How to Build Resilience

One day you’re going about your life, and the next, it feels as if everything is falling apart. Whether it’s a gut-wrenching heartbreak or a devastating event, you are left in the aftermath of what feels like an utter disaster. Your mind, your body, your everyday life, as a result, can seem unbearable. And for a short period of time that’s completely normal. After all, psychological pain is no less than any other form of pain. Therefore, we need to give our minds the time and space to process the hurt. But—we don’t want to stay down too long.

The truth is, we cannot control life. Sometimes, it takes a surprising turn, leaving us to deal with the fallout of it all. If we are ill-equipped, we will struggle to get back up. That may look like dwelling the incident forever, becoming consistently overwhelmed, or turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as co-dependency, alcohol, food - a number of different things. But it can be truly detrimental to one’s wellbeing; hence, the key to ensuring you’ll be able to cope with difficult circumstances is by building resilience.

Resilience is the ability to adapt to challenging situations. It allows you to harness your existing inner strength in the face of adversity and to cope with unpredictable circumstances from a position of power. Below, I have listed concrete steps you can take to build resiliency.

Foster Wellness

It’s so important to lay the foundations for a healthy lifestyle as it will help improve your mental health, physical health, spiritual health and builds resilience. The mind and body are deeply connected, and stress is just as much physical as it is emotional. Thus, balanced nutrition, proper sleep, hydration, and consistent exercise will improve your ability to adapt to stress and reduce the toll of difficult emotions.

On the note of physical health, if you’re keen to look a little more closely into what factors could be impacting how you’re feeling, I highly recommend you checkout letsgetchecked.com. I have used them many times (I don’t like to promote anything I haven’t personally used) to test things such as my hormone health and potential vitamin deficiencies and it’s always proved incredibly helpful to get that extra insight. If you’re keen to try it out, I have a 30% discount code. Just type in LAURAY30 in the discount box upon checkout.

Build your Connections

As a society, we value individuality and overcoming adversity on our own. But research shows that people with a support system manage difficult situations better than those without a support system. If you don’t currently have many connections, that’s ok. Take the time to write down your interests and join various local groups to build your personal community. Surrounding yourself with kind, empathic, supportive people will definitely foster resilience. If you’re really struggling and feeling lost, you can take a look at my one-on-one packages here.

Be Proactive

Personal growth is a challenge for all of us, and it can seem incredibly daunting if you’re just starting out. And that’s ok. Take a deep breath and write down a few realistic goals and do something daily to move towards that goal—even if it seems small.

A few extra resources I’d like to share. If you need a boost, take a look at my 6 Steps to Unshakeable Confidence & Self-Esteem Audio. This audio will encourage you to move towards self-discovery and give you the confidence you need to be proactive in your own journey. If there’s something specific you’re struggling with, consider my Personalised Rewiring Audio Recording, which will be customised to your needs. The purpose of these audio recordings is to support you on a daily basis as consistent practice is proven to build resilience.

Laura x 

How to Deal with Heartbreak (And Rewire Your Thoughts) this Christmas

The holidays are a time of year that can be particularly triggering after heartbreak. It’s why we see so many articles and posts floating around the internet with titles including ‘How to Survive Christmas After a Breakup’ or ‘How to Make the Most of Being Single at Christmas’. Don’t get me wrong, there is often good advice and wisdom shared in such articles (I probably wrote something similar years ago!), but as my work is all about reprogramming, my aim with this is to hopefully shed a different light on it. 

There is nothing about Christmas that you need to ‘survive’ 

First of all, it’s about removing words like ‘survive’ out of your vocabulary. If you’re seeing yourself at a disadvantage because you happen to be single at Christmas, you’re setting yourself up for failure from the get-go. It isn’t about refusing to acknowledge that you might be hurting or feeling lonely at times. It’s about choosing how you view where you are right now. It isn’t something to be survived because the immediate association with that is pain and struggle.

Something that you can choose instead, is to reframe it to ‘How can I thrive this Christmas?’

Given everything that you’re feeling and going through right now, what do you need to thrive? What do you need to feel good? I like to work across 4 pillars; our emotional health, spiritual health, mental health and physical health. What do you need to tend to these 4 areas? These can be things like making sure you’re spending some time with friends and family and challenging yourself to get into the spirit of the holiday. It can also be ensuring you’re taking time to be grateful for everything and everyone you have around you. It could be being mindful that you’re still moving your body, hydrating and eating well. Really, it’s about committing to yourself (not your ex – you!) and making that choice every single day - Christmas or not. 

You are not defined by your relationship

It’s also important to remember that your relationship status doesn’t define you. We’re somehow programmed to believe that if we’re not in a relationship, we don’t get to enjoy occasions like holidays as much as everyone else (thanks to all those Christmas films right?!). It’s time to dismantle that old belief and to know that you are worthy of fun, enjoyment and happiness regardless of whether you’re in a relationship or not. It’s about really tuning into your thoughts and identifying those subconscious beliefs. Be mindful of how much attention you’re paying them because what you dwell on only expands.

Set Your Boundaries

An area that has also come up with clients recently, is the pressure we can be subject to from family and friends. This is a good way to work your boundary muscle and to know that the only expectations that really matter are your own - and ones that feel truly aligned and not from a place of ‘should’. If you feel under pressure to talk about your relationship status or dating life, you have to power to steer that conversation in a way that is honest and brings a sense of calm.

One client of mine who has busted through so many blocks when it comes to her sense of self and relationships over the past few months, has really felt the pressure in the past and was nervous about her annual Christmas meal with friends. Typically they press her for dating ‘stories’ and information - you know how it goes! She graciously navigated this by explaining that although a relationship is something she wants in the future, right now, her main priority is her own happiness and emotional wellbeing. She explained that yes, she is dating but her relationship status isn’t the nucleus of her life – because it isn’t. There’s no drama or crazy stories and she’s finding new joy with it by just going with the flow.

She did this from a place of true honesty and it encouraged authentic conversations with her friends – who were also curious about the magnetism they’ve noticed she’s exuding lately!

The result was that she felt relaxed, at ease and enjoyed the evening so much more!

What makes you happy?

Your main focus this Christmas is finding what makes you happy. This is true whatever the time of year. If you are looking to date, get out there and date! But don’t do it from a place of fear, pressure or because your ex is. If you want a relationship in 2020, this is great! But instead of believing it’s all about the right app, events and strategies (this is really just 5% of the equation), make a new commitment to yourself first. Work on your subconscious beliefs because we can only get what we want when we truly address what’s going on beneath the surface.

When we figure out what type of shadow is impacting our sense of self, self-worth and habits in relationships and start taking different actions, that’s when everything changes. You will be amazed at the people, love and experiences that start to show up in your life. You radiate a sense of magnetism - relationship or not.

Relax as much as you can and know that Christmas really, is just a time of year. Enjoy it for what it is and believe that when you make that true commitment to yourself, there is so much ahead for you in 2020!

I for one am sending you so much love over the holidays. I also just want to thank you all as always, for your support, comments and DMs - it is appreciated so very much and I am grateful for each and every one of you. I have so much great content in the works for you ready to launch next year and am excited about what it’s going to bring!

Laura x

4 Practical Tips for Finding a New Home After A Breakup

Knowing how to navigate moving out of the home you share with your ex following a breakup can be incredibly overwhelming. Thinking logically and practically whilst also going through the myriad of emotions can really take its toll.

This guest post walks you through the steps on how to find a new home post breakup; minimising the stress that can come along with it.

After a tough breakup, one of the last things you feel ready to tackle is finding a new home.

And not just because it’s emotionally difficult to move out of a space you shared with a partner. Finding housing, deciding whether to rent or buy, furnishing your new space - it’s all logistically exhausting, not to mention expensive.

But the thing is...at some point, it’ll have to be done. And once you’re in that new space, you’ll have a clean slate on which to create new memories, new friendships, new patterns, and new relationships.

With that in mind, here are 4 practical tips for finding a new home after a breakup.

Don’t let your emotions do the driving.

When you’re hurting, it can be hard to keep your emotions from getting involved in the decision-making.

Maybe you always dreamt of having a home complete with a white picket fence, or one that was in a certain historic part of town, or had dormer windows like you remember from your childhood home.

