How to Cope with Unrequited Love

Photo by S. Ruvalcaba on Unsplash

We’ve all been there before. Thoughts of the person we love filling our mind for entire days, wanting to be with someone yet circumstances won’t allow it, or hoping that our feelings for someone are mutual.

Sometimes though, cupid misdirects his aim, and we’re forced to deal with unrequited love when he misses.

If you’ve ever had feelings for someone that weren’t reciprocated, the heartbreak you experience afterward can be all consuming. While rejection (or what we perceive as ‘rejection’) in any form or kind is painful, the truth is that we can’t run from it.

That doesn’t mean we will never get past our experiences. Even though your heart might indeed feel broken, you will move forwards from this. You haven’t been rejected at all. It’s rather a case of misalignment. If you weren’t right for them, it’s also a sign that they weren’t right for you.

You’ve moved past worse experiences than this before and now is the time to tap into that strength that innately, you know resides inside of you. The pain you feel right now is only temporary, and you can move on with the right tools.

Before we get into it, here’s what unrequited love can look like:

-        You’re in love with someone, and they don’t feel the same way

-        You have romantic feelings for someone who only sees you as a friend

-        You still have feelings for your ex, but they’ve moved on

-        You’re in love with someone who is in a different relationship

-        You want to be with someone, but circumstances won’t allow it (they’re your co-worker, live far away or they don’t feel the same)

-        You have romantic feelings for a celebrity or famous person

How to Deal with Unrequited Love

People have different ways of coping with romantic grief, and while the tips I’m sharing are by no means exhaustive, they can help you learn how to deal with unrequited love.

Make Space For Grief

Emotional pain triggers the same part of the brain responsible for physical pain. This is why you feel like you're in actual pain when you’re going through heartbreak. It’s essential to accept your feelings of grief and heartbreak so you can work through them. Healing involves acceptance of what you’re going through. Acceptance then invokes validation of your feelings and the situation.

Through grief and acceptance, you acknowledge all the parts of your experience that were hard and invalidate those that were part of a false narrative. While you’re dealing with some pretty difficult emotions right now, remember that even though this is a memory you will carry, the emotions around it will heal.

Find Other Ways To Fulfil Your Needs

The next question you need to ask yourself is why you were so drawn to this person? What does this teach you about your own needs? To give an example, did being around them make you feel seen and therefore, more confident?

Maybe you needed emotional intimacy, or they had a personality that showed promise in compatibility for some areas of your life such as travel or similar hobbies. The idea of identifying these factors is to pinpoint your needs so you can learn to fulfil them in other ways.

For instance, if you romantised about all the places you would go together, make plans to visit new places, seek out fresh experiences and create memories. You can do this solo, with friends or explore ways to widen your social circles. Moving past unrequited love is about accepting the pain and sadness, but refusing to bathe in it by keeping up the momentum of your life!

Identify and Set Boundaries

When we’re pining for someone, we often end up blurring our boundaries and doing things that don’t align with who we are. For instance, you may ask yourself, “why did I travel 6 hours to see someone who doesn’t feel the same way I do?”

Once you start asking different questions, you might realise that you were most likely fixated on what these people said or did in the past. We become obsessed and feed our obsessions by crossing boundaries instead of starving our obsessions. This is now the time to regain your power and control by focusing on what’s important in this moment – you.  It’s time to take centre stage of your own life!

First, end all communication between yourself and this person. If you were connected on socials, stop following them. If you still have them in your contact list, delete their number. Rather than trying to establish any communication with this person, reach out to family or friends.

Start Or Continue a Hobby

This might seem bland and surface level but we often ignore the activities that define us or make us happy when we’re actively focused on searching for love. We can feel empty when we don’t find it or when that love isn’t reciprocated. Getting back to doing things we love or discovering new ones can be an excellent and positive distraction and a solid, healthy way to rebuild our self-esteem. Through these activities, we learn or remind ourselves what we’re good at, what brings us joy - and potentially meet other people!

Talk About It

You might hear other people suggesting reaching out to the other person and addressing how you feel about them. I really don’t recommend this as deep down you know all you need to know about the dynamic. Other than it being anxiety-inducing, you don’t want to give away your power.

Yes, even if they’re giving you mixed signals, being flirty, or affectionate. If they wanted to be with you, they would. No excuses.

If you tell them how you feel, you’re giving them the opportunity to see the kind of power they held over you. Instead, reach out to a friend you trust and talk to them. You can also try journaling or talking to a professional and and working through your feelings surrounding it. Whoever you choose to talk to or whatever practice you engage in, getting these feelings off your chest will allow you to gain that fresh perspective and accept the reality of the situation.

Ultimately, it’s not our life experiences that define us, but how we choose to respond to different situations and circumstances. So you were in love with someone, and they didn’t or couldn’t reciprocate your feelings. That doesn’t mean that you wasted your love.

It just means they weren’t the right fit for you either. View the experience as a learning opportunity and a chance to go all in on boosting your self-esteem by living your life right now to the absolute full!

How to Build Resilience

One day you’re going about your life, and the next, it feels as if everything is falling apart. Whether it’s a gut-wrenching heartbreak or a devastating event, you are left in the aftermath of what feels like an utter disaster. Your mind, your body, your everyday life, as a result, can seem unbearable. And for a short period of time that’s completely normal. After all, psychological pain is no less than any other form of pain. Therefore, we need to give our minds the time and space to process the hurt. But—we don’t want to stay down too long.

