How to Let Go
Image taken by Saturday Nights Alright
Sometimes I think the fear of letting go of a past relationship or person is also oddly, a fear of the thought of moving on from them. What will life be like when they’re no longer taking up every inch of your mind space? Who will you be when you don’t have these thoughts to consume you, when you’re no longer checking your phone 24/7 or crafting a text message to rival the length of War and Peace to send to them. Who will you be when this no longer defines you?
Letting go is scary because it plummets us into the unknown. It signifies a clear end. And so we can cling onto not letting go - even though we’re feeling at our absolute worst and hate every minute of it. It can also be weirdly comforting. Or addictive.
The truth is, letting go is a choice. It just depends on how far you have to go to make that choice.
I remember in a past relationship there was one pivotal moment when I consciously decided to let go. I remember it so clearly. I thought I’d let go before but I hadn’t really. This time was different. This one moment just all of a sudden made me slam the book of him and I shut and I made a choice to not let this person consume my head, heart and being. It sounds simple but it actually was that simple. I’d had enough of holding on, I’d had enough of the games, I’d had enough of not sleeping, the unnecessary contact….I’d just had enough.
If you’re in a situation where you might be thinking ‘I know this is wrong for me, I know I need to move on, but I can’t stop. I can’t let go’, sometimes, you have to allow it get to the point where letting go is the only option. Obviously it’s better if you can intercept it, but we all know that there’s a lot of conflict between the head and heart. Sometimes to reach that point where you are forced to let go is a good thing because it means you will never, ever be tempted to go back and you’ll probably have to face up to some quite ugly truths about the relationship, maybe the other person and maybe yourself, but that’s ok because it means you will learn what you need to from the whole experience. It’s a bit like staying in a ‘sort-of’ relationship with someone that deep down, you know isn’t going anywhere. You know you want it to, you know it won’t happen but you can’t end it. Sometimes, you just have to take it as far as to the point where you know enough is enough or something happens to stop it. No amount of advice articles, questionnaires on Cosmo, tarot readers, or friends telling you they’re not good enough/right for you will change what you’re feeling.
So if you can’t quite proactively put an end to it and trudging through those highs and lows is what you need to be able to come to those conclusions yourself, then sometimes that’s the way it has to be!
And when you step into that unknown it’s the best thing in the world.
You realise so many things. You realise that life can be good without that person, that those nights out weren’t quite as fun as you built them up to be post break-up because what sticks out most now are the arguments, sleepless nights and looking a not-so-hot mess because of the continuous lack of sleep, stress and tears. You feel relief it’s not like that now. You realise that it’s so freeing when you’re not investing energy trying to cling onto something that’s beyond repair. You realise that the peace beats the drama. You smile at the good things and the lovely memories and how things were at their best, but you see the reality of the bad things too. You see or hear they’re with someone else and it doesn’t send you into a mindless frenzy. It might make you wince a little but it doesn’t impact everything else. It’s amazing to be able to focus your attention on friends, working out and on your hobbies and projects. When you meet someone new and you get that little flutter of excitement and you can think about them in that beautiful, fresh way without thoughts of your ex completely overshadowing it and pushing them out of the picture. It’s good to be able to sleep at night. It’s good to not be waiting endlessly for that text message. You realise that those times and those places you used to go were great but not with that glossy sheen where you used to believe that nothing else could compare. You realise how brilliant it is to be able to let new people, experiences and feelings into your life. You realise you’ll still get stressed out by other things that life throws but you can handle it….because that time was rough but it’s made you so much more resilient.
Maybe you’re just able to think of that person and smile and know the relationship was great at the time, but it being over is ok. You no longer have that crazy attachment.
Letting go isn’t about focusing on the negatives but it’s about seeing things how they are in reality. And if you are really struggling to let go, maybe ask yourself if you really want to? And if when it comes down to it and you don’t, why are you not wanting to? Are the reasons for holding on realistic? Is there communication that is keeping you from letting go that really, needs to be cut? You can be in control of that. Can you stop looking at their social media accounts? And if not, is doing that serving you right now? Is it helpful seeing all those pictures and updates? Are you holding out for something that in reality if you’re really honest, doesn’t exist. Are you afraid of what might happen if you do let them go? If so, what is that and is this alternative making you happier than what could be in the unknown?
Letting go can be hard. But it can also be incredibly simple. Either way, it is a choice. And it doesn’t mean you’ll all of a sudden feel just peachy. You won’t, but that intense attachment will disperse dramatically. And that is so freeing. And then it gets easier. You just have to be willing to make a decision on if you want to or not.
Have a great week all 🙂
Laura x