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That gut-wrenching moment when you find out your ex has moved on with someone else.
Whether they’re seeing, sleeping with or in a full blown relationship with someone else, the pain of knowing that it’s really over can be unbearable.
I think part of that pain is not being able to understand how they’re able to move on so quickly. How can they just disregard us and go straight into something with someone else?
So obviously they didn’t love us that much in the first place.
Maybe they were secretly seeing that person behind our back
The relationship clearly didn’t mean that much to them
They found the break-up easy whilst we’re still in pain.
All of these things can go through our minds because the thought of us being with anybody else just isn’t an option. So how can they just hop onto Tinder in search of the next person whilst we’re crying ourselves to sleep, resembling someone who looks possessed the next morning?
I think it’s important to understand that all of the thoughts listed above, many times, aren’t true. Just because someone has seemingly moved on quickly, it doesn’t mean that they didn’t love us or that they’re over us or that the relationship didn’t matter to them. Just think of all the stories you hear where someone has dated a guy/girl and it hasn’t worked out because they were still hung up on their ex?
The thing is, often people go in hot pursuit of finding someone else because they think that will fill the void of being without their ex. It will fill the gap where the relationship was and will fix what they’re feeling, which they can’t handle or deal with alone. Even if the relationship ended for the right reasons and they don’t want to be with you, moving on quickly doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten you. It probably means that this is what they’re using as a plaster/bandaid to temporarily heal that wound.
It’s rare that you can meet someone when you’re straight out of a relationship and be fully in that new relationship for the right reasons. That’s not to say it doesn’t happen, but in many cases, it’s to fill that gap. Some people struggle to face being on their own and what that means. They want to know that they can still get someone else and instead of using the time to get over the break-up and focus on themselves, they jump straight into the thing that’s going to give them the instant reassurance and confidence boost - dating someone else. And whilst doing that they’ll be taking all of the stuff from the break-up over into that new dating scenario or relationship, which is a cocktail for a complete and utter car crash.
So if you are feeling crushed that you’re sitting here alone and your ex is out with someone else and plastering pictures about their new amazing life on Facebook, just know that it can be a coping mechanism. People deal with break-ups very differently and just because on the surface it doesn’t look like they’re feeling anything, that likely isn’t true.
But what matters here is you, not them. What matters, and what I try to focus on when coaching people through this stuff, is that you’re setting yourself up SO MUCH BETTER by allowing yourself to feel this pain and kind of feel through it. Taking the time out alone and to be single is important because it helps you get over this break-up and everything that comes with that. It means that when you do want to go out dating again, you’ll be starting fresh over (or as much as is possible) instead of taking all that crappy break-up residue along the way.
This isn’t to say that you should now live in denial about the break-up and sit here waiting for your ex to stop dating other people, realise the error of their ways and beg you back. As I said before, the relationship probably is over. But just know that just because they’re with someone else or going on a dating spree, it doesn’t mean you have instantly been forgotten.
And if they are able to genuinely move on that quick, then the relationship clearly wasn’t right for you either.
What’s important is that you focus your time and attention on what you can do right NOW to move forwards.
There are many ways I can help you through this if you’re struggling. Email me on laurayatescoaching@gmail.com and I’ll tell you all the ways we can work together. (Please be aware that I can’t offer advice for free) ❤️
I also have my audio product on this topic, which you can find here https://gumroad.com/l/CrdFs
Laura xx
Lindsay
September 21, 2016 at 7:53 am (10 months ago)I feel my ex was seeing someone else before we split…i kept thinking we could work it out.
But all along he was seeing someone else.
He somehow loves having me to chat to etc
And i wonder how long it was before he was going to tell me
I just feel hurt as he has just moved on with her so quickly..and she has met his family etc
How i was close too.
I think how can i be tossed to the side.
I did so much for him and made so much effort
He does know that ..im trying to stay positive but it hard
Karen
September 23, 2016 at 7:23 pm (10 months ago)Thank you, very helpful
admin
November 1, 2016 at 4:29 pm (9 months ago)Thank you Karen! 🙂 xx
Danielle
October 4, 2016 at 9:30 am (10 months ago)My ex is in a relationship 1 weeks after we broke up. He’s now with her for a year. He claims he never cheated. & I’m still heart broken. I emailed him a letter in June expressing my feeling regarding the sistuation and how jnstill loved him.. what do I get ? a reply from her telling me to move on. Unexpected and embarrassed is all I feel. Letting go is somthing I’m trying to do but I just don’t understand how he could do that to me. We were together for 5 years how could he just forget me like that.