The truth is, we cannot control life. Sometimes, it takes a surprising turn, leaving us to deal with the fallout of it all. If we are ill-equipped, we will struggle to get back up. That may look like dwelling the incident forever, becoming consistently overwhelmed, or turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as co-dependency, alcohol, food - a number of different things. But it can be truly detrimental to one’s wellbeing; hence, the key to ensuring you’ll be able to cope with difficult circumstances is by building resilience.

Resilience is the ability to adapt to challenging situations. It allows you to harness your existing inner strength in the face of adversity and to cope with unpredictable circumstances from a position of power. Below, I have listed concrete steps you can take to build resiliency.

Foster Wellness

It’s so important to lay the foundations for a healthy lifestyle as it will help improve your mental health, physical health, spiritual health and builds resilience. The mind and body are deeply connected, and stress is just as much physical as it is emotional. Thus, balanced nutrition, proper sleep, hydration, and consistent exercise will improve your ability to adapt to stress and reduce the toll of difficult emotions.

On the note of physical health, if you’re keen to look a little more closely into what factors could be impacting how you’re feeling, I highly recommend you checkout letsgetchecked.com. I have used them many times (I don’t like to promote anything I haven’t personally used) to test things such as my hormone health and potential vitamin deficiencies and it’s always proved incredibly helpful to get that extra insight. If you’re keen to try it out, I have a 30% discount code. Just type in LAURAY30 in the discount box upon checkout.

Build your Connections

As a society, we value individuality and overcoming adversity on our own. But research shows that people with a support system manage difficult situations better than those without a support system. If you don’t currently have many connections, that’s ok. Take the time to write down your interests and join various local groups to build your personal community. Surrounding yourself with kind, empathic, supportive people will definitely foster resilience. If you’re really struggling and feeling lost, you can take a look at my one-on-one packages here.

Be Proactive

Personal growth is a challenge for all of us, and it can seem incredibly daunting if you’re just starting out. And that’s ok. Take a deep breath and write down a few realistic goals and do something daily to move towards that goal—even if it seems small.

A few extra resources I’d like to share. If you need a boost, take a look at my 6 Steps to Unshakeable Confidence & Self-Esteem Audio. This audio will encourage you to move towards self-discovery and give you the confidence you need to be proactive in your own journey. If there’s something specific you’re struggling with, consider my Personalised Rewiring Audio Recording, which will be customised to your needs. The purpose of these audio recordings is to support you on a daily basis as consistent practice is proven to build resilience.

Laura x 

Tips for Getting Through Isolation During Coronavirus

Hi there! It’s been a while since I’ve been on the blog and social media as have been focused on working with clients, but after everything that’s been going on in the world, I really wanted to connect with you.

I don’t know about you (I’m sure you feel the same) but living in this time of coronavirus has certainly thrown me through somewhat of a loop. I spent the first few days when things really escalated here in the UK glued to the news to check in on updates and whilst I like to be aware and informed, it ultimately created more overwhelm and anxiety. I’ve therefore detached a little, trying to focus on my wellbeing, not getting too immersed in any of the fear-mongering and planning ahead with a positive mindset. Whilst still being cautious and sensible of course.

One tip I have for you, is to be especially mindful of what media you’re consuming. Whilst we all want to keep on top of the major updates, it’s important to set limits and avoid spending all our time getting too sucked in to the bad news and scary statistics that only serve to fuel anxiety and fear. This goes for social media too - be diligent of how much you’re scrolling and how that’s making you feel. Fill your feed with messages of empowerment, optimism and creativity.

I know we could all do with some positivity and ways to use the time we’re spending in isolation consciously and productively. So, I thought I would share some ideas and resources. All of which I’m implementing myself.

1) Get dressed and ‘ready’ for the day. I’ve been working from home for around 10 years now and I can’t stress how much it improves my day when I put on a good outfit and do my hair and makeup. It changes your physiology and mindset completely.

2) Learn something new. I’m signed up to Duolingo learning Spanish and also signing up for a few courses on Udemy and FutureLearn. Many of these are free. It’s important to keep your brain as engaged as possible and learning something new rewires those old neural pathways.

3) Find creative ways to date! Whilst dating as we knew it is on hold, all is not lost! It’s about getting creative. Set up FaceTime dinner, drink or coffee dates. Take inspiration from Love Is Blind (so addictive right?!) and practice fine-tuning your communication skills to get the most out of conversations. Netflix is also offering a ‘watch together’ feature, meaning people in two different locations can watch the same film or show together.

Here’s someone who has got it right! I love love love this thread on Twitter by Nina Sawetz! https://twitter.com/nina_future/status/1240257957050437632)

(Thanks to Saskia for bringing my attention to this!)

4) How to navigate relationships during the coronavirus. My favourite relationship expert Esther Perel in this NY Times article says that couples will need to be mindful of the different ways in which they process and react to crisis. We can’t deny that all relationships will be tested, and many will come out stronger for that.

5) How to deal with a breakup and reaching out to your ex. The urge to contact your ex might be heightened right now as it’s a particularly triggering time. Ultimately that is an individual choice and there is no right or wrong thing to do. However, I encourage you before you reach out, to carefully assess how this could impact your mental health. The current coronavirus situation doesn’t change what happened or went wrong to cause the breakup. Your ex won’t have changed as a result of it. It’s wise to be even more cautious of contact because if your ex reacts (or doesn’t react) in a way that causes you stress or anxiety, being in self-isolation can exacerbate this feeling. 

Those reasons that led the relationship to break down still exist. Is there a friend or family member that you can talk to instead when you’re tempted to call or text your ex? Someone who can help you see a new perspective? Really try and intercept that old thought pattern and habit and although it feels painful and often heartbreaking, follow up with a different action. This is the only way to truly break the cycle and create the distance you need.

