Why Do We Stay in the Wrong Relationships for So Long?

Photo by أخٌ‌في‌الله on Unsplash

I’ve been asked to write a post about this topic many times now, so today, will delve into why we often stay in the wrong relationships for so long.

You can perhaps relate; you’re in a relationship that you know deep down, isn’t right, healthy or aligned with what you really want. Perhaps the same issues are happening over and over again, but you keep negotiating yourself away from those facts by putting the good parts of the relationship on a pedestal.

Because those good parts really are so good!

Maybe you’ve invested all your time and emotion into a relationship with someone and so of course, you want to give the relationship absolutely everything you’ve got.

After all, you have everything laid out ahead of you with this person. You’ve got a version of life mapped out that might include marriage, kids, a home, traveling etc. and so you need to see this relationship through and fight for it tooth and nail to ensure that dream life becomes fulfilled.

But what if you still know, deep down, that the relationship just isn’t working? Be brutally honest with yourself here. Are those good parts really enough of a compelling reason to stay put?

TIme and emotional Investment

The reason why we stay in the wrong relationships for so long is because of the time and emotional investment. When we invest time, money, or emotion into something, we want to see it through to ensure we get the reward. But like investing time or money into something that just isn’t working, there comes a time when it really is time to fold and let go.

Think of it from a financial perspective. It would be crazy to keep investing money into a bad deal. You’d want out before you created any significant financial damage, wouldn’t you?

However, when it comes to emotional investment, I understand the waters become a little muddy.

Fear of the Unknown

Whilst there is something to be said for making relationships work through mutual collaboration and compromise, if you find yourself constantly hoping, waiting, and talking yet nothing seems to change, or if it does, it’s fleeting and temporary, it’s a little like plowing money into that bad deal. The longer you stay in the relationship, the more hurt and emotional damage will be created. Plus, your dignity and sense of self-worth can be seriously compromised.

I understand that fear comes into play here. The fear of losing out on that life with someone you’ve worked so hard to map out. The fear of losing it can feel far scarier than the unknown and the thought of having to start over.

But there comes a point when it is time to see the red flags as just that - red flags. Love shouldn’t be about living in pain. A healthy relationship shouldn’t be filled with terrible lows but absolutely incredible highs. It’s just not sustainable in the long term. Or even on a less intense level, it shouldn’t be about a constant underlying sense of dissatisfaction.

You’re Only Human

And please know that if you’ve found yourself in this situation, or are in it currently, you’re only human. As humans, we all often make mistakes about where to channel our time and emotions. But like that bad deal, know when it’s time to fold and step away.

Yes, it might mean grieving the loss of the life you had ahead of you, but try and set aside the emotional element for a moment. Instead, if you look at the relationship objectively, you have accumulated enough evidence and facts to know that staying put will only come with more emotional sacrifice, hurt, and pain.

Step Away with Your Head Held High!

If you opt-out now, you have the opportunity to rebuild and invest your time and emotional energy into creating the life and future relationship you really, truly deserve.

It might feel scary but I assure you, stepping into the unknown with your head held high and dignity intact will be a much brighter, safer and healthier investment.

7 Signs You’re Moving on From Your Ex

Photo by Madison Oren on Unsplash

Are you completely over them?

A little while ago, I received what I can only call a relief phone call from a dear friend. The minute I picked up the phone, I could tell that my friend was elated!

Without skipping a beat, she said, “Laura, I think I’m over him.” “Well, good for you!” I said.

I was curious though and asked her “What’s shifted for you?”

She then proceeded to tell me how she had listened to a song during her workout and had only realised a few hours later that it was her ex’s favourite song. Previously, the first bar of this track would send her spiralling.

You see, the reason why getting over an ex can seem like a hurdle is that we pour so much of our entire being; our essence into our relationships.

Once they end, we get into a grieving phase. The good news is, while the loss of a relationship can be painful, we do know that with time, some inner work and addressing a few vital elements, it won’t last forever. So then, how do you figure out that you’re over them for good?

I’ll tell you what to look out for.

1.     Spending time with mutual friends doesn’t bother you

It’s ok to hang out with you and your ex’s mutual friends, but there’s a catch. You can only tell whether or not you’ve moved on if you’re not interested in having conversations dominated around your ex, and have no curiosity or interest in finding out how they’re doing. If you don’t care to know details about your ex’s current life, this is a sure sign that you’re moving on or have moved on.

2.     You don’t stalk them on social media

Once we’ve broken up with someone, it’s easy to fall into the trap of stalking our ex-partner on social media. You want to know every single detail of their life, whether they’re seeing someone, whether they seem happy without you, or simply whether they’re ok.

If there’s one way to ensure that you don’t move on from a relationship quickly, it’s following your ex and engaging with them on social media. The best way to ensure that you get over them faster is to detach. Later down the line if something your ex posts feels indifferent or doesn’t bother you, this is a very positive indication that you’re truly over them.

3.     You don’t think about them anymore

If your mind constantly wanders to the things you and your ex used to do together or say to each other, you’re probably still in that grieving stage. However, if the thought of them rarely crosses your mind or if it does, it doesn’t trigger much of an emotional reaction, the chances are that you have moved on from them.

Remember, it’s more than ok - and natural, to think about your ex once in a while. However, what would have been romantic feelings should be replaced by simply memories if you’ve moved on.