Anyway it’s 5am in NY and I stumbled upon this because I’m unable to sleep. Just looking for an outsiders opinion .. thank you.
admin
November 1, 2016 at 4:31 pm (9 months ago)Hi Danielle, I’m so sorry you are going through this. Please don’t be embarrassed - how you are feeling is completely normal. The more you bring the focus back to yourself and your healing and less on your ex, the better things will get xx
Sarah
April 12, 2017 at 3:08 am (3 months ago)Uh I feel this so much right now, my ex who less than a week before was still talking about our future and marriage and always being there for me (I just had a full knee reconstruction), broke up with me with no reasons besides that it wouldn’t have worked in the long run, then started dating a new girl 2 weeks later. He did only meet her the week he broke up with me so at least I know he wasn’t cheating but it’s almost as bad that he can move on so quickly. And yes, the worst thing was he showed her all the hurt messages I’d sent when I found out and she messaged me on facebook swearing at me and telling me to get over it. I’m 28 mind you, not in highschool. How can someone who apparently wanted to marry me, betray me so much to show a girl he’s known for less than 2 weeks my messages sent in confidence. Then block me from his life, it’s so cruel when I only ever told him how much I loved him.
Anyway I just wanted to know how and if you eventually got over the pain? Time I imagine? It’s extra hard because I can barely even walk yet so sit here and dwell on it every day.
admin
April 27, 2017 at 12:14 pm (3 months ago)Hi Sarah, just know that sometimes people can jump very quickly into another relationship because it numbs whatever they’re going through or experiencing. Your job now is to focus on you - do something small every day that symbolises moving forwards. Take time to heal without judgement. Love, Laura xx
Dellicia
October 5, 2016 at 3:02 pm (10 months ago)This really helped me…it’s been a year..he’s moved on n I’m still single..but reading this really really gave me hope that one day my pain will go away..n just because he’s moved on doesn’t me I never mattered….thank you
admin
November 1, 2016 at 4:33 pm (9 months ago)Hi Dellicia, I’m so pleased this has helped you. It certainly doesn’t mean that at all. Try and really focus on yourself and less on him now. Gradually you will feel like yourself again as an individual and the pain will lessen xx
Liza
March 7, 2017 at 3:30 am (5 months ago)It took my Ex a day to find some one else.. I was shocked so hurt he pit her as his whatsapp and facebook DP. Im just going through the motions accepting I probally never meant a thing to him and it hurts
Sue
March 8, 2017 at 10:04 pm (4 months ago)My ex has moved on and it was put all over FB, and then got the text from her telling me to move on etc. It’s only been 4 weeks since we split. I was doing ok until I found this out and it feels like I didn’t matter at all to him.
Therese
March 12, 2017 at 8:11 am (4 months ago)Thanks Laura. I walked away from my ex a few weeks ago. Since then he came round my house and stayed an hour talking about general things but not us. I asked to speak with him two weeks ago and he said no problem, any time but never agreed a time. Last night I saw that he’s moved on weeks after we’ve broke up and it really hurts. I have been trying to focus on myself but I’m still feeling all the things you mentioned and I’m really struggling at the moment with the heartbreak and loneliness.
Tara Finnigan
March 14, 2017 at 12:15 pm (4 months ago)Thank you for putting it all so correctly together, and something I really needed to hear.
I AM healing. I am happy single.
Funny thing, the pictures show the pain in her eyes.
So glad I’m free
admin
April 27, 2017 at 12:26 pm (3 months ago)🙂 xx
Cathrine
March 15, 2017 at 4:21 pm (4 months ago)Thank you for this, i had a long distance relationship when I broke up with my ex. Its been a year after we break up and during that time he still texted me, bothered me and its makes me having a hard time to let go of him till now. But then I met him yesterday on a concert and he already with someone else holding hands and showed so much love to each other. I felt so mad but have no rights anymore 🙁
Julian
March 18, 2017 at 12:31 am (4 months ago)My ex had like a back-up boyfriend, the more our relationship worsened, the more time she spent with him. One week after she broke up with me, someone told me she slept with the same guy I’ve been afraid of. It struck my like a freighttrain. Now, only 2 months later i’m still struggling. My sleeping pattern is no more and I barely eat. She was really bad for me, but I loved her. All the things you mentioned in this, it gave me some peace, somethings to think about.
Therese
March 20, 2017 at 12:44 pm (4 months ago)Hi Laura, thanks for this helpful article. My ex was on a dating site only two weeks ago but has posted ‘in a relationship’ on his fb status. I feel totally heartbroken 🙁 I’m wondering if this could be a rebound relationship?
admin
April 27, 2017 at 12:25 pm (3 months ago)Hi Therese, yes it could well be. Sometimes people move on quickly to numb whatever they’re going through and push those feelings down. Or so that they can feel secure. Just focus on yourself and you will start to feel better xx
Hannah
March 20, 2017 at 3:13 pm (4 months ago)Thank you for this. My ex broke up with me over the phone and a week later he was with a girl he met at a party at my place. They are still together. I asked for an explanation when it happend and he said she had nothing to do with the breakup, yet they exchanged numbers the night of the party. He claims he broke up with me because I called too much, I did not, I was his girlfriend and in a relationship you call the other person!! It has been 7 months and they are still together. I have tried dating and moving on but it has been hard. I never got the closure, when I tried he called me names and told me to never reach him or his girlfriend again, yet I was his girlfriend just a week before that. I do not get it, I did everything for him, we had a good relationship and his family loved me. It happened out of nowhere and I am still picking up the pieces. He just moved on like nothing and that is what still hurts. He also basically cheated on me with her because I am sure they were talking that last week or two that we were together. It is just very messed up.