This quiet time that you have although feels uncomfortable, is a chance to really take care of your mental and emotional health when it comes to your ex and to use social distancing to your advantage.

6) Read. Here is my library list over the past year or so. It’s a small portion of what I have read but might give you some inspiration! I’m hugely into psychological thrillers (it appeases my inner criminal psychologist!) and anything by Marian Keyes for soul-soothing humour, but do read non-fiction regularly too. The reason why I mainly opt for fiction is to enable my brain to switch gears and get engrossed in a juicy plot. Some might advise that you steer clear of reading or watching anything that isn’t upbeat but you do YOU!

Some of my top non-fiction books include -:

- The Artist’s Way – Julia Cameron

- The Power of your Subconscious Mind – Dr Joseph Murphy

- Big Magic – Elizabeth Gilbert

- I Love You And I’m Leaving Anyway – Tracy McMillan

- The Four Agreements -  Don Miguel Ruiz

And I have to give the book Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine a mention too. Probably the best book I read in 2019.

7) Rewire and heal. Having this quiet time is a huge opportunity for working through old subconscious beliefs that are negatively impacting your emotional and physical health. Whilst you’re out of your regular routine, it’s an optimal time to start. This week, I’m going to create a free resource for you on the steps you can take to do this!

8) Pamper yourself. At home spa day - yes please! Not only is this soothing but taking care of yourself shows your subconscious that you feel worthy and deserving of feeling good.

9) Laugh! Whilst the coronavirus is something to be taken very seriously, it’s important to find humour in our everyday. Laughing strengthens the immune system and is crucial for wellbeing and vitality. One of my favourite accounts to check out is Jackie Schimmel and her podcast The Bitch Bible. If you’re in the UK, Vic and Bob - especially their old material, are who I turn to when I need a really good laugh (though they’re an acquired humour - you either love ‘em or hate ‘em) and anything by Chris Lilley. I’m rewatching Lunatics right now - again, not for everyone but works for me! Just find something to make you laugh and see how much better you feel - even if it is momentarily.

10) Keep active at home. Here are some of my go-tos -:

PopSugar

Boho Beautiful

Yoga with Adrienne

Georgie Spurling

TIP: If you are loyal to your local yoga/Pilates/fitness class, reach out to your teachers and see if they are offering Zoom or Skype classes. I know many are in my local area.

11) Sign up for a challenge. There are some lovely art focused ones here -:

https://mymodernmet.com/coronavirus-quarantine-art-club/

A nice writing one here -:

https://www.scribendi.com/advice/30_day_writing_challenge.en.html

And a mindfulness one here -:

https://mindfulnessexercises.com/free-online-mindfulness-courses/28-day-mindfulness-challenge/

Mend also has some fantastic online classes that I highly recommend: https://classes.letsmend.com/

12) Sort out your wardrobe. Prepare for your comeback in style! Clearing out your wardrobe and committing to only keeping things that you feel fantastic in and that fit you, will help remove any stagnancy you feel in this area. None of us are going to be out socialising much or probably buying as many clothes so it’s also a nice way to experiment with styling your existing pieces differently. I love Lauryn Messiah on IG and Laura Blair on YouTube for style tips!

13) To Watch. Take some time to watch this YouTube video with Aubrey Marcus and Joe Dispenza on creating the future you want. It’s powerful.

14) Take care of YOU. I bet there’s been a time in your life where you craved time alone, to be able to operate in your day to day with a slower pace? Now is that time. Everyone is in the same boat so there’s no FOMO to be had and it really is an opportunity to focus on you and all pillars of your health. Rest, recuperate, recharge, eat well, hydrate, meditate, journal, set up that business, retrain your brain to change the old ‘DVD’, connect with loved ones via Skype or FaceTime, workout, sleep and get things done that will lead to a sense of accomplishment.

If you need extra support, I’m offering discounts on my 1:1 coaching during this time of self-isolation, so please reach out to me on laurayatescoaching@gmail.com and we can talk it through.

It’s all going to be ok and try to keep in mind that this is temporary. It will get better. For now, let’s do what we can with what we have.

Please do share any tips you have in the comments! Let’s all be there for each other.

Love,

Laura x

How to Deal with Heartbreak (And Rewire Your Thoughts) this Christmas

The holidays are a time of year that can be particularly triggering after heartbreak. It’s why we see so many articles and posts floating around the internet with titles including ‘How to Survive Christmas After a Breakup’ or ‘How to Make the Most of Being Single at Christmas’. Don’t get me wrong, there is often good advice and wisdom shared in such articles (I probably wrote something similar years ago!), but as my work is all about reprogramming, my aim with this is to hopefully shed a different light on it. 

There is nothing about Christmas that you need to ‘survive’ 

First of all, it’s about removing words like ‘survive’ out of your vocabulary. If you’re seeing yourself at a disadvantage because you happen to be single at Christmas, you’re setting yourself up for failure from the get-go. It isn’t about refusing to acknowledge that you might be hurting or feeling lonely at times. It’s about choosing how you view where you are right now. It isn’t something to be survived because the immediate association with that is pain and struggle.

Something that you can choose instead, is to reframe it to ‘How can I thrive this Christmas?’

Given everything that you’re feeling and going through right now, what do you need to thrive? What do you need to feel good? I like to work across 4 pillars; our emotional health, spiritual health, mental health and physical health. What do you need to tend to these 4 areas? These can be things like making sure you’re spending some time with friends and family and challenging yourself to get into the spirit of the holiday. It can also be ensuring you’re taking time to be grateful for everything and everyone you have around you. It could be being mindful that you’re still moving your body, hydrating and eating well. Really, it’s about committing to yourself (not your ex – you!) and making that choice every single day - Christmas or not. 