4.     You’re doing more of what you want to do and what makes you happy

If you’re doing more of the things that you loved doing before you met your partner or newly discovered activities that make you happy, chances are that you’ve moved on from your ex. Once you resume a healthy routine that engages you and regain a sense of normality in your day to day, this is an incredibly positive sign.

Maybe you will also find yourself creating an entirely new schedule that’s more in line with your life now, but whatever it is you’re doing, as long as it doesn’t look and feel like you’re tied up to your ex in everything you’re doing, you’re moving on!

5.     You’re interested in someone else

It isn’t always wise to get into a new relationship immediately after a breakup. However, if the idea of going on dates and meeting new people excites you, you’re probably ready for it and have moved on from your ex.

When you’re interested in someone else, it means you’ve already resolved the feelings that came with the breakup. If you’re focused on your ex, it won’t be easy to move on or even be interested in meeting other people.

Sometimes, you might feel like you’re dating simply for the sake of going through the motions. However, you have to remember that there are other people that can make you as happy as your ex did.

6.     You Prioritise Self-care

The truth is that you’re not moving on unless you’re taking care of yourself. Focusing on those core principles of getting enough sleep, drinking water, being mindful of your physical health and generally taking care of yourself. This is where self-care comes in.

You have to take care of your body, mind and spirit. Prioritising self-care is vital if you want to build resilience towards the stressors of life that you cannot avoid - which often includes at some point, a tough breakup.

Once you dial in on your mind, body, and soul - and also adding those extra feel-good pick-me-ups including good skincare (a new personal favourite of mine being Strip Makeup and skincare) and dressing in a way that makes you feel confident and empowered - you will be in a better position to live life to the fullest.

The truth is that self-care isn’t a luxury. It’s a basic need none of us can live without. Without prioritising self-care, we end up feeling fatigued and overwhelmed. Once this is a priority for you, you know that you’re well on your way to moving on from your ex!

7.     Seeing that they’ve moved on is ok

The truth is that once a relationship falls apart, both of you have to move on. The only difference is that you will move on at different paces. When you’re still heartbroken over the loss of a relationship, you’ll probably feel sadness, anger or even betrayal if you were to learn that your ex has moved on.

However, if you’ve also moved on, them getting into a new relationship doesn’t seem to trigger you and you might feel a tinge of sadness, but you don’t dwell. Sometimes, you might also even be happy that they have moved on now that you’ve had the time and space to process, reflect and regain your own identity and life in your own right.

Although these are some of the main indications that you’ve moved on from your breakup and ex, remember that most times, you won’t need an entire list to tell you.

You will feel it and know it deep inside your gut - so trust that instinct and go with it.

How to Build Resilience

One day you’re going about your life, and the next, it feels as if everything is falling apart. Whether it’s a gut-wrenching heartbreak or a devastating event, you are left in the aftermath of what feels like an utter disaster. Your mind, your body, your everyday life, as a result, can seem unbearable. And for a short period of time that’s completely normal. After all, psychological pain is no less than any other form of pain. Therefore, we need to give our minds the time and space to process the hurt. But—we don’t want to stay down too long.

The truth is, we cannot control life. Sometimes, it takes a surprising turn, leaving us to deal with the fallout of it all. If we are ill-equipped, we will struggle to get back up. That may look like dwelling the incident forever, becoming consistently overwhelmed, or turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as co-dependency, alcohol, food - a number of different things. But it can be truly detrimental to one’s wellbeing; hence, the key to ensuring you’ll be able to cope with difficult circumstances is by building resilience.

Resilience is the ability to adapt to challenging situations. It allows you to harness your existing inner strength in the face of adversity and to cope with unpredictable circumstances from a position of power. Below, I have listed concrete steps you can take to build resiliency.

Foster Wellness

It’s so important to lay the foundations for a healthy lifestyle as it will help improve your mental health, physical health, spiritual health and builds resilience. The mind and body are deeply connected, and stress is just as much physical as it is emotional. Thus, balanced nutrition, proper sleep, hydration, and consistent exercise will improve your ability to adapt to stress and reduce the toll of difficult emotions.

On the note of physical health, if you’re keen to look a little more closely into what factors could be impacting how you’re feeling, I highly recommend you checkout letsgetchecked.com. I have used them many times (I don’t like to promote anything I haven’t personally used) to test things such as my hormone health and potential vitamin deficiencies and it’s always proved incredibly helpful to get that extra insight. If you’re keen to try it out, I have a 30% discount code. Just type in LAURAY30 in the discount box upon checkout.

Build your Connections

As a society, we value individuality and overcoming adversity on our own. But research shows that people with a support system manage difficult situations better than those without a support system. If you don’t currently have many connections, that’s ok. Take the time to write down your interests and join various local groups to build your personal community. Surrounding yourself with kind, empathic, supportive people will definitely foster resilience. If you’re really struggling and feeling lost, you can take a look at my one-on-one packages here.

Be Proactive

Personal growth is a challenge for all of us, and it can seem incredibly daunting if you’re just starting out. And that’s ok. Take a deep breath and write down a few realistic goals and do something daily to move towards that goal—even if it seems small.

