Why Do We Stay in the Wrong Relationships for So Long?

Photo by أخٌ‌في‌الله on Unsplash

I’ve been asked to write a post about this topic many times now, so today, will delve into why we often stay in the wrong relationships for so long.

You can perhaps relate; you’re in a relationship that you know deep down, isn’t right, healthy or aligned with what you really want. Perhaps the same issues are happening over and over again, but you keep negotiating yourself away from those facts by putting the good parts of the relationship on a pedestal.

Because those good parts really are so good!

Maybe you’ve invested all your time and emotion into a relationship with someone and so of course, you want to give the relationship absolutely everything you’ve got.

After all, you have everything laid out ahead of you with this person. You’ve got a version of life mapped out that might include marriage, kids, a home, traveling etc. and so you need to see this relationship through and fight for it tooth and nail to ensure that dream life becomes fulfilled.

But what if you still know, deep down, that the relationship just isn’t working? Be brutally honest with yourself here. Are those good parts really enough of a compelling reason to stay put?

TIme and emotional Investment

The reason why we stay in the wrong relationships for so long is because of the time and emotional investment. When we invest time, money, or emotion into something, we want to see it through to ensure we get the reward. But like investing time or money into something that just isn’t working, there comes a time when it really is time to fold and let go.

Think of it from a financial perspective. It would be crazy to keep investing money into a bad deal. You’d want out before you created any significant financial damage, wouldn’t you?

However, when it comes to emotional investment, I understand the waters become a little muddy.

Fear of the Unknown

Whilst there is something to be said for making relationships work through mutual collaboration and compromise, if you find yourself constantly hoping, waiting, and talking yet nothing seems to change, or if it does, it’s fleeting and temporary, it’s a little like plowing money into that bad deal. The longer you stay in the relationship, the more hurt and emotional damage will be created. Plus, your dignity and sense of self-worth can be seriously compromised.

I understand that fear comes into play here. The fear of losing out on that life with someone you’ve worked so hard to map out. The fear of losing it can feel far scarier than the unknown and the thought of having to start over.

But there comes a point when it is time to see the red flags as just that - red flags. Love shouldn’t be about living in pain. A healthy relationship shouldn’t be filled with terrible lows but absolutely incredible highs. It’s just not sustainable in the long term. Or even on a less intense level, it shouldn’t be about a constant underlying sense of dissatisfaction.

You’re Only Human

And please know that if you’ve found yourself in this situation, or are in it currently, you’re only human. As humans, we all often make mistakes about where to channel our time and emotions. But like that bad deal, know when it’s time to fold and step away.

Yes, it might mean grieving the loss of the life you had ahead of you, but try and set aside the emotional element for a moment. Instead, if you look at the relationship objectively, you have accumulated enough evidence and facts to know that staying put will only come with more emotional sacrifice, hurt, and pain.

Step Away with Your Head Held High!

If you opt-out now, you have the opportunity to rebuild and invest your time and emotional energy into creating the life and future relationship you really, truly deserve.

It might feel scary but I assure you, stepping into the unknown with your head held high and dignity intact will be a much brighter, safer and healthier investment.

Effective Ways to Tackle Stress

Image source - Pixabay - CC0 License

I know all too well about the feeling of stress and the impact it can have on our mind and body. Stress can become a part of our daily lives at any point, especially at this moment in time with everything going on in the world. If we’re not careful to identify where it’s showing up, it can gradually become something we barely realise is occurring.

With an endless list of things to do, more time to do it, and the worry of finances, our jobs, our loved ones and romantic relationships, we can start to feel the many symptoms that stress can bring on. This manifests within all of us in different ways but some of the most common things are feeling tired, irritated, angry and even physical symptoms such as headaches and nausea.

With that in mind, I’ve collated a few simple and accessible techniques and methods you can try that will promote a better sense of calm and wellbeing. I’m a big fan of all of them myself and encourage you to give them a go.

Exercise

Exercising regularly has been proven to help improve mood and the way you feel. Increasing your heart rate and the rate you pump blood around your body also has a positive impact on your hormone levels by way of releasing endorphins and adrenaline into your body. For me, I know exercise really helps to clear my mind and regain a better perspective on the challenge I’m facing.

(That said, it’s also important - and totally ok to rest if this what you feel you need too - listen to your intuition.)  

Yoga

No, you probably didn’t hear it here first but Yoga is powerful. Bringing the focus back to your breathing and clearing your mind of any negative energy is incredibly healing and soothing. Yoga is something that you can easily do from your living room, thanks to online resources and YouTube videos.