You are not defined by your relationship

It’s also important to remember that your relationship status doesn’t define you. We’re somehow programmed to believe that if we’re not in a relationship, we don’t get to enjoy occasions like holidays as much as everyone else (thanks to all those Christmas films right?!). It’s time to dismantle that old belief and to know that you are worthy of fun, enjoyment and happiness regardless of whether you’re in a relationship or not. It’s about really tuning into your thoughts and identifying those subconscious beliefs. Be mindful of how much attention you’re paying them because what you dwell on only expands.

Set Your Boundaries

An area that has also come up with clients recently, is the pressure we can be subject to from family and friends. This is a good way to work your boundary muscle and to know that the only expectations that really matter are your own - and ones that feel truly aligned and not from a place of ‘should’. If you feel under pressure to talk about your relationship status or dating life, you have to power to steer that conversation in a way that is honest and brings a sense of calm.

One client of mine who has busted through so many blocks when it comes to her sense of self and relationships over the past few months, has really felt the pressure in the past and was nervous about her annual Christmas meal with friends. Typically they press her for dating ‘stories’ and information - you know how it goes! She graciously navigated this by explaining that although a relationship is something she wants in the future, right now, her main priority is her own happiness and emotional wellbeing. She explained that yes, she is dating but her relationship status isn’t the nucleus of her life – because it isn’t. There’s no drama or crazy stories and she’s finding new joy with it by just going with the flow.

She did this from a place of true honesty and it encouraged authentic conversations with her friends – who were also curious about the magnetism they’ve noticed she’s exuding lately!

The result was that she felt relaxed, at ease and enjoyed the evening so much more!

What makes you happy?

Your main focus this Christmas is finding what makes you happy. This is true whatever the time of year. If you are looking to date, get out there and date! But don’t do it from a place of fear, pressure or because your ex is. If you want a relationship in 2020, this is great! But instead of believing it’s all about the right app, events and strategies (this is really just 5% of the equation), make a new commitment to yourself first. Work on your subconscious beliefs because we can only get what we want when we truly address what’s going on beneath the surface.

When we figure out what type of shadow is impacting our sense of self, self-worth and habits in relationships and start taking different actions, that’s when everything changes. You will be amazed at the people, love and experiences that start to show up in your life. You radiate a sense of magnetism - relationship or not.

Relax as much as you can and know that Christmas really, is just a time of year. Enjoy it for what it is and believe that when you make that true commitment to yourself, there is so much ahead for you in 2020!

I for one am sending you so much love over the holidays. I also just want to thank you all as always, for your support, comments and DMs - it is appreciated so very much and I am grateful for each and every one of you. I have so much great content in the works for you ready to launch next year and am excited about what it’s going to bring!

Laura x

7 Ways to Rewire Your Thoughts and Change Your Life After Heartbreak

Photo by Lucas Sankey on Unsplash

Learning how to rewire my thoughts and subconscious has been absolutely instrumental in healing from heartbreak.

Think of rewiring like reprogramming. Many of us believe that we’re inherently destined for a certain outcome or way of being. We might have thoughts and beliefs such as:

‘I always attract the wrong people’

‘I’ll never get over my ex’

‘I’ll never be good enough’

What’s important to know, is that no matter who you are, what you’ve been through and how you feel right now, those thought loops, those ways of existing can be changed. The reason it feels so part of you; so engrained, is because that old ‘DVD’ has been playing for months or probably years.

Past traumas or events - such as a devastating breakup, have created memories - conscious and subconscious, which have imprinted themselves in your brain, body and nervous system. That’s why it can feel impossible to move on from because they all feel like an innate part of you.

Here are 7 ways to break that cycle and finally find your way to emotional freedom and happiness.

1) Trust that you can heal

Right now, you might feel sceptical that things can change. Uncertain that you’ll ever get over your ex, that you can move on from this heartbreak. I get it, I’ve been there. But you need to focus on the small part of you that believes things can change - that you can move on and find happiness. The very fact that you’re on this page, reading this right now, means you are open to it. That is the first part of rewiring. To let go, have faith and trust. Hold onto that because it provides the gateway for your healing to begin!

2) Know that you don’t need your ex (or anyone) for closure

You might feel that to make everything better, all you need is your ex to come back. Or for them to apologise and give you answers and explanations. To give you closure. When your happiness and freedom is bound so rigidly to the actions of someone else, this keeps you trapped emotionally, physically and mentally.

I’m here to tell you – as a fact, that you have the power to create that closure right now for yourself. Your ex doesn’t hold the key to your happiness, your self-worth and value. You have to be willing to look far deeper than that - within yourself, and although it’s hard and it hurts, it’s such a beautiful lesson because it enables us to know how to always take responsibility for our own life and happiness.

3) Shock your system 

When your body, brain and heart is so entrenched in heartbreak, you need to shake up your routine and old habits (the ones that aren’t helping you at least). The reason for this goes far beyond the surface level of giving yourself new distractions just for the sake of keeping busy. The purpose, is to rewire those old neural pathways, which shocks the body and brain and offers it something else to focus its attention on.

If you get up at a specific time and immediately dwell on those thoughts that just won’t dissipate, try waking up a little earlier, get out of bed the other side and do something different than you usually do. Dry body brush and get your lymphatic system going, do some meditation, read or get your clothes on before you even have time to lay in bed and ruminate and go for a walk. Intentionally make a new choice.

Whenever we feel stuck and stagnant, we need to give ourselves a new task to focus on. Some people even do things like learning to write with their left hand if they’re right-handed.