A few extra resources I’d like to share. If you need a boost, take a look at my 6 Steps to Unshakeable Confidence & Self-Esteem Audio. This audio will encourage you to move towards self-discovery and give you the confidence you need to be proactive in your own journey. If there’s something specific you’re struggling with, consider my Personalised Rewiring Audio Recording, which will be customised to your needs. The purpose of these audio recordings is to support you on a daily basis as consistent practice is proven to build resilience.

Laura x 

Effective Ways to Tackle Stress

Image source - Pixabay - CC0 License

I know all too well about the feeling of stress and the impact it can have on our mind and body. Stress can become a part of our daily lives at any point, especially at this moment in time with everything going on in the world. If we’re not careful to identify where it’s showing up, it can gradually become something we barely realise is occurring.

With an endless list of things to do, more time to do it, and the worry of finances, our jobs, our loved ones and romantic relationships, we can start to feel the many symptoms that stress can bring on. This manifests within all of us in different ways but some of the most common things are feeling tired, irritated, angry and even physical symptoms such as headaches and nausea.

With that in mind, I’ve collated a few simple and accessible techniques and methods you can try that will promote a better sense of calm and wellbeing. I’m a big fan of all of them myself and encourage you to give them a go.

Exercise

Exercising regularly has been proven to help improve mood and the way you feel. Increasing your heart rate and the rate you pump blood around your body also has a positive impact on your hormone levels by way of releasing endorphins and adrenaline into your body. For me, I know exercise really helps to clear my mind and regain a better perspective on the challenge I’m facing.

(That said, it’s also important - and totally ok to rest if this what you feel you need too - listen to your intuition.)  

Yoga

No, you probably didn’t hear it here first but Yoga is powerful. Bringing the focus back to your breathing and clearing your mind of any negative energy is incredibly healing and soothing. Yoga is something that you can easily do from your living room, thanks to online resources and YouTube videos.

Meditation

Taking the properties of yoga one step further you might want to try meditating. You all know I’m a big fan of this one too. Meditation is like yoga for the mind; providing clarity and focus. Meditation might seem like a strange thing to start, but once you become used to doing it, you will absolutely love and feel the benefits.

The use of essential oils

Essential oils are a wonderful way to alleviate stress. Certain scents such as Lavender can help relax your mind while Chamomile can ease you into a relaxing sleep. Essential oils can be added to baths, candle burners and diffusers and they small divine! I always have something burning at home and find it a great comfort.

Hygge

The Danish principal Hygge has burst onto the scene in the past few years. The Danish are renowned for their happy nature and this is largely due to their practice of Hygge. It’s all about being cozy, relaxed and enjoying time with friends and family. Creating that sense of ‘togetherness’. Lighting candles, low lighting, enjoying hot chocolates and curling up in front of a warm fire. Appreciating the good and simple things in life! I adore this concept and try to incorporate it into my life. Even whilst social distancing you can still practice virtual Hygge with your friends and family.

I hope these have offered you some practical ideas. Even just incorporating one into your daily routine can make a profound difference in how you feel.

Love,

Laura xx

Tips for Getting Through Isolation During Coronavirus

Hi there! It’s been a while since I’ve been on the blog and social media as have been focused on working with clients, but after everything that’s been going on in the world, I really wanted to connect with you.

I don’t know about you (I’m sure you feel the same) but living in this time of coronavirus has certainly thrown me through somewhat of a loop. I spent the first few days when things really escalated here in the UK glued to the news to check in on updates and whilst I like to be aware and informed, it ultimately created more overwhelm and anxiety. I’ve therefore detached a little, trying to focus on my wellbeing, not getting too immersed in any of the fear-mongering and planning ahead with a positive mindset. Whilst still being cautious and sensible of course.

One tip I have for you, is to be especially mindful of what media you’re consuming. Whilst we all want to keep on top of the major updates, it’s important to set limits and avoid spending all our time getting too sucked in to the bad news and scary statistics that only serve to fuel anxiety and fear. This goes for social media too - be diligent of how much you’re scrolling and how that’s making you feel. Fill your feed with messages of empowerment, optimism and creativity.

I know we could all do with some positivity and ways to use the time we’re spending in isolation consciously and productively. So, I thought I would share some ideas and resources. All of which I’m implementing myself.

1) Get dressed and ‘ready’ for the day. I’ve been working from home for around 10 years now and I can’t stress how much it improves my day when I put on a good outfit and do my hair and makeup. It changes your physiology and mindset completely.

2) Learn something new. I’m signed up to Duolingo learning Spanish and also signing up for a few courses on Udemy and FutureLearn. Many of these are free. It’s important to keep your brain as engaged as possible and learning something new rewires those old neural pathways.

3) Find creative ways to date! Whilst dating as we knew it is on hold, all is not lost! It’s about getting creative. Set up FaceTime dinner, drink or coffee dates. Take inspiration from Love Is Blind (so addictive right?!) and practice fine-tuning your communication skills to get the most out of conversations. Netflix is also offering a ‘watch together’ feature, meaning people in two different locations can watch the same film or show together.

Here’s someone who has got it right! I love love love this thread on Twitter by Nina Sawetz! https://twitter.com/nina_future/status/1240257957050437632)

(Thanks to Saskia for bringing my attention to this!)

4) How to navigate relationships during the coronavirus. My favourite relationship expert Esther Perel in this NY Times article says that couples will need to be mindful of the different ways in which they process and react to crisis. We can’t deny that all relationships will be tested, and many will come out stronger for that.

