Image from International Business Times
I was watching a past episode of the Bachelor (I know, I know!) last night and I noticed something happening on the dates that I think is actually, quite an accurate portrayal of what can often happen on dates in ‘real life’. And where we can self-sabotage. These things usually come as a result of not dealing with the post break-up emotional minefield.
If you’re not familiar with the Bachelor, in short; they guy dates a bunch of women and date by date whittles it down to the select few who could be the ‘one’ for him. The girl who he picks gets given a red rose and rides off into the sunset (or to a farm in Iowa) with him. Despite my description sounding slightly cynical, the show has actually had a lot of success in terms of couples going the distance and getting married.
But I digress!
So, on this one episode I watched, a few of the women going on dates with the bachelor (who seems like a decent and compassionate chap) were bringing up all kinds of things in conversation that really didn’t make for good first date material. A few of these topics including talking about their fears, feeling unlovable due to their past and their worries about getting close to someone in fear of what might happen.
(Er…you’re on the Bachelor….on TV luv?!)
Now I know these already seem like obvious things to NOT do. And the poor guy’s face on the show - well he didn’t really know how to respond in a way that was sensitive and without the air of ‘WTF, we’re on a first date?!’ Obviously, the nature and dynamic of the show is far more dramatic than a regular first or second date, but the point I’m trying to make, is that bringing up anything about insecurities and fears associated with past relationships early on is a big no no.
Have you ever had that experience when you’ve gone on a date with someone and felt like you’ve ‘known them forever’? Or that feeling has arisen in a relatively short space of time? I know I have and that’s exactly when we can let our guard down bit by bit, each time revealing all of what we feel are our flaws in the belief that this is creating deeper connection because we’re ‘opening up’.
It will in most cases, do the opposite.
This isn’t to say that you have to show up trying to be a completely different version of yourself, but bringing up the past and your insecurities and showing more of those before the best things about yourself - you’re giving the other person a reason to pull back because that’s all they’re seeing. You’re indirectly pushing them away. And even if you do lighten up for a bit of the date, that ‘deep’ conversation around the past is what your date will remember.
It’s also important to recognise that if you feel any of these things, then there’s nothing wrong with that at all. It’s just an indication that going on dates right now and getting involved with someone else probably isn’t the best way to work through them. If you are riddled with insecurities that you don’t know how to intercept (because we all have them - it’s just being able to stop them in their tracks, that’s the key), then you need to spend that time on yourself figuring out where they come from, why and how you can begin to get through them. Bringing those deeply personal things into an early interaction puts the other person who doesn’t even know you in a difficult position. And it kills attraction stone dead.
Of course, when two people get closer, it’s inevitable that their fears and insecurities are going to arise at some point. But by that time, you’ve already built up a genuine connection, know one another on a deeper level beyond dating and you’ve seen and experienced the best of each other too. Let’s face it, we all have baggage. You can’t go on dates expecting someone to be a completely untarnished, perfect human with no past. But there’s a place for it. You can never rely on someone else to swoop in and take any of that away or to heal it. They’re not there on that date to be your coach or therapist. They’re there to get to know you. And initially, get to know the best of you. It’s kind of like turning up to a job interview and immediately telling them all the ways in which you’d be wrong for the job and all the skills you don’t have. And neglecting to present to them the skills and the qualities that show you’d be great for role. Some the first things might actually be true - you might not have all the necessary skills, but you wouldn’t walk in and immediately tell them!
And you know, the conversation might get taken somewhere that relates to your past and past relationships. That often happens and you don’t have to lie about anything. It’s just the way you frame it. If your last relationship left you emotionally shattered and a question comes up about your ex or the relationship that you don’t really know how to answer in a way that doesn’t bring up all the gory details. Well, you just phrase it in such a way that the relationship ‘didn’t work out but that you learnt a lot and what you’re focused on as a result of it is enjoying life right now and the future’. Even if you are still healing from that, the fact that you’re able to recognise that it’s not the way forwards bringing that into this present interaction shows that you’ve got it handled. On the other hand if you delve right into it, revealing that it ‘hurt you deeply, it’s the reason why you’ve found dating or meeting someone else so hard and it’s left you with a ton of insecurities and that you’re really just an absolute train wreck hahaha’, well that’s not such a good response. The first one still shows the ability to show vulnerability but it’s positive, assertive and forward focused. You’ve demonstrated you’re only human but that you’ve got your s**t handled (or handling it). And that’s attractive. Being overly transparent too soon isn’t.
