Image taken by Saturday Nights Alright
Mini break-ups can sometimes be as rough to handle as major break-ups. You (mostly) get over them quicker, but they can still create intense anxiety, insecurity, frustration and hurt.
Unfortunately, in the age of us preferring to generally communicate from behind a screen, this leads to a lot of mixed messages or point blank communication shut down. It makes the option of not having to face up to someone you’re dating, sleeping with, ‘sorta seeing’ or in a ‘kinda-relationship’ with far easier and when you’re left on the receiving end of this, well, it’s never a nice place to be.
So how do you avoid these types of mini break-ups that can end with no…..er……end?
If you read this post, I talk about a few red flags when you start dating someone - future talking, idealising, fantasising etc. And much of this also applies here.
Actions speak louder than words - it’s a cliché because it’s true!
Basically, don’t assume someone truly believes what they’re telling you early on in the dating or even relationship phase until they show you. Again, it’s about knowing your boundaries.
I’m not saying to shut down someone when they express interest in you early on. It’s not about being pessimistic or assuming the worst. When you do realise they like you or they tell you this, that’s a lovely feeling and what makes dating so much fun and often, romantic. But if they’re perhaps being slightly elaborate about their feelings and insinuating all these future plans, then proceed to see how it goes…..just with awareness.
I know I’ve been in situations where I overlooked the guys who were trying to show me that their words could be backed up by actions. Of course, I was usually taken with the slightly more mysterious one who said all the right things - and even did some of them to an extent. But it didn’t play out as so. Even though I’m better at preempting this, and even as someone who coaches in dating and getting over break-ups, it doesn’t mean I’m always completely immune 😉 But I’m more aware of these scenarios and *hopefully* better able to avoid these mini break-ups. They’re just too much of an unnecessary headache!
In dating - and the way we get our kicks from instant gratification, it can take a lot for one person to become ‘special’ because there can always be someone waiting in the wings. It’s just the way it is.
This does make dating sound really depressing. But that isn’t the intention at all, I promise! You just have to have your boundaries clear and your awareness in check.
You won’t be the one to change them….
Another thing to keep in mind is that when people tell you they’re not ready for a relationship, they’re not over their ex, they self-sabotage potentially good relationships or are just ‘not good’ in relationships, don’t take this as your challenge to be the one who changes that and puts it right! When someone says these types of things, they mean it. They’re giving you a heads up. They might be opening up to you, yes, but don’t confuse that with them asking you to be the person who sticks around to see if this time it will be different. All of those things have to be dealt with by the individual and certainly can be. It doesn’t mean you have to cut them off or not show compassion. But it is a clear sign that you need to back off in the emotional investment department. At least until they show you that they want to change and are doing something about it.
If someone has told you they have relationship issues, yet you stick around in a relationship capacity giving them your all…well….it doesn’t give them much incentive to change does it? And you could come off worse whilst they’re already swipe-a-rooing on Tinder.
The quicker you take things back a notch, the easier it is to be able to focus on - or even see, the people who are in the right mindset and headspace for something that’s aligned to what you want too.
I hope this helps anyone going through this stuff and as always I’d love to hear your comments or questions! You can also email me on [email protected].
Also, if you’re going through a break-up and not knowing what to do, I want to find out exactly what your struggles are so I can help you in a specific way. All you need to do is fill in this quick survey, it won’t take long. And feel free to share the link if you know anyone going through one too. All the feedback I get is really important to help me figure out how I can help you more.
Have a great day 
Laura x
If you’re anything like me and just a little bit obsessed over Millionaire Matchmaker and fancy yourself as the next Patti Stanger, I have something very exciting to tell you about.
Britain’s top Matchmaker (yes – she has the awards to prove it!) Caroline Brealey has set up the country’s first Matchmaker Academy to teach wannabe cupids the tricks of the trade.
This bespoke Matchmaker Training weekend will be held in London at the super swanky Fox Club on June 13th and 14th and aims to help participants become successful matchmakers by giving them the tools and knowledge needed to make it as a real life Hitch.
I’ve seen first hand how dedicated to her craft Caroline is - she really knows her stuff when it comes to the love business. It’s no surprise she’s officially the UK’s and the world’s best matchmaker as well as the head judge at this year’s UK Dating Awards. So you’ll be in the best hands!
Caroline said: “Since setting up my own matchmaking agency, Mutual Attraction, over three years ago I’ve learnt first-hand how to run a successful dating business.
“Matchmaking is a fantastic career and you have the freedom and flexibility to shape it exactly how you want. Matchmakers work part time, full time, locally or internationally. From their own home or offices. Some operate on a freelance individual basis whilst others run big agencies. Aside from a job, matchmaking is a lifestyle choice.
“People pay several thousands of pounds for a matchmaker and they want a trained professional who will take care of the serious business of finding them love.”
The academy and the certification is going to set the benchmark for all matchmakers in the UK, improving standards right across the industry.
Guest Speakers
I’m going to be speaking at the academy, sharing my insights on how valuable coaching can be within your matchmaking business and as an additional paid service. The other speakers and dating industry experts are -:
Katy Horwood
Katy writes the award winning dating blog ‘all sweetness and life’ and is a dating columnist for Metro, Match.com and several large online dating websites. She will be talking about getting featured in the press, publicity and how to position your blog to sell your brand and bring in clients.
Saskia Nelson
Founder of the successful ‘Saturday Nights Alright’ dating photography business, she is the only dedicated dating photographer in the UK. Not only will you have a mini photoshoot with Saskia and receive awesome photographs (critical for publicity plan) she’ll be talking to you about the importance of collaboration within the dating industry and giving you her expert insider knowledge.