5) How to deal with a breakup and reaching out to your ex. The urge to contact your ex might be heightened right now as it’s a particularly triggering time. Ultimately that is an individual choice and there is no right or wrong thing to do. However, I encourage you before you reach out, to carefully assess how this could impact your mental health. The current coronavirus situation doesn’t change what happened or went wrong to cause the breakup. Your ex won’t have changed as a result of it. It’s wise to be even more cautious of contact because if your ex reacts (or doesn’t react) in a way that causes you stress or anxiety, being in self-isolation can exacerbate this feeling. 

Those reasons that led the relationship to break down still exist. Is there a friend or family member that you can talk to instead when you’re tempted to call or text your ex? Someone who can help you see a new perspective? Really try and intercept that old thought pattern and habit and although it feels painful and often heartbreaking, follow up with a different action. This is the only way to truly break the cycle and create the distance you need.

This quiet time that you have although feels uncomfortable, is a chance to really take care of your mental and emotional health when it comes to your ex and to use social distancing to your advantage.

6) Read. Here is my library list over the past year or so. It’s a small portion of what I have read but might give you some inspiration! I’m hugely into psychological thrillers (it appeases my inner criminal psychologist!) and anything by Marian Keyes for soul-soothing humour, but do read non-fiction regularly too. The reason why I mainly opt for fiction is to enable my brain to switch gears and get engrossed in a juicy plot. Some might advise that you steer clear of reading or watching anything that isn’t upbeat but you do YOU!

Some of my top non-fiction books include -:

- The Artist’s Way – Julia Cameron

- The Power of your Subconscious Mind – Dr Joseph Murphy

- Big Magic – Elizabeth Gilbert

- I Love You And I’m Leaving Anyway – Tracy McMillan

- The Four Agreements -  Don Miguel Ruiz

And I have to give the book Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine a mention too. Probably the best book I read in 2019.

7) Rewire and heal. Having this quiet time is a huge opportunity for working through old subconscious beliefs that are negatively impacting your emotional and physical health. Whilst you’re out of your regular routine, it’s an optimal time to start. This week, I’m going to create a free resource for you on the steps you can take to do this!

8) Pamper yourself. At home spa day - yes please! Not only is this soothing but taking care of yourself shows your subconscious that you feel worthy and deserving of feeling good.

9) Laugh! Whilst the coronavirus is something to be taken very seriously, it’s important to find humour in our everyday. Laughing strengthens the immune system and is crucial for wellbeing and vitality. One of my favourite accounts to check out is Jackie Schimmel and her podcast The Bitch Bible. If you’re in the UK, Vic and Bob - especially their old material, are who I turn to when I need a really good laugh (though they’re an acquired humour - you either love ‘em or hate ‘em) and anything by Chris Lilley. I’m rewatching Lunatics right now - again, not for everyone but works for me! Just find something to make you laugh and see how much better you feel - even if it is momentarily.

10) Keep active at home. Here are some of my go-tos -:

PopSugar

Boho Beautiful

Yoga with Adrienne

Georgie Spurling

TIP: If you are loyal to your local yoga/Pilates/fitness class, reach out to your teachers and see if they are offering Zoom or Skype classes. I know many are in my local area.

11) Sign up for a challenge. There are some lovely art focused ones here -:

https://mymodernmet.com/coronavirus-quarantine-art-club/

A nice writing one here -:

https://www.scribendi.com/advice/30_day_writing_challenge.en.html

And a mindfulness one here -:

https://mindfulnessexercises.com/free-online-mindfulness-courses/28-day-mindfulness-challenge/

Mend also has some fantastic online classes that I highly recommend: https://classes.letsmend.com/

12) Sort out your wardrobe. Prepare for your comeback in style! Clearing out your wardrobe and committing to only keeping things that you feel fantastic in and that fit you, will help remove any stagnancy you feel in this area. None of us are going to be out socialising much or probably buying as many clothes so it’s also a nice way to experiment with styling your existing pieces differently. I love Lauryn Messiah on IG and Laura Blair on YouTube for style tips!

13) To Watch. Take some time to watch this YouTube video with Aubrey Marcus and Joe Dispenza on creating the future you want. It’s powerful.

14) Take care of YOU. I bet there’s been a time in your life where you craved time alone, to be able to operate in your day to day with a slower pace? Now is that time. Everyone is in the same boat so there’s no FOMO to be had and it really is an opportunity to focus on you and all pillars of your health. Rest, recuperate, recharge, eat well, hydrate, meditate, journal, set up that business, retrain your brain to change the old ‘DVD’, connect with loved ones via Skype or FaceTime, workout, sleep and get things done that will lead to a sense of accomplishment.

If you need extra support, I’m offering discounts on my 1:1 coaching during this time of self-isolation, so please reach out to me on laurayatescoaching@gmail.com and we can talk it through.

It’s all going to be ok and try to keep in mind that this is temporary. It will get better. For now, let’s do what we can with what we have.

Please do share any tips you have in the comments! Let’s all be there for each other.

Love,

Laura x

How to Deal with Heartbreak (And Rewire Your Thoughts) this Christmas

The holidays are a time of year that can be particularly triggering after heartbreak. It’s why we see so many articles and posts floating around the internet with titles including ‘How to Survive Christmas After a Breakup’ or ‘How to Make the Most of Being Single at Christmas’. Don’t get me wrong, there is often good advice and wisdom shared in such articles (I probably wrote something similar years ago!), but as my work is all about reprogramming, my aim with this is to hopefully shed a different light on it. 