If you can find a new home like this that’s in your price range, go for it! But that’s the key: it has to be in your price range.

It’s all too tempting, especially when we’re reeling from a major life change like a breakup, to convince ourselves that we can spend just a bit more than we know we should. While you might get some fleeting, surface-level happiness from being in your over-budget dream home for a month or two, the stress and anxiety of spending more per month than you can afford will eat away at your joy for a whole lot longer.

Mortgage and rent calculators can be a useful tool to show you how much home you can actually afford.

Be open to both renting and buying.

Just because you were planning on buying a home by the time you turned (insert your age here!), doesn’t mean that that plan still fits you.

After a breakup, it’s important to explore all your options when it comes to housing - even if that means staying with your parents or a friend for a few weeks while you figure out the next step.

In some cases and some markets, renting will make more sense for you, even if you previously owned a home.

Renting vs buying depends on a lot of factors, from how much you have saved, to whether you have the time to spend on home maintenance. You’ll need to decide what you’re comfortable with based on your unique, beautiful situation.

Consult with an expert.

There’s nothing like getting professional advice when you’re trying to make a big decision, especially if it’s one that you feel trepidation about making alone.

A great advisor or real estate agent can be a major asset, not only in helping you actually find your new home, but also in helping you narrow down suitable locations, decide whether renting or owning makes more sense and figuring out the ins and outs of getting a mortgage, home inspection, etc.

Take care of yourself.

Searching for a new place to live after you’ve been living with a partner can be heart-wrenching. It’s easy to feel as though you’re starting over from square one.

But while you are starting over, you’re definitely not at square one. You’ve taken another step in evolving into who you are meant to be. Honour those difficult feelings you’re having, while also recognising the growth that’s you’re going through by spending time doing the things that nourish your soul.

Finding a new home after a breakup is hard, but you can absolutely do it. By not letting your emotions make financial decisions, getting help when you need it, and caring for yourself throughout the process, you’ll be well on your way to creating a home that speaks to you—the amazing, beautiful person that you’re just getting to know again.

How to Move Through Heartbreak with Grace

As we all know, the process of heartbreak is messy. What I’ve learnt though, is that there are many ways where we can move through heartbreak with grace, whilst still honouring the pain, shame, the lows and the myriad of emotions that we might be feeling.

When we think of the word ‘grace’, we typically see it as something physical. What immediately springs to my mind is a ballerina or someone who just seems to move with elegance. You all know someone like that I’m sure! What I’ve come to understand though, is that grace is so much more - it isn’t something that’s just physical. It’s an essence we exude and embody on an energetic level.

What moving through heartbreak with grace isn’t, is pretending everything is ok, burying down all the hurt and sadness and painting a smile on our face that crumbles as soon as we’re alone.

What it is, is being fully aware and conscious of how we’re choosing to react or respond to a situation. It doesn’t mean that the situation isn’t any less painful, but it means that we’re taking a step back and choosing to just observe what’s going on as opposed to reacting to it.

A classic example could be seeing your ex on social media with someone else. Although this feels shitty and painful, instead of frantically texting them demanding to know how they could do this to you and seeking answers, or then retaliating by posting pictures of yourself on social media that are completely inauthentic, you decide instead, to remove yourself from the emotional drama of reactivity. You choose not to engage in their social media or remind yourself that if you do see something, it isn’t a reason to reach out. You stay in your grace.

As I said before, it doesn’t mean pretending you are fine with it - it’s going to hurt. But harnessing that sense of grace is about taking a step back and therefore taking your power back. Reacting on impulse completely depletes us of our power. This has been a really tough lesson for me to learn, which is why the word ‘grace’ is one I try to ground myself in on a daily basis.

Grace also helps us to truly understand our worth. When we choose to observe the pain we’re in - and this can be romantic, in our work, with friends or any life situation, it helps us to actually deal with that pain and go inwards to figure out what we need to grow through it. Healthy ways to deal with that pain. So instead of texting your ex, you might choose to journal it out instead or speak to someone about how you’re actually feeling. It isn’t about putting on a brave face, refusing to cry or feeling like you have to hold it together to the outside world. It’s about getting clear on your triggers and to actively decide to stop participating in any drama that fuels them.

Being graceful also means not trying to force things. No matter how much you try and get answers from your ex, you will never get the ones you want or that will help you heal when you’re coming from a place of reactivity. By stepping back and just allowing your ex to do their thing, by stopping keeping tabs on them and staying in your lane, you will learn to see that you will be ok. You will get perspective and in time, that urge won’t feel any near as potent. You will start to feel more worthy, more deserving and more indifferent to the whole situation. It creates that detachment you’ve been looking for.

Ultimately, you’re re-wiring your subconscious mind to learn a new level of strength. One that you weren’t even aware you had. This also filters in to so many areas of your life. It isn’t about sitting back and being completely passive to life and people. You can (and should!) still have boundaries, but stepping away or saying no or having confronting conversations won’t be rooted in drama or feelings of insecurity, unworthiness and angst.

Finding grace is often about slowing down. Reconnecting and moving through the emotions you’re feeling as opposed to bulldozing through them and trying to keep as ‘busy’ as possible.

This is a quick post but I know this concept of embodying grace in all areas of my life has really helped me and I hope these ideas have helped you too. I’d love to hear in the comments about what grace means to you!

Laura xx

How to Bounce Back From Being Cheated On

I’ve been asked a few times to write a post on this topic. How to cope with being cheated on.

I will share a quote from an email I received that very accurately represents how it feels when in this situation:

“You end up feeling stupid and naive and wondering over and over how and why you didn't see it coming....even though you couldn't have (seen it coming I mean) and it could have happened to anyone. Despite that, you still feel stupid for having been taking advantage of. That pretty much sums up how I feel about being cheated on.”

Being cheated on, lied to or betrayal in any form, is so hard to move on from because it means we question everything about ourselves and our own judgement.

After all, we allowed ourselves to trust, maybe even allowed ourselves to feel good. To feel happy. We went all in with this person and the cheating or dishonesty is only evidence to show that we can never let our guard down again. We can never allow ourselves to feel happy again. We can never trust again.

That’s a scary potential fate to face. It’s probably the hardest part about getting over being cheated on.

First of all, it’s important to know that cheating or any kind of abuse of trust in a relationship can happen to anyone. We can get blindsided. There are times when we just don’t see it coming.

People who feel the need to cheat often have pre-existing issues that cause them to do this. There can be so many reasons - the need for validation, a lack of emotional maturity, commitment issues - the list goes on. Cheating is often rooted in deep insecurity.

I’m not making excuses for it, and it sounds somewhat stoic but taking a more stoic approach can really help in this kind of situation. It’s almost like we have to take the emotion out of it - even for just a few moments and see the true picture for what it is.

Those issues have absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with the other person. It’s merely just an indication of their capacity to function in a healthy relationship. It doesn’t make you less worthy, less attractive, less intelligent, less deserving or less valuable as a person. It also doesn’t make you a victim.

It isn’t your fault that this happened. Let go of that idea.

However, how you choose to see it now and where you go from here is 100% your responsibility.

I’m a huge believe in the idea of ‘like attracts like’. In short, you get what you put out there. If someone cheated on you, that’s the level they’re playing at and what they deserve in return at this moment.

If you went all in and were able to hold the space for a healthy, loving, respectful relationship with that person, you’re just on a different level. I don’t mean that to sound like you’re a ‘better’ person as that’s not what it’s about; we all have our own pathways to become the best person we can. And it’s mostly ongoing. Your ex (or whoever this person was) just wasn’t on that same frequency as you.

You deserve for your attention and your energy to be matched. Only when you do the re-wiring to believe that and embody it in your thoughts and actions though, will that be reflected back to you.

(It doesn’t mean that you have to go and find a new relationship now if you don’t feel ready to. Getting over being cheated on takes healing and time. That’s more than ok and to be honoured. But don’t spend any more time dwelling on judging yourself and investing emotions into thinking about the other person and why they did what they did.)

Again, I know that sounds so simple but don’t you think that when you frame it that way and see it for what it is, it instantly elevates you from feeling like a victim to someone who holds way more power than they thought?

