Can you Stay Friends with an Ex?

I was asked to provide some comments on this earlier this week for an article for the Mail Online (you can read that here) so thought it might also make a useful post. There’s usually a lot in the press about celebrity couples who break up and manage to stay friends but can that happen to those of us regular folk? Obviously the celebs don’t have the financial pressures that many of us experience, which can be a huge added stress when we break up with someone. The rich and famous also have the media exposure to think about and what impact a split will have on their children, family and business profiles and empires. But even if they put on a united front for the cameras for all of those reasons, I’m sure it’s not always as simple as that. As Matthew Hussey very rightly said at his event at the 02 a couple of weeks ago “love is the ultimate equaliser”.

If you’re heartbroken no amount of wealth, power or possessions can change or help that.

But I’m sure there are celebrities who have managed to genuinely stay friends. When I think back to some of my exes, being friends with them now would be fine as in a relationship we were just incompatible or not really that serious. There were less feelings involved and certainly no heartbreak. But the relationships that did end badly, sadly or in heartbreak, I really don’t think friendship would ever be possible. Being pleasant and a conversation, maybe. But not being friends.

It’s always circumstantial though regardless of your relationship or whether you’re a celebrity or not. Sometimes if a relationship has run its course and a good amount of time after the break-up has passed, it can be possible to stay friends. It certainly is rare though and not always healthy. But I think if both people were unhappy in the relationship for no specific reason and therefore there’s no animosity, over time, friendship can happen. And where children are concerned that’s a major factor. But what I’m talking about more here is whether it’s genuinely possible to stay friends with your ex, not whether it makes like easier for the kids.

I think if you are going to be friends with your ex, here are some things to think about -:

1) Make sure you’ve had a long period of time apart with no contact

After a break-up, emotions are heightened. You need that physical and emotional distance from one another to get perspective of how things are in reality. When you first break up, you will likely miss your ex and might want to stay in contact but it’s crucial that you both have time apart. Friendship is not the priority. Distance will clear any clouded judgement and enable you to heal emotionally, focus on your yourself and your own life and figure out what you want and need.

2) It has to be mutual

Both people have to be fully over the relationship for friendship to work. If you’re using the smokescreen of ‘staying friends’ as a way of keeping your ex around in hope of something more developing again, this will only create more hurt, upset and probably some sort of crazy behaviour! It will prolong the initial pain of the break-up and you definitely don’t want your ex to be friends with you because they feel sorry for you or worried you’ll stalk them to death if they say they don’t want to! Only be friends if you are both really over it and be honest with yourself on that. Same if it’s the other way around too. If you know your ex isn’t over you, don’t be friends as it will only cause them more heartache.

3) Keep things neutral and have boundaries

When you’ve been in a relationship with someone in the past, even if you don’t feel those kind of feelings now, you once did and there’s always going to be a fine line. So if you are going to stay friends, don’t start asking too many personal questions or having any ‘deep and meaningful’ chats. Keep it light, don’t spend too much time together and don’t get overly involved in each other’s lives. Keep things friendly but to a minimum.

4) Be willing to forget the past

You can’t genuinely be friends whilst still refusing to let go of old bad feelings associated with your ex and the split. If you can’t get over it or still harness bad feelings towards them (no matter how much you pretend you don’t!) you can’t be friends.

5) Make sure you’re able to accept that they will find a new partner.

Even if it hasn’t happened yet, it will do at some point in the future. So you need to ask yourself when that does happen, can you really be friends with them knowing they’re going home to someone else? How is that really going to make you feel? Jealous, hurt, angry, rejected? If you think you might feel even a twinge of any of these, friendship is going to be a no go.

I think the most important thing to think about is if your ex is your ex, why would you want to be friends with them? The foundation of a good relationship should surely be about friendship so if it didn’t work, what can you really offer each other by staying friends? Why is it so important to you? The harsh reality is that it’s unlikely that you both feel the same way and so at least one of you could end up getting hurt. It’s far easier to stick to friendship with people who you haven’t broken up with!

I’m sure there are many viewpoints on this and I’d love to hear yours if you have any more on this one?