I was on a first date recently and the guy brought up something about his ex. I clocked that this could go into unnecessary territory and so didn’t ask any more questions about that situation specifically so not to steer the conversation that way. Instead I acknowledged what he said, but brought it back to the now to keep the positive flow going. And sometimes I even have to check myself if (usually after a prosecco too many), I’m tempted to jump back into the past. I feel myself starting to ‘go there’ and have a quick word with myself internally to make sure the conversation stays fun, upbeat and positive. (Maybe I’ll talk more about that in another post!)
So don’t do what some of the girls do on the Bachelor! You want to be bringing your best self to first dates 
There’s a time and place to deal with the other stuff.
Hope you all have a great week ahead!
Laura x
Image source https://www.flickr.com/photos/manarianz5/
Break-ups are rough for anyone to go through, but I recently saw an article about a study (yes, we’re going all scientific!) that has shown how your personality type impacts how resilient you are when it comes to getting over a break-up. And more importantly, how it then influences your future attitudes to yourself, rejection and relationships.
This makes a lot of sense, as I’m sure we all know those people who just seem to be able to handle everything that life throws at them with a bit more ease - including break-ups. Why are we in so much pain but they can seem to get over it way quicker and thrive afterwards?
Well, seeing it in this kind of study will hopefully enable anyone who feels that way to know that the way they perceive things can have a huge effect in how they can come through a break-up.
So, here comes the science bit! The Stanford University psychologists found that how you handle your break-up is most largely influenced by how you explain the break-up to yourself. And those who connect the break-up to qualities and characteristics they have that they feel are permanent, experience a much harder time coming through it and bouncing back.
When it comes to emotional resilience, I think this is largely about taking responsibility for yourself and your actions (even if you feel you did come out of it worse). This is all about setting those boundaries and doing the work on yourself after a break-up, and secondly, knowing that your personalities or actions are all malleable. If you go through life believing that your relationship failures are as a sole result of your own shortcomings, bad behaviours or inadequacy in some way, then the future looks pretty bleak when it comes to relationships! And life in general, actually.
Part of why we can struggle so much as that we believe things happen to us and that we can’t control them simply because of how we are. This is where the victim mentality can creep in and that can become quite insidious. I had an ex who repeated the same patterns in relationships and put it down to ‘because that’s the way I am’. Because he believed that, get kept getting the same outcomes.
On the other hand, people who can take the break-up as something to learn from and evolve through (even if that means having a word with yourself, owning up to bad behaviour and committing to change it), tend to heal much quicker, intercept those old patterns and then consequently make better or different choices in future relationships or romantic interactions. And that’s really what I try and help people to do I suppose - take a step out of the emotional attachment for a while, look at your beliefs, how you internalise ‘rejection’, your behaviours, reoccurring patterns and break them down to change the things that aren’t working bit by bit.
It was something I had to learn to do and was the best thing I ever did.
I think this is actually really encouraging because hopefully if you do feel that your break-up or a romantic rejection of some kind is something that was purely down to your ‘flaws’, when you know and understand that these things can be changed, it can make the future seem a lot brighter! It might sound a bit self-helpy to go on about the importance of your internal conversations that you have with yourself but it’s the basis of everything!
Here is the link to the study if you’re curious http://psp.sagepub.com/content/42/1/54.abstract
Would love to hear your thoughts on this!
Picture taken by Hey Saturday
If I think about the amount of time I’ve spent thinking about exes during my most significant break-ups, I’d dread to know how many days and hours that actually adds up to. I also know that one of the most painful things about break-ups is getting so totally consumed by our ex. What they’re doing, why they haven’t called/text, who they’re out with tonight, what we could have done differently, what they should have done differently. All of those things and more. I’m sure you know what I mean.
And of course, there’s the pain of missing them. Even if we’re in a situation where we know they treated us like crap, it doesn’t lessen the pain or stop them from running around in our heads, taking up every inch of mind-space on a 24/7 basis. It’s exhausting but we can’t seem to make it stop.
But what I found in my own experience and what I’ve found by coaching people through this stuff is this: you might not be able to stop thinking about your ex, and the pain and heartache might be unbearable BUT there are things you can do WHEN you decide to be ok with the fact that this IS temporary. And the longer you stay where you are in the same mindset, the longer it will take for that pain to subside.