To keep reminding yourself of that perspective is a practice you have to keep repeating consistently if you’re struggling to get over being cheated on. It’s like you have to rewire your brain and your thoughts until it seeps into your belief system.

Oftentimes (and when I speak to clients this is usually the case), there’s a part of them that knew something was up. There was that little, very subtle niggle that was overlooked. Excuses were made and things were let slide.

This betrayal is therefore a blessing (I know, I know – I used to roll my eyes too when I heard that but hear me on this!) because although you’re suffering the hurt and emotional aftermath, it can teach you that your gut instinct knows what’s up! Sometimes we have to face these lessons that force us to trust in our inner knowing a hell of a lot more.

Again, knowing this puts us in a place of power and it can hopefully teach us to act on those instincts next time a similar situation might arise. In love, life and relationships.

The worst thing we can do is become bitter after betrayal. To become closed, cold, wary and cut off. If you’re feeling hurt in this moment and really don’t know what to do, show that same love, kindness and compassion that you invested into this past relationship into someone or something else. A friend, family member, loved one or just someone in need. Maybe a cause that means something to you. When you feel that sense of deep, sincere gratitude from someone else or something else, it instantly reminds you to stay on the path of who you are. It reminds you that it’s ok to feel happiness and that you don’t have to question yourself.

You’re not broken - far from it my friend :)

I hope you found value in this post and would love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

I also just wanted to add, as you can probably tell from my posts, I’m a big fan of the power of neural rewiring techniques, practices and exercises to help heal from heartbreak and move through blocks. To cut through those negative thought loops that can keep us hung up on an ex and unable to move on.

I’ve been cultivating my own system for years and it’s had profound affects for me and also my private 1:1 clients. I’ve just launched a new way to work with me so you can experience these incredible shifts too.

Click below to find out more!

Love,

Laura x

PS You can listen to my podcast episode about cheating here.

Why I've Scrapped the Dating Rulebook (Guest Post)

Photo by Ben Mater on Unsplash

I’m so excited to bring you this guest post - and how this came about is exactly why I love the internet!

A few months ago, I received a Facebook message from the author of this post, Jen. Jen so kindly expressed how much my work had resonated with her post-breakup and once we got chatting, it turned out she lives just up the road from me! So of course, we had to meet for coffee!

Jen has her own blog here (which you HAVE to read and bookmark!) and I absolutely loved the couple of hours that we spent together on that Sunday afternoon we met.

Jen is compassionate, fun, intelligent and on such an exciting path following her last breakup. She also radiates a beautiful healing quality. We had tons in common (there aren’t many people I can geek out about Human Design with!) and I knew I had to ask her to write a guest post.

From reading her blog and getting to know Jen, it was clear that her experience and insight will resonate with so many of you.

Jen decided to write about dating after a breakup and I love the wisdom she shares in the piece.

I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did.

Thank you so much Jen 💖

Why I've Scrapped the Dating Rulebook

Dating can disarm and debilitate even the most rational and secure of us, sometimes leaving us feeling downright insane. And when our hearts are still hurting, we can easily find ourselves overwhelmed with emotions, doubting our decisions, and questioning whether we'll ever be ready to move on.

Once I started dating after my breakup, it wasn’t long until I found myself re-enacting the same predictable patterns of behaviour that had left me heartbroken and hating myself more times than I could count. But when I really took the time to reflect on my destructive thoughts, to identify my innate habits, and to recognise my deep-rooted fears and beliefs, I realised that my lack of romantic success had had nothing to do with being unlucky in love, and everything to do with being unconscious in love.

For years, I'd been compelled by a complex cumulation of historic hardwiring and past programming that had me using my relationships as a means of righting my wrongs, fixing my unhealed wounds, and filling my empty spaces.

I'd been so caught up in seeking external validation, so consumed with trying to master the art of playing hard to get, and so intent on finding 'the one' that I'd been failing to acknowledge my own needs in the process.

With a bottomless pit of dating advice never more than a click away, it's no wonder that we often spend so much time obsessing over the 'dos and don'ts' of dating. But if we allow our love lives to be dictated by a set of predefined rules designed to get someone’s attention, to make someone like us, or to keep someone interested, we’re never going to find what we’re looking for.

Because dating isn't about playing games. It’s about being curious. Curious about getting to know ourselves and another person. Curious about finding what works for us and what doesn’t. Curious about what we want and what we don’t. And curious about how to love ourselves, how to trust ourselves, and how to be ourselves.

What about if, instead of trying to get someone else to like us, we learned how to like ourselves? What about if, instead of trying to make someone else happy, we learned how to make ourselves happy? And what about if, instead of trying to play by the rules, we stopped playing altogether?

So it's time to do things differently. It's time to scrap the rulebook that's done nothing but let us down, to drop the dating advice that's done nothing but diminish our sense of self, and rewire the thought patterns that've done nothing but damage our wellbeing.

It's time to shift our definition of success away from finding 'the one', and back to being at peace with who we are, what we are, and where we are.

Because all we really need to be successful are these three simple promises. And, unlike the conventional guidelines around dating, these promises are for our happiness, and ours only.

1.     I promise to love myself.

For me, loving myself means putting myself first. It means creating healthy boundaries and sticking to them. And, most importantly, it means staying grounded in reality when confronted with the all-too-tempting black hole of fantasy and obsession.

So if you find yourself teetering on a cliff-edge, one misstep away from plummeting into the dark and dangerous depths of infatuation, bring yourself back to the present. Take a look around at what you already have. Don’t ditch your stable ground in favour of the murky and turbulent waters of a temporary escape. Because the climb back up is long and laborious, and who knows if those things that you left behind will still be waiting for you when you eventually return?

2. I promise to trust myself.

For most of my romantic life, I ordinarily and obediently overlooked the questionable behaviour of potential partners, convinced that their dismissiveness or disrespect was a reflection of their mood, rather than their character. Time and time again, I brushed off the sour crumbs left in their wake, and swept them neatly underneath the rug, never to be seen again. Or so I thought.

But the problem with living in denial is that those easily-ignorable pink flags eventually mutate into conspicuous and unavoidable blood-red canvases. And by the time they do, it’s too late. We’re already too invested in the fantasy. Too dazzled by the shiny newness. Too blinkered by our animal attachment drives. Too hooked on the delicious poison poured in through the holes created when our walls were torn down and our hearts cracked open.

So if you find yourself engaged in a painstaking war of the head vs. the heart - don’t listen to either. Instead, tune in to your inner wisdom. Connect with that omniscient knowing that resides deep within your gut. Trust your intuition. It’s there for a reason.

3. I promise to be myself.

As long as we’re always trying to hide, change, or conceal the parts of us that we don’t like, we’re never going to find someone who loves us for us. And we are lovable, exactly the way we are. Our mess is lovable. Our flaws are lovable. Our insecurities are lovable.

We are all achingly imperfect, devastatingly complex, yet beautifully unique. We are all human. And our anxieties, aspirations and afflictions - they make us who we are.

So embrace your quirks, your fears, your wounds. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Stay true to yourself and your values. Be unapologetically, unashamedly, authentically YOU.

And if someone doesn’t like you? Then they’re not for you.

Self-Care & Creating Healthy Habits with Jaime McLaughlin. New Bounce Back Podcast Episode

I wanted to pop on the blog and let you know that I have a new Bounce Back podcast episode out with self-care strategist (and expert in all things hair and beauty!) Jaime McLaughlin.

Jaime is the founder of The Mac House and let me tell you - she's the queen of all things bounce back. She's had quite a journey going from a single mother of 2 in her early 20's who found herself in a cycle of destructive relationships, to happily married, owning a successful business as a mum of 4 kids and doing what she loves.

Jaime gives some incredible advice on how to build resilience and we also talk beauty and style on a budget, motherhood (and how to find time for yourself even as a busy mum), creating healthy habits that set you up for the day, what self-care means from both an internal and external perspective and working through relationship struggles. 

Jaime is hugely talented in all things hair, makeup and beauty so this was a fun way for me to get some tips too ;)  You can listen in here.

I hope you enjoy and I'd love to know what your key takeaway from this episode was? Let me know in the comments!

Love,
Laura xx

Resources:

• Effective Ways to Handle Stress

• Tips for Getting Through Isolation

• Viva Day Spa
  
  

Is My Ex Happy With Their New Partner?

