7 Signs You’re Moving on From Your Ex

Photo by Madison Oren on Unsplash

Are you completely over them?

A little while ago, I received what I can only call a relief phone call from a dear friend. The minute I picked up the phone, I could tell that my friend was elated!

Without skipping a beat, she said, “Laura, I think I’m over him.” “Well, good for you!” I said.

I was curious though and asked her “What’s shifted for you?”

She then proceeded to tell me how she had listened to a song during her workout and had only realised a few hours later that it was her ex’s favourite song. Previously, the first bar of this track would send her spiralling.

You see, the reason why getting over an ex can seem like a hurdle is that we pour so much of our entire being; our essence into our relationships.

Once they end, we get into a grieving phase. The good news is, while the loss of a relationship can be painful, we do know that with time, some inner work and addressing a few vital elements, it won’t last forever. So then, how do you figure out that you’re over them for good?

I’ll tell you what to look out for.

1.     Spending time with mutual friends doesn’t bother you

It’s ok to hang out with you and your ex’s mutual friends, but there’s a catch. You can only tell whether or not you’ve moved on if you’re not interested in having conversations dominated around your ex, and have no curiosity or interest in finding out how they’re doing. If you don’t care to know details about your ex’s current life, this is a sure sign that you’re moving on or have moved on.

2.     You don’t stalk them on social media

Once we’ve broken up with someone, it’s easy to fall into the trap of stalking our ex-partner on social media. You want to know every single detail of their life, whether they’re seeing someone, whether they seem happy without you, or simply whether they’re ok.

If there’s one way to ensure that you don’t move on from a relationship quickly, it’s following your ex and engaging with them on social media. The best way to ensure that you get over them faster is to detach. Later down the line if something your ex posts feels indifferent or doesn’t bother you, this is a very positive indication that you’re truly over them.

3.     You don’t think about them anymore

If your mind constantly wanders to the things you and your ex used to do together or say to each other, you’re probably still in that grieving stage. However, if the thought of them rarely crosses your mind or if it does, it doesn’t trigger much of an emotional reaction, the chances are that you have moved on from them.

Remember, it’s more than ok - and natural, to think about your ex once in a while. However, what would have been romantic feelings should be replaced by simply memories if you’ve moved on.

4.     You’re doing more of what you want to do and what makes you happy

If you’re doing more of the things that you loved doing before you met your partner or newly discovered activities that make you happy, chances are that you’ve moved on from your ex. Once you resume a healthy routine that engages you and regain a sense of normality in your day to day, this is an incredibly positive sign.

Maybe you will also find yourself creating an entirely new schedule that’s more in line with your life now, but whatever it is you’re doing, as long as it doesn’t look and feel like you’re tied up to your ex in everything you’re doing, you’re moving on!

5.     You’re interested in someone else

It isn’t always wise to get into a new relationship immediately after a breakup. However, if the idea of going on dates and meeting new people excites you, you’re probably ready for it and have moved on from your ex.

When you’re interested in someone else, it means you’ve already resolved the feelings that came with the breakup. If you’re focused on your ex, it won’t be easy to move on or even be interested in meeting other people.

Sometimes, you might feel like you’re dating simply for the sake of going through the motions. However, you have to remember that there are other people that can make you as happy as your ex did.

6.     You Prioritise Self-care

The truth is that you’re not moving on unless you’re taking care of yourself. Focusing on those core principles of getting enough sleep, drinking water, being mindful of your physical health and generally taking care of yourself. This is where self-care comes in.

You have to take care of your body, mind and spirit. Prioritising self-care is vital if you want to build resilience towards the stressors of life that you cannot avoid - which often includes at some point, a tough breakup.

Once you dial in on your mind, body, and soul - and also adding those extra feel-good pick-me-ups including good skincare (a new personal favourite of mine being Strip Makeup and skincare) and dressing in a way that makes you feel confident and empowered - you will be in a better position to live life to the fullest.

The truth is that self-care isn’t a luxury. It’s a basic need none of us can live without. Without prioritising self-care, we end up feeling fatigued and overwhelmed. Once this is a priority for you, you know that you’re well on your way to moving on from your ex!

7.     Seeing that they’ve moved on is ok

The truth is that once a relationship falls apart, both of you have to move on. The only difference is that you will move on at different paces. When you’re still heartbroken over the loss of a relationship, you’ll probably feel sadness, anger or even betrayal if you were to learn that your ex has moved on.

