I always get so many questions about how to break the ice when it comes to dating. Not only dating actually, in everyday social situations too. As someone who is a) shy and b) mostly an introvert, this type of communication skill is something that I’ve had to learn over time and completely understand the anxiety that can come along with the challenge of not knowing what to say!
Ok, so dating. First of all, let yourself off the hook if you’re stressing out about not knowing what to say! In dating scenarios, it’s a given that there is likely to be an air of awkwardness and both people will be experiencing some kind of nerves. So don’t feel you have to be the one entertaining your date with your wit, charm and sophisticated choice of conversation! Ultimately, a date is 2 people getting to know each other.
Before you even go on dates, you want to be thinking about what defines you as a person. What are you bringing to the table when it comes to meeting someone for the first time? What do you want to share about yourself? What are your hobbies, interests, passions, favourite places you’ve travelled, your goals? These are all really good talking points to turn to throughout the date, and topics you can also ask your date about.
Humour is also a very effective way to break the ice, and as long as it isn’t offensive (!), it will immediately put the person you’re with at ease. Laughing is the best way to banish any sense of awkwardness. The key with this though is to not try too hard to be funny as that will have the er…opposite effect! Just be natural.
If you really don’t know what to say, just call it out! Tell your date you’re a little nervous and that you find the situation a touch awkward. The key to getting this right is to do it with some confidence. You don’t want your date thinking you’re going to completely fall to pieces, but more that you’re just ok with admitting you’re nervous. This is why it’s so important that, when you commit to dating, you have a really solid sense of self and you can fuse your vulnerabilities (which we all have!) with confidence. That is an instant connector.
Something fun you could also do is have a list of 3 unusual questions that might initially sound quite random, but will get your date to reveal more about their personality immediately. Some examples include ‘Have you ever met one of your heroes in person?’ ‘What film character are you most like?’ etc and get your date to ask you 3 more questions too. This then completely shakes up the ‘interview’ style date, which can be repetitive and a huge buzzkill!
Another tip is to go armed with a few stories about yourself that you can work into the conversation. Stories that are funny, engaging or have meaning are the most effective. Examples could be a monumental travel experience, something unusual/funny that happened to you recently or something you did/saw that was out of the ordinary or created an impact on you. Stories you’ve shared before that have received a good response will be handy ones to keep in mind!
Finally, when it comes to dating and social situations, we completely underestimate how important listening is in breaking the ice. We often feel that to be interesting, we have to be the one talking and ‘entertaining’. When you properly listen to what people are telling you in conversation, you’ll ask less surface style questions, and they will notice this! People who have mastered the art of listening are regarded as more charismatic, and instantly make others feel far more comfortable and special in their presence.
To bust right through first date awkwardness, I’ve helped out Match on their upcoming Datemaster Bus campaign, which sounds like SO much fun. Over 3 days the Datemaster Bus offer singles a place to speed date on their way to work. The idea is to give single Londoners, who may otherwise feel too busy to meet new people, the opportunity to date during their morning commute.
The bus departs from different location across London and terminates in central London, ensuring you make your 9.30am meeting.
I’ve provided a few tips and icebreaker questions for the Datemaster Bus, so I’m excited to hear what feedback the event gets 🙂 I think this is such a great idea as firstly, it’s a really fun twist on speed dating and also it’s not in a bar situation where we can so often rely on alcohol to create connection. You’re seeing people in the true light of day and I think it will offer the people taking a part a far more realistic picture of the people they meet. The games Match have put together are designed to be fun but also create connections in a short space of time.
If you’re in London, single and keen to get involved, you can sign up here https://uk.match.com/pages/advice/datemaster/.
It sounds like huge fun and I think it will be a really interesting dating experiment!
This is a sponsored post
I’m a big fan of podcasts and a few months back I was listening to The Art of Charm and heard an interview with Ted Ryce. His story blew me away and so when I discovered that he’d launched his own personal development, dating, health and fitness podcast called The Man Project I was really glad I could hear more from him.
Ted and I connected on Twitter and he was interested to hear that I work with a lot of men so we jumped on Skype to have a chat. Ted’s show is crafted for men (but don’t let that put you off any ladies reading this - listening or watching any material that caters to men is a great way to understand how their minds work! Plus there’s loads of tips and insights that apply to men and women in too, actually) and after hearing more about what I do, he kindly invited me as a guest on his show.
The episode has just been released and you can have a listen here -:
We talk about how to move on after a break-up, how to approach dating, how to deal with your emotions and how to improve your current relationship to avoid a break-up.
I had a great time recording this with Ted, his own journey has been incredible and his podcast The Man Project is one I thoroughly recommend to guys who are looking to improve all elements of their life be it dating, health and fitness, personal development or confidence. So make sure you go and check it out. It’s straight talking, no fluff whilst being compassionate and will really help you take action on things you want to change. Ted also does YouTube videos and you can see his channel here.
(Oh, just to mention that it was recorded back in October and sadly, I didn’t win the award I was nominated for as spoken about in the episode but ahem, we’ll let that one slide ;))
Thanks so much Ted for having me on the show!
If you do fancy a listen, I hope you enjoy it and find it useful!