Hello! It’s been a while since I’ve been here on the blog but I’m excited to be getting back into the swing of writing again!

I thought I would start with a topic that repeatedly arises with clients I work with and readers. One I often would ponder over myself of course too. 

The question of whether an ex is happy with their new partner.

It can feel so incredibly brutal when we find out our ex has met someone new. Especially when we feel we have invested so much time and emotion into the relationship and then they just suddenly…well….move on.

So many questions consume our thoughts - ‘Did they love us in the first place?’, ‘How can they be happy when we’re stuck in a cycle of misery?’ and the most potent of all the thoughts ‘Is this new person going to change them/get the best of them?’

This final question can feel like a living purgatory and can ignite so many emotions. Fear, anger, loss, shame, guilt. It’s like a never-ending, not fun rollercoaster and makes it so much harder to gain a sense of closure of the relationship. Let’s be real; a breakup can feel easier to deal with when we know our ex is suffering too. But when we find out they’ve met someone and splashing their happiness all over town, especially if it was their bad behaviour or some kind of wrong doing that triggered the breakup, and yet here we are still engulfed in a myriad of horrible emotions and pain, how can that be fair? 

And then we start thinking that maybe if we’d have hung in there that bit longer or compromised just a little more, they’d still be with us and not with this new person who is now going to get the best of them? Whilst we’re here alone and miserable!

Ugh, it’s truly exhausting isn’t it. 

Well, the purpose of this post is to try and shed some light on this tough to navigate situation. Let’s cut straight to it - and let’s shout this one louder for the people at the back!

Just because your ex is with someone new, this doesn’t mean that they will now gloriously transform into a new person or that it will eradicate their previous bad behaviour or habits that contributed to the breakup in some way. 

Even if they end up getting engaged to or marrying that person, this also doesn’t mean an automatic remedy for toxic behaviour and will only serve as an expensive, elaborate and drastic bandaid/plaster. That’s an important one to remember. 

I get it though - it still feels so tough but what you have to keep reminding yourself is that whilst your ex is probably in the honeymoon period now and putting their best foot forward, their same patterns will start to surface with this new person eventually. By then, you will feel so relieved that this isn’t you and understand that even if you got shot by the bullet whilst in the relationship, the next time round you most definitely dodged it. You will be grateful for that, I assure you.  

I just want to add here that this isn’t about taking glory in the fact that your ex and their partner might experience relationship turbulence and unhappiness later down the line. That’s not what I’m about and it’s not good for any of us to revel in that kind of thought or emotion. Your happiness should be the priority and focus. But what I do want to offer you is some perspective. The new relationship can trigger us into questioning our judgement. It can make us believe that we should have compromised our boundaries more and feel like now we’re going to have to pay the price for letting them go.   

The truth is, if your ex hasn’t resolved their issues, the happiness they’re showing now is temporary. If they need to change in some way in order to know what it means to be part of a healthy relationship, only they can do that. New partners or other people can certainly inspire us or be a positive influence on us and be part of the reason why we want to change if that’s needed, but ultimately, the desire and motivation to change has to come from within. That’s why you will see so many people - and maybe you’ve done this too (because hey, this isn’t about ex-bashing, we all have stuff we could do with working through!) repeating the same patterns in each relationship. Your ex isn’t going to be an anomaly. 

If it’s the type of situation where your ex didn’t really do anything wrong and you find yourself wondering if they’re happy with someone else, I think it’s key to find a way to make peace with the fact that yes, they might be. It doesn’t mean that they weren’t happy with you but as I always say, if a relationship isn’t right for one person then it isn’t right for the other either. What you need to do is find your own sense of happiness again as an individual and regain that sense of owning your life force. We can often look to a partner to fulfil this and breakups can be the perfect catalyst to really understand how to take ownership of ourselves once more. 

The answer to both scenarios is to try and shift your thoughts away from your ex and onto yourself. You have too much of a life to live and that must take priority over worrying about the happiness of your ex. Allow the thoughts to come if they do, but then stop, remember the perspective you now know, and choose a different thought. That’s how the rewiring of eradicating the ex-obsession will start to form. 

I hope this has helped anyone who needs to hear it.

Laura x 

PS If you would like more 1:1 help with getting over your ex, I offer a Move On From Your Ex Rewiring Power Hour, where I will introduce you to a range of tools and techniques that will help you to rewire your thought patterns to be able to let go of your ex. You can book that here.

I also have my private group (this one is for girls only) here called Girl Chat with Laura where I share more videos and content geared towards women. Request to join and I will add you!

Coping with a Breakup When You Weren’t ‘Officially’ Dating

Breakups are hard enough when you’re in a relationship but what about those breakups when you’re only ‘kind of’ or casually dating someone? Somehow, I think these breakups can actually be harder to transition through because it’s almost like we don’t feel like we should or deserve to grieve that relationship - whatever it was.

So I thought I would talk about this topic more. A follower sent me this on instagram this week -:

Who can relate??! I think it’s a huge challenge of dating in today’s world!

In fact, I remember going through a very similar experience a few years ago. I really liked this guy - everything seemed to be going amazingly and very quickly (which in itself, when I reviewed the signs and circumstances was a red flag). In all honesty, the lifetime of the relationship was only about 6 weeks. We were never ‘official’ because he was admittedly emotionally unavailable but when things ended, it knocked me harder than a couple of my longer-term relationships.

The thing was, I didn’t quite know how to get over it or move through it because we were never in an actual relationship. I felt like the usual ‘steps’ didn’t really apply to me. I felt like I couldn’t get the closure I needed.

After speaking with so many people on this, coaching them through it and of course, having gone through it myself those years ago, I wanted to share how you can deal with it if you find yourself in this mindf**kery of a scenario too!

What You Are Feeling is Real and OK

Ok so first of all, the ‘terms’ of the relationship aren’t important. What is important are your feelings and what you are feeling is very real. You’re human. You had a connection with someone; whether that was physical, emotional, spiritual or an amalgamation of the three. That isn’t to be discounted just because there wasn’t a label or a time period that constituted it being a long-term relationship.

Some of the hardest romantic experiences to get over are the ones that lasted barely any time because they were so intense. So if you are feeling heartbroken, you’re completely entitled to feel that. Allow it.

Cry, journal it out, look after yourself physically, surround yourself with positive people, do things you enjoy - all the things you would do if you were going through an ‘actual’ breakup.

No Contact

Don’t contact the person you dated. Remember, you can create your own closure. You don’t need the other person to do this. You don’t need text conversations about why they didn’t or can’t commit. You don’t need answers because the fact that the dating experience between you is over is closure enough. They’ve shown you their intentions and perhaps they’re not a bad person, but just not ready. That’s nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. 

However, that still doesn’t mean you lower your standards to accommodate them. The guy I mentioned above, he wasn’t ready but he wasn’t a bad person. He just had so many things he needed to figure out for himself and I didn’t have the power to speed this up. No matter how understanding I was, how pretty I tried to look when I saw him, how intellectual, funny or empathetic I tried to be. No one had that power. It was heartbreaking walking away but it saved me so much potential heartache in the future. 

The danger with these very casual types of relationships is that they leave so much room to weave in and out of each other’s lives because there are no relationship parameters. Usually when there’s an unequal balance of commitment, the person who is hot/cold and more into the whole ‘casual’ thing, they can unfortunately see it (and us without our boundaries) as the low hanging fruit. It almost gives them a free pass to text when they’re bored or even maybe genuinely missing us. They can perhaps say the right things but if they still can’t commit there is nothing we can do to change that. Texts are easy. Words are words. Actions - and consistent actions, are very different. 

Know your Values

When you really like someone it’s very tempting to compromise your values and wants just to get to spend time with them. So know where the line is drawn. Don’t accept morsels of a ‘what-if’ relationship. The fact is, if the person isn’t willing to commit to a relationship (and I don’t mean for the sake of calling it a relationship, but more so, they give you all the things that a healthy relationship consists of), then you have to be really strong and put your feelings for them beneath your values, self-respect and needs.

You have to disregard ‘what if’ for ‘what is’.