However, if you’ve also moved on, them getting into a new relationship doesn’t seem to trigger you and you might feel a tinge of sadness, but you don’t dwell. Sometimes, you might also even be happy that they have moved on now that you’ve had the time and space to process, reflect and regain your own identity and life in your own right.

Although these are some of the main indications that you’ve moved on from your breakup and ex, remember that most times, you won’t need an entire list to tell you.

You will feel it and know it deep inside your gut - so trust that instinct and go with it.

7 Ways to Rewire Your Thoughts and Change Your Life After Heartbreak

Photo by Lucas Sankey on Unsplash

Learning how to rewire my thoughts and subconscious has been absolutely instrumental in healing from heartbreak.

Think of rewiring like reprogramming. Many of us believe that we’re inherently destined for a certain outcome or way of being. We might have thoughts and beliefs such as:

‘I always attract the wrong people’

‘I’ll never get over my ex’

‘I’ll never be good enough’

What’s important to know, is that no matter who you are, what you’ve been through and how you feel right now, those thought loops, those ways of existing can be changed. The reason it feels so part of you; so engrained, is because that old ‘DVD’ has been playing for months or probably years.

Past traumas or events - such as a devastating breakup, have created memories - conscious and subconscious, which have imprinted themselves in your brain, body and nervous system. That’s why it can feel impossible to move on from because they all feel like an innate part of you.

Here are 7 ways to break that cycle and finally find your way to emotional freedom and happiness.

1) Trust that you can heal

Right now, you might feel sceptical that things can change. Uncertain that you’ll ever get over your ex, that you can move on from this heartbreak. I get it, I’ve been there. But you need to focus on the small part of you that believes things can change - that you can move on and find happiness. The very fact that you’re on this page, reading this right now, means you are open to it. That is the first part of rewiring. To let go, have faith and trust. Hold onto that because it provides the gateway for your healing to begin!

2) Know that you don’t need your ex (or anyone) for closure

You might feel that to make everything better, all you need is your ex to come back. Or for them to apologise and give you answers and explanations. To give you closure. When your happiness and freedom is bound so rigidly to the actions of someone else, this keeps you trapped emotionally, physically and mentally.

I’m here to tell you – as a fact, that you have the power to create that closure right now for yourself. Your ex doesn’t hold the key to your happiness, your self-worth and value. You have to be willing to look far deeper than that - within yourself, and although it’s hard and it hurts, it’s such a beautiful lesson because it enables us to know how to always take responsibility for our own life and happiness.

3) Shock your system 

When your body, brain and heart is so entrenched in heartbreak, you need to shake up your routine and old habits (the ones that aren’t helping you at least). The reason for this goes far beyond the surface level of giving yourself new distractions just for the sake of keeping busy. The purpose, is to rewire those old neural pathways, which shocks the body and brain and offers it something else to focus its attention on.

If you get up at a specific time and immediately dwell on those thoughts that just won’t dissipate, try waking up a little earlier, get out of bed the other side and do something different than you usually do. Dry body brush and get your lymphatic system going, do some meditation, read or get your clothes on before you even have time to lay in bed and ruminate and go for a walk. Intentionally make a new choice.

Whenever we feel stuck and stagnant, we need to give ourselves a new task to focus on. Some people even do things like learning to write with their left hand if they’re right-handed.

For me, when I understood the science behind creating new routines from a neural plasticity perspective, it really helped motivate me to put these changes in action. It’s all about overriding that old ‘heartbreak DVD’ with a new one that supports this next phase of moving forwards.

4) Learn to expand your self-worth

When we’re so engulfed in heartbreak, it can completely strip our self-worth. Heartbreak can also trigger old wounds from our past and even childhood. The memory can act as a catalyst for past memories that we might have buried. Part of truly overcoming those is to find ways to expand on how we value ourselves. Look back on your relationship and life history and really get honest with yourself. Have you accepted people and situations where you were left feeling undervalued? Have you tried to gain validation by compromising your own needs and becoming a person you don’t even know? Has there been co-dependence at play?

This is why rewiring isn’t about ‘thinking positive’. To truly change - and to change for the long-term, we have to be brave and step out of character.

Your job now, is to give yourself what you needed when you didn’t receive it from your ex, a family member, a co-worker or anyone who has had an impact in your life. You have to value and treat yourself like you want to be treated by another person. You might not feel worthy of it, but stepping up for yourself right now at your lowest, in the way you might wish your ex would, is the only way to create a noticeable shift. It takes you from victim to victor and I assure you, it changes every aspect of your life.