Meditation

Taking the properties of yoga one step further you might want to try meditating. You all know I’m a big fan of this one too. Meditation is like yoga for the mind; providing clarity and focus. Meditation might seem like a strange thing to start, but once you become used to doing it, you will absolutely love and feel the benefits.

The use of essential oils

Essential oils are a wonderful way to alleviate stress. Certain scents such as Lavender can help relax your mind while Chamomile can ease you into a relaxing sleep. Essential oils can be added to baths, candle burners and diffusers and they small divine! I always have something burning at home and find it a great comfort.

Hygge

The Danish principal Hygge has burst onto the scene in the past few years. The Danish are renowned for their happy nature and this is largely due to their practice of Hygge. It’s all about being cozy, relaxed and enjoying time with friends and family. Creating that sense of ‘togetherness’. Lighting candles, low lighting, enjoying hot chocolates and curling up in front of a warm fire. Appreciating the good and simple things in life! I adore this concept and try to incorporate it into my life. Even whilst social distancing you can still practice virtual Hygge with your friends and family.

I hope these have offered you some practical ideas. Even just incorporating one into your daily routine can make a profound difference in how you feel.

Love,

Laura xx

The Bounce Back Podcast: Overcoming Adversity & the Art of the Bounce Back with Lauryn Evarts Bosstick

Image from Lauryn’s Instagram

On this week’s episode of the Bounce Back Podcast, my guest is Lauryn Evarts Bosstick, the founder of The Skinny Confidential and co-host of the Skinny Confidential Him & Her Podcast.

I’m proud to be an OG follower of Lauryn’s so you can imagine my excitement when she said she’d love to come on the show!

Lauryn and I have such a fantastic conversation about the true art of a bounce back. What I particularly love about this episode, is that it’s packed full of Lauryn’s practical advice and tips.

We talk about what it really means to bounce back in love, life and business and how to take those steps to do so. We chat self-love, stoicism, business, relationships, how to go after the relationship you want and deserve, self-improvement, comparison and Lauryn gives us the lowdown on how to rejuvinate your skin, body and mind whilst going through heartbreak! (Well, I couldn’t let her get away without sharing some of her skincare and beauty advice!)

This episode was such a joy to record and there are countless takeaways for you to utilise to take control of your own bounce back right now.

LISTEN IN HERE

The resources Lauryn recommends -:

@dailystoic

The Daily Stoic - Ryan Holiday

Awaken The Giant Within - Tony Robbins

The 48 Laws of Power - Robert Greene

Find Lauryn at The Skinny Confidential 

Lauryn's IG: @theskinnyconfidential

TSC Him And Her Podcast

Hope you enjoy! Here is the link again on itunes to listen in.

Laura x

How to move on: a guide for anyone struggling to let go of an ex. (Guest Post for Eharmony)

Hi everyone! I just wanted to share a new Eharmony piece with you where I talk about my top tips for moving on compassionately when it comes to letting go of your ex. I hope you enjoy and find it helpful!

You can read it here: How to move on: a guide for anyone struggling to let go of an ex

Love,

Laura xx

Overcoming the Fear of Change

Changing can be scary stuff. Something I’ve learnt from my own experiences and through working with so many clients over the past 3 years, is that we often say we want things to change, that we want to get over someone, that we want to live a different type of life or live in a different way…. yet we resist exactly what it is we need to do to get to that place.

We start to live in a state of contradiction. 

I’ve wanted my life to change in so many ways before. I’ve wanted a different career, to look differently, to feel differently, to improve my health, to be in a different type of romantic relationship, to cultivate a more well-rounded social circle around me. But I was looking to all of the external that I wanted to change first, and neglected to look at what was going to be the actual crucial catalyst to create all of this ‘change’ that I wanted to manifest into my life.

Through working with many people during heartbreak too, and who are wanting to let go of their ex, something that runs consistently through these conversations is that beneath that first emotional layer, they’re desperate to feel better, to let go, to get their ex out of their mind. To be in that place now. Yet they’re still in contact, seeking closure, holding onto belongings, drafting perfectly crafted emails and texts to get the answers they need from their ex to be able to let go. I've been there and done that too. 

I think we all know though, deep down, that this only serves to prolong the letting go process because we’re putting all of our power in the hands of another person. Their response will determine how we feel, what questions we probably want to ask next and it goes on and on. So beyond all of those other emotional layers (we have so many!), we're not actually wanting to let go subconsciously. We're in direct contrast, holding on. 

