Photo by Lucas Sankey on Unsplash
Learning how to rewire my thoughts and subconscious has been absolutely instrumental in healing from heartbreak.
Think of rewiring like reprogramming. Many of us believe that we’re inherently destined for a certain outcome or way of being. We might have thoughts and beliefs such as:
‘I always attract the wrong people’
‘I’ll never get over my ex’
‘I’ll never be good enough’
What’s important to know, is that no matter who you are, what you’ve been through and how you feel right now, those thought loops, those ways of existing can be changed. The reason it feels so part of you; so engrained, is because that old ‘DVD’ has been playing for months or probably years.
Past traumas or events - such as a devastating breakup, have created memories - conscious and subconscious, which have imprinted themselves in your brain, body and nervous system. That’s why it can feel impossible to move on from because they all feel like an innate part of you.
Here are 7 ways to break that cycle and finally find your way to emotional freedom and happiness.
1) Trust that you can heal
Right now, you might feel sceptical that things can change. Uncertain that you’ll ever get over your ex, that you can move on from this heartbreak. I get it, I’ve been there. But you need to focus on the small part of you that believes things can change - that you can move on and find happiness. The very fact that you’re on this page, reading this right now, means you are open to it. That is the first part of rewiring. To let go, have faith and trust. Hold onto that because it provides the gateway for your healing to begin!
2) Know that you don’t need your ex (or anyone) for closure
You might feel that to make everything better, all you need is your ex to come back. Or for them to apologise and give you answers and explanations. To give you closure. When your happiness and freedom is bound so rigidly to the actions of someone else, this keeps you trapped emotionally, physically and mentally.
I’m here to tell you – as a fact, that you have the power to create that closure right now for yourself. Your ex doesn’t hold the key to your happiness, your self-worth and value. You have to be willing to look far deeper than that - within yourself, and although it’s hard and it hurts, it’s such a beautiful lesson because it enables us to know how to always take responsibility for our own life and happiness.
3) Shock your system
When your body, brain and heart is so entrenched in heartbreak, you need to shake up your routine and old habits (the ones that aren’t helping you at least). The reason for this goes far beyond the surface level of giving yourself new distractions just for the sake of keeping busy. The purpose, is to rewire those old neural pathways, which shocks the body and brain and offers it something else to focus its attention on.
If you get up at a specific time and immediately dwell on those thoughts that just won’t dissipate, try waking up a little earlier, get out of bed the other side and do something different than you usually do. Dry body brush and get your lymphatic system going, do some meditation, read or get your clothes on before you even have time to lay in bed and ruminate and go for a walk. Intentionally make a new choice.
Whenever we feel stuck and stagnant, we need to give ourselves a new task to focus on. Some people even do things like learning to write with their left hand if they’re right-handed.
For me, when I understood the science behind creating new routines from a neural plasticity perspective, it really helped motivate me to put these changes in action. It’s all about overriding that old ‘heartbreak DVD’ with a new one that supports this next phase of moving forwards.
4) Learn to expand your self-worth
When we’re so engulfed in heartbreak, it can completely strip our self-worth. Heartbreak can also trigger old wounds from our past and even childhood. The memory can act as a catalyst for past memories that we might have buried. Part of truly overcoming those is to find ways to expand on how we value ourselves. Look back on your relationship and life history and really get honest with yourself. Have you accepted people and situations where you were left feeling undervalued? Have you tried to gain validation by compromising your own needs and becoming a person you don’t even know? Has there been co-dependence at play?
This is why rewiring isn’t about ‘thinking positive’. To truly change - and to change for the long-term, we have to be brave and step out of character.
Your job now, is to give yourself what you needed when you didn’t receive it from your ex, a family member, a co-worker or anyone who has had an impact in your life. You have to value and treat yourself like you want to be treated by another person. You might not feel worthy of it, but stepping up for yourself right now at your lowest, in the way you might wish your ex would, is the only way to create a noticeable shift. It takes you from victim to victor and I assure you, it changes every aspect of your life.
5) Visualise
Like meditation we hear a lot about visualisation. But here’s the thing; the brain doesn’t know the difference between what’s real and what you are imagining - when you’re at the stage of really feeling into the visualisation. Something I did during heartbreak (and do now for other aspects of my life), was to spend time every day visualising how it would feel to be happy. What would I be doing, who would I be spending time with, what kind of places would I visit, what would my friendships be like, what would my work be like, how would my health be? How would it feel to be free of the shackles of checking my phone 24/7 and sleepless nights?
In your visualisation, imagine what kind of person would you be if you were fully healed. How would you go about your day, who you would surround yourself with, what choices would you make, what boundaries would you have and act on?
The more consistently you do this, the more that feeling that you create during the visualisation starts to shift and seep into your everyday. I assure you, although this sounds a bit ‘fluffy’, don’t underestimate its power!
6) Find something greater than yourself
Whenever I've felt at my most vulnerable, broken and unsure, finding meaning in something bigger than myself is always what has seen me through. It's why I get so much fulfilment through this blog, my work as a coach and getting to connect with you all every day.
It's easy to get absorbed in our own stuff. An instant way to shake ourselves out of that, even for a few minutes, is to do one small thing to help someone else. Or to connect with someone else. Or to find a portal that gives us some kind of bigger meaning outside of our own problems. To get curious about the world, to try something different.
Don't wait until you feel completely healed, happy or whole. Do it now, because it will assure you that no matter where you are or what you're going through, you still matter, you still have impact and you have so much unique value in the world. It's then that you will start to feel healed, happy and whole.
When you can find something - anything, outside of yourself, you always know that whatever happens, you're going to be ok.
7) Intercept the thought loop
When you feel those all too familiar thoughts that send you plummeting, stop them in their tracks by literally saying to yourself “Stop”.
Notice the thought, don’t judge it. Just observe it and recognise it as that old thought that served you at one point maybe, but now you’re exhausted by. Choose a new thought that’s a few notches above that old one on the emotional scale.
As an example, the old thought could be:
‘It’s so unfair fair that he/she has moved on so quickly. Why do they get to be so happy and I’m the one still heartbroken??!!’
The new one could be:
‘They’ve moved on and I don’t feel great about it. But I know the more I dwell on that the more I’m keeping myself stuck. I know that I have to take full responsibility for how I move forwards now. It has nothing to do with my ex and I can at least feel good about knowing that I have the power to change.’
That might be a bit long-winded but you can see where I’m going with it! The more you take inventory of those old thoughts that tempt you back into that dark, stagnant place and choose new ones that support you moving on, the more you will rewire that old DVD.
I really hope you’ve found these tips helpful. I’ll end by sharing a quote by one of my biggest inspirations Dr. Joe Dispenza, which perfectly summarises what this post is about.
“To change is to think greater than how we feel. To change is to act greater than the familiar feelings of the memorized self.”
Let me know if you put these tips into practice! I’d love to hear.
Love,
Laura x
If you are interested in taking this work further, I work privately with people 1:1 and within that, I create powerful guided reprogramming audios tailored to what you’re going through. If you would like to work with me on a bespoke basis you can get in touch here or book here.