Here are a few things that I know can really help.
Don’t fight it
I’m betting that part of why it feels so unbearable now is because you’re desperate to not feel so terrible. So the dwelling and obsession is almost like a distraction from admitting to yourself that you feel bad. We never fight the good feelings. But bad feelings are just as valid and you can’t really have one without the other. So just allow yourself to feel bad and accept it. When you accept it, you’re able to move through it MUCH quicker. Sometimes I try and remind myself that good and bad feelings don’t require me to put such a contrast on them as it then makes the ‘bad’ stuff seem even worse. Feelings just are what they are and right now, you just need to accept the more uncomfortable ones and trust they will pass.
Change your environment, habits and routine
Keeping things exactly the same as when you were with your ex isn’t going to help you get over him/her. It will only remind you of what you feel you lack now they’re gone. So switch up your space and create it into something that makes you feel brighter. Clear clutter. Get new furniture or a few fresh bits and change things around so that when you wake up and when you come home, it represents something different. Visit new places, walk or drive a different way to work, start your day differently and end it differently. This helped me so much during my last break-up and it’s something I do when I want to shake things up in my life in general. It’s a bit like starting a new chapter. (I feel like I’ve used the words ‘new’ and ‘different’ a million times here but they’re very important! )
Write down the possibilities
Ok, right now it might seem like the.most.impossible.thing.ever to imagine being without your ex and you feeling good, happy and able to get on with your life with ease. But the imagination is an amazing thing and instead of ruminating over your ex (which is also your imagination at work), use it for something positive that’s going to shift you forwards. So, brainstorm what the possibilities of being without them are. What can you do now, what opportunities does it give you? Write them all down. Even if you don’t feel like you could see any of them through, it’s amazing what forcing yourself to change perspective can do. It can help create that glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel that you’re desperate to see but can’t.
Look at what history has already shown you
Think back to the times where you were in a place that you’d never though you’d get past. Other break-ups, losses or just hard times that left you feeling in pieces. You got through those. So work out what you did and do the same things (or same sorts of things) again. For me, it’s setting new challenges, finding ways to work out that I enjoy, being around inspiring, fun people and knowing it’s ok to feel crap instead of fighting it, like I mentioned in the first point.
Set some kind of goal or challenge - for you
Do something for you even if it’s the last thing that you feel like doing. Motion creates emotion and doing something positive that makes you feel like you’re accomplishing a goal that’s all yours and in no way associated with your ex signifies a new chapter and ignites renewed feelings. It also gives you something consistent to focus on where you will get to see results. Many people I work with totally surprise themselves what they’re capable of when they do this, or the opportunities that start to appear and it’s incredibly empowering for them.
Go on a social media sabbatical
This is a big one that I cover in my program (coming soon!). Eliminate all those things online that will expose you to your ex and what they’re doing. It’s not helpful looking at them on social media. It’s a bit like going cold turkey as you might have been stalking looking at their Facebook page as a crutch but be honest, does it ever help you to move forwards doing that? Does it make you feel better? Probably not. (It’s a bit like the high of drinking too much and then the low of a hangover.) We can also use the online world in general as such a distraction from feelings of discomfort. We feel shitty and before we know it we’ve spent 20 minutes scrolling on instagram looking at people we don’t even know, whose pictures aren’t even a true representation of their real lives. This form of numbing what we’re feeling via digital outlets does nothing for the soul so I am a real strong believer that getting outside in the real world, amongst real people is one of the best ways to move forwards.
And if you are going to turn to an outlet that isn’t outside in the real world, make it something where you’re learning. There’s nothing wrong with immersing yourself in a book that feeds your imagination in a good way or learning something that inspires you. There’s something about learning that really makes you feel like you’re taking responsibility for yourself instead of being passive, which is what dwelling over your ex and things from the past that you can’t change, essentially is.
I hope you find these helpful. And if so, I have a course coming out very soon, which is going to guide you right though your break-up. Make sure to get on my list if you’re interested as it won’t be long until that’s launched!
Have a great weekend my friends and as always, reach out to me on [email protected] if you would like to. I’m also now on snapchat sharing snippets of advice and bits of my life! Find me there at laurayatesuk and snap me!
Laura xx