For me, when I understood the science behind creating new routines from a neural plasticity perspective, it really helped motivate me to put these changes in action. It’s all about overriding that old ‘heartbreak DVD’ with a new one that supports this next phase of moving forwards.

4) Learn to expand your self-worth

When we’re so engulfed in heartbreak, it can completely strip our self-worth. Heartbreak can also trigger old wounds from our past and even childhood. The memory can act as a catalyst for past memories that we might have buried. Part of truly overcoming those is to find ways to expand on how we value ourselves. Look back on your relationship and life history and really get honest with yourself. Have you accepted people and situations where you were left feeling undervalued? Have you tried to gain validation by compromising your own needs and becoming a person you don’t even know? Has there been co-dependence at play?

This is why rewiring isn’t about ‘thinking positive’. To truly change - and to change for the long-term, we have to be brave and step out of character.

Your job now, is to give yourself what you needed when you didn’t receive it from your ex, a family member, a co-worker or anyone who has had an impact in your life. You have to value and treat yourself like you want to be treated by another person. You might not feel worthy of it, but stepping up for yourself right now at your lowest, in the way you might wish your ex would, is the only way to create a noticeable shift. It takes you from victim to victor and I assure you, it changes every aspect of your life.

5) Visualise

Like meditation we hear a lot about visualisation. But here’s the thing; the brain doesn’t know the difference between what’s real and what you are imagining - when you’re at the stage of really feeling into the visualisation. Something I did during heartbreak (and do now for other aspects of my life), was to spend time every day visualising how it would feel to be happy. What would I be doing, who would I be spending time with, what kind of places would I visit, what would my friendships be like, what would my work be like, how would my health be? How would it feel to be free of the shackles of checking my phone 24/7 and sleepless nights?

In your visualisation, imagine what kind of person would you be if you were fully healed. How would you go about your day, who you would surround yourself with, what choices would you make, what boundaries would you have and act on?

The more consistently you do this, the more that feeling that you create during the visualisation starts to shift and seep into your everyday. I assure you, although this sounds a bit ‘fluffy’, don’t underestimate its power!

6) Find something greater than yourself

Whenever I've felt at my most vulnerable, broken and unsure, finding meaning in something bigger than myself is always what has seen me through. It's why I get so much fulfilment through this blog, my work as a coach and getting to connect with you all every day.

It's easy to get absorbed in our own stuff. An instant way to shake ourselves out of that, even for a few minutes, is to do one small thing to help someone else. Or to connect with someone else. Or to find a portal that gives us some kind of bigger meaning outside of our own problems. To get curious about the world, to try something different.

Don't wait until you feel completely healed, happy or whole. Do it now, because it will assure you that no matter where you are or what you're going through, you still matter, you still have impact and you have so much unique value in the world. It's then that you will start to feel healed, happy and whole.

When you can find something - anything, outside of yourself, you always know that whatever happens, you're going to be ok.

7) Intercept the thought loop

When you feel those all too familiar thoughts that send you plummeting, stop them in their tracks by literally saying to yourself “Stop”.

Notice the thought, don’t judge it. Just observe it and recognise it as that old thought that served you at one point maybe, but now you’re exhausted by. Choose a new thought that’s a few notches above that old one on the emotional scale.

As an example, the old thought could be:

‘It’s so unfair fair that he/she has moved on so quickly. Why do they get to be so happy and I’m the one still heartbroken??!!’

 The new one could be:

‘They’ve moved on and I don’t feel great about it. But I know the more I dwell on that the more I’m keeping myself stuck. I know that I have to take full responsibility for how I move forwards now. It has nothing to do with my ex and I can at least feel good about knowing that I have the power to change.’

That might be a bit long-winded but you can see where I’m going with it! The more you take inventory of those old thoughts that tempt you back into that dark, stagnant place and choose new ones that support you moving on, the more you will rewire that old DVD.

I really hope you’ve found these tips helpful. I’ll end by sharing a quote by one of my biggest inspirations Dr. Joe Dispenza, which perfectly summarises what this post is about.

“To change is to think greater than how we feel. To change is to act greater than the familiar feelings of the memorized self.” 

Let me know if you put these tips into practice! I’d love to hear.

Love,

Laura x

If you are interested in taking this work further, I work privately with people 1:1 and within that, I create powerful guided reprogramming audios tailored to what you’re going through. If you would like to work with me on a bespoke basis you can get in touch here or book here.  

How to Bounce Back From Being Cheated On

I’ve been asked a few times to write a post on this topic. How to cope with being cheated on.

I will share a quote from an email I received that very accurately represents how it feels when in this situation:

“You end up feeling stupid and naive and wondering over and over how and why you didn't see it coming....even though you couldn't have (seen it coming I mean) and it could have happened to anyone. Despite that, you still feel stupid for having been taking advantage of. That pretty much sums up how I feel about being cheated on.”

Being cheated on, lied to or betrayal in any form, is so hard to move on from because it means we question everything about ourselves and our own judgement.

After all, we allowed ourselves to trust, maybe even allowed ourselves to feel good. To feel happy. We went all in with this person and the cheating or dishonesty is only evidence to show that we can never let our guard down again. We can never allow ourselves to feel happy again. We can never trust again.

That’s a scary potential fate to face. It’s probably the hardest part about getting over being cheated on.

First of all, it’s important to know that cheating or any kind of abuse of trust in a relationship can happen to anyone. We can get blindsided. There are times when we just don’t see it coming.

People who feel the need to cheat often have pre-existing issues that cause them to do this. There can be so many reasons - the need for validation, a lack of emotional maturity, commitment issues - the list goes on. Cheating is often rooted in deep insecurity.