Believe me, I know this one is hard but it’s the greatest gift you can give yourself to walk away from someone who isn’t prepared to offer you the commitment you deserve. Again, this isn’t about being the bigger person or doing it so they see what they’re missing. It’s about committing to yourself and walking away from people or situations that aren’t aligned to where you’re at. 

The New Person They’re Dating isn’t Getting the ‘Best’ of them

Also know that if this guy/girl quickly starts dating someone else, it’s ok to feel hurt. Again, you’re human and its unrealistic to feel nothing when you had a form of connection. But please know that if you were messed around or they were emotionally unavailable in some way, just because they’re with someone else, that someone else will soon experience all the things you did too. The hot/cold behaviour, the unknowing about where they stand, the same patterns. The new person doesn’t have a special power to change them just like you didn’t. Changing can only come from within them.

If this new person does end up being a long-term thing, the exit out of the ‘kind-of’ relationship was exactly what you needed. That person was not for you and now you’re free to find the right one. It can be so hard to accept but it is true.

Even though this knowledge might not take away the pain, it can help to soothe it. I really do want you to try and take comfort in this because I know it’s heart-wrenching to go through. 

What if you Have Mutual Friends?

One question I also received was how to navigate awkward conversations with the person you dated if you share a friendship group. This again can be really hard but if your feelings are that strong, creating distance with that group, especially if your ‘ex’ is always around too, can be a wise thing to do - even if it’s temporary. Put your feelings first because the more you see them, the more you’ll relive the pain over and over and it’s excruciating. It’s like rubbing salt into an emotional wound.

If you’re feeling somewhat neutral about the breakup, just make peace with the fact that the conversation will be awkward. There’s no getting away from that. I don’t think there’s any way to escape the awkwardness that comes with bumping into an ex (even the not ‘real’ exes!) for the first time?! So the best way to handle it if there is one, is with grace, ease, dignity and a degree of emotional distance. 

Are These Type of ‘Drive-by’ Relationships Healthy?

This person also asked if ‘drive by’ relationships are an unhealthy coping mechanism for bigger personal issues you have yet to face. She explained that both her and the guy she was dating had recently gotten out of long term relationships. The dating situation then ended and perhaps they were seeking fulfilment in each other to avoid looking within themselves?

With this one, I think we’ve all been there when we’ve dated quickly after a relationship. I don’t believe this is good, bad, right or wrong but if part of you is questioning your reasons or deep down, you know that it’s to mask something underlying that you’re struggling to face, then that suggests that some more time is needed to heal.

It doesn’t necessarily or always mean you have deep rooted issues to resolve, more so that you’re feeling a little vulnerable and looking for a new experience with someone else is a way to relieve that. But when this comes with an aftermath of pain or mini-heartbreak, then it’s likely a sign that you just need to give yourself more time to show yourself that you can find that fulfilment within yourself and other aspects of your life. So that is what you work on.

When you feel that your life is nicely full and that a partner would add to that rather than relying on them to make it full, that’s a great place to date.

Taking time out to be alone and address any issues if there are any can be scary but it can also be truly transformational. It’s like you almost have to walk into the unknown, face that fear and go through the discomfort to get the reward that 100% comes at the other side. And the fear does lesson but you just have to give yourself that time to allow it. 

Breakups and dating - of all types can be messy. It’s so important that we be kind to ourselves, take the time we need and know that not every relationship is going to work out perfectly. (Sometimes we can over-analyse things that just weren’t meant to be and drive ourselves crazy!) But also, that there is always some kind of lesson or opportunity for growth.

I really hope this helps anyone going through this right now - please let me know if you have anything to add or something you’d like me to speak more on in a follow up post!

Love,

Laura x

How to Find Love when You're Losing Hope

If you constantly feel like your time has passed, that you’ll never find anyone ‘better’ than your ex or that every relationship potential seems to only serve to reconfirm your fears about love, then this one is for you.

I also want to add a full disclaimer to this post - I am not in a relationship myself right now. I really believe it’s important for me to be transparent about this because I can assure you, as I write this, I fully empathise, understand and appreciate all the fears that you might be experiencing too. I’d like to say that I’m not in a relationship because I love and choose to be single. Well, I do like being single ha but would I like a relationship? For sure!

My personal reason isn’t that I’ve gone through romantic heartbreak recently, that I’ve been on a string of dates that didn’t work out or just can’t seem to seek out that ‘spark’ (which I have my own unique views on anyhow but that’s for another post!).

I’m a big believer in not dwelling on things but again, for transparency, the past 2/3 years have been the most challenging times I’m sure I’ll ever go through when it comes to my health and it hasn’t made for a particularly vibrant or active dating life! With that, so many fears have arisen. I’ve been hell-bent on improving my health and luckily now, I’m almost fully healed. And I really am enjoying dating more but my god, it’s reminded me what these dating waters are made of!

This post isn’t about me, but I wanted to add this in to let you know that I’m right in this one with you my friends :)

(This also isn’t a ‘how to date after bad health’ type of post but just wanted to give you some context!)

So how do you begin to believe that love is out there for you?

You Believe in You

Regardless of your reason - heartbreak, dates not working out, never getting past the third date, feeling like you can’t seem to meet your soulmate no matter how many dates you go on, a health crisis or a personal challenge, the first thing I want you to know, is that before you even begin to believe in love, you have to believe in you.

When we’re in this timeline or lack-focused mindset, it exposes us to firstly over-analyse. Ourselves, our fears, other people, the idea of love, the correct route to finding ‘the one’. It can drive us crazy.

Secondly, it also makes us question our past in a negative way. I know when I was out of a rough breakup and feeling shaky or despondent about the prospect of love, I’d often think ‘maybe if I’d have been a little more open to compromise’ ‘maybe the relationship was better than I thought - every relationship has ups and downs’, ‘maybe what he did/said wasn’t that bad after all….’

There’s a big difference between owning your mistakes and where you might have overreacted and then discounting the bad things to boost the good to an unrealistic level because you’re scared of being alone forever.

The truth is, love will be very hard to come by whilst you still don’t believe in yourself, your choices and your ability to know right from wrong. You can get out there dating buzzing with outer confidence but the minute something triggers your inner insecurities, the following things can happen -:

- You meet someone you like and ignore those small signs that this person isn’t right for you. They don’t match your values, show signs of emotional unavailability, might cross boundaries, play hot and cold but yet you like them and so you over compromise and overlook the things that ring inner alarm bells to you.

- You find it hard to distinguish the good person from the right person who aligns with your core values.

- You become timeline and outcome focused.

- You continue the pattern of falling for the wrong people. When this happens, it’s no coincidence.

You have to start believing in yourself. How to do this? You get comfortable with your fears and insecurities and you become friends with them. You practice choosing and engaging in healthy relationships in all areas of your life - not just romantic. You learn to become confident in your decisions, choices, your values and what’s important to you. You make all of this a part of your daily life.

As James Altucher, one of my favourite writers and speakers says, you ‘Choose Yourself’. 

Believing in yourself is more than affirmations in the mirror and vision boards. Sure, that can help but it’s the actions that create the self-belief and this starts long before pasting pictures on a corkboard or signing up to another dating app. It’s not always easy and it might mean being single for longer, but I assure you, it’s worth it.

For me, although my health put me at a disadvantage when it came to being able to meet someone, I can’t just be a victim and put the entire blame on that and not take responsibility. I haven’t ever really put my health as a proper priority in the past (despite always claiming I was into ‘wellness’) and so, I’ve had to pay the price and learn how to. I’ve had to see and focus on my qualities that I could bring to a relationship outside of the external things we typically use to validate ourselves. All of those external validations I couldn’t really rely on so much, so I had to dig deeper.

I’ve also had to learn how to be way more compassionate, kind and understanding of others and not get too self-consumed. I now place so much more emphasis and attention on a person’s qualities and emotional awareness/intelligence as opposed to their job, looks, level of success etc.

It’s certainly not been a linear thing and it’s been hard. But what I’ve gained will serve me so well in my next relationship and I feel very grounded in my worth (and others’) as a result.

Become the Person you Want and Deserve to be in a Relationship with

It’s very easy to take a shopping list approach to meeting someone. I’m big on being clear on your core values when it comes to a partner and not settling, but we often forget that until we become that person, act like that person and live up to those values we seek out, we’re usually looking for something in someone to provide a practical or emotional security blanket.