Image courtesy of http://www.innergladiator.com
I’ve tried many things over the years to become more confident. Someone recently said to me that I have the ‘bullshit factor’. This took me aback a little for obvious reasons! Then she went on to say that I come across as very confident but underneath, there’s a layer of vulnerability. I think that’s true and I think, very natural given that I’m also a shy and sensitive person.
I spent many years pondering how I could be more confident. Confidence covers so many areas - we can be professionally confident but a complete mess when it comes to social confidence for example. For me, overall confidence has been more about finding self-acceptance. When you have that, even if you aren’t even 50% confident in something else, it makes dealing with it a whole lot easier.
Right now at nearly 32, I’m probably feeling at my most confident - or self-assured, which is possibly due to age and I also think due to many things I’ve learned about confidence. There’s no cheat sheet or life hack to becoming more confident though. I don’t want to say it takes ‘work’, it’s actually more about learning, growing and observing. I can go from one end of the confidence scale to the other in a heartbeat depending on many factors. You have to notice what you do in one situation compared to another. And of course, there are things you can do to build your confidence too.
Here are 3 things I’ve learned -:
- Some people I can meet instantly and feel like I can just be myself around them. I feel confident. Others I go to pieces, I become socially awkward, can’t make eye contact, can’t even speak properly sometimes! Why does this happen? Well usually it’s because as people, we feel most comfortable around people who are like us. The people who we feel at ease with are probably the people we should be spending the most time around. Obviously you can’t choose who you interact with on a day-to-day basis and there are many people who I also feel intimidated around. Even people I know quite well sometimes! So I think about why I feel that way. Is it because I admire them? If so, that’s a positive thing and it’s therefore easier to think of ways to be more confident around them, which is mostly about being mentally prepared and being very aware of things such as maintaining eye contact and keeping open body language. And also, letting go a little around them. Some people just have big personalities and as someone who is naturally shy, that can be overwhelming. Once you acknowledge that you lack confidence around specific people, or types of people, instead of it just happening, falling to pieces and then forgetting about it until the next time, if you observe why all these things happened, you’ll probably realise that there are different ways you can choose to behave around them and different conversations you can make with them. Be prepared. And also, acknowledge that it’s mostly your own mind chatter that’s making you feel that way! It’s likely that you’re falling into the comparison trap, which can be so easy and a serious confidence killer – especially when we’re around people we look up to. Again, it’s about noticing how you feel, relaxing and thinking of better ways you can interact with them. It’s also important to remember that feeling more comfortable and therefore confident around some people and not others is very natural!
- Constantly push yourself. There’s that saying that you should do something every day that scares you and I think it’s a good one to live by. If there’s something that you’re not confident with, challenge yourself little by little to do more of it. Or just do something that scares you a tiny bit, even if it isn’t directly related to what you want be more confident in. The act of pushing small boundaries will make you see that you can get yourself out of your comfort zone, which will equal greater confidence in yourself all round!
- Get good at what you want to be confident in. For me a big one is public speaking. I think this is one that many people lack confidence in. I’ve actually never done a public speaking gig and it’s something I passionately want to do - but the thought terrifies me! Although I know I have something valuable and meaningful to say, the idea of just getting up there and doing it, I instinctively know will not be the way for me to tackle it. I’ll probably need to get lessons, practice to friends, practice 1000s of times over and be very prepared! At least until I get into my groove with it! But even though I know I’ll still lack confidence when I get up in front of people, if I’m prepared, that will be half the battle. People who give amazing talks and who seem naturally confident in their ability to do so probably put a look of work into honing that craft! So when it comes to confidence in a skill, that type of confidence can definitely be learned.
- Go easy on yourself. This is the most important lesson I’ve learned. Going back to the self-acceptance side of confidence now, I spent most of my twenties really not liking myself much at all and so my confidence was rock bottom. I really had to spend a lot of time rebuilding the essence of who I was. I wasn’t confident because I didn’t know who I was. The confidence I have now really comes from taking care of myself, doing the things I love to do, making the leap to do what I love when it comes to my career, spending time with people who have my best interests at heart, not worrying so much about what other people think, challenging myself in the most positive ways possible and taking responsibility for myself. Oh yeah, and having fun! Being silly! All of these self-nurturing habits make me feel good and when I feel good I feel like ‘me’ and when I can be me, I feel at my most confident. Even if I’m not the loudest person in the room that doesn’t matter because confidence is really, an inner self-acceptance. And even that layer of vulnerability isn’t a bad thing because it just makes me - me. I’m sensitive and also, vulnerability makes us human and helps us grow. I think we all have to wear many hats and with that comes having to ‘put on’ confidence in some situations. And that’s fine, it’s normal. But ultimately, I think that having that real authentic inner confidence is the foundation of what we need to be able to build all the other parts of confidence that can be applied to other situations.
Confidence is an ongoing process. The more we learn about ourselves, the more experiences we have, the more we interact with different types of people…the more you can throw yourself into these situations and scenarios the more you’ll learn about where and when you feel most confident. But it all starts with taking care of you. Nurture yourself, take time to acknowledge all the amazing qualities and strengths about you and what you have to offer. Be good to yourself, sleep well, eat well and have fun. Know who you are, what you want and surround yourself with people who make you feel incredible.
So they are just a few of my thoughts I have on the topic of confidence. There are plenty more, which I’ll delve into more in future posts! I’d love to hear what you feel about confidence and any tips that you have?
xx
