Image courtesy of David Goehring via Flickr
Knowing when it’s time to fully let go of a relationship - or having the strength to, can be tough. We know deep down that things aren’t right, we might be putting up with crappy behaviour or making excuses for them because we love them and are scared of what the alternative is. So we stick with it hoping things will change…but have that sinking feeling in our gut that they won’t. And yet we can’t walk away.
I remember when I was in this situation. I instinctively knew that things wouldn’t change (because that’s what history had already showed me) yet I chose to ignore it, gloss it over or it became one of those things, issues or arguments that we ’put in a box’. Things were great for a bit of time and then the old stuff would rear it’s head again.
Here are a few realisations that helped me to understand that it really was time to let go. And some other ones that didn’t apply to that situation, but what might resonate with you -:
1) Complete communication failure
Instead of being talked about, arguments get glossed over and never resolved. You’re likely at your wits end trying to talk about things rationally and explain how you feel, but they either ignore it, fly off the handle or blame you making out you’re being neurotic. If they refuse to even try and communicate about the things that are going wrong, this isn’t going to change and the relationship will become like Groundhog Day. Communication is the thing that keeps relationships going and thriving.
2) They tell you that they can’t give you what you want
Sometimes this can be put over in a ‘woe is me’ type way, which makes letting go of them even harder as it pulls at the ol’ heartstrings. It can also make us believe that they’re opening up to us and therefore we must be special. But if they’re telling you this, don’t think that by sticking with them, your reward will be them blossoming into someone who can give you what you want. It isn’t your challenge to be the person to change them. They need to do this alone. Maybe then they’ll figure it out and be better in a relationship in the future, but that’s the work they’ve got to do - not you. And actually quite often, they can be saying this completely truthfully (and as a way to get out of the relationship) so in which case, you have to believe them. There isn’t an underlying hidden code to crack on this one. If they’re telling you they can’t give you what you want, they can’t. Don’t bust down your boundaries to accommodate and instead, walk away.
3) They’ve cheated
Not much to say on this one really! I suppose what is technically counted as cheating differs to everyone but in any scenario where trust has been broken, it’s really hard to build back up from that. You’ll always have that tiny doubt in the back of your mind. Even if they are genuinely sorry and don’t repeat the behaviour, it’s probably always going to come up in future arguments as it’ll be the one bit of amo you’ll always have, and that’s not healthy. And then if you do decide to continue the relationship after episodes of cheating, there’s even more pressure for it to work. It becomes exhausting.
4) They’re emotionally unavailable
Sometimes emotionally unavailable people can get into relationships because it makes them feel better about their…er….emotionally unavailability. They enjoy the comfort of being with someone or to say they’re in a relationship, but are never fully in it. Despite being ‘with you’, they might hold back, won’t commit to future plans, are sketchy about talking about the future in any way or won’t let you fully into their world. Maybe you even feel like they’re hiding part of their life. This can be really painful to deal with when you love someone so much and all you want is for them to let you in. If you feel like you’re constantly trying to break down walls or barriers with them, it’s time to get out.
5) You never know where you stand with them
You’ve been seeing each other for a while and it’s gone waaaay past the point where dating evolves into being in a relationship, yet they just won’t give you any clarification on it - or avoid talking about it completely. Maybe they hate putting ‘labels’ on things (urgh) and that’s their reasoning. The thing is, by sticking with someone who you want to be in a relationship with but getting nothing back from them in that way, means you’re both on completely different pages. They don’t want to say this of course, because that would mean you probably not sticking around, yet they don’t want to commit either. So essentially you’re making it easy for them and giving them the impression it’s acceptable. Staying in this situation will continue to make you anxious about what might happen but it gives them no reason to step up. Staying with them won’t make them realise what a great thing they have. It’s walking away that’ll be the only thing that does that.
6) You realise that they don’t make you happy
This is such a weird one but sometimes we can stay in relationships that most of the time don’t make us happy. But we love the person we’re with so much we forsake our own happiness (and often our boundaries and self-worth) just to be with them. When I work with people on letting go, this is something I focus on a lot with them - figuring out how happy the relationship makes/made them or whether it’s based on short bursts of happiness followed by crashing lows. These relationships can be quite toxic, co-dependent and can send us to crazy town. So even if it means getting really analytical, sit down and literally write down a list of pros and cons - and be honest. You might love the person but if you aren’t happy (and maybe just convincing yourself you are) then although it will be tough short term, it’ll be like a big weight is off your shoulders not too long from now. The pain of not being with them will be less painful than the unhappiness and anxiety you felt with them (I worked with someone who had this exact realisation just a couple of weeks after committing to let go of her ex who she realised she wasn’t actually at all happy with).
I know letting go of an ex is a really tough one to deal with - probably one of the hardest things about going though a break-up. So I hope this helps!
Please comment if you have any thoughts or as always, you can reach out on contact@laurayates.org 🙂 xx