So before you start writing off people because they’re not this or that (hey, we’ve all been guilty of it!), start to become that person for yourself. The more you do, the more you’ll start to gravitate towards and attract the same kind of people. Like attracts like. You’ll also be more confident in walking away if something isn’t right - yes, even if you’re crazy attracted to that person!

Don’t Focus too much on it! (Then you’ll see there’s no such thing as a Lack of Love.)

We all feel the pressure - especially as we get into our 30’s and beyond. It’s easy to say to not worry about it but I know that’s tough. Honestly though, the longer you spend fretting, the less you’re living your life, which will be what actually gets you meeting people and feeling happier and fulfilled.

Help others, find a passion, nurture your existing relationships, be healthy, have fun and work through those insecurities to get more comfortable with yourself. The more you do this, the less pressure you’ll start to feel and that is when love will begin to look much more abundant.

I hope this helps anyone who needs it. Remember, you’re not alone in the way you feel. We’re all in this together and I strongly believe it can be so reassuring to know that :)

Laura xx

The Bounce Back Podcast: Overcoming Adversity & the Art of the Bounce Back with Lauryn Evarts Bosstick

Image from Lauryn’s Instagram

On this week’s episode of the Bounce Back Podcast, my guest is Lauryn Evarts Bosstick, the founder of The Skinny Confidential and co-host of the Skinny Confidential Him & Her Podcast.

I’m proud to be an OG follower of Lauryn’s so you can imagine my excitement when she said she’d love to come on the show!

Lauryn and I have such a fantastic conversation about the true art of a bounce back. What I particularly love about this episode, is that it’s packed full of Lauryn’s practical advice and tips.

We talk about what it really means to bounce back in love, life and business and how to take those steps to do so. We chat self-love, stoicism, business, relationships, how to go after the relationship you want and deserve, self-improvement, comparison and Lauryn gives us the lowdown on how to rejuvinate your skin, body and mind whilst going through heartbreak! (Well, I couldn’t let her get away without sharing some of her skincare and beauty advice!)

This episode was such a joy to record and there are countless takeaways for you to utilise to take control of your own bounce back right now.

LISTEN IN HERE

The resources Lauryn recommends -:

@dailystoic

The Daily Stoic - Ryan Holiday

Awaken The Giant Within - Tony Robbins

The 48 Laws of Power - Robert Greene

Find Lauryn at The Skinny Confidential 

Lauryn's IG: @theskinnyconfidential

TSC Him And Her Podcast

Hope you enjoy! Here is the link again on itunes to listen in.

Laura x

How to Stop Self-Sabotage in its Tracks

This is one that comes up over and over again with people I work with and I know that all of my own personal downfalls have been rooted in self-sabotage. It’s something I have to work on daily - multiple times!

The reason why self-sabotage is so difficult to break out of, is because it’s habit. It’s our default go-to and most of all, it feels safe. Doing the opposite action (which is usually what’s needed) or just something different is scary and takes us into unknown territory. So we resort back to those old behaviours that eventually lead to the same outcome.

These are the kind of things we say to ourselves and others when it comes to these habits and behaviours -:

- “It’s just the way I am”

- “I know it’s the wrong thing but it’s just so difficult to change”

- “It’s just part of my personality and I can’t help that”

Self-sabotage can hinder us in health, relationships, finances, career, self-esteem and basically everything that involves us being a human on this earth. Usually it tends to happen in one prominent area but can filter into other parts of our life too.

As the quote goes “How you do anything is how you do everything”

So how do you stop self-sabotage in its tracks to kick-start your bounce back? Here are a few ideas that I regularly use to pull myself out of it when it creeps in.

#1 Identify the behaviour or habit

It’s very easy to just say ‘well, this is the way I am’ but honestly, that’s not true. Our brains can be re-wired to change and whilst we have personality traits, our way of thinking, our behaviours and our habits can all be re-wired to change in a way that serves us better.

To do this though, you have to be willing to name what it is that’s self-sabotaging you. To call it out. For example, if you find yourself always getting hurt in relationships, what are you doing to create that? Are you gravitating towards the people that just aren’t good for you and ignoring the red flags in favour of excitement, ‘living life’ or giving someone a chance? Are you a constant people pleaser and ignoring the times you want to just say no? When it comes to your health, do you have good intentions but then ‘fall off the wagon?’ None of these things mean you are a weak or bad person - definitely not! But being willing to name them is a huge, brave and very necessary step.

#2 Imagine the habit/behaviour is a separate ‘thing’ in-front of you

It can feel like self-sabotage is innately within us or part of our DNA. It can also feel like it creeps in from behind us when we’re unaware. A little trick I learnt, which was immensely helpful, is to imagine it sitting right in-front of you; smaller than yourself and like an annoying little creature or ‘thing’. All of a sudden, it doesn’t have as much power, it can’t hurt you and you are in a much more empowering position to make a different choice.

So if you know your go-to is to think negative of yourself (e.g. I suck at relationships anyway, I always get hurt, I’m not attractive enough, it’s no wonder I can’t meet anyone, everyone is doing better/more sorted than me etc) and sends you on a downward spiral, imagine that thought or action is right in-front of you instead of part of you. All of a sudden, it can no longer hurt you. You can consciously choose a different thought and even if you still don’t feel great, you’re priming yourself to be less reactive and in a place to make a different choice.

#3 Do the different thing

This one sounds easy and really, it is. We tend to hugely over complicate things but when it comes to taking an action that feels so alien to us, even with the best intentions, our default is to go back to self-sabotage. To create a new habit or way of thinking and therefore way of being, you need to start doing the different thing.

Instead of being tempted by the charming, charismatic guy or your ex who you know deep down is emotionally unavailable, choose to dodge that one in favour of doing something for yourself instead or going for the guy who seems less exciting but is showing you has the makings of a good person who represents all the things you really want and need in a relationship.

When you know not fuelling your body properly makes you feel like crap because of how you’ve felt before doing that, but your low mood seems to make you do it anyway, stop and think what would better fuel you? This doesn’t necessarily mean not having the glass of wine/pizza/whatever food you’ve deemed ‘bad’ by the way! It might actually mean allowing yourself to have it, enjoying it and moving on with your life instead of beating yourself up afterwards. Or it might mean getting better sleep or seeking support from someone who can help you get your physical health on track.

It might mean doing something that you know is going to make you feel better and healthier.

I’ve been on a...hmmm.....'interesting' journey with my health the past 2 years. After being totally entrenched in and obsessed with healing diets and protocols, I’m now having to take complete opposite actions to restore my health. I’m having to do different things and choose different thoughts every day and it’s tough! But I know it’s the only way.

Ultimately, you know what to do. You know what will best serve you so you need to do exactly that even if it feels like you’re in a different body. Doing the thing that creates a different and better result over and over will mean the rewiring will start to take place. And then slowly, THAT becomes the new habit.

I wish I had a magic cure for stopping self-sabotage forever in one hit. (Well, if I did, I’d be living the high life in my Beverly Hills mansion sipping champs with Lisa Vanderpump dahling ;) ) Unfortunately there isn’t an ultimate quick fix. But these steps have helped me and the people I work with one-to-one hugely. (There are many more of course, but I thought these would be a good starter.)

The thing is though, change can be created quickly if you want it enough and are ready to say goodbye to your old thoughts and behaviours - or at least turn the volume of them down. It’s the self-awareness of them and repetitiveness actions to change them that you have to commit to.

So just to repeat, self-sabotage isn’t part of your personality, it’s just a way of thinking that has become so engrained in you. Name it, see it as separate to you and start doing and thinking the different thing.

The way out, is always through :)

Laura x

Latest Podcast with Gala Darling

I'm writing this from sunny LA and enjoying some much needed relaxation time!

But I just wanted to let you know that I have a new podcast episode out with radical self-love QUEEN Gala Darling!

In the episode we talk about bouncing back from breakups (and Gala offers an entirely new perspective on how long it takes to get over a breakup), manifesting, self-love, Emotional Freedom Technique as a tool for healing and so much more. I know you're going to get an abundance of wisdom from this one! 

You can listen in here.

