there's a layer of vulnerability. I think that's true and I think, very natural given that I'm also a shy and sensitive person.

I spent many years pondering how I could be more confident. Confidence covers so many areas - we can be professionally confident but a complete mess when it comes to social confidence for example. For me, overall confidence has been more about finding self-acceptance. When you have that, even if you aren't even 50% confident in something else, it makes dealing with it a whole lot easier.

Right now at nearly 32, I'm probably feeling at my most confident - or self-assured, which is possibly due to age and I also think due to many things I've learned about confidence. There's no cheat sheet or life hack to becoming more confident though. I don't want to say it takes 'work', it's actually more about learning, growing and observing. I can go from one end of the confidence scale to the other in a heartbeat depending on many factors. You have to notice what you do in one situation compared to another. And of course, there are things you can do to build your confidence too.

Here are 3 things I've learned -:

- Some people I can meet instantly and feel like I can just be myself around them. I feel confident. Others I go to pieces, I become socially awkward, can't make eye contact, can't even speak properly sometimes! Why does this happen? Well usually it's because as people, we feel most comfortable around people who are like us. The people who we feel at ease with are probably the people we should be spending the most time around. Obviously you can't choose who you interact with on a day-to-day basis and there are many people who I also feel intimidated around. Even people I know quite well sometimes! So I think about why I feel that way. Is it because I admire them? If so, that's a positive thing and it's therefore easier to think of ways to be more confident around them, which is mostly about being mentally prepared and being very aware of things such as maintaining eye contact and keeping open body language. And also, letting go a little around them. Some people just have big personalities and as someone who is naturally shy, that can be overwhelming. Once you acknowledge that you lack confidence around specific people, or types of people, instead of it just happening, falling to pieces and then forgetting about it until the next time, if you observe why all these things happened, you'll probably realise that there are different ways you can choose to behave around them and different conversations you can make with them. Be prepared. And also, acknowledge that it's mostly your own mind chatter that's making you feel that way! It's likely that you're falling into the comparison trap, which can be so easy and a serious confidence killer – especially when we’re around people we look up to. Again, it’s about noticing how you feel, relaxing and thinking of better ways you can interact with them. It's also important to remember that feeling more comfortable and therefore confident around some people and not others is very natural!

- Constantly push yourself. There's that saying that you should do something every day that scares you and I think it's a good one to live by. If there's something that you're not confident with, challenge yourself little by little to do more of it. Or just do something that scares you a tiny bit, even if it isn't directly related to what you want be more confident in. The act of pushing small boundaries will make you see that you can get yourself out of your comfort zone, which will equal greater confidence in yourself all round!

- Get good at what you want to be confident in. For me a big one is public speaking. I think this is one that many people lack confidence in. I've actually never done a public speaking gig and it's something I passionately want to do - but the thought terrifies me! Although I know I have something valuable and meaningful to say, the idea of just getting up there and doing it, I instinctively know will not be the way for me to tackle it. I'll probably need to get lessons, practice to friends, practice 1000s of times over and be very prepared! At least until I get into my groove with it! But even though I know I'll still lack confidence when I get up in front of people, if I'm prepared, that will be half the battle. People who give amazing talks and who seem naturally confident in their ability to do so probably put a look of work into honing that craft! So when it comes to confidence in a skill, that type of confidence can definitely be learned.

- Go easy on yourself. This is the most important lesson I've learned. Going back to the self-acceptance side of confidence now, I spent most of my twenties really not liking myself much at all and so my confidence was rock bottom. I really had to spend a lot of time rebuilding the essence of who I was. I wasn’t confident because I didn’t know who I was. The confidence I have now really comes from taking care of myself, doing the things I love to do, making the leap to do what I love when it comes to my career, spending time with people who have my best interests at heart, not worrying so much about what other people think, challenging myself in the most positive ways possible and taking responsibility for myself. Oh yeah, and having fun! Being silly! All of these self-nurturing habits make me feel good and when I feel good I feel like 'me' and when I can be me, I feel at my most confident. Even if I'm not the loudest person in the room that doesn't matter because confidence is really, an inner self-acceptance. And even that layer of vulnerability isn't a bad thing because it just makes me - me.  I’m sensitive and also, vulnerability makes us human and helps us grow. I think we all have to wear many hats and with that comes having to 'put on' confidence in some situations. And that's fine, it's normal. But ultimately, I think that having that real authentic inner confidence is the foundation of what we need to be able to build all the other parts of confidence that can be applied to other situations.