I’m not making excuses for it, and it sounds somewhat stoic but taking a more stoic approach can really help in this kind of situation. It’s almost like we have to take the emotion out of it - even for just a few moments and see the true picture for what it is.

Those issues have absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with the other person. It’s merely just an indication of their capacity to function in a healthy relationship. It doesn’t make you less worthy, less attractive, less intelligent, less deserving or less valuable as a person. It also doesn’t make you a victim.

It isn’t your fault that this happened. Let go of that idea.

However, how you choose to see it now and where you go from here is 100% your responsibility.

I’m a huge believe in the idea of ‘like attracts like’. In short, you get what you put out there. If someone cheated on you, that’s the level they’re playing at and what they deserve in return at this moment.

If you went all in and were able to hold the space for a healthy, loving, respectful relationship with that person, you’re just on a different level. I don’t mean that to sound like you’re a ‘better’ person as that’s not what it’s about; we all have our own pathways to become the best person we can. And it’s mostly ongoing. Your ex (or whoever this person was) just wasn’t on that same frequency as you.

You deserve for your attention and your energy to be matched. Only when you do the re-wiring to believe that and embody it in your thoughts and actions though, will that be reflected back to you.

(It doesn’t mean that you have to go and find a new relationship now if you don’t feel ready to. Getting over being cheated on takes healing and time. That’s more than ok and to be honoured. But don’t spend any more time dwelling on judging yourself and investing emotions into thinking about the other person and why they did what they did.)

Again, I know that sounds so simple but don’t you think that when you frame it that way and see it for what it is, it instantly elevates you from feeling like a victim to someone who holds way more power than they thought?

To keep reminding yourself of that perspective is a practice you have to keep repeating consistently if you’re struggling to get over being cheated on. It’s like you have to rewire your brain and your thoughts until it seeps into your belief system.

Oftentimes (and when I speak to clients this is usually the case), there’s a part of them that knew something was up. There was that little, very subtle niggle that was overlooked. Excuses were made and things were let slide.

This betrayal is therefore a blessing (I know, I know – I used to roll my eyes too when I heard that but hear me on this!) because although you’re suffering the hurt and emotional aftermath, it can teach you that your gut instinct knows what’s up! Sometimes we have to face these lessons that force us to trust in our inner knowing a hell of a lot more.

Again, knowing this puts us in a place of power and it can hopefully teach us to act on those instincts next time a similar situation might arise. In love, life and relationships.

The worst thing we can do is become bitter after betrayal. To become closed, cold, wary and cut off. If you’re feeling hurt in this moment and really don’t know what to do, show that same love, kindness and compassion that you invested into this past relationship into someone or something else. A friend, family member, loved one or just someone in need. Maybe a cause that means something to you. When you feel that sense of deep, sincere gratitude from someone else or something else, it instantly reminds you to stay on the path of who you are. It reminds you that it’s ok to feel happiness and that you don’t have to question yourself.

You’re not broken - far from it my friend :)

I hope you found value in this post and would love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

I also just wanted to add, as you can probably tell from my posts, I’m a big fan of the power of neural rewiring techniques, practices and exercises to help heal from heartbreak and move through blocks. To cut through those negative thought loops that can keep us hung up on an ex and unable to move on.

I’ve been cultivating my own system for years and it’s had profound affects for me and also my private 1:1 clients. I’ve just launched a new way to work with me so you can experience these incredible shifts too.

Click below to find out more!

Love,

Laura x

PS You can listen to my podcast episode about cheating here.

How to Make Online Dating Fun

Photo by Kiwihug on Unsplash

•This is a guest post

There’s no denying it – online dating can feel like somewhat of a slog. Endless dates that don’t go anywhere, ghosting (although to be fair – that happens with offline dating too!), never being sure if the person’s profile is aligned to their real life persona, never even getting to the stage where you meet the person face-to-face!

Many people can feel like it’s a waste of time and become despondent.

So, this guest post is designed to get straight to the point on how to approach online dating with a curious and explorative mindset. Ultimately, how to make it as stress free and fun as possible!

Let’s get straight on with the tips.

 ●      Don’t Knock It Until You’re Sure

Don’t let anyone peer pressure you into signing up for any dating sites. I was told by friends a long time ago to sign up for a site because they thought I needed it and honestly, I didn’t feel the need for it then at all. So, don’t let anyone force you into signing up because if you aren’t interested, you will get bored soon and wonder why it’s not working. Get into the proper headspace before jumping on this ship because if you lose interest, the whole fun part of online dating is missing.

●      Work on Your Profile

The profile is everything, and you have to work on it since first impressions are everything. If you need some help, you can go through this best tinder bios article and you can use it on your profile on any online dating app.

Use a good photo, choose the right words for your bio and keep it interesting because after all, people will like you only when that bio catches their eye.

Keep your bio concise but interesting, and perhaps consider spending a little extra cash on getting the perfect photos - first impressions are everything. I mention my interests and hobbies in my bio because sometimes, these little details can start some great conversations.

●      Don’t Be Dishonest

Your bio has to contain the truth, if not the whole of it, then some of it, and lying is a strict no-no, on your end and theirs. I remember going on a date with a guy who said he liked Games of Thrones, and I was excited since I’m a fan and I thought this date would be fun and we could discuss some common fan theories. But turns out, he lied on his bio and thought he’d be interesting if he said so on his profile.

Now, I know this isn’t a big lie and not watching a popular show isn’t a huge deal breaker, but he didn’t have to lie to look interesting to people and then get caught in his lie—no one likes that.

