break ups

How to get through Valentine’s Day after a Breakup

February 14, 2016

Image courtesy of quotesgiant.com

Hey guys! Happy Valentine’s Day! Given that today is the ‘official’ day of love and all of that, I thought a quick post would be a nice idea.

I’m curious to know - what are your thoughts on Valentine’s Day? Personally I’m in no way ‘anti-Valentine’s’ and I certainly don’t feel the void of it being single. I’ve also never completely bought into it when I have been in a relationship, though ridiculing the cards, roses and cliché element of it hasn’t been a thing for me either. It is a nice opportunity to show your partner you love them, even if it is a bit commercialised. Whatever, it’s about what makes you feel good, even if that does line the pockets of Hallmark and Prezzo with their V Day specials 😉

But I do understand that if you’ve gone through a break-up recently, Valentine’s can be somewhat of a kicker and a reminder of what you don’t have anymore. I was going on a walk this morning as part of dedicating today to a bunch of things that make me feel good, aside from a big smile and hello from an absolute hottie (boom!), I was thinking about how easy it is to only notice the things we don’t have. When you’re in that frame of mind about ruminating over the past and how Valentine’s Day was before the break-up, what you spot in the outside world only seems to highlight what you feel you don’t have now.

Everywhere I went today, couples were brunching, hand in hand, gazing adoringly at each other and so on. Except, this could actually be any Sunday and for all the ones that were loved up, there were just as many couples who clearly, were mighty pi**ed off with each other following one of them getting drunk and inappropriate last night, groups of single girls/guys having coffee or breakfast together and people on their own going about their day not feeling crap about it being Valentine’s Day.

So if you are struggling, it’s about shifting your perception. Yesterday my friend and I swapped cute little gifts for Valentine’s. She’s with someone, I’m single, but it was a chance to show our love for each other and the friendship we have. It was kind of all tongue in cheek but still a genuine way to show each other we care. Afterwards, I spent the day with my dad and I can honestly say it was the best way to spend Valentine’s weekend because my dad is awesome, I love him, we have such a laugh together and all in all, it was a great day.

That said, what I have come to realise is that I would like to be spending Valentine’s Day with someone. No, not in a way that I’m sad about it, but just as a ‘nice to have’. My workload with the podcast, the online course I’m launching and a few other things has meant that proactively dating has been put on the back burner somewhat, but today has made me realise that soon, I do want to give it much more attention, which will mean a bit more commitment to it! So if you are feeling the void today, then look at it as an opportunity to reassess what you’re doing to actually get out there and meet people. There is absolutely nothing wrong with using today to reinforce that you want to find a relationship and someone special! And if it’s more about getting over the void of your ex not being around, then use today as a chance to show yourself some love or to those who you do have around you.

Bit of a short and sweet one today but I don’t think it’s necessary to make a huge thing of Valentine’s. Make it what you will and use it as an opportunity whatever situation you might be in right now. Here’s a snapchat of my Valentine’s Day ramblings - you can catch me at laurayatesuk on there 🙂

Laura x

How your Personality Type Impacts your Break-up

January 28, 2016

Image source https://www.flickr.com/photos/manarianz5/

Break-ups are rough for anyone to go through, but I recently saw an article about a study (yes, we’re going all scientific!) that has shown how your personality type impacts how resilient you are when it comes to getting over a break-up. And more importantly, how it then influences your future attitudes to yourself, rejection and relationships.

This makes a lot of sense, as I’m sure we all know those people who just seem to be able to handle everything that life throws at them with a bit more ease - including break-ups. Why are we in so much pain but they can seem to get over it way quicker and thrive afterwards?

Well, seeing it in this kind of study will hopefully enable anyone who feels that way to know that the way they perceive things can have a huge effect in how they can come through a break-up.

So, here comes the science bit! The Stanford University psychologists found that how you handle your break-up is most largely influenced by how you explain the break-up to yourself. And those who connect the break-up to qualities and characteristics they have that they feel are permanent, experience a much harder time coming through it and bouncing back.

When it comes to emotional resilience, I think this is largely about taking responsibility for yourself and your actions (even if you feel you did come out of it worse). This is all about setting those boundaries and doing the work on yourself after a break-up, and secondly, knowing that your personalities or actions are all malleable. If you go through life believing that your relationship failures are as a sole result of your own shortcomings, bad behaviours or inadequacy in some way, then the future looks pretty bleak when it comes to relationships! And life in general, actually.

Part of why we can struggle so much as that we believe things happen to us and that we can’t control them simply because of how we are. This is where the victim mentality can creep in and that can become quite insidious. I had an ex who repeated the same patterns in relationships and put it down to ‘because that’s the way I am’. Because he believed that, get kept getting the same outcomes.

On the other hand, people who can take the break-up as something to learn from and evolve through (even if that means having a word with yourself, owning up to bad behaviour and committing to change it), tend to heal much quicker, intercept those old patterns and then consequently make better or different choices in future relationships or romantic interactions. And that’s really what I try and help people to do I suppose - take a step out of the emotional attachment for a while, look at your beliefs, how you internalise ‘rejection’, your behaviours, reoccurring patterns and break them down to change the things that aren’t working bit by bit.

It was something I had to learn to do and was the best thing I ever did.

I think this is actually really encouraging because hopefully if you do feel that your break-up or a romantic rejection of some kind is something that was purely down to your ‘flaws’, when you know and understand that these things can be changed, it can make the future seem a lot brighter! It might sound a bit self-helpy to go on about the importance of your internal conversations that you have with yourself but it’s the basis of everything!

