Image taken by Saturday Nights Alright
Mini break-ups can sometimes be as rough to handle as major break-ups. You (mostly) get over them quicker, but they can still create intense anxiety, insecurity, frustration and hurt.
Unfortunately, in the age of us preferring to generally communicate from behind a screen, this leads to a lot of mixed messages or point blank communication shut down. It makes the option of not having to face up to someone you’re dating, sleeping with, ‘sorta seeing’ or in a ‘kinda-relationship’ with far easier and when you’re left on the receiving end of this, well, it’s never a nice place to be.
So how do you avoid these types of mini break-ups that can end with no…..er……end?
If you read this post, I talk about a few red flags when you start dating someone - future talking, idealising, fantasising etc. And much of this also applies here.
Actions speak louder than words - it’s a cliché because it’s true!
Basically, don’t assume someone truly believes what they’re telling you early on in the dating or even relationship phase until they show you. Again, it’s about knowing your boundaries.
I’m not saying to shut down someone when they express interest in you early on. It’s not about being pessimistic or assuming the worst. When you do realise they like you or they tell you this, that’s a lovely feeling and what makes dating so much fun and often, romantic. But if they’re perhaps being slightly elaborate about their feelings and insinuating all these future plans, then proceed to see how it goes…..just with awareness.
I know I’ve been in situations where I overlooked the guys who were trying to show me that their words could be backed up by actions. Of course, I was usually taken with the slightly more mysterious one who said all the right things - and even did some of them to an extent. But it didn’t play out as so. Even though I’m better at preempting this, and even as someone who coaches in dating and getting over break-ups, it doesn’t mean I’m always completely immune 😉 But I’m more aware of these scenarios and *hopefully* better able to avoid these mini break-ups. They’re just too much of an unnecessary headache!
In dating - and the way we get our kicks from instant gratification, it can take a lot for one person to become ‘special’ because there can always be someone waiting in the wings. It’s just the way it is.
This does make dating sound really depressing. But that isn’t the intention at all, I promise! You just have to have your boundaries clear and your awareness in check.
You won’t be the one to change them….
Another thing to keep in mind is that when people tell you they’re not ready for a relationship, they’re not over their ex, they self-sabotage potentially good relationships or are just ‘not good’ in relationships, don’t take this as your challenge to be the one who changes that and puts it right! When someone says these types of things, they mean it. They’re giving you a heads up. They might be opening up to you, yes, but don’t confuse that with them asking you to be the person who sticks around to see if this time it will be different. All of those things have to be dealt with by the individual and certainly can be. It doesn’t mean you have to cut them off or not show compassion. But it is a clear sign that you need to back off in the emotional investment department. At least until they show you that they want to change and are doing something about it.
If someone has told you they have relationship issues, yet you stick around in a relationship capacity giving them your all…well….it doesn’t give them much incentive to change does it? And you could come off worse whilst they’re already swipe-a-rooing on Tinder.
The quicker you take things back a notch, the easier it is to be able to focus on - or even see, the people who are in the right mindset and headspace for something that’s aligned to what you want too.
I hope this helps anyone going through this stuff and as always I’d love to hear your comments or questions! You can also email me on contact@laurayates.org.
Also, if you’re going through a break-up and not knowing what to do, I want to find out exactly what your struggles are so I can help you in a specific way. All you need to do is fill in this quick survey, it won’t take long. And feel free to share the link if you know anyone going through one too. All the feedback I get is really important to help me figure out how I can help you more.
Have a great day 🙂
Laura x