There is nothing about Christmas that you need to ‘survive’ 

First of all, it’s about removing words like ‘survive’ out of your vocabulary. If you’re seeing yourself at a disadvantage because you happen to be single at Christmas, you’re setting yourself up for failure from the get-go. It isn’t about refusing to acknowledge that you might be hurting or feeling lonely at times. It’s about choosing how you view where you are right now. It isn’t something to be survived because the immediate association with that is pain and struggle.

Something that you can choose instead, is to reframe it to ‘How can I thrive this Christmas?’

Given everything that you’re feeling and going through right now, what do you need to thrive? What do you need to feel good? I like to work across 4 pillars; our emotional health, spiritual health, mental health and physical health. What do you need to tend to these 4 areas? These can be things like making sure you’re spending some time with friends and family and challenging yourself to get into the spirit of the holiday. It can also be ensuring you’re taking time to be grateful for everything and everyone you have around you. It could be being mindful that you’re still moving your body, hydrating and eating well. Really, it’s about committing to yourself (not your ex – you!) and making that choice every single day - Christmas or not. 

You are not defined by your relationship

It’s also important to remember that your relationship status doesn’t define you. We’re somehow programmed to believe that if we’re not in a relationship, we don’t get to enjoy occasions like holidays as much as everyone else (thanks to all those Christmas films right?!). It’s time to dismantle that old belief and to know that you are worthy of fun, enjoyment and happiness regardless of whether you’re in a relationship or not. It’s about really tuning into your thoughts and identifying those subconscious beliefs. Be mindful of how much attention you’re paying them because what you dwell on only expands.

Set Your Boundaries

An area that has also come up with clients recently, is the pressure we can be subject to from family and friends. This is a good way to work your boundary muscle and to know that the only expectations that really matter are your own - and ones that feel truly aligned and not from a place of ‘should’. If you feel under pressure to talk about your relationship status or dating life, you have to power to steer that conversation in a way that is honest and brings a sense of calm.

One client of mine who has busted through so many blocks when it comes to her sense of self and relationships over the past few months, has really felt the pressure in the past and was nervous about her annual Christmas meal with friends. Typically they press her for dating ‘stories’ and information - you know how it goes! She graciously navigated this by explaining that although a relationship is something she wants in the future, right now, her main priority is her own happiness and emotional wellbeing. She explained that yes, she is dating but her relationship status isn’t the nucleus of her life – because it isn’t. There’s no drama or crazy stories and she’s finding new joy with it by just going with the flow.

She did this from a place of true honesty and it encouraged authentic conversations with her friends – who were also curious about the magnetism they’ve noticed she’s exuding lately!

The result was that she felt relaxed, at ease and enjoyed the evening so much more!

What makes you happy?

Your main focus this Christmas is finding what makes you happy. This is true whatever the time of year. If you are looking to date, get out there and date! But don’t do it from a place of fear, pressure or because your ex is. If you want a relationship in 2020, this is great! But instead of believing it’s all about the right app, events and strategies (this is really just 5% of the equation), make a new commitment to yourself first. Work on your subconscious beliefs because we can only get what we want when we truly address what’s going on beneath the surface.

When we figure out what type of shadow is impacting our sense of self, self-worth and habits in relationships and start taking different actions, that’s when everything changes. You will be amazed at the people, love and experiences that start to show up in your life. You radiate a sense of magnetism - relationship or not.

Relax as much as you can and know that Christmas really, is just a time of year. Enjoy it for what it is and believe that when you make that true commitment to yourself, there is so much ahead for you in 2020!

I for one am sending you so much love over the holidays. I also just want to thank you all as always, for your support, comments and DMs - it is appreciated so very much and I am grateful for each and every one of you. I have so much great content in the works for you ready to launch next year and am excited about what it’s going to bring!

Laura x

7 Ways to Rewire Your Thoughts and Change Your Life After Heartbreak

Photo by Lucas Sankey on Unsplash

Learning how to rewire my thoughts and subconscious has been absolutely instrumental in healing from heartbreak.

Think of rewiring like reprogramming. Many of us believe that we’re inherently destined for a certain outcome or way of being. We might have thoughts and beliefs such as:

‘I always attract the wrong people’

‘I’ll never get over my ex’

‘I’ll never be good enough’

What’s important to know, is that no matter who you are, what you’ve been through and how you feel right now, those thought loops, those ways of existing can be changed. The reason it feels so part of you; so engrained, is because that old ‘DVD’ has been playing for months or probably years.

Past traumas or events - such as a devastating breakup, have created memories - conscious and subconscious, which have imprinted themselves in your brain, body and nervous system. That’s why it can feel impossible to move on from because they all feel like an innate part of you.

Here are 7 ways to break that cycle and finally find your way to emotional freedom and happiness.

1) Trust that you can heal

Right now, you might feel sceptical that things can change. Uncertain that you’ll ever get over your ex, that you can move on from this heartbreak. I get it, I’ve been there. But you need to focus on the small part of you that believes things can change - that you can move on and find happiness. The very fact that you’re on this page, reading this right now, means you are open to it. That is the first part of rewiring. To let go, have faith and trust. Hold onto that because it provides the gateway for your healing to begin!

