I have to admit, I’ve always been dubious about posting an article on ‘Signs he/she is Cheating’. I find it to be quite negative, unhelpful and can lead people down a path of anxiety, obsession and over analysing everything their partner (or ex) does. However, after an in-depth chat with Reveal Private Investigators, who essentially help clients find out if their partner is doing the dirty (they do much more too of course), I found their approach to be very reassuring. (Especially the last part in this post about ultimately trusting your own instincts on this – so important!)
They have given me some top tips on what to look out for. They not only highlight the telltale signs of cheating but also where people can often overreact.
I hope you find this helpful – it was definitely interesting for me to find out exactly what goes on behind the scenes of a private investigator! Just to also add in that most of their clients are women so it’s mostly written from that perspective, but these points can be adapted from a male perspective too.
‘We specialise in investigating the behavior of unfaithful or cheating partners and matrimonial issues so we speak to people from all walks of life and many different scenarios when it comes to the levels of suspicion. Some people show clear signs of paranoia and are convinced he’s cheating because the barmaid in a hotel caught his eye once 5 years ago. Others have seen messages from other women on their partner’s phone and can’t get them to admit it, so they need our help.
We basically speak to women who are either being cheated on or suspect they are being cheated on every day and we follow it up by investigating those accusations and uncovering the truth. So, we are pretty good at differentiating between signs a man is actually cheating and random facts that have led a woman to believe her man is cheating!
Here are 10 signs we hear most often and our experience of what they really mean -:
1) The Phone. When you’ve got two WhatsApp groups pinging and a group message with the lads from work, it can be difficult to ignore your phone. They might seem glued to it and it could easily be completely harmless - so you might think that gives you the right to see it. But if he asked to see your phone just after one of your single friends had put a screenshot of a late night message she got from some guy in a bar you probably wouldn’t be too keen to share it either! We all deserve some privacy so not sharing passwords is definitely not something to be concerned about. From our experience, we find that the people who are genuinely trying to hide who they are communicating with tend to become very defensive over their phone. They will make excuses like listening to music in the shower or needing to use the phone in private – a biggie to watch out for. These tend to be the signs that he is using his phone for more than a touch of banter.
2) They start going to the gym. Healthy living is popular so taking up a gym routine isn’t abnormal and it can be due to hundreds of other factors outside of impressing other women. The reason for returning to the gym could genuinely be to put some more effort into their physical appearance. That doesn’t have to be for you or anybody else! That said, we have followed men straight to other women’s houses and to bars/restaurants while they are supposedly at the gym so it can make a great cover story, but there are fairly simple indicators that should tell you whether he’s lying or not. Look for simple things like a gym kit; does he seem sweaty or has he got a sweaty gym kit in a bag? If he’s consistently spending 3-4 hours in the gym (a bit excessive!) you may want to consider this. Remember though, changes don’t happen overnight so don’t assume he is cheating because he’s been to the gym most nights for 2 weeks and doesn’t resemble a Men’s Fitness cover model yet!
3) Overtime. It might be by choice that he has taken on more overtime or compulsory. In either situation you need to remember that all companies have busy periods and deadlines to meet and it’s not always optional. Using your head can get you a long way when it comes to overtime. If your husband/boyfriend has a demanding job, then it’s very likely he will at times have an increased workload and won’t have any other choice than to take up overtime. Whereas if he’s a lifeguard at a leisure centre, there are probably limited times that he could be required to work, even if it was busier than usual. Use your common sense on this one.
4) Friend of a friend. Here’s a scenario; after a stag do 3 months ago your man became friends with one of the stag’s mates. He doesn’t live nearby, they don’t work together and you don’t have any mutual friends. When he says he is going out with this new pal on Friday night, you know you’re going to have to take it as gospel. The “friend of a friend” is often a very easy excuse because he knows that you can’t cross-examine his friend and you can’t ask too many questions because you don’t know them. That said, it’s not a FACT that going out with the friend of a friend means he is cheating. We tend to find the giveaway signs are trying to be deliberately vague with details and doing anything possible to avoid speaking about the night or the event. Usually you would expect somebody to share some stories about their night so it’s the quick change of subject when asked that we find is the best indicator.