Confidence is an ongoing process. The more we learn about ourselves, the more experiences we have, the more we interact with different types of people…the more you can throw yourself into these situations and scenarios the more you'll learn about where and when you feel most confident. But it all starts with taking care of you. Nurture yourself, take time to acknowledge all the amazing qualities and strengths about you and what you have to offer. Be good to yourself, sleep well, eat well and have fun. Know who you are, what you want and surround yourself with people who make you feel incredible.

So they are just a few of my thoughts I have on the topic of confidence. There are plenty more, which I'll delve into more in future posts! I'd love to hear what you feel about confidence and any tips that you have?

xx

The Light in a Breakup

There's no denying it, breakups are crap. We all have to go through them. Maybe even a few! They can leave us feeling a mixed bag of emotions - vulnerable, sad, relieved, lost, numb - the list goes on! Making the decision to end my relationship is something that I have gone through very recently. I really want to use this blog as a way to share these raw personal experiences. Writing is such a good way to get your feelings out of your head (anyone I work with will know I bang on about this all the time!) and I hope it can maybe help someone who is going through a similar situation.

So, the context of the relationship was this – almost 3 years together with my main issue with him being a lack of compromise, respect and understanding. I wholeheartedly believe that we all have things to improve on and often these can be highlighted when a relationship breaks down. The relationship was very up and down and throughout the downs I played my role in trying as best I could to take care of my side of stuff but unfortunately this was never really reciprocated. And so the past 18 months was a cycle of the same issues coming up - consequently making me feel bad, questioning my own judgement on what was acceptable and generally, not feeling like an equal. Not very empowering!

I won't go into the 'he said she said' details but due to his job it was a long distance relationship with the majority of the time apart and I was left feeling alone, disrespected, unheard and without a clear idea of where it was all going.

Through the work I was doing with clients and learning to listen - to really listen to my intuition, everything was telling me that the relationship had to stop. The same voice was telling me the same thing a year ago but at that point I was caught up with fear-based responses like -:

- what harm would one more chance do? This could be it; he could be ‘the one’. In fact, I was convinced he was the one, which made this even more difficult

- what will happen if I end up on my own (ridiculous as at age 30 I know, but the fear voice was still there)

- is it really worth all the upheaval?

We get so comfortable with settling in uncomfortable situations that the thought of stepping out of that - alone and into the unknown, can be more scary than staying uncomfortable.

But is it? Not really, no.

What I've learnt from this is that you can't change people. You can only be responsible for yourself. I got to the point where I become so expectant of his ways that by the time it was glaringly-bright-light obvious that I had to put a stop to it, I was actually completely detached. I instinctively knew my self-worth was down to me. Not him. There was a lovely moment in a coaching session I had the other week where my client was overcome with gratitude for her partner who is obviously a wonderful guy and the two of them just work together - not against. I was the coach yet I wanted that! She had it nailed and I am so happy for her because I completely understand the importance of support in a relationship. That was a defining moment in knowing I had to take action on making a change. Which is interesting because in that way, she unawareingly coached me I suppose!

I'm so pleased my intuition stepped up and raised her voice on this one - the whole process of ending it was a bit like letting her take over and do the right thing. Another thing I used to do was create chaos around the situation to avoid actually dealing with it. So complaining to my friends, arguing with him, getting worked up, trying to seek answers from his friends and family. Yet all of that changed nothing. Everyone else ended up frustrated, I felt guilty because here I was again in the same situation after creating all that drama and the whole thing became a circus! When I let my intuition take over, there was no drama. She made the choice, wanted to do the right thing, sent the email (that sounds like a crap way of doing so but the nature of his work means that communication can only be carried out via email) and that was that.

And how do I feel?

I'm not going to lie, empty and of course, sad. But I dealt with the raw emotion months ago. And the time before that. And that. You get the drift! This emptiness means cleared space for new opportunities and people. I feel empowered to have stepped away from someone who I loved with all my heart but that right now, I could see was not good for me - and I don't even think that was intentional on his part as I'm sure in his own way, he wanted it to work too.

Being really uncomfortable but in a place where you feel safe on your own is so calming and reassuring. Overall, I feel positive and excited.

So if you are in a relationship that isn't serving you, I'm not going to go all girl power on you and tell you to end it just like that because I think that's unrealistic when you love someone. If you want to of course, then definitely do it! But I also think that journey of self discovery where you reach the point of choosing to really listen to your intuitive voice and then act on it is so enlightening and changes EVERYTHING. Even outside of that specific relationship because it's a tool that you have developed and can use for other things too. It's that little nugget of gold that guides you to the right people, situations and choices.

So yes, breakups are crap. But you know what, they can also be quite amazing.