Jill
March 21, 2017 at 8:45 am (4 months ago)Hi Laura,
I think 80percent of males can not cope with dealing with the pain hence why they move on so quickly to fill the void of dealing with the break up because if their level of immaturity.
There is one thing I know. The guys who do this end up suffering tremendously and I know for a fact my ex will suffer excruciating pain when his next relationship fails.
Here’s to us smart women who are doing it tough and getting on with life in the right Lane where one day we will meet our future partners for life that deserve us.
Thank you for the article I believe in it.
Denielle
March 24, 2017 at 11:00 am (4 months ago)I am currently in this situation and struggling to deal with it. I was with my husband for 14 years. The last few years he was physically violent towards me in front our children and I decided I’d had enough. I ended the relationship but before I’d moved out he was messaging another woman. He now tells me they’re going on holiday after only being together for 4 weeks! I feel physically sick, and although I know he’s not right for me I feel he’s rubbing my face in it or trying to provoke a reaction. I can’t eat or sleep and feel like constantly on edge. I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever trust a man again.
Dez
March 29, 2017 at 10:35 pm (4 months ago)Wow. This article explained my relationship perfectly. My girlfriend and I split up in October and I started hanging out with another woman right away to ease the pain. My ex saw this and begged for me back, seduced me and then we talked about getting back together. She would say things like “I want to be with you and my girls for the rest of my life.” I fell for it hook line and sinker. She went to Mexico for a week and when she came back it was over. She jumped into another relationship right away. She’s still with him four months later and I’m single but I’ll tell you what, I started hitting the gym really hard. I started writing down my goals and aspirations. I truly thought about why I wanted her back and the pros and cons of our relationship and what I realized was that I was with her just to be with someone. The same thing she’s doing with this new guy. I also decided that I will never settle again. I will never be with someone just to be with them. I’m happier now. Actually I’m happier knowing who I am and what I want. Being single and finding yourself is an empowering thing. Figuring out what you want is priceless.
katlego
March 30, 2017 at 5:58 am (4 months ago)I have been daiting my ex for over six months even though we had ur ups and downs we broke up 3 times I think and I just had to end the relationship because he was forver abusing me emotionally. when he started to notice that I don’t have his time anymore he started a new relationship. first time I saw them was in a club and both him and the girlfriend kept on looking at me and my friends. they where probably talking about me. next thing he left the club and looked at me as he walked out and he greeted me and my friends but I did not respond. then the following day he started sending me texts that he wants his stuff back and making all the threats but I did not respond to his text cause I know he was probably high on drugs again. then I haven’t seen him until last night with the same girl outside my yard standing and talking with some guys that he never liked when we where dating they live opposite my yard. what could this mean.
Camy
March 31, 2017 at 2:23 pm (4 months ago)My problem is not the apparent affair or his denial of it years later, it is the fact if his lies. I helped my husband gain a new job skill while he kept hold back my education. Now after 15 years of marriage he is in a new life and I struggle to get back on my feet, unable to support myself and he still needs my financial help!
Joy Njeri Muriguh
April 3, 2017 at 5:43 am (4 months ago)This is wonderful. Focusing on oneself really is the best direction though it still hurts to know he’s with someone else. Thank you for this though.
admin
April 27, 2017 at 12:21 pm (3 months ago)Right on! Thank you Joy 🙂
Sally
April 13, 2017 at 11:22 pm (3 months ago)Thank you so much for this article. You have described my thoughts and feelings as my ex has moved on very quickly with someone else.
Thank you for putting my thoughts into words and for helping me stay focused on what’s important- ME!
admin
April 27, 2017 at 12:10 pm (3 months ago)You’re so welcome Sally and yes, staying focused on you is the best way forward! x
Chris
April 25, 2017 at 8:26 pm (3 months ago)One of the best posts I’ve read!
My ex dumped me 6 weeks ago, I tried my hardest to win her back and gave her space, tried no contact etc, we had spoke a couple of times since we split up and she had told me a few weeks ago how hurt she was then I got shown a picture last week of her and another guy in PARIS captured 4th date, it’s honestly very hard to take and accept but it’s my closure now I gave it all I could because I cared and loved that person I have deleted her from all social media as I feel it’s the only way I can move forward .
admin
April 27, 2017 at 12:08 pm (3 months ago)Hi Chris, I really feel you on this and how much that can hurt. But deciding to create that closure for yourself is the most freeing, rewarding and empowering thing you can do. Good for you and just know that you absolutely will move forwards 🙂
Jess
April 27, 2017 at 9:06 am (3 months ago)Thank you for this
admin
April 27, 2017 at 12:07 pm (3 months ago)You’re so welcome Jess! x