(Photo taken by Saturday Night’s Alright)
When people say time is a healer and you’re in the midst of emotional hell after a break-up, it isn’t the most comforting statement you want to hear. How long is ‘time’ anyway? Surely you should be over it by now? It’s been months! Everyone is expecting you to be a bit more cheery and upbeat. The break-up is old news.
But not for you. This bit of time in your life right now is rough. It’s almost rougher than being fresh out of the break-up because now the drama has settled, you know the relationship is done with and you feel in no-mans land. And it hurts. As someone who is sensitive to really feeling all emotions at their core, when you’re hurt by love and it just doesn’t seem to subside, it’s hard to know what to do, or be able to look towards that time when it will get better.
And it can catch you off-guard too. You might think you’re doing ok and one innocent look at Facebook and it sends you hurtling back into heartbreak-ville. Not only are you not with them, but it looks like they’re dating someone else and then you go through this ridiculous mind maze of who this new person is, how they met, what he/she has that you don’t etc etc. How could your ex have moved on so quickly? It’s exhausting.
So what to do when you just can’t stop hurting? What do you do when time has passed? What do you do when even Netflix has recommended you ‘go outside’?
Be Proactive
When you can’t stop hurting you have to really proactive. Emotionally and physically. But this isn’t really about just ‘keeping busy’. Emotion-wise what I mean by proactive is allowing yourself to actually feel everything and find a way to get it out. Forgive me for sounding a bit woo-woo, but feel it and feel through it. It might seem like feeling hurt is the only thing you’ve been doing for (insert time frame here) but there’s a difference between fighting it (or maybe ignoring it) and accepting it. Emotionally, I feel things to their core. If I’ve been heartbroken in the past, I couldn’t ‘just get on’ with things. And I’ve thought that this is what people meant by feeling feelings and that I was doing the ‘right’ thing but actually, putting those feelings somewhere - on paper, to a friend, helped me make sense of what was really going on. Feelings are beyond our control but the inner dialogue that comes as a result of them is. Or it can be intercepted. And it isn’t until you can process your feelings that you can start to just accept them and unravel what’s going on there. And most importantly, what you probably need to do from here.
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I can’t believe I’m writing Love Yourself as it sounds like such a cliché but……
..there’s a lot of talk about loving yourself. And I have to admit, even that phrase to me sometimes makes me wince a bit. A friend said to me last week ‘love yourself to death’, and I don’t know why, but this had a bit more impact because it seemed less wooly and much more intentional. So yes, part of - a large part of relieving the pain of heartbreak is loving yourself. I think the biggest part of loving yourself is really just about talking to yourself kindly. Not beating yourself up for feeling heartbroken, thinking that you should be over it or kicking yourself down because you’re feeling inadequate. Our brains are programmed to think more negative thoughts than positive ones so it takes real work to not run away with these bad thoughts. Talk to yourself as you would a friend.
And you know what, if you can’t love yourself yet, just learn to like yourself. That’s a good compromise.
Go and ‘do’ one small thing a day
Go to that gym class, yoga, event, social gathering or gig. Go and still feel heartbroken. Going and doing just one thing every day, even whilst still feeling like there’s no hope, will make you feel better than not doing anything. When we isolate ourselves during times of pain, our thoughts not only become negative but also all about us. Part of getting through pain is creating an environment surrounded by people and experiences that provide outside perspective. Spending time alone might feel like a safe environment but it can actually become really toxic. You will find relief in the outside world. You might not even realise it, but you will.
Help someone else
Get outside of your own head. No matter how bad it is right now, when you help someone else, it just gives you the lift you need. And obviously it’s not doing it for the sole intention of making yourself feel better, but this just naturally happens. It doesn’t have to be anything drastic. Call a friend who might appreciate hearing from you. Volunteer or donate to a charity that means something to you. Give a compliment to someone.
Think about your future boundaries
Some people find it hard to trust after heartbreak, others run into the arms of someone else and it all ends in disaster. I suppose in some respects I’ve experienced both, and it was because I didn’t take the time to work out what I really wanted, needed and where my own boundaries were. I didn’t really think about it. Again, another line that sounds a bit cringey but is so true, is that you have to turn inwards and build that relationship and trust with yourself again. This is a rough time, but also an opportunity to look at all the deeply buried rubble that maybe you haven’t let surface - your past habits and what changes you can (or need) to make. There are always positive ones you can action, even if the relationship has ended without drama or wrongdoing.
No contact with your ex - the deeper reason
I’ve spoken about this a lot before and aside from the usual point I make about the importance of cutting off that emotional connection, stopping contact with your ex actually forces you to face your own stuff head on. We can use any excuse out there to make contact. And when we’re in that headspace, we can think of the most ridiculous reasons (be honest, we can!) to send that innocent text or even just ‘like’ a Facebook picture. It takes strength not to but when you commit to not even giving yourself that option, all the thoughts, feelings and emotions that prompt those urges, it forces you to deal with what’s really going on there. Yes, you miss your ex, but if it’s been a while now, maybe it’s more about you needing some kind of validation from someone else? Maybe you need it to feel accepted and still thought of? Maybe you feel the need to make them see what they’ve lost and what they’re missing? Maybe you just want any sort of response so you know they know you exist?
Maybe it’s not even about your ex anymore, but more about fulfilling those needs? If you don’t look at how you can change this and build up that inner self-esteem, it’s likely that the next relationship you go into will follow a similar pattern. You’ll still be craving the validation from someone else.
Sometimes a realisation that comes out of this is that a person’s mood, sense of self and security is historically determined by if the person they’re seeing/dating/in a relationship with texts or calls back, gives them enough attention or says/does the ‘right’ things. I think it’s really important to be able to learn to let go of that attachment. Of course, it’s unrealistic to think that it won’t affect you in any way - especially when you really like someone or feel that it could go somewhere. But it’s about being able to recognise it and not let yourself tumble down the rabbit hole of over-analysing, negative self-talking and obsessing. Being able to detach from that need of looking to someone else to make you feel good or worthy.
Image source http://tofo.me/tag/wordsoflovers
Fear
There are a lot of fears associated with prolonged heartbreak. Fear of abandonment, fear of never finding anyone else or anyone like your ex, fear of being alone, fear of being left behind. But it’s stepping into all these things a little every day and acknowledging them, that will actually help you let go of your past relationship and come through this with a far stronger sense of who you are, what you want and what you need. And with more self-esteem and emotional resilience. It’s not an easy thing to move into all of that, but when you do, things will bit by bit start to change. And when it comes to new relationships, it will also give you far more awareness about what type of person you are looking for.
People often say they don’t feel they’ll be able to trust anyone again after their last relationship. But when you let go of that fear and don’t associate dating/love/relationships with fear of it going wrong, you’re more open, honest and unapologetic about what you want and need. You see (and act on) red flags sooner, you make better choices, you become more aware and you’re far more able to just have fun and go with the flow instead of obsessing about what ‘could go wrong’ and if it’ll ‘be the same as last time’.
One step into those fears every day. It will get easier, I promise.
Well! This was a bit deeper than intended! But I really do hope it will be of help to anyone who is feeling in this place right now.
xx