Usually, because facing up to what letting go will mean is scary. It symbolises closing a chapter of your life in favour of the new and unfamiliar. And one that is filled with 'what ifs'. 

I've been there so many times in different ways. I get it. But the hard truth that can be difficult to swallow is that creating that change for yourself means doing the very thing that feels so against what you know and what’s familiar.

Letting go of an ex doesn’t require answers from them. Truly letting go is reclaiming your power despite still feeling heartbroken and facing the fact that change is going to be tough, unfamiliar and scary, but striding ahead regardless. 

Truly letting go is when you become physically, emotionally and mentally allergic to that old way of being. 

Throughout some health struggles I had, because it went on for so long, it kind of became the norm. Even though I wanted to feel better more than anything, I’d become attached to the identity of it. Whilst I’m not saying that I enjoyed being in that place, it became all I knew. My mind became programmed with the idea that everything I ate would hurt me, that it would be a long road ahead, that I couldn’t go and do what everyone else around me was doing. That it was a battle. Changing that was tough! When it comes to rewiring your subconscious beliefs, it sure ain't a quick fix. 

My pursuit of health had turned into something that was like a military operation and quite frankly, it was boring, sucked all the life out of me and kept me unwell. It was time to let go and do things in a completely different way. Once I decided that that way of operating was making me feel even more miserable and deprived of life, things turned around quickly. Whilst my health didn’t improve overnight, I took the whole thing a lot less seriously. I created a different way of being. I found ways to laugh more. I completely changed my attitude. I took back my own power of my body and mind. Even though this sounds like an easy trade-off, when you’ve been living in fear of your body and health for so long, it isn’t quite as simple. It’s probably being the biggest change I’ve ever created. Yet the most worthwhile. 

Something else I’ve been thinking over a lot more recently too, is why we feel we have to stay the same so much. Why we resist change. Why do we feel we have to stay in the same career forever, live in the same place, hang out with the same people all the time, remain faithful to our daily routines so rigidly?

Whilst I am a firm believer in sticking to your guns if you’re pursuing something or a way of life that might not be easy, but that sets the fire in your heart alive, I also think there’s something to be said for challenging the belief that you only get one shot in life. If we look at the environment around us, we have seasons, flowers grow and die, the weather changes. It’s never a constant. But as humans who are an integral part of our physical environment, we somehow put so much pressure on what will happen if we change something?

What if though, being more open to change and less rigid will keep us happier and healthier? What if it keeps us truly alive instead of just stagnantly existing?

If you want to try something new, that doesn’t mean your life will fall apart. In my opinion and from what I’ve learnt, we’re meant to evolve, to grow. If something doesn’t work out, even if it’s an absolute epic failure (which let’s face it, sometimes it can be!), what’s the worst that could happen? Chances are if the previous situation is one that’s making you miserable, stressing you out, costing you emotionally and physically, what will come of the failed alternative is going to be better and steer you into a healthier direction for yourself. 

Or even if it’s just curiosity that you’re feeling about some kind of change, if it’s potent enough that it keeps playing on your mind, that’s your inner intuition/alarm system telling you to listen up! There are people I’ve coached who have changed careers after 50, people who have completely reinvented themselves and their life after being in a relationship for 15 years, who have decided to travel in their mid-30’s and beyond, who have given up seriously high paying jobs in favour of ones with half the salary yet double the happiness. Who says you can’t try a different type of career or try something for a while and then move onto something else sometime later? Happiness and fulfilment isn't always a constant. What made us happy 5 years ago, might not any more. And that's perfectly ok!

Again, it’s all about reclaiming your power. Relationships, health, job, career, business, friendships, travel…all of it. When you do this, no matter what happens, you will know what to do next. And reclaiming your power doesn’t mean doing it all on your own. You can get support - that’s why people seek the help of coaches, mentors, practitioners, therapists, doctors, friends, family or just outside guidance. But it’s about knowing that living life to the beat of your own drum isn’t only reserved for people like entrepreneurs, ‘hustlers’ and the ‘lucky ones’. Whether you want to make one small change or a radical one, when you 100% want it, nothing bad can happen. 

You just need to want to change more than you want to stay the same. No, you have to be ravenous for it. You have to be prepared to change the way you think and how you do certain things. The uncomfortable comfort you've existed in will need to change. Yes, it will be scary but I can promise you with full conviction, it will be worth it :)

Laura x

If you'd like to reach out about working with me, you can do so here.