2) Know that you don’t need your ex (or anyone) for closure

You might feel that to make everything better, all you need is your ex to come back. Or for them to apologise and give you answers and explanations. To give you closure. When your happiness and freedom is bound so rigidly to the actions of someone else, this keeps you trapped emotionally, physically and mentally.

I’m here to tell you – as a fact, that you have the power to create that closure right now for yourself. Your ex doesn’t hold the key to your happiness, your self-worth and value. You have to be willing to look far deeper than that - within yourself, and although it’s hard and it hurts, it’s such a beautiful lesson because it enables us to know how to always take responsibility for our own life and happiness.

3) Shock your system 

When your body, brain and heart is so entrenched in heartbreak, you need to shake up your routine and old habits (the ones that aren’t helping you at least). The reason for this goes far beyond the surface level of giving yourself new distractions just for the sake of keeping busy. The purpose, is to rewire those old neural pathways, which shocks the body and brain and offers it something else to focus its attention on.

If you get up at a specific time and immediately dwell on those thoughts that just won’t dissipate, try waking up a little earlier, get out of bed the other side and do something different than you usually do. Dry body brush and get your lymphatic system going, do some meditation, read or get your clothes on before you even have time to lay in bed and ruminate and go for a walk. Intentionally make a new choice.

Whenever we feel stuck and stagnant, we need to give ourselves a new task to focus on. Some people even do things like learning to write with their left hand if they’re right-handed.

For me, when I understood the science behind creating new routines from a neural plasticity perspective, it really helped motivate me to put these changes in action. It’s all about overriding that old ‘heartbreak DVD’ with a new one that supports this next phase of moving forwards.

4) Learn to expand your self-worth

When we’re so engulfed in heartbreak, it can completely strip our self-worth. Heartbreak can also trigger old wounds from our past and even childhood. The memory can act as a catalyst for past memories that we might have buried. Part of truly overcoming those is to find ways to expand on how we value ourselves. Look back on your relationship and life history and really get honest with yourself. Have you accepted people and situations where you were left feeling undervalued? Have you tried to gain validation by compromising your own needs and becoming a person you don’t even know? Has there been co-dependence at play?

This is why rewiring isn’t about ‘thinking positive’. To truly change - and to change for the long-term, we have to be brave and step out of character.

Your job now, is to give yourself what you needed when you didn’t receive it from your ex, a family member, a co-worker or anyone who has had an impact in your life. You have to value and treat yourself like you want to be treated by another person. You might not feel worthy of it, but stepping up for yourself right now at your lowest, in the way you might wish your ex would, is the only way to create a noticeable shift. It takes you from victim to victor and I assure you, it changes every aspect of your life.

5) Visualise

Like meditation we hear a lot about visualisation. But here’s the thing; the brain doesn’t know the difference between what’s real and what you are imagining - when you’re at the stage of really feeling into the visualisation. Something I did during heartbreak (and do now for other aspects of my life), was to spend time every day visualising how it would feel to be happy. What would I be doing, who would I be spending time with, what kind of places would I visit, what would my friendships be like, what would my work be like, how would my health be? How would it feel to be free of the shackles of checking my phone 24/7 and sleepless nights?

In your visualisation, imagine what kind of person would you be if you were fully healed. How would you go about your day, who you would surround yourself with, what choices would you make, what boundaries would you have and act on?

The more consistently you do this, the more that feeling that you create during the visualisation starts to shift and seep into your everyday. I assure you, although this sounds a bit ‘fluffy’, don’t underestimate its power!

6) Find something greater than yourself

Whenever I've felt at my most vulnerable, broken and unsure, finding meaning in something bigger than myself is always what has seen me through. It's why I get so much fulfilment through this blog, my work as a coach and getting to connect with you all every day.

It's easy to get absorbed in our own stuff. An instant way to shake ourselves out of that, even for a few minutes, is to do one small thing to help someone else. Or to connect with someone else. Or to find a portal that gives us some kind of bigger meaning outside of our own problems. To get curious about the world, to try something different.

Don't wait until you feel completely healed, happy or whole. Do it now, because it will assure you that no matter where you are or what you're going through, you still matter, you still have impact and you have so much unique value in the world. It's then that you will start to feel healed, happy and whole.

When you can find something - anything, outside of yourself, you always know that whatever happens, you're going to be ok.

7) Intercept the thought loop

When you feel those all too familiar thoughts that send you plummeting, stop them in their tracks by literally saying to yourself “Stop”.

Notice the thought, don’t judge it. Just observe it and recognise it as that old thought that served you at one point maybe, but now you’re exhausted by. Choose a new thought that’s a few notches above that old one on the emotional scale.

As an example, the old thought could be:

‘It’s so unfair fair that he/she has moved on so quickly. Why do they get to be so happy and I’m the one still heartbroken??!!’

 The new one could be:

‘They’ve moved on and I don’t feel great about it. But I know the more I dwell on that the more I’m keeping myself stuck. I know that I have to take full responsibility for how I move forwards now. It has nothing to do with my ex and I can at least feel good about knowing that I have the power to change.’

That might be a bit long-winded but you can see where I’m going with it! The more you take inventory of those old thoughts that tempt you back into that dark, stagnant place and choose new ones that support you moving on, the more you will rewire that old DVD.

