I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we can make our relationships the be-all-and-end-all. And let’s be honest, it’s so easy to do that when you get caught up and swept away in something. But then what happens is that when that relationships ends (which ironically, it inevitably will if it becomes your entire world), you feel like you’re left with nothing. You’ve lost sight of yourself, your values, your boundaries and so piecing all of that together (as well as your broken heart) can be hugely trying and overwhelming.
Remember that an amazing relationship shouldn’t make you feel like you have to invest absolutely everything into it - including your time and emotions. When you lose yourself completely in it, you become more reactive, less in control of your emotions and your entire world becomes all about the other person and the relationship. Sometimes it takes for that relationship to break up to realise it though. And to understand what you need to set boundaries on when it comes to future relationships and even people you’re dating.
It’s funny because I was thinking about this and then my attention very randomly got caught by a song called When You Make Love Your Everything by this freaking AMAZING singer/songwriter called Rooty. If you can manage to avoid getting overly distracted by her ridiculously gorgeous voice, the lyrics are everything in relation to not giving your life to a relationship.
I was watching a past episode of the Bachelor (I know, I know!) last night and I noticed something happening on the dates that I think is actually, quite an accurate portrayal of what can often happen on dates in ‘real life’. And where we can self-sabotage. These things usually come as a result of not dealing with the post break-up emotional minefield.
If you’re not familiar with the Bachelor, in short; they guy dates a bunch of women and date by date whittles it down to the select few who could be the ‘one’ for him. The girl who he picks gets given a red rose and rides off into the sunset (or to a farm in Iowa) with him. Despite my description sounding slightly cynical, the show has actually had a lot of success in terms of couples going the distance and getting married.
But I digress!
So, on this one episode I watched, a few of the women going on dates with the bachelor (who seems like a decent and compassionate chap) were bringing up all kinds of things in conversation that really didn’t make for good first date material. A few of these topics including talking about their fears, feeling unlovable due to their past and their worries about getting close to someone in fear of what might happen.
(Er…you’re on the Bachelor….on TV luv?!)
Now I know these already seem like obvious things to NOT do. And the poor guy’s face on the show - well he didn’t really know how to respond in a way that was sensitive and without the air of ‘WTF, we’re on a first date?!’ Obviously, the nature and dynamic of the show is far more dramatic than a regular first or second date, but the point I’m trying to make, is that bringing up anything about insecurities and fears associated with past relationships early on is a big no no.
Have you ever had that experience when you’ve gone on a date with someone and felt like you’ve ‘known them forever’? Or that feeling has arisen in a relatively short space of time? I know I have and that’s exactly when we can let our guard down bit by bit, each time revealing all of what we feel are our flaws in the belief that this is creating deeper connection because we’re ‘opening up’.
It will in most cases, do the opposite.
This isn’t to say that you have to show up trying to be a completely different version of yourself, but bringing up the past and your insecurities and showing more of those before the best things about yourself - you’re giving the other person a reason to pull back because that’s all they’re seeing. You’re indirectly pushing them away. And even if you do lighten up for a bit of the date, that ‘deep’ conversation around the past is what your date will remember.
It’s also important to recognise that if you feel any of these things, then there’s nothing wrong with that at all. It’s just an indication that going on dates right now and getting involved with someone else probably isn’t the best way to work through them. If you are riddled with insecurities that you don’t know how to intercept (because we all have them - it’s just being able to stop them in their tracks, that’s the key), then you need to spend that time on yourself figuring out where they come from, why and how you can begin to get through them. Bringing those deeply personal things into an early interaction puts the other person who doesn’t even know you in a difficult position. And it kills attraction stone dead.
Of course, when two people get closer, it’s inevitable that their fears and insecurities are going to arise at some point. But by that time, you’ve already built up a genuine connection, know one another on a deeper level beyond dating and you’ve seen and experienced the best of each other too. Let’s face it, we all have baggage. You can’t go on dates expecting someone to be a completely untarnished, perfect human with no past. But there’s a place for it. You can never rely on someone else to swoop in and take any of that away or to heal it. They’re not there on that date to be your coach or therapist. They’re there to get to know you. And initially, get to know the best of you. It’s kind of like turning up to a job interview and immediately telling them all the ways in which you’d be wrong for the job and all the skills you don’t have. And neglecting to present to them the skills and the qualities that show you’d be great for role. Some the first things might actually be true - you might not have all the necessary skills, but you wouldn’t walk in and immediately tell them!
And you know, the conversation might get taken somewhere that relates to your past and past relationships. That often happens and you don’t have to lie about anything. It’s just the way you frame it. If your last relationship left you emotionally shattered and a question comes up about your ex or the relationship that you don’t really know how to answer in a way that doesn’t bring up all the gory details. Well, you just phrase it in such a way that the relationship ‘didn’t work out but that you learnt a lot and what you’re focused on as a result of it is enjoying life right now and the future’. Even if you are still healing from that, the fact that you’re able to recognise that it’s not the way forwards bringing that into this present interaction shows that you’ve got it handled. On the other hand if you delve right into it, revealing that it ‘hurt you deeply, it’s the reason why you’ve found dating or meeting someone else so hard and it’s left you with a ton of insecurities and that you’re really just an absolute train wreck hahaha’, well that’s not such a good response. The first one still shows the ability to show vulnerability but it’s positive, assertive and forward focused. You’ve demonstrated you’re only human but that you’ve got your s**t handled (or handling it). And that’s attractive. Being overly transparent too soon isn’t.
I was on a first date recently and the guy brought up something about his ex. I clocked that this could go into unnecessary territory and so didn’t ask any more questions about that situation specifically so not to steer the conversation that way. Instead I acknowledged what he said, but brought it back to the now to keep the positive flow going. And sometimes I even have to check myself if (usually after a prosecco too many), I’m tempted to jump back into the past. I feel myself starting to ‘go there’ and have a quick word with myself internally to make sure the conversation stays fun, upbeat and positive. (Maybe I’ll talk more about that in another post!)
So don’t do what some of the girls do on the Bachelor! You want to be bringing your best self to first dates There’s a time and place to deal with the other stuff.
There’s a time and place to deal with the other stuff.