Enjoy!

Laura xx

PS I will be back with more posts very soon! 

Approaching Mental Health and Dating

Pic by Hey Saturday

Hi guys and gals! Hope you're all doing really well. 

Today I wanted to share a post I wrote for Eharmony on mental health and dating. This one is so important and definitely on my heart due to what I've experienced in the past couple of years with my health bounce back and learning to overcome the fear of dating and getting into a relationship. 

During this time, I've been incredibly consumed with thoughts of being inadequate, a 'burden' or like I don't have as much to offer as a partner. It goes without saying that it's taken it's toll mentally. I will be going into this much more in depth on my podcast next week. 

Mental health is something that so many of us are challenged with and we often suffer in silence. It doesn't and shouldn't have to be that way - particularly when it comes to dating and our relationships. So I really hope this helps and offers some comforting yet practical advice. 

You can read it here. 

Laura xx

How to Keep Going when you Feel Like Giving up

Pic snapped by Saskia Nelson of Hey Saturday

I didn’t actually plan to write this post but it’s something that’s been on my mind lately. If you’ve been through the trenches of a breakup, heartbreak, health struggle, career breakdown situation or just feeling like life is throwing you one sh** brick after another, you’ll know how hard it is to get back on the horse of positivity and keep going.

(Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a post just about ‘staying positive’ ;) )

The reason why I wanted to write this, is because I totally get it. I was there throughout a previous breakup and it’s something I’ve experienced in my life recently, in a different way. Most people find me through my work in heartbreak; mainly breakups, but heartbreak can come in so many forms. It can also manifest physically in a multitude of ways. 

You may have read a few of my older posts around my health challenges. As this blog is for the purpose of helping you, I won’t go into the nitty gritty of all the details but to keep it brief and offer some context, the ‘health heartbreak’ as I’ll call it, went on for some time and keeping on going, remaining ‘positive’ and finding a way up was a challenge to say the least!

As mentioned, I don’t want this post to be all about me but I just want you to know that I’m coming at this from the ‘I get it, I’m with you’ perspective. 

So whether you’re going through a breakup, a health struggle or any kind of heartbreak that's completely unique to you, I wanted to share some coping techniques that I implemented and still continue to, that might be of use to you too.

1) Be grateful

I know, you’ll have probably heard this one a zillion times over but there’s a reason why you hear gratitude being spoken about so much. It’s POWERFUL. If there’s an instant way to defuse those feel bad vibes, it’s gratitude, and even if it doesn’t directly change your situation, it changes your perspective. 

I love this quote by Roy. T Bennett -:

“Great things happen to those who don't stop believing, trying, learning, and being grateful.” 

Being grateful shifts you from a dwelling, passive and stagnant mode into a receptive one. Being in the here and now and catching that glimmer of light through the darkness. From there you're open to new ideas, hope and inspiration. Whatever you’re going through, it’s not about discrediting it or trivialising it. Breakups are rough. Heartbreak can be agony; physically and emotionally. But you will ALWAYS have something to be grateful for. It could be something tiny such as a beautiful colour you spot in your home, a song on the radio, a call you had with a friend yesterday. The more things you list, the more you will find. 

 2) Look to others as examples

This is all about finding evidence that ‘if they can do it, I can too!’ Whenever I feel like giving up or resigning myself to always feeling this way, I find examples of other people who have come from a similar place as I have and are thriving. I’ve done this with my health and I did it when I was going through my last breakup. 

You’ll often learn that for those people, it was also a process, but seeing them a few steps ahead of you or even miles ahead, can give you the fuel you need to know it’s possible for you too. As humans, we’re all really made of the same stuff. Yes, our genetics are different, our DNA is different, our backgrounds and social conditioning are different. But ultimately, we all have the same potential regardless of academic intelligence, appearance, wealth or background. When it comes down to it, heartbreak is the ultimate equaliser, shakes us all to our core and mindset trumps everything. So look to others as a way to remind yourself that if they can, you can!

3) Rewire and reprogram your brain

Something that I’ve been studying intensely over the past 6 months is how (and why) to rewire your brain. Honestly, it’s mind blowing!

What this means is learning how to identify and change your internal and subconscious beliefs to heal. Say you just can’t seem to get over your ex despite doing everything in your power. Yup, you’ve read all the books and all the articles and nothing seems to help.

Even though on a conscious level you want for the pain to be over more than anything, deep down, some of the beliefs you could be experiencing might include not feeling good enough to be alone or in new relationship, being scared of your identity without your ex, not wanting to let go of your ex or being afraid of change. 

With health, it could be not believing you’re worthy of having perfect health, being scared of what would happen if you were healthy, feeling unsafe in the world, being afraid to speak your truth, not believing that you’re capable of taking care of yourself…..

Ultimately the process of rewiring is individual and allows you to tap into those deep rooted and often insidious reasons that are keeping you stuck - usually they’re a little ‘WTF?!’ and enlightening to discover! It’s then about calming down your limbic system to get into a parasympathetic state as opposed to a fight or flight one to then begin to rewire those old patterns and turn them into new ones that will support getting over your ex, getting back to perfect health or whatever situation you’re looking to bounce back from. 

This process includes a highly repetitive blend of elements such as affirmation, visualisation and action. I’m going to do a separate post on this though - let me know any specifics you’d like me to cover. Honestly, this one is a game changer!

4) Just DO something

Feelings of depression tend to go hand in hand with heartbreak. Of course, there are different degrees of depression and if you do feel concerned about how you’re feeling or struggling, I really encourage you to seek support from a licensed and fully qualified therapist/expert or doctor who can offer the right tools to help you. Having that kind of support can be incredibly powerful. But right now, let’s talk about feelings of depression.

I’m not going to lie, over the past year when I was really going through it, I sometimes spent days in bed feeling emotionally numb. I isolated myself and felt like the days were on Groundhog Day repeat. It sucks. Depression is the worst kind of emotion because it’s passive. There’s no energy behind it. 

Nothing is impossible but it can be very tricky to go from feeling depressed to absolutely elated in a short space of time. No amount of affirmations can make your subconscious believe it! But aiming just a few rungs up the emotional ladder is more do-able. Even moving from depression to frustration or anger is an amazing step, because those emotions have energy behind them. You can DO something with them. 

To ignite that emotion climb it requires you to create energy within your body. Do jumping jacks, go for a walk, cook, clean, call a friend, do something which makes you feel like you’re ‘doing’ something. Movement is a great one. A brilliant definition of emotion is ‘energy in motion’. My personal new favourite is to put on a great tune and dance like a lunatic and let everything I’m feeling move through my body. I listened to a Tim Ferris podcast with Aubrey Marcus recently and Aubrey was talking about his ecstatic dance ritual to extract lower emotional feelings out of the body. 

It’s amazing how when we resign ourselves to staying stagnant, we embody that physically and emotionally. We feel tired. We feel worse inside. But just a little movement or environment change can be all we need in that moment to shift and get an extra rung up the emotion ladder. 

 5) Be the inspirer you need

Imagine that your younger, childlike self is feeling how you’re feeling. Going through this experience. What would you do or say to them to help them through? To keep them feeling inspired, safe and nurtured? When I thought of the younger me going through what I was dealing with, it immediately shifted me from victim mode to ‘right, let’s do this!’ because I want to take care of her. I’d hate to think of my 7-year-old vulnerable self feeling unsafe in the world and in her body. So by giving her that reassurance that everything is ok, it gives me that too. By taking care of her, I take care of me. It helps me access an innate kind of wisdom where nothing can stand in the way of my healing - for my 35-year-old self right now and for my 7-year-old self. 

Just know that whatever heartbreak you’re going through, it will pass. Feel it, be ok with it, know that it’s a human experience, know that like a captain steering a ship sometimes you have to adapt and go left, sometimes you have to go right; it isn’t a linear path. Do what you can to keep yourself moving forward a tiny step every single day. That’s all it takes.

Plus, you have your bounce back celebration to keep you going and look forward to! I'm a huge believer in celebrating all the wins and getting through heartbreak is one to be celebrated big time! To help you do that, I’ve just added a really exciting new service to my offerings! I’ll be doing a separate post on that next week but you can read all about it here - events are something I LOVE to plan and it brings me no greater joy than to help clients and friends plan their own bounce back celebrations!

