Why did he Disappear??

Dating can introduce us to all types of weird and wonderful magicians. They can produce flowers, gifts, attention and affection seemingly out of nowhere into our world. And of course, there’s the starring act!

You know, the one where they just completely disappear.

I think the worst thing about falling victim to the disappearing act is the unanswered questions. When things seem to be going SO WELL, all the signs are there and the rug unknowingly gets pulled from beneath you with either “Sorry, but I’m just not ready for anything serious”, “I’m not good for you” or worse, the complete ghosting. What is that all about?

You’ll probably notice that the reason why you’re so shocked at the man you’re dating’s sudden departure is that everything seemed to be going peachy. Did you talk about future plans - probably over too many drinks? Did he make you feel like the only girl in the world for a few weeks or maybe if you’re lucky, months? Did you feel like he really allowed you ‘in’? Chances are you probably put him on a shiny golden pedestal too because he made you feel so amazing and that’s what we all want in our future husband isn’t it? Because that is also what probably happened. The visualisation of the wedding and the venue and the cake and the honeymoon and the honeymoon wardrobe…..And you think that it’s fine because he’s the one giving you the impression that this is what he sees too! It’s probably more him that you actually (which is why you’re caught even more off-guard when he runs).

THIS IS WHAT THE FILMS MEAN BY FIREWORKS!!

Not really. I don’t believe in ‘rules’ when it comes to dating but there are sure as hell warning signs. If someone starts to future trip a couple of dates in… “wow, it’s only been 2 weeks and look how things are going..we’ll be married in 6 months!” *said with an eager glow in the eye* then this is a huge red flag. As women, we get so pulled in by men who we feel a connection with, it’s easy to unknowingly fall hard and fast for someone who is willing to share all their goals, dreams and probably, problems with us. But that connection can be confused by someone who is using building a connection with us to mask the fact that they’re actually wanting the complete opposite long-term. Someone who talks intensely about the future a few dates in is someone who probably just wants to play it out somewhere in their mind. They want the quick fix of feeling it and feeling emotionally connected. But not being connected at all. They get their fix by being their absolute best self, rapidly bringing you into their world but then are swiftly moving onto the next girl while we’re Evernoting our wedding guest list. And by then, we’re all in. We’re emotionally invested.

And alas, before we know it, we’ve been ‘Bye Felicia’d’.

Sometimes it can also be the case that the guy just isn’t visualising it as we are. We are seeing something long-term and they’re seeing it as short-term fun. Again, they get the satisfaction of that feeling of connection and elation but it’s superficial, it soon dwindles and then they’re onto the next girl. Or they get preoccupied with another major part of their life that takes priority. Sometimes men put pressure on themselves to have everything else figured out in their lives before they can commit. And therefore the girl they are dating is only ever short-term before the rest of these things take over and the pressure gets too much. They’re not even bad guys. It’s a pride thing and it’s easier to run, disappear or give some kind of an unbelievable excuse.

To stop getting lured in by these types of dating scenarios, you just have to be conscious and emotionally aware. It’s not about blaming the guys you’re dating and it’s certainly not about becoming emotionally unattached or afraid to let people in, but more just having a very realistic view of what’s going on. Not putting people on a pedestal and if they’re talking about this incredible future they can see already, overloading you with compliments and seeming too good to be true, take it all with a very strong pinch of salt. You can only really believe that someone will do what they say when they do it. Or at least take the practical steps to begin to make it happen. Until then it’s just talk. Unfortunately the guys who sweep us off our feet can also be the ones who drop us quicker than an X Factor winner from a record label.

So just be wary and take a step back if you feel like you’re falling faster than what is probably realistic. Don’t agonise over the ‘mystery’ of the ones who disappear. There isn’t as much mystery to it as we think and there’s no point analysing because you won’t see him for dust now. Just know that you have the sense, power and ability in you to avoid it next time.

Have a great weekend x

(Image courtesy of http://www.designcatwalk.com/)