5) Visualise

Like meditation we hear a lot about visualisation. But here’s the thing; the brain doesn’t know the difference between what’s real and what you are imagining - when you’re at the stage of really feeling into the visualisation. Something I did during heartbreak (and do now for other aspects of my life), was to spend time every day visualising how it would feel to be happy. What would I be doing, who would I be spending time with, what kind of places would I visit, what would my friendships be like, what would my work be like, how would my health be? How would it feel to be free of the shackles of checking my phone 24/7 and sleepless nights?

In your visualisation, imagine what kind of person would you be if you were fully healed. How would you go about your day, who you would surround yourself with, what choices would you make, what boundaries would you have and act on?

The more consistently you do this, the more that feeling that you create during the visualisation starts to shift and seep into your everyday. I assure you, although this sounds a bit ‘fluffy’, don’t underestimate its power!

6) Find something greater than yourself

Whenever I've felt at my most vulnerable, broken and unsure, finding meaning in something bigger than myself is always what has seen me through. It's why I get so much fulfilment through this blog, my work as a coach and getting to connect with you all every day.

It's easy to get absorbed in our own stuff. An instant way to shake ourselves out of that, even for a few minutes, is to do one small thing to help someone else. Or to connect with someone else. Or to find a portal that gives us some kind of bigger meaning outside of our own problems. To get curious about the world, to try something different.

Don't wait until you feel completely healed, happy or whole. Do it now, because it will assure you that no matter where you are or what you're going through, you still matter, you still have impact and you have so much unique value in the world. It's then that you will start to feel healed, happy and whole.

When you can find something - anything, outside of yourself, you always know that whatever happens, you're going to be ok.

7) Intercept the thought loop

When you feel those all too familiar thoughts that send you plummeting, stop them in their tracks by literally saying to yourself “Stop”.

Notice the thought, don’t judge it. Just observe it and recognise it as that old thought that served you at one point maybe, but now you’re exhausted by. Choose a new thought that’s a few notches above that old one on the emotional scale.

As an example, the old thought could be:

‘It’s so unfair fair that he/she has moved on so quickly. Why do they get to be so happy and I’m the one still heartbroken??!!’

 The new one could be:

‘They’ve moved on and I don’t feel great about it. But I know the more I dwell on that the more I’m keeping myself stuck. I know that I have to take full responsibility for how I move forwards now. It has nothing to do with my ex and I can at least feel good about knowing that I have the power to change.’

That might be a bit long-winded but you can see where I’m going with it! The more you take inventory of those old thoughts that tempt you back into that dark, stagnant place and choose new ones that support you moving on, the more you will rewire that old DVD.

I really hope you’ve found these tips helpful. I’ll end by sharing a quote by one of my biggest inspirations Dr. Joe Dispenza, which perfectly summarises what this post is about.

“To change is to think greater than how we feel. To change is to act greater than the familiar feelings of the memorized self.” 

Let me know if you put these tips into practice! I’d love to hear.

Love,

Laura x

If you are interested in taking this work further, I work privately with people 1:1 and within that, I create powerful guided reprogramming audios tailored to what you’re going through. If you would like to work with me on a bespoke basis you can get in touch here or book here.  

Sick of being Single on Valentine’s Day? Don’t be Afraid to Face your Fears!

Today for Valentine's Day I have a guest post for you! Christopher Jones is a renowned Breakthrough Expert and has some fantastic advice for anyone who is fed up of being single this Valentine's Day.

Go for it Chris!.........

By Christopher Paul Jones, The Breakthrough Expert

So Valentine’s Day has rolled around again and you are single… again.

While the shops fill up with, and then get emptied of, roses and chocolates and hearts and cards, you find yourself wondering why you are on your own again this year.

Of course, for some people, it is just a case of bad timing.  For others, however, there can actually be something going on subconsciously that almost forces us to destroy a relationship, so that we find ourselves perpetually single.

Maybe now is the time to ask yourself whether fear is the reason that you are single.

After all, fear can play a BIG part in a relationship – think about it… Fear of commitment, fear of your partner cheating, fear of losing someone that you care about... And we usually learn to fear something because of how it felt when we first went through it.

And now, let’s take this one important step further. I know this might sound silly at first. But, from a psychological perspective, I see many clients, who are actually being kept single because of their reaction to fear. Yes, it’s their reaction to fear, rather than the fear itself that destroys their relationships.

A reaction to fear? Keeping you single?

In general, when faced with something that we fear in our relationship, we, as humans, will turn to one of three reactions.  I’m talking about fight, flight or freeze mode. Or, in psychological terms, it is what we refer to as the reptilian mindset. In other words, it is a primeval reaction that happens because of our subconscious.