●      Have Fun with Your Profile

That been said, don’t forget to keep your bio fun, after all, who likes reading a boring profile? Don’t just say, “Hi, I am Miley, I am 25 and I work as a banker”, it is so dull and it doesn’t even say who you are properly! Show some personality, show your fun side, mention your interest and even if it’s a quirky interest, who knows who might be attracted by that?

Don’t be too serious, you’re here to have fun, and I did learn this the hard way when I realized my brief, dry description wasn’t getting me any likes, and soon as I switched it up, I got to talk with some really cool people.

●      Indulge Your Curiosity

You can’t be afraid of stepping out of your comfort zone every now and then. If someone looks interesting, even though if you think they aren’t your type, you don’t know how the date will end. I remember going on a date with this guy who collected vintage movie posters and did you know that Alfred Hitchcock’s Vertigo movie poster had hand-drawn typography inspired by German movies from the 20s? As an art enthusiast and mystery movie lover, this tidbit of information led to a second date at a screening of Vertigo that I enjoyed very much.

I’m not a classic movie person much, but now I have bookmarked Casablanca and I can’t wait to watch it.

●      Know What You Want

This is so crucial; you need to know what you want. You need to establish your boundaries and you need to let people know what your limits are as well. My teenage years were over, so now in my thirties, I knew what I wanted and most importantly, I knew what I didn’t want. This saved me a lot of trouble, I could understand right away which conversations weren’t happening and which dates won’t lead to anything else. I was here to have fun, but that didn’t mean that I couldn’t pick and choose.

●      Learn to Handle Rejections

Rejection sucks, there are no two ways around it and I feel like it doesn’t stop stinging like a something spicy getting in your eye. You pretend it doesn’t bother you, but it does and no amount of cold water washes it away, but you learn to handle it. You have to learn how to handle it because as the old saying goes, there’s plenty of fish in the sea.

 Things can be a huge hit or miss when you start online dating and there will be good days, good dates and then there will be dates that will be the fodder for stories to share with your friends at three in the morning. Maybe, try it out and you never know - the outcome might surprise you! Remember, mindset is everything.

Why I've Scrapped the Dating Rulebook (Guest Post)

Photo by Ben Mater on Unsplash

I’m so excited to bring you this guest post - and how this came about is exactly why I love the internet!

A few months ago, I received a Facebook message from the author of this post, Jen. Jen so kindly expressed how much my work had resonated with her post-breakup and once we got chatting, it turned out she lives just up the road from me! So of course, we had to meet for coffee!

Jen has her own blog here (which you HAVE to read and bookmark!) and I absolutely loved the couple of hours that we spent together on that Sunday afternoon we met.

Jen is compassionate, fun, intelligent and on such an exciting path following her last breakup. She also radiates a beautiful healing quality. We had tons in common (there aren’t many people I can geek out about Human Design with!) and I knew I had to ask her to write a guest post.

From reading her blog and getting to know Jen, it was clear that her experience and insight will resonate with so many of you.

Jen decided to write about dating after a breakup and I love the wisdom she shares in the piece.

I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did.

Thank you so much Jen 💖

Why I've Scrapped the Dating Rulebook

Dating can disarm and debilitate even the most rational and secure of us, sometimes leaving us feeling downright insane. And when our hearts are still hurting, we can easily find ourselves overwhelmed with emotions, doubting our decisions, and questioning whether we'll ever be ready to move on.

Once I started dating after my breakup, it wasn’t long until I found myself re-enacting the same predictable patterns of behaviour that had left me heartbroken and hating myself more times than I could count. But when I really took the time to reflect on my destructive thoughts, to identify my innate habits, and to recognise my deep-rooted fears and beliefs, I realised that my lack of romantic success had had nothing to do with being unlucky in love, and everything to do with being unconscious in love.

For years, I'd been compelled by a complex cumulation of historic hardwiring and past programming that had me using my relationships as a means of righting my wrongs, fixing my unhealed wounds, and filling my empty spaces.

I'd been so caught up in seeking external validation, so consumed with trying to master the art of playing hard to get, and so intent on finding 'the one' that I'd been failing to acknowledge my own needs in the process.

With a bottomless pit of dating advice never more than a click away, it's no wonder that we often spend so much time obsessing over the 'dos and don'ts' of dating. But if we allow our love lives to be dictated by a set of predefined rules designed to get someone’s attention, to make someone like us, or to keep someone interested, we’re never going to find what we’re looking for.

Because dating isn't about playing games. It’s about being curious. Curious about getting to know ourselves and another person. Curious about finding what works for us and what doesn’t. Curious about what we want and what we don’t. And curious about how to love ourselves, how to trust ourselves, and how to be ourselves.

What about if, instead of trying to get someone else to like us, we learned how to like ourselves? What about if, instead of trying to make someone else happy, we learned how to make ourselves happy? And what about if, instead of trying to play by the rules, we stopped playing altogether?

So it's time to do things differently. It's time to scrap the rulebook that's done nothing but let us down, to drop the dating advice that's done nothing but diminish our sense of self, and rewire the thought patterns that've done nothing but damage our wellbeing.

It's time to shift our definition of success away from finding 'the one', and back to being at peace with who we are, what we are, and where we are.

Because all we really need to be successful are these three simple promises. And, unlike the conventional guidelines around dating, these promises are for our happiness, and ours only.

1.     I promise to love myself.

For me, loving myself means putting myself first. It means creating healthy boundaries and sticking to them. And, most importantly, it means staying grounded in reality when confronted with the all-too-tempting black hole of fantasy and obsession.