I hope you enjoyed this post and would love to hear your thoughts on your bounce back methods!

Laura x

Making your Space your Own after a Breakup

Image from Design Home

Breaking up with someone is tough enough, but when your space only serves to be a constant reminder of your relationship, it can be even harder to get some form of escape. It can also be a real challenge transitioning to living alone.

However, like all rough things that happen, I strongly believe there is opportunity in this! In this case, it’s a chance to explore your individuality through your space rather than worry about what (and who!) is missing.

This past year I’ve really got into home décor and have become totally obsessed with how people arrange and furnish their spaces! Your environment can be such a great reflection of your personality, creativity and mindset and it’s also a fun and nurturing way to explore your independence.

So, I've put together a few ideas on ways that you can make your space or home feel distinctly yours.

1) Explore different colours that energise you

Updating the colour of your space is a great way to invite in renewed feelings and energy. Hated that boring white wall your ex insisted on? Well now is the time to experiment with a colour that really lights you up!

2) Experiment with new art or accent decor

When you live with another person, there can be disagreements on taste in wall art, furniture décor and even the simple touches like throw pillows. Adding in some unique accent pieces such as a signature hanging light like the ones here or a unique piece of framed art from Etsy can transform your space without buying new furniture. Accent pieces are also a great way to be creative and let your personality shine through!

Another of my personal favourite places to buy good value and super cool wall art is Desenio.

3) Incorporate a bar-cart or tea/coffee corner

I love this one! Now that you’re single, you have even more time to entertain and spend time with friends. A chic bar-cart or space devoted to chatting with friends over tea can be a perfect way to inspire yourself to invite people over and rev up your social life. Here are some nice ideas to get you started.

4) Designate a space in your home for new hobbies

It’s all about creating new memories and undergoing personal expansion! One of the best cures for a breakup is finding something new to explore on your own. If it’s a hobby you want to immerse yourself in, designate a space in your home that's devoted to it.

It could be art, DIY, cooking, learning a new language or creative writing. For me, working out was my saviour so you could create a specific space for some yoga practice, dance or a general workout. Whatever your new hobby is, don’t be afraid to incorporate it into your environment, as it’s a reflection of you, your personality and your new-found independence!

Ultimately it’s about finding touches to add to your home that make you happy and represent a fresh chapter in your life. Plus it makes for a healthier distraction than stalking your ex’s Instagram ;)

I hope you enjoyed this slightly more practical post! As always if you’d like to look into working with me on a bespoke level, reach out on laurayatescoaching@gmail.com and let’s make it happen.

Love,

Laura

How to move on: a guide for anyone struggling to let go of an ex. (Guest Post for Eharmony)

Hi everyone! I just wanted to share a new Eharmony piece with you where I talk about my top tips for moving on compassionately when it comes to letting go of your ex. I hope you enjoy and find it helpful!

You can read it here: How to move on: a guide for anyone struggling to let go of an ex

Love,

Laura xx

The Importance of Boundaries in a Relationship

This week I wrote a post for eHarmony on all things boundaries in a relationship. What they are, what happens when you don't have them and why they're crucial for a fulfilling dating experience and relationship.  

You can read it here and hope you enjoy!

Love,

Laura x

How to Use Heartbreak as Fuel for Reinvention

Illustration for the Newsette by Ellie Benuska

This week I had the pleasure of writing a guest post for The Newsette. If you haven't signed up for it, make sure you do - I'm such a fan! It basically curates the best inspiring, motivating and informative career-focused content from around the web for busy women that you can read before your first morning cuppa!

I wrote a post for them sharing advice on how to use heartbreak as fuel for reinvention. You can read it here and hope you enjoy!

Love,

Laura x

How to Manage Life when going through Heartbreak

Getting over a breakup is tough enough in itself, but managing other responsibilities and obligations such as work, college, school and socialising can make it seem all the more overwhelming.

I’ve received quite a few emails around this so thought it might be useful to address it in a post in the hope that it will help anyone who is struggling with managing their healing whilst navigating everything else going on in their life. I know how overwhelming it can feel!

I remember when I was going through this and what really helped me, was to avoid compartmentalising. I tried not to see my work and other responsibilities as separate 'tasks' to my healing and instead, found new ways to use them to fuel and compliment it. 

It can actually be really useful to have these other things going on in your life as a way to focus your mind and attention. Although all we might want to do when going through heartbreak is to hole up under the duvet for days (or weeks) on end, that usually ends up perpetuating what we’re feeling even more because our minds get saturated with thoughts of the breakup. It’s all consuming.

Whilst something like work and actually being productive once there can seem like an almighty uphill struggle, it can lend itself to be a positive distraction and a way for you to channel your brain in a different way. 

Whether its work, college, your business, school, friends, family, your social life in general, you can still work on your healing at the same time. Although, I really do believe that it’s crucial to only take on what you can during these more vulnerable times. Don’t try and overload yourself and stick to what you have to do, and what you want to do!

When it comes to school/college/uni and earning a living, these can’t really be avoided so see them as an opportunity to get yourself into a different environment from one of the heartbreak you’re feeling. Plus, actually getting up out of your heartbreak pit, getting dressed and out the house to get there is a huge in itself! You’re showing up and that’s an achievement! 

It’s not about trying to forget what you’re dealing with once your there (as this might seem impossible!) but more about committing to focusing your attention on the task in hand in small chunks. Just take it in the smallest sections of time possible if you have to. Class by class, meeting by meeting, project by project and so on. 

Time and attention blocking this way will remind you that you can still accomplish and keep control of your life. It can also offer you some new found fuel and inspiration to work harder at your goals and objectives. But you can also factor in some of the more calming healing techniques throughout your day too. Even something as simple as getting out for a walk at lunch can make such impact on how you feel. Or 20 minutes of reading, journaling and some deep breathing in those oh-my-god-I’m-gonna-burst-into-tears moments can really help too!

Try and get in some exercise throughout your working day (Tip - I recommend installing a free pedometer app on your phone to keep track of how many steps you're taking. Even just getting up away from your desk and walking around the office really helps them add up!) , keep yourself well hydrated and choose nourishing foods instead of reaching for quick fixes like sugar and caffeine. I promise you, it sounds boring and simple but will help your mood, energy and how you feel about yourself!

Creating fresh memories is something I also really recommend. You could try taking a different route to wherever you need to get to, listening to some new upbeat music when you’re on your way there and home, grabbing your morning latte in a different coffee shop. The smallest things help to create new, more positive neural pathways in the brain instead of it being triggered to ruminate on the past. There’s nothing worse than passing that same coffee shop every morning where you might have met your ex for breakfast or always called them at lunch and thinking back to those times, dreading how you’re now going to get through the day!

Make new associations with work or school instead.

When it comes to friends, family and your social life, this is where you can be a little more selective. Spend time with people who you genuinely feel good, uplifted and safe around (i.e. not people who suck and drain your energy!) People who you can be transparent with but who aren’t going to encourage you to talk about the breakup over and over. There comes a point where going over the same old ground and trash talking your ex just isn’t helpful. 

Having good people around you who are compassionate about where you’re at but can still make sure the conversation isn’t centred around your ex will definitely help your healing. Laughter, even the shortest, most subtle bursts of it, is THE best medicine and the ultimate antidote to heartbreak. Having the right people on your team to encourage this can be amazing for your wellbeing!

I also really recommend using your social life as a tool for your healing. Surrounding yourself with existing friends but also again, making fresh memories by trying new things and meeting new people. This will help to infuse your world with a sense of moving forwards instead of staying stuck in the past.

Empower yourself to do what you want to do. Strike some sort of balance that’s right for you. If going out with friends after work is just too draining right now, put yourself first and stay home. It’s more than ok to take time out from your usual Thursday night cocktails (and as we all know too well, alcohol and heartbreak ain’t exactly a match made in heaven!)

If you know you just need time to rest your body and mind, do it. Healing is also about instilling your own boundaries and placing your emotional and physical needs as THE top priority when something isn’t a ‘must do’. 

I really hope you found this helpful! Wishing you a great week ahead as always and please do let me know in the comments if you have any more specific questions around this one!

Love,

Laura x