Usually, when we are little, something happens to us, something not pleasant, and our brain reacts by going into fight, flight or freeze mode. Now, the first time that this happens, we aren’t even aware of it. But our subconscious mind decides to repeat this, every time that we are presented with what it sees as danger.

So, for some of us, when presented with something that our mind perceives as negative, our subconscious then provokes this reaction - and it is this reaction that could be the culprit for keeping us single.

To make this clearer, let’s talk about Michael (we’ll call him Michael). Michael is 30, and lives in the city. Michael is looking for love, but keeps ending up single. What happens is that every time Michael is faced with a woman’s emotions, he reacts to his fear, and starts to become kind of angry… Michael automatically goes into fight mode, and as much as he thinks that this is being passionate… for his partners, they often see him as aggressive.

Michael, doesn’t fully understand why he becomes so angry. He looks to blame his partner. But what’s really going on is that Michael actually fears something… and his mind simply reacts to it. And he keeps on repeating this pattern, over and over and over.

Imagine just how much easier life could be for Michael if he could understand this mindset. Not only would he be able to change and control his reaction, but he would also be able to understand his fear. This would mean better communication with his partner... And possibly a long term relationship!

And it’s not just one party's lack of understanding of this pattern that can cause confusion in a relationship. Maybe you have found yourself being on the receiving end with someone when they go into fight, flight or freeze mode?

Perhaps you know all too well what it feels like to be with someone who reacts through fleeing (flight mode). This is the person who leaves after an argument, and never picks up their phone again.

Or maybe you have dated the freeze kinda guy or girl, who just clams up when under pressure, and seems to just sit there... And stay there. This can come across as uncaring. Yet what is going on on the inside, can be a totally different story.

By working out your own reaction, when faced with fear in a relationship, whether it be fear of commitment, or fear of losing someone, you put yourself back in the driver’s seat. You are able to a) dig deep and face yourself, and b) communicate with your partner.

Sometimes, all it takes is working on your fear with a therapist, coach or maybe, and a conversation with your partner, and once you understand what’s been going wrong here, you are able to see things a lot clearer.

One thing’s for sure - fight, flight or freeze - whichever reaction suits you best, in some ways, it’s actually natural. So, figure out where you fit, and then look at evolving past that. You owe it to yourself, and your future partner, to stop letting fear get the better of you.

Christopher Paul Jones, the Breakthrough Expert, as featured on the BBC, can be found at christopherpauljones.net and is available for one-to-one consultations on Harley Street, London. 

Powerful Lessons I Learned in 2017

Pic by Hey Saturday

Happy New Year to you all! I hope you had a great night and enjoyable day however you spent it. So with 2018 now here, I thought I'd talk about some of the most powerful things I’ve learned from 2017 in the hope that you can take some value and apply in your own life.

As I mentioned before, I’m not really into resolutions and 2017 saw me play around much more with intentions. Good on anyone that makes resolutions and enjoys the process but for me, they feel too regimented, overwhelming and you can leave yourself ripe for self-sabotage as soon as you step off-track.

My intentions are much more about checking in with myself daily and asking myself how I want to FEEL. I definitely have goals, but I know I’m much more likely to achieve them if everyday I’m thinking about how I want to feel and leading with that as opposed to approaching resolutions with gritted teeth and stressing about whether I’m making enough progress and feeling bad if I don’t live up to them or see them through.

Some examples of my daily intentions have been -:

- To feel energised

- To feel alive (not literally, but truly alive)

- To feel what I'm feeling without worrying!

- To feel relaxed

- To feel creative

- To feel inspired

- To feel like I’m showing up looking a million dollars in my appearance

- To feel like I’m getting sh*t done!

- To feel like I’m offering value

- To feel flirtatious and playful (a fun one!)

So I’m definitely going to continue with this because hey, if it ain’t broke….

Next up, I learned that it does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to compare yourself to other people, whether that’s online or off. There will be so many people talking and writing about their 2017 highlights and whilst I’m ALL for celebrating the wins and best bits, it can be helpful to remember that many people choose not to put out there the moments, days or months of struggle.

People often don’t want to reveal their ugly cry moments or things that have gone wrong - they choose to keep it private (which I’m all for) and so it can help to remind yourself of this just to keep some perspective.

There was a point in 2017 where I felt like I’d lost my way a little. I found myself comparing who I was and what I was doing in life, business and love/dating/relationships to other people and it was the most stifling and stalling experience that did NOTHING for my health, relationships or work life.