I really hope you’ve found these tips helpful. I’ll end by sharing a quote by one of my biggest inspirations Dr. Joe Dispenza, which perfectly summarises what this post is about.

“To change is to think greater than how we feel. To change is to act greater than the familiar feelings of the memorized self.” 

Let me know if you put these tips into practice! I’d love to hear.

Love,

Laura x

If you are interested in taking this work further, I work privately with people 1:1 and within that, I create powerful guided reprogramming audios tailored to what you’re going through. If you would like to work with me on a bespoke basis you can get in touch here or book here.  

How to Move Through Heartbreak with Grace

As we all know, the process of heartbreak is messy. What I’ve learnt though, is that there are many ways where we can move through heartbreak with grace, whilst still honouring the pain, shame, the lows and the myriad of emotions that we might be feeling.

When we think of the word ‘grace’, we typically see it as something physical. What immediately springs to my mind is a ballerina or someone who just seems to move with elegance. You all know someone like that I’m sure! What I’ve come to understand though, is that grace is so much more - it isn’t something that’s just physical. It’s an essence we exude and embody on an energetic level.

What moving through heartbreak with grace isn’t, is pretending everything is ok, burying down all the hurt and sadness and painting a smile on our face that crumbles as soon as we’re alone.

What it is, is being fully aware and conscious of how we’re choosing to react or respond to a situation. It doesn’t mean that the situation isn’t any less painful, but it means that we’re taking a step back and choosing to just observe what’s going on as opposed to reacting to it.

A classic example could be seeing your ex on social media with someone else. Although this feels shitty and painful, instead of frantically texting them demanding to know how they could do this to you and seeking answers, or then retaliating by posting pictures of yourself on social media that are completely inauthentic, you decide instead, to remove yourself from the emotional drama of reactivity. You choose not to engage in their social media or remind yourself that if you do see something, it isn’t a reason to reach out. You stay in your grace.

As I said before, it doesn’t mean pretending you are fine with it - it’s going to hurt. But harnessing that sense of grace is about taking a step back and therefore taking your power back. Reacting on impulse completely depletes us of our power. This has been a really tough lesson for me to learn, which is why the word ‘grace’ is one I try to ground myself in on a daily basis.

Grace also helps us to truly understand our worth. When we choose to observe the pain we’re in - and this can be romantic, in our work, with friends or any life situation, it helps us to actually deal with that pain and go inwards to figure out what we need to grow through it. Healthy ways to deal with that pain. So instead of texting your ex, you might choose to journal it out instead or speak to someone about how you’re actually feeling. It isn’t about putting on a brave face, refusing to cry or feeling like you have to hold it together to the outside world. It’s about getting clear on your triggers and to actively decide to stop participating in any drama that fuels them.

Being graceful also means not trying to force things. No matter how much you try and get answers from your ex, you will never get the ones you want or that will help you heal when you’re coming from a place of reactivity. By stepping back and just allowing your ex to do their thing, by stopping keeping tabs on them and staying in your lane, you will learn to see that you will be ok. You will get perspective and in time, that urge won’t feel any near as potent. You will start to feel more worthy, more deserving and more indifferent to the whole situation. It creates that detachment you’ve been looking for.

Ultimately, you’re re-wiring your subconscious mind to learn a new level of strength. One that you weren’t even aware you had. This also filters in to so many areas of your life. It isn’t about sitting back and being completely passive to life and people. You can (and should!) still have boundaries, but stepping away or saying no or having confronting conversations won’t be rooted in drama or feelings of insecurity, unworthiness and angst.

Finding grace is often about slowing down. Reconnecting and moving through the emotions you’re feeling as opposed to bulldozing through them and trying to keep as ‘busy’ as possible.

This is a quick post but I know this concept of embodying grace in all areas of my life has really helped me and I hope these ideas have helped you too. I’d love to hear in the comments about what grace means to you!

Laura xx

Why Won’t They Fight For Me?

Photo by Hunter Newton on Unsplash

This question comes up a lot in the messages I receive from people. They’ve come out of a breakup and typically, their ex was the one who maybe cheated or was engaging in behaviour that was disrespectful in some way. The person messaging me is the one who seemed to make all the compromises, sacrifices and bended their boundaries big time to try and make the relationship work.

The breakup happens and the person who acted in ways that hurt the other has now descended into victim mentality, wants to give up, even if the other person was willing to forgive and fight for the relationship.

 “What gives? Why won’t that person fight for me when I was willing to let go and forgive to save this relationship?!”

Although logically and intellectually we know that this kind of emotional dynamic isn’t one that will end well, on an emotional level it still hurts to know our ex doesn’t want to fight for us. It seems unfair and like we’ve completely lost control. We want to be the one who walks away with our crown in place and head held high but it feels like the only way we can feel valued is if our ex says ‘I want to fight for you, I’ll do anything it takes.’

When what they say is the opposite, or if they seem defeated, want to walk away and decline our offer of forgiveness, it hurts. 

What you always need to come back to is if the trust has gone on some level, no amount of ‘fighting’ will be able to erase that. Whilst relationships take work, communication and compromise, the need to ‘fight’ for a relationship is a huge red flag in itself. I think the idea of it has been glamorised in films, romantic novels and TV but in reality, there are too many people in the world out there who you can find a much more harmonious relationship with. It won’t be like a fight. It might not feel it now because you had so much pinned on that person and that relationship but that doesn’t mean you should need to fight to make it work, if it’s already broken. 

