When I went through my last breakup, I knew it needed to end a lot sooner than what it did. I knew that my boundaries were almost non existent, that I was over compromising and that I was spending way, waaaay too many hours agonising over trying to ‘decode’ what what going on in his head and why he would do the things he did. I was placing all my emotional energy on him instead of where I needed to truly focus it; on me.
I knew deep down that I needed to end the relationship. But I ignored it. I ignored the feelings, the subtle but intentional advice from friends and I ignored how it was impacting my health. Because we loved each other and that’s what mattered. You can always work it out if you love each other, right?
(No, often what happens is you start rocking the rose tinted glasses!)
Although, another part of why I didn’t end it was because I was afraid. I was afraid that if I let him go, he would go off with someone else and then I’d be missing out, alone and always thinking ’that could have been me but I let it go’.
I think that’s what makes breakups so hard and even harder if they ended the relationship with you, because then you feel this sense of ‘not being enough’. And I know a large part of the pain is dealing with feeling like you might ‘miss out’ on the wonderful person they evolve into if you let them go or if they’ve let go of you. That someone else will get to benefit everything you knew you could have if you’d have just persevered and tried that little bit harder. Well, I’m here to tell you that having that feeling is completely normal. And the very good news, is that you have a lot more control over this than what you think.
So, if your ex finds someone else within a heartbeat of the breakup, do this instead of feeling like you’ve lost out. Take a step back, take off the rose tinted specs and get real. People who move on crazy quick after a breakup where there were clear issues at play from their side (maybe you had some too but that bit comes later!), repeat the same patterns. So even though they’re with someone else, there’s absolutely no chance that they’ll have done the work on themselves to figure out their issues; particularly in relationships. They haven’t given themselves a moment to! People who tend to do this get hooked on the excitement and intensity of leaping straight into something else, where the true, harsh issues around themselves and relationships won’t rear their ugly heads until a few months down the line. Which, they inevitably will. So the person they’re with won’t be any better off than you are right now, despite being with them and getting the ‘best’ of them. They will probably have one hell of an emotional roller-coaster ride to come!
But this isn’t about ex-bashing or feeling smug about that situation. What I’m trying to put over here, is that although it can be so easy to focus on what we feel we now lack when we go through a breakup, you really have to almost step outside of the emotions and get analytical about it. If they did wrong by you or couldn’t compromise or behaved in ways that made the relationship far more difficult than it should be, they will repeat that whoever they’re with. A new person or relationship is not the cure for fulfilment and it won’t erase all the underlying issues a person might have. It’s a temporary cover up. Those challenges will come up and the same pattern will be repeated with a different person.
Your job is to focus on not what you lack, but what you have. It isn’t easy and it won’t be instant but every time you feel yourself going down the rabbit hole of wondering why someone else gets to be with him/her whilst you’re alone still in such pain, make a list of all the ways in which the relationship wasn’t good for you. Sometimes seeing it on paper can bring you back to reality. Part of the reason why you feel such a void is because you’ve become so used to focusing your time and energy on the other person. Now they’re not around, where does all that go? Well, it goes on you, and that might be a strange feeling to get used to at first! But putting your attention on being the best you can be - for you, will absolutely mean that you WILL find someone else and you CAN be happy - alone or in a relationship. This is also the time to work on your own things that might have made relationships difficult. So in this case, learning how to listen to that ‘feeling’, learning to trust yourself, putting boundaries in place and acting on them.
And while you’re taking the time to heal and support yourself, you’re doing exactly the right thing to set yourself up for better relationships in the future. Your ex is simply looking for short-term fixes.
So who will be better off in the long-run? Well, I think you know the answer to that one 😉
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we can make our relationships the be-all-and-end-all. And let’s be honest, it’s so easy to do that when you get caught up and swept away in something. But then what happens is that when that relationships ends (which ironically, it inevitably will if it becomes your entire world), you feel like you’re left with nothing. You’ve lost sight of yourself, your values, your boundaries and so piecing all of that together (as well as your broken heart) can be hugely trying and overwhelming.
Remember that an amazing relationship shouldn’t make you feel like you have to invest absolutely everything into it - including your time and emotions. When you lose yourself completely in it, you become more reactive, less in control of your emotions and your entire world becomes all about the other person and the relationship. Sometimes it takes for that relationship to break up to realise it though. And to understand what you need to set boundaries on when it comes to future relationships and even people you’re dating.
It’s funny because I was thinking about this and then my attention very randomly got caught by a song called When You Make Love Your Everything by this freaking AMAZING singer/songwriter called Rooty. If you can manage to avoid getting overly distracted by her ridiculously gorgeous voice, the lyrics are everything in relation to not giving your life to a relationship.
Hey guys! Happy Valentine’s Day! Given that today is the ‘official’ day of love and all of that, I thought a quick post would be a nice idea.
I’m curious to know - what are your thoughts on Valentine’s Day? Personally I’m in no way ‘anti-Valentine’s’ and I certainly don’t feel the void of it being single. I’ve also never completely bought into it when I have been in a relationship, though ridiculing the cards, roses and cliché element of it hasn’t been a thing for me either. It is a nice opportunity to show your partner you love them, even if it is a bit commercialised. Whatever, it’s about what makes you feel good, even if that does line the pockets of Hallmark and Prezzo with their V Day specials 😉
But I do understand that if you’ve gone through a break-up recently, Valentine’s can be somewhat of a kicker and a reminder of what you don’t have anymore. I was going on a walk this morning as part of dedicating today to a bunch of things that make me feel good, aside from a big smile and hello from an absolute hottie (boom!), I was thinking about how easy it is to only notice the things we don’t have. When you’re in that frame of mind about ruminating over the past and how Valentine’s Day was before the break-up, what you spot in the outside world only seems to highlight what you feel you don’t have now.
Everywhere I went today, couples were brunching, hand in hand, gazing adoringly at each other and so on. Except, this could actually be any Sunday and for all the ones that were loved up, there were just as many couples who clearly, were mighty pi**ed off with each other following one of them getting drunk and inappropriate last night, groups of single girls/guys having coffee or breakfast together and people on their own going abouttheir day not feeling crap about it being Valentine’s Day.
So if you are struggling, it’s about shifting your perception. Yesterday my friend and I swapped cute little gifts for Valentine’s. She’s with someone, I’m single, but it was a chance to show our love for each other and the friendship we have. It was kind of all tongue in cheek but still a genuine way to show each other we care. Afterwards, I spent the day with my dad and I can honestly say it was the best way to spend Valentine’s weekend because my dad is awesome, I love him, we have such a laugh together and all in all, it was a great day.
That said, what I have come to realise is that I would like to be spending Valentine’s Day with someone. No, not in a way that I’m sad about it, but just as a ‘nice to have’. My workload with the podcast, the online course I’m launching and a few other things has meant that proactively dating has been put on the back burner somewhat, but today has made me realise that soon, I do want to give it much more attention, which will mean a bit more commitment to it! So if you are feeling the void today, then look at it as an opportunity to reassess what you’re doing to actually get out there and meet people. There is absolutely nothing wrong with using today to reinforce that you want to find a relationship and someone special! And if it’s more about getting over the void of your ex not being around, then use today as a chance to show yourself some love or to those who you do have around you.
Bit of a short and sweet one today but I don’t think it’s necessary to make a huge thing of Valentine’s. Make it what you will and use it as an opportunity whatever situation you might be in right now. Here’s a snapchat of my Valentine’s Day ramblings - you can catch me at laurayatesuk on there