So if you find yourself teetering on a cliff-edge, one misstep away from plummeting into the dark and dangerous depths of infatuation, bring yourself back to the present. Take a look around at what you already have. Don’t ditch your stable ground in favour of the murky and turbulent waters of a temporary escape. Because the climb back up is long and laborious, and who knows if those things that you left behind will still be waiting for you when you eventually return?

2. I promise to trust myself.

For most of my romantic life, I ordinarily and obediently overlooked the questionable behaviour of potential partners, convinced that their dismissiveness or disrespect was a reflection of their mood, rather than their character. Time and time again, I brushed off the sour crumbs left in their wake, and swept them neatly underneath the rug, never to be seen again. Or so I thought.

But the problem with living in denial is that those easily-ignorable pink flags eventually mutate into conspicuous and unavoidable blood-red canvases. And by the time they do, it’s too late. We’re already too invested in the fantasy. Too dazzled by the shiny newness. Too blinkered by our animal attachment drives. Too hooked on the delicious poison poured in through the holes created when our walls were torn down and our hearts cracked open.

So if you find yourself engaged in a painstaking war of the head vs. the heart - don’t listen to either. Instead, tune in to your inner wisdom. Connect with that omniscient knowing that resides deep within your gut. Trust your intuition. It’s there for a reason.

3. I promise to be myself.

As long as we’re always trying to hide, change, or conceal the parts of us that we don’t like, we’re never going to find someone who loves us for us. And we are lovable, exactly the way we are. Our mess is lovable. Our flaws are lovable. Our insecurities are lovable.

We are all achingly imperfect, devastatingly complex, yet beautifully unique. We are all human. And our anxieties, aspirations and afflictions - they make us who we are.

So embrace your quirks, your fears, your wounds. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Stay true to yourself and your values. Be unapologetically, unashamedly, authentically YOU.

And if someone doesn’t like you? Then they’re not for you.

Why Won’t They Fight For Me?

Photo by Hunter Newton on Unsplash

This question comes up a lot in the messages I receive from people. They’ve come out of a breakup and typically, their ex was the one who maybe cheated or was engaging in behaviour that was disrespectful in some way. The person messaging me is the one who seemed to make all the compromises, sacrifices and bended their boundaries big time to try and make the relationship work.

The breakup happens and the person who acted in ways that hurt the other has now descended into victim mentality, wants to give up, even if the other person was willing to forgive and fight for the relationship.

 “What gives? Why won’t that person fight for me when I was willing to let go and forgive to save this relationship?!”

Although logically and intellectually we know that this kind of emotional dynamic isn’t one that will end well, on an emotional level it still hurts to know our ex doesn’t want to fight for us. It seems unfair and like we’ve completely lost control. We want to be the one who walks away with our crown in place and head held high but it feels like the only way we can feel valued is if our ex says ‘I want to fight for you, I’ll do anything it takes.’

When what they say is the opposite, or if they seem defeated, want to walk away and decline our offer of forgiveness, it hurts. 

What you always need to come back to is if the trust has gone on some level, no amount of ‘fighting’ will be able to erase that. Whilst relationships take work, communication and compromise, the need to ‘fight’ for a relationship is a huge red flag in itself. I think the idea of it has been glamorised in films, romantic novels and TV but in reality, there are too many people in the world out there who you can find a much more harmonious relationship with. It won’t be like a fight. It might not feel it now because you had so much pinned on that person and that relationship but that doesn’t mean you should need to fight to make it work, if it’s already broken. 

After a breakup, we also don’t have a clear perspective of the difference between what we want and what is good for us. They are two different things. When we’re so emotionally attached to someone, we think we might want to forgive and forget because we’re reacting from a place of heightened emotion. We’ll do anything to keep that person even if it means going way against our values and boundaries. The only way to see what is good for us on a soul level, is to create that emotional distance.

The remains of a relationship can’t be rebuilt on quicksand. If you’re not both in it with all your heart after both taking time to reflect and get perspective in a healthy way, your only choice is to walk. 

If the person who has cheated or done wrong in some way has lost the will to continue the relationship - whether they’re in denial or even if they do regret their behaviour, this is your green light to exit once and for all. That’s all you need to know.

Although it’s devastating when this happens and of course, our confidence can plummet because it feels so personal, you have to keep looking at the long-term, bigger picture.

Whilst you are in those raw times of hurt, sadness and feeling like you deserve more, have things like journaling, EFT (tapping), a support network and doing things that make you feel grounded and nurtured in place. But always be thinking of the future you who will be thriving when this period ends. Know that although it feels sh** now, you walked away from something with grace and dignity; knowing what is best for your highest self, even if you had to suffer the hurt in the short-term. 

Not fighting for someone or a relationship isn’t about fairness and it’s not about thinking we deserve it if we’ve put all the effort in. It’s awful when we’re cheated on and it’s natural to take it personally but when we look at it like a transaction e.g. I was the one cheated on, I’m willing to forgive so therefore I deserve to be fought for, it becomes more about our ego and needing that person to validate us rather than stepping out into the unknown and learning how to validate ourselves.

That is what you truly deserve - to set yourself free to live your life in alignment with your values and when you feel ready, find someone who you won’t have to fight for, who won’t engage in behaviour that compromises your boundaries. To be with someone that, you know, it feels a lot easier with and who you feel loved by and valued by 100% of the time! 

Walking away from something and someone that isn’t right will give you so much more self-worth than trying to be fought for by someone whose heart just isn’t in it. Or in a relationship dynamic that is broken and one-sided.

When your ex doesn’t give you what you feel you need, it’s the best lesson you can enrol in when it comes to confidence and self-love. Because you can learn how to give that to yourself. And that makes you truly unstoppable.  

Laura xx