Later on in the year, I chose to abandon this and get INSPIRED instead of comparing. I’ve taken multiple breaks from social media, focused on myself and the people around me who really matter (because that has been a learning too!), thought about my work and business in a way that feels good to me (and took my time with that) and gained inner confidence back.

(On a side-note, a big tip I have is to switch off your phone in the evening. Read a book that isn't on an electronic device, do something creative or just relax. 2017 was also the year I read more books than any previous year and it's been such a rewarding experience that I'd forgotten. It opens up your imagination and can make you feel like you're having a conversation with a dream mentor depending on what you're reading!)

So, 2018 is all about staying on my own path and reminding myself the only permission I need is my own. It’s about listening to my inner alert system when something feels ‘off’, checking myself on the comparison monitor and it’s about not caring what other people think so damn much or holding off things in fear of what people might do, say or think.

It's exhausting to spend your life worrying about other people’s opinions and putting them on an invisible pedestal you’ve taken precious time and energy to carve out - that they’re not even aware they’re on!

A little more superficial, but this is one that has brought me a surprising amount of joy and that’s been rediscovering my love of style, beauty and wellness. I’ve always harboured a passion for these (I used to write a fashion blog and was a fashion and beauty writer professionally at one point) but I really dove back into this in the later part of 2017. It’s made me feel even more like ‘me’ again and I’m excited to incorporate more lifestyle content into my work. (Leave a comment and let me know what kind of posts you’d like to see!). After all, healing from heartbreak, bouncing back and reinvention can work on multiple levels - there’s inner work to be done sure, but the creativity and self-care aspect of style, beauty and wellness never goes amiss either!

Personally, I know coming back to this part of me has helped me reconnect to myself even more.

A good question you can ask yourself for this year is if there's a core part of you that you’ve lost a connection with? Was there something you used to do or love that you've side-lined? Don’t undervalue how much fun and happiness it can bring you by reintroducing even just a piece of that back again.

Something else I’ve been reminded of, is that when it comes to confidence and self-esteem, the more you believe you're worthy and what you have to offer as a person is of value, the more other people will respect and respond to that accordingly. If you’re doubtful about yourself, people have a radar for it. Your dating life becomes one filled with anxiety instead of fun, people you meet don’t gravitate towards you quite so much and whatever you’re putting out into the world is tarnished with your inner doubt and therefore isn’t received as well.

Simply put, the more faith and passion you have in yourself, the more others will. The more respect you’ll get and the better results you’ll have in all areas of your life. This isn’t about ‘faking it until you make it’ (urgh) it’s about practicing it until you believe it. And it’s a constant thing - I don’t believe there’s a level of perfect, absolute confidence. 

So how do you even begin? Well, it's about doing things that make YOU feel good, not comparing yourself to others, being your own cheerleader, having faith in YOU, working at your crafts with laser focus, having boundaries, pushing your comfort zones to expand your inner knowing and being open to change - all of these are integral to cultivating confidence. It can feel scary but in my opinion, that’s a worthy trade-off!

Celebrating the good stuff in the everyday is what I want to end this post on. We’re so conditioned to focus on the bad, the struggles, the annoyances, the heartbreaks, the stresses. What I really learned in 2017 as I stripped many things away, was that when something good happens, celebrate it! I was fortunate to get some great press and opportunities before Christmas and there was a point when I might have taken this for granted.

This time though, I enjoyed it, I felt good about it, I savoured it. I’ve had some beautiful conversations with people that I truly appreciate. I’ve enjoyed experiences that at one time I might have overlooked in sight of the next best or big thing. I’m as ambitious as I ever was but I’ve truly learned the art of stepping back to appreciate and live in the moment more. This has been one of the best changes in myself that I’ve witnessed and it’s something I'll definitely be taking even more into 2018! I really do encourage you to think about how you can celebrate everyday moments more too. It’s a game-changer.

So there we have it :) I also just want to thank you all so much for all your emails, comments and support. Every time I receive one, it makes my day and I’m so looking forward to bringing much more to you in 2018. I want this year to be incredible for you – your best yet, and I’d love to know what type of posts you’d like to see more of to help with that. Do let me know in the comments!

I also have some other things in store for you but will reveal more in January ;)

Wishing you a fantastic New Year however you’re spending it. And if you are alone - know that you’re not really alone. The person you’ve spent every minute of every day of your life with is you - you are your own hero, cheerleader and soulmate so embrace that, appreciate yourself, show yourself the love that you crave and set some fun, bold and intentions that you're actually excited to live by in 2018 - because we’re all in this together and we’ve all got this!

Love,

Laura xx