Posts Tagged ‘single’

Anxiety about being Single in your 30’s?

dating-anxiety

Image courtesy of visionpsychology.com

I was talking to a guy friend recently and the conversation turned to relationships, dating in your 30’s and how things become a little different. I know when I came out of my last relationship, I definitely felt that pressure of now being single in my 30’s when everyone around me seemed to be doing the marriage, babies and settling thing. (Even as a coach, I get the same niggling insecurities, believe me!). He was saying how now he’s had a couple of years single after his last relationship and knows he wants the marriage, kids and feels that pressure too, but is scared that he hasn’t sorted himself out enough to offer that to someone. So he’s resisting and holding back, yet still knows he wants it and isn’t sure how to bridge that gap.

We’re complicated creatures aren’t we!

The thing is, dating at whatever age should ultimately be an opportunity to meet new people, have new experiences and figure out what you want/don’t want.

But tell that to someone who is desperate to settle down and feeling the pressure; it’s not exactly the ideal piece of advice they want to hear! Things are shifting in my own life at the moment and it’s made me think about this - relationships, what I really want and as someone who has felt that slight anxiety at times about being single in my 30’s, here are a few things I’ve learned.

It really does start with you

Anxieties about relationships can reveal a lot about other things. We can look to finding the perfect relationship to fix the other stuff going on in life - the things we feel we lack or the things that aren’t working for us. My friend just mentioned is unhappy in his job and feels stuck. It’s not a great feeling for him but because he’s become so aware of it, it’s made him realise that perhaps that’s why he’s scared to let someone else into his life. His view is that he’s not the best man he can be whilst he’s so unhappy with a major part of his life. I think that makes total sense.

I’m not saying that once he finds a better job, the relationship will all of a sudden click into place, but he’ll be a lot happier and therefore putting out a different vibe. Being around someone who hates their job (especially someone who isn’t doing anything to change that) can be a real energy suck and just isn’t attractive, so if something in your life isn’t working - be it your work/career, lifestyle, habits and so on, you have to get yourself into gear and do what you can to change it. It will very likely alter your approach and attitudes to relationships and dating. And in your 30’s…..well this is the time to get to the core of all of this and take responsibility!

Comparing is pointless

Yep, another one I’m sometimes guilty of doing! It’s true, many of my friends are married, have kids and all that. And you know, when your friends tell you ‘how amazing’ their husbands are or when you’re supposed to be out for drinks, the conversation never fails to turn to an account of their baby getting it’s first tooth, the endless pictures etc…you smile and make all the right noises, but really it’s irritating you or killing you because you can’t relate to that (and maybe want to). Plus you’ve probably had the digital lowdown on Facebook already and seen the same pictures tagged ‘amazing weekend with my gorgeous little family’, which doesn’t help in the throws of comparison either.

But you know what, I have just as many friends who are single too. A few are in mediocre relationships because that’s safer for them. And a handful are in the process of, or have gotten divorced. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather take my time and wait for the right person than go through all that emotional and financial hassle. We tend to focus on noticing the things that we lack but what others have, rather than seeing the overall picture.

The thing is, none of that really matters anyway when it comes to you.

People are other people; they’re not you. Comparing yourself to others is going to lead to feelings of envy or jealousy and no good can come of that. Unless you can channel that in a positive way, which would be seeing something in others that you want to work towards having in your own life - but not feeling bitterness or disappointment because of it.

I will admit, being shoved photos in my face of other people’s children on a night out isn’t my idea of a fabulous time but it’s a big thing for those people, which I understand and I love to see them happy. I don’t get riddled with anxiety because of it because I’m pretty happy in my own life. All that is eventually something for my future and I’m content with that.

(My friend Lucy bases her entire coaching around getting over the comparison trap so if this is something you’re struggling with, I definitely suggest you check her out.)

If you know what you want, be bold about that!

There are a ton of self-empowering articles out there on being single, and that’s great. But there’s also nothing wrong with wanting to settle down. If you want the marriage, a family then that’s awesome and something you need to keep in mind when you are dating. I think sometimes we can tell ourselves that we’re not bothered about all of that and maybe want to be perceived as the guy/girl who is ‘cool to go with the flow and whatever’ or the person who is all about the career or travel. And obviously that’s fine too if you want that. But if you are after something serious then be bold about it and don’t waste your time with people who don’t! You definitely don’t want to go on every first date bringing up conversations about wedding venues and first dance songs, but don’t invest your time and energy with people who clearly want something different just for the sake of being with someone.

Don’t make dating a separate project from everything else in your life

I think we can look at dating as something completely separate from our day-to-day life - like there’s our life and then our ‘dating life’. The more pressure you put on it the more it will just become draining and a hassle. Dating should really just be an enhancement to your life. This is why it’s so important you er…still live your life. Not from a place of lack but using being single as an opportunity (and to be able to do all those things your married with kids mates moan they can’t do!) The more active your life is the more people you’ll meet, the more interesting you’ll become, the more attractive you’ll be and the more chance you’ll have of attracting a great partner and having choices. Not just relying on dating apps, sites and singles nights. Mix it up so that it becomes more natural - an integrated part of your life. Put yourself in places where you’ll always be meeting new people.

