Have you Lost yourself in a Relationship?

One of the most important things that I’ve learned about relationships and break-ups - personally and through talking to other people about their experiences, is how we can lose sight of ourselves in them. The sign of a great relationship is one where two people flourish as individuals. They’re not totally dependent on each other, have their own things going on and don’t feel the need to ‘complete’ each other.

I know in a past relationship that I was in, I got so immersed in it that I lost sight of the things that made the guy fall in love with me in the first place! What he loved about me was my creativity, ambition, passion for life and slightly unpredictable nature. Yet about a year into the relationship when things got a bit rocky, I became so caught up with trying to fix and analyse what was wrong that I let go of all those things that always attracted him to me. I also become quite settled in the relationship instead of striving to keep pushing myself forwards. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t feel settled - let’s face it that’s what most people want in a serious relationship! But you should still always be working towards those personal goals and dreams.

When the relationship ended, it dawned on me that part of the reason why, was because I lost sight of who I really was and wasn’t engaging in the things that lit me up. I was still me, but at about 50% - what’s that all about?! I also needed to take responsibility for letting this happen. I couldn’t blame it on my ex or the relationship. So when we broke up I made it my mission to rediscover all of those things that made me ‘me’ and it was a core part of the healing process - and a big lesson. And now, when I talk to people who have gone through a break-up but who think that the relationship has potential to work, I still suggest to them that they take some decent time to re-connect with themselves, their values and passions. My work is more about healing heartbreak and getting over break-ups as opposed to ‘get your ex back’ strategies - but some relationships can definitely work and be rekindled IF changes are made. And often this means going back to who you were when you met your ex, what it was that attracted them to you in the first place and thinking about whether those things got watered down in the relationship and if so - why. Was it lack of trust, communication or respect or was it that you were unnecessarily insecure and needed to trust and relax a bit more? It’s good to have your own things going on in a relationship and not be in each other’s pockets. In fact, it’s what makes good ones even better!

This is also important if the past relationship has ended for good. It can be a learning experience for going into your next one. Those characteristics, passions or interests that attract people to you are what make you shine - so don’t lose sight of them regardless of whether you’re single or in a relationship!