Here is the link to the study if you’re curious http://psp.sagepub.com/content/42/1/54.abstract

Would love to hear your thoughts on this!

How to get Over your Ex? Do these things

January 22, 2016

Picture taken by Hey Saturday

If I think about the amount of time I’ve spent thinking about exes during my most significant break-ups, I’d dread to know how many days and hours that actually adds up to. I also know that one of the most painful things about break-ups is getting so totally consumed by our ex. What they’re doing, why they haven’t called/text, who they’re out with tonight, what we could have done differently, what they should have done differently. All of those things and more. I’m sure you know what I mean.

And of course, there’s the pain of missing them. Even if we’re in a situation where we know they treated us like crap, it doesn’t lessen the pain or stop them from running around in our heads, taking up every inch of mind-space on a 24/7 basis. It’s exhausting but we can’t seem to make it stop.

But what I found in my own experience and what I’ve found by coaching people through this stuff is this: you might not be able to stop thinking about your ex, and the pain and heartache might be unbearable BUT there are things you can do WHEN you decide to be ok with the fact that this IS temporary. And the longer you stay where you are in the same mindset, the longer it will take for that pain to subside.

Here are a few things that I know can really help.

Don’t fight it

I’m betting that part of why it feels so unbearable now is because you’re desperate to not feel so terrible. So the dwelling and obsession is almost like a distraction from admitting to yourself that you feel bad. We never fight the good feelings. But bad feelings are just as valid and you can’t really have one without the other. So just allow yourself to feel bad and accept it. When you accept it, you’re able to move through it MUCH quicker. Sometimes I try and remind myself that good and bad feelings don’t require me to put such a contrast on them as it then makes the ‘bad’ stuff seem even worse. Feelings just are what they are and right now, you just need to accept the more uncomfortable ones and trust they will pass.

Change your environment, habits and routine

Keeping things exactly the same as when you were with your ex isn’t going to help you get over him/her. It will only remind you of what you feel you lack now they’re gone. So switch up your space and create it into something that makes you feel brighter. Clear clutter. Get new furniture or a few fresh bits and change things around so that when you wake up and when you come home, it represents something different. Visit new places, walk or drive a different way to work, start your day differently and end it differently. This helped me so much during my last break-up and it’s something I do when I want to shake things up in my life in general. It’s a bit like starting a new chapter. (I feel like I’ve used the words ‘new’ and ‘different’ a million times here but they’re very important! 🙂 )

Write down the possibilities

Ok, right now it might seem like the.most.impossible.thing.ever to imagine being without your ex and you feeling good, happy and able to get on with your life with ease. But the imagination is an amazing thing and instead of ruminating over your ex (which is also your imagination at work), use it for something positive that’s going to shift you forwards. So, brainstorm what the possibilities of being without them are. What can you do now, what opportunities does it give you? Write them all down. Even if you don’t feel like you could see any of them through, it’s amazing what forcing yourself to change perspective can do. It can help create that glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel that you’re desperate to see but can’t.

Look at what history has already shown you

Think back to the times where you were in a place that you’d never though you’d get past. Other break-ups, losses or just hard times that left you feeling in pieces. You got through those. So work out what you did and do the same things (or same sorts of things) again. For me, it’s setting new challenges, finding ways to work out that I enjoy, being around inspiring, fun people and knowing it’s ok to feel crap instead of fighting it, like I mentioned in the first point.

Set some kind of goal or challenge - for you

Do something for you even if it’s the last thing that you feel like doing. Motion creates emotion and doing something positive that makes you feel like you’re accomplishing a goal that’s all yours and in no way associated with your ex signifies a new chapter and ignites renewed feelings. It also gives you something consistent to focus on where you will get to see results. Many people I work with totally surprise themselves what they’re capable of when they do this, or the opportunities that start to appear and it’s incredibly empowering for them.

Go on a social media sabbatical

This is a big one that I cover in my program (coming soon!). Eliminate all those things online that will expose you to your ex and what they’re doing. It’s not helpful looking at them on social media. It’s a bit like going cold turkey as you might have been ~~stalking~~ looking at their Facebook page as a crutch but be honest, does it ever help you to move forwards doing that? Does it make you feel better? Probably not. (It’s a bit like the high of drinking too much and then the low of a hangover.) We can also use the online world in general as such a distraction from feelings of discomfort. We feel shitty and before we know it we’ve spent 20 minutes scrolling on instagram looking at people we don’t even know, whose pictures aren’t even a true representation of their real lives. This form of numbing what we’re feeling via digital outlets does nothing for the soul so I am a real strong believer that getting outside in the real world, amongst real people is one of the best ways to move forwards.

And if you are going to turn to an outlet that isn’t outside in the real world, make it something where you’re learning. There’s nothing wrong with immersing yourself in a book that feeds your imagination in a good way or learning something that inspires you. There’s something about learning that really makes you feel like you’re taking responsibility for yourself instead of being passive, which is what dwelling over your ex and things from the past that you can’t change, essentially is.

I hope you find these helpful. And if so, I have a course coming out very soon, which is going to guide you right though your break-up. Make sure to get on my list if you’re interested as it won’t be long until that’s launched!

Have a great weekend my friends and as always, reach out to me on contact@laurayates.org if you would like to. I’m also now on snapchat sharing snippets of advice and bits of my life! Find me there at laurayatesuk and snap me!

Laura xx

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