Remember, it’s completely fine to feel these anxieties - we all feel them now and again. Don’t let the stress get the better of you because that will radiate from you when you do go on dates and you don’t want dating to turn into an interview process. It is supposed to be fun! You can have that balance of going with the flow but with intention.

Being single at any age is completely normal and there’s nothing wrong with it. If all your friends are married/in relationships then do things to make some new ones so that you’re not constantly surrounded by it. Turn your anxiety into a positive - know what you want and mould your life (and yourself) into something that will allow that in instead of just worrying about it but doing nothing. Try to relax, because you are where you are and that’s fine! Do things and be around people who help you see that it’s a great place to be and use it to your advantage :)

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have on this!

 

 

 

What to do when you’re Heartbroken at Christmas

just-heartbroken-1

Break-ups are tough but can be even more difficult to deal with over Christmas. Though Christmas can actually be an amazing time of year to be single, the first one without your ex can make you want to steer completely clear of Love Actually, ice rinks and social events brimming with cosy couples. When you’re hurting or dwelling on how things used to be at Christmas, all of the romantic things about the season are somehow shoved to the forefront of your mind and that’s all you become aware of. There’s no magic cure for the sadness you’ll inevitably feel but the good news is that with a bit of a change in mindset, it can definitely be lessened.

Here are some tips on how to have a happy Christmas post-break up -:

Start Early on your Resolutions – Part 1

The New Year is all about resolutions but I strongly suggest you get a head start ready for Christmas. Look at Christmas as a part of your fresh beginning and be even bolder with your resolutions than you normally would. Make big plans! Use the time you have to really embrace the opportunity being single presents - because it does present opportunity. It’s absolutely normal and more than ok to be sad - allow those moments in and feel them but then consciously decide to flip your mindset. If you walk past or go somewhere that reminds you of your ex, don’t flee home to hibernate in bed with a box of Quality Street. Use seeing that place as a sign that you could venture somewhere completely new over Christmas and plan it. Create new memories instead of dwelling on old ones. Just remember that whilst these memories associated with your ex will be around for a while and will be triggered by many things, the feeling of sadness is temporary - if you allow new memories and experiences in. You have control of that and you have to be proactive in helping yourself. Try to avoid the places that remind you of your past relationship if you can and concentrate on doing new things. Make this Christmas completely different to the last or last few so you’re not constantly comparing it to how it ‘used to be’.

Set Goals – Part 2

As a follow up from the above, I’m not talking about flimsy resolutions that you’ll never stick to! Break-ups can be life-changing so use the time you have over Christmas wisely and constructively to really think about what you really want from the year ahead and what changes you might want to make. Have you had a desire to start a business that you’ve done nothing about yet, go on a trip that you keep putting off, learn a new skill or want to make changes to your lifestyle? If you don’t want to be single, what can you do about that? Can you try online dating, re-write a more compelling online dating profile if you haven’t had much luck so far, go to singles events or plan to do things that will widen your social circle and your chances of meeting someone? Where would your ideal man/woman spend their free time? That’s the key in meeting the type of person you want to meet so plan to go to these places to find them! Try new things for yourself too. You’re more likely to meet someone who is more aligned to what you want when you’re doing things that make you happy - and not dwelling on your ex or being single.

Do Something for Someone Else

No matter how many times people tell you that Christmas is about being around the people you love or that there’s always someone worse off than yourself, let’s face it, we all know that’s true but when you’re feeling heartbroken, it doesn’t make us feel any better. But actually knowing you’ve done something can do. It doesn’t have to be anything too committal - helping out at a local charity for a few hours or even just surprising a friend in some way who has being there for you will give you a real positive distraction. You’ll be amazed at what the feeling of actively doing something to help others does for you and will encourage you to acknowledge all the great things you have going on in your own life.

Do Something for you

Give yourself a break and be good to yourself when you’re feeling low. Try not to spend too much time alone and allow your friends and family to be there for you and take comfort in that. If you don’t feel up to being the life and soul of the party that’s fine but do make an effort to attend the social events going on - and be present. You want to avoid being with your own thoughts too much, it’s about getting a balance. Spending time alone is ok and probably needed but it can take giving yourself a bit of a push to get out socially so make that an intention. The better you feel in yourself, the more likely that you’ll want to get out and about too, so do things that make you feel good. Pampering, working out, not over indulging too much so that you constantly feel tired, a new outfit, a new haircut….all of this might sound superficial but anything that gives you a boost and a spring in your step is a positive thing.

Unless it was a huge relief to get out of the relationship you were in, the first Christmas after a break-up will always be tough. Realistically, you can’t bypass the sadness and it is something that you have to endure and ride out to get through the other side. Some of the above tips are ways in which you accept and experience those sad emotions but still proactively do things that will propel you forwards and make this Christmas a different but good one.

I really do hope you’ve found these helpful and wish you all a very merry Christmas! Here’s to a fantastic 2015!

Image courtesy of Creative Fan.