This really is an amazing opportunity to take those steps towards creating a lifestyle business you love – and one that enables other people to find love! Plus you’ll be the first to receive this training, guidance and mentoring that you won’t find elsewhere in the dating industry, so you’ll be at the advantage of getting a real head start when it comes to the nitty gritty biz stuff too.
To get yourself booked in (please let Caroline know you came via me) and for more info, head to http://www.matchmakeracademy.co.uk. Really hope to see you there!
Photo taken by Saturday Nights Alright.
Even if your break-up has happened because you were wronged, hurt or cheated on, as devastated as you probably feel, there is always, ALWAYS something that you can learn. There are always ways you can grow. There are ways you can become a better person most importantly for you - and eventually when the time comes, for your next relationship. Here are a few ideas.
1) Help someone else. In the depths of despair, an amazing way to shift the focus is to help someone else. Donate to charity, call a friend and ask how they’re getting along with that thing they’re struggling with, smile at someone, give them a compliment. Doesn’t have to be big. It will make you feel better and gets you out of your own head even for a few minutes.
2) Read. Educate yourself on something completely new. Even if the book isn’t your cup of tea, you will still learn something.
3) Exercise. Exercise is one of the best things you can do to lift your mood and improve your health. Try not to make it a one hit wonder and schedule in some form of exercise every day for the next week. Do it week by week.
4) Be mindful of how you speak to others. You’re probably feeling sad, tired, distressed and maybe even a bit hopeless right now. But make an effort to be nice. Be kind, listen and be gracious. Think about the words you use, they mean a lot.
5) Commit to not gossiping or bitching.
6) Be selfish. This time is also about taking care of you, so do something for yourself that is way beyond what you would normally do. Buy yourself something fancy, go for a pamper day, take a day trip to Paris. Watch something terrible on Netflix all day. Whatever you can feasibly do that you would usually make excuses to not do, do it.
7) Become curious and interested. (This will also make people curious and interested in you.)
8) Learn a new skill. Set yourself a goal that in 6 months with this skill, you want to be able to ………………..
9) Drink a green juice every day. (Yawn.) Yes I know, totally boring and I’m cringing a bit writing it, but I’m not joking when I say it will change how you feel - and within a couple of days. Even if it’s chucking in some spinach, celery, broccoli and apple. You only need to keep it basic to notice a big change.
10) Write down 10 ideas for absolutely anything every day. (Except ways to get revenge on your ex, that probably won’t help!) I can’t take credit for this one - James Altucher is the brains behind it but it’s an amazing way to get your brain ticking again.
11) Learn to be grateful. Make a gratitude list every day and note down 5 things.
12) Set your standards. Break-ups provide massive opportunity to think about what we will and won’t accept in the future. Not just with partners but with other people too. Do you notice patterns whereby you seem to always come off worse? Set your standards and commit to living by them. If you constantly seem to attract the wrong sort of people, there is something you can do about that. It’s not bad luck. If you don’t know what your standards are yet then spend time working them out.
13) We all have flaws. Think about something you know you need to work on and how you can make a start.
14) But don’t give yourself a hard time either. Whatever you are feeling right now is ok.
15) Don’t live your life through your social media feed. Learn to enjoy what’s real and out there right now. Social media is fantastic, I love it don’t get me wrong, but when the shit has totally hit the fan, it can be a real hindrance and we forgot half of what we see is through a fancy filter.
16) Get out of your music rut. Listen to something new.
17) Let go, have fun, be spontaneous.
18) Care about people - but don’t care so much about what others think if this is something that has held you back. People are too concerned with their own lives to be too worrying about your choices. They really are. (Aside from possibly your mum but you have to let her off ;))
19) Place more importance on your sleep and more so, the quality of it.
20) Learn and get inspired by other people. Particularly ones who have overcome troubles or adversity if you’re really struggling at the moment. I recommend TED talks on YouTube and I also listen to podcasts every day whilst I’m travelling or working. I love it - I learn something new every day. This really helped me during my break-up.
21) Sort out or define your image. Could it do with a shake-up or a wardrobe clear out? What kind of first impression do you want to make?
22) Read this.
23) Spend as much time around people who make you feel good and who you make feel good too.
24) Work out what you can do about any jealously you feel or insecurities you have. Where is that coming from and what does it reveal about what you really want for yourself?
25) Speak to yourself as you would speak to a friend. If you’re having a hard time with feelings of rejection and thinking you’re not good enough read this and this.
26) Find small ways to address how you are feeling physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. If the word ‘spiritual’ makes you wince, just substitute it for something that makes you feel more comfortable. Basically what I mean is those non-material things. I won’t go too woo-woo on you but how can you feel more at peace and content with what you have right now and what can you do to amp that up.
I hope you find those useful. There are always ways you can become (an even!) better person after a break-up so take the opportunity that it offers you.
Exciting news! I’m also holding a free workshop in London on Tuesday May 19th called ‘Move On, Feel Good, Date Better‘ which will look at moving on from past relationships, creating a life that fulfils you and makes you happy and tips and advice on getting back on the dating scene. It will be held from 7.30pm - 9pm, is free to attend and there are limited places so get your names down! I’m really looking forward to this and will be creating more in-depth workshops following it.
You can get your tickets here: http://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/move-on-feel-good-date-better-tickets-16842818323?aff=estw. I really hope to see you there
Laura x