5) Working away. This is probably the most cliché of all the telltale signs we hear. Millions of people travel up and down the country for a variety of work related reasons. Some for attending meetings and others have skills that mean they have to work away. Our investigations have seen people using the ‘working away’ excuse to drive 15 minutes down the road and stay at another woman’s house, only to find out the man had children with her and was essentially living a ‘double life’! On the other hand, they have also seen an awful lot of men staying in hotels in other cities because their job starts at 8am and they need to be mentally and physically on point. Signs to look out for are things like packing a favourite shirt when he’s supposed to be doing a job that doesn’t require a smart shirt or insisting he’ll do his own washing when he gets home (when usually they would never usually go near the washing machine!)
6) He doesn’t pay you attention anymore. This is probably the most subjective and unreliable sign that a man is cheating. The actual reason behind this could be one of a million things. Relationships can change and people do become complacent, lazy and comfortable. We would encourage you not to use this as a sole indicator that he is cheating. Understandably though, if this is being exhibited alongside a few other signs then you should consider talking it out with him and being upfront about how you feel.
7) Lack of sexual appetite. This one is something many of our customers hint at but won’t openly say it until they feel comfortable enough to discuss the fact they haven’t had sex for 6 months. If your partner has always had a low sex drive then you would be irrational to think that this is down to him getting his thrills elsewhere. Even seeing a drastic reduction could be put down to a number of things. The spark may have faded and this kind of change is also a very common side effect of stress and depression, so try not to jump to conclusions. Of all the accusations we hear, this one has probably been the least successful indicator that you have a cheating partner.
8) Aggressively switches accusation back at you. The easiest way to defend against accusations is to react with counter-accusations so it’s very common for somebody who is cheating to become aggressive when accused of something. Although this issue isn’t something we can really investigate, many of our female clients that actually have cheating partners tell us whenever they try to ask questions about their behavior, their partners make ridiculous claims that they once did something similar and have no right to point fingers. The other common response is “you’re just paranoid or you’re losing the plot, stop looking for things that aren’t there”.
This aggression isn’t necessarily displaying how angry they are but more a distraction tactic to stop you from probing.
9) Offering zero detail about nights out or activities. Some couples share every detail whereas others don’t. When men start to cheat however, they can often feel pressure when talking about the cover story or the time that it happened, so they avoid talking about it completely. You would expect to have a chat about a night out even if it was just general chitchat about enjoying themselves or not. If they don’t want to give details or they seem reluctant to talk about it that could be an indicator that their story won’t match up with the one you have been told. Not speaking about a one-off event could be down to being too drunk or actually having a bad night, but when we see this kind of behavior become the norm it raises suspicion.
10) When away they are unreachable after certain time. If your partner works away a lot and consistently has an excuse why he is unreachable after a certain time, this can be a red flag. After years of experience working with investigations of this nature we can confidently say this is the signal we take the most seriously. Some hotels may have poor reception and we all forget our chargers from time to time. But if your partner always seems to have an excuse for why he can’t be contacted after a certain time, it’s probably because he is doing something he doesn’t want you knowing about. Some provide elaborate excuses every time and others try to use the excuse that they need to get to bed at 7PM because they have an early start. This is usually accompanied by what we call the ‘check-in’ - the phone call you get early evening where they explain the reason you shouldn’t phone them for the rest of the evening.
Our experience has shown us that any of these issues in isolation could be attributed to a million different factors but a combination of them is much more likely to be a good indicator. Everybody is different and these indicators may be in your partner’s nature. However changes in behavior - especially drastic changes, are things you should be wary of.
Ultimately, trust your gut. It doesn’t mater if it’s 1 or 3 things on the list and there could be other signs too. If you know that it’s true then trust your instinct because most of us find it comforting to ignore the signs. If you have tried speaking to your partner about the issue/s and still can’t get to the bottom of it or get the doubts out of your mind then don’t feel asking for help is weird or that you are the only one going through these things.’
Many thanks for this informative piece from Reveal Private Investigators! If you are interested in getting in touch with them, please contact http://revealpi.com/.