After a breakup, we also don’t have a clear perspective of the difference between what we want and what is good for us. They are two different things. When we’re so emotionally attached to someone, we think we might want to forgive and forget because we’re reacting from a place of heightened emotion. We’ll do anything to keep that person even if it means going way against our values and boundaries. The only way to see what is good for us on a soul level, is to create that emotional distance.

The remains of a relationship can’t be rebuilt on quicksand. If you’re not both in it with all your heart after both taking time to reflect and get perspective in a healthy way, your only choice is to walk. 

If the person who has cheated or done wrong in some way has lost the will to continue the relationship - whether they’re in denial or even if they do regret their behaviour, this is your green light to exit once and for all. That’s all you need to know.

Although it’s devastating when this happens and of course, our confidence can plummet because it feels so personal, you have to keep looking at the long-term, bigger picture.

Whilst you are in those raw times of hurt, sadness and feeling like you deserve more, have things like journaling, EFT (tapping), a support network and doing things that make you feel grounded and nurtured in place. But always be thinking of the future you who will be thriving when this period ends. Know that although it feels sh** now, you walked away from something with grace and dignity; knowing what is best for your highest self, even if you had to suffer the hurt in the short-term. 

Not fighting for someone or a relationship isn’t about fairness and it’s not about thinking we deserve it if we’ve put all the effort in. It’s awful when we’re cheated on and it’s natural to take it personally but when we look at it like a transaction e.g. I was the one cheated on, I’m willing to forgive so therefore I deserve to be fought for, it becomes more about our ego and needing that person to validate us rather than stepping out into the unknown and learning how to validate ourselves.

That is what you truly deserve - to set yourself free to live your life in alignment with your values and when you feel ready, find someone who you won’t have to fight for, who won’t engage in behaviour that compromises your boundaries. To be with someone that, you know, it feels a lot easier with and who you feel loved by and valued by 100% of the time! 

Walking away from something and someone that isn’t right will give you so much more self-worth than trying to be fought for by someone whose heart just isn’t in it. Or in a relationship dynamic that is broken and one-sided.

When your ex doesn’t give you what you feel you need, it’s the best lesson you can enrol in when it comes to confidence and self-love. Because you can learn how to give that to yourself. And that makes you truly unstoppable.  

Laura xx

How to Find Love when You're Losing Hope

If you constantly feel like your time has passed, that you’ll never find anyone ‘better’ than your ex or that every relationship potential seems to only serve to reconfirm your fears about love, then this one is for you.

I also want to add a full disclaimer to this post - I am not in a relationship myself right now. I really believe it’s important for me to be transparent about this because I can assure you, as I write this, I fully empathise, understand and appreciate all the fears that you might be experiencing too. I’d like to say that I’m not in a relationship because I love and choose to be single. Well, I do like being single ha but would I like a relationship? For sure!

My personal reason isn’t that I’ve gone through romantic heartbreak recently, that I’ve been on a string of dates that didn’t work out or just can’t seem to seek out that ‘spark’ (which I have my own unique views on anyhow but that’s for another post!).

I’m a big believer in not dwelling on things but again, for transparency, the past 2/3 years have been the most challenging times I’m sure I’ll ever go through when it comes to my health and it hasn’t made for a particularly vibrant or active dating life! With that, so many fears have arisen. I’ve been hell-bent on improving my health and luckily now, I’m almost fully healed. And I really am enjoying dating more but my god, it’s reminded me what these dating waters are made of!

This post isn’t about me, but I wanted to add this in to let you know that I’m right in this one with you my friends :)

(This also isn’t a ‘how to date after bad health’ type of post but just wanted to give you some context!)

So how do you begin to believe that love is out there for you?

You Believe in You

Regardless of your reason - heartbreak, dates not working out, never getting past the third date, feeling like you can’t seem to meet your soulmate no matter how many dates you go on, a health crisis or a personal challenge, the first thing I want you to know, is that before you even begin to believe in love, you have to believe in you.

When we’re in this timeline or lack-focused mindset, it exposes us to firstly over-analyse. Ourselves, our fears, other people, the idea of love, the correct route to finding ‘the one’. It can drive us crazy.

Secondly, it also makes us question our past in a negative way. I know when I was out of a rough breakup and feeling shaky or despondent about the prospect of love, I’d often think ‘maybe if I’d have been a little more open to compromise’ ‘maybe the relationship was better than I thought - every relationship has ups and downs’, ‘maybe what he did/said wasn’t that bad after all….’

There’s a big difference between owning your mistakes and where you might have overreacted and then discounting the bad things to boost the good to an unrealistic level because you’re scared of being alone forever.

The truth is, love will be very hard to come by whilst you still don’t believe in yourself, your choices and your ability to know right from wrong. You can get out there dating buzzing with outer confidence but the minute something triggers your inner insecurities, the following things can happen -:

- You meet someone you like and ignore those small signs that this person isn’t right for you. They don’t match your values, show signs of emotional unavailability, might cross boundaries, play hot and cold but yet you like them and so you over compromise and overlook the things that ring inner alarm bells to you.

- You find it hard to distinguish the good person from the right person who aligns with your core values.

- You become timeline and outcome focused.

- You continue the pattern of falling for the wrong people. When this happens, it’s no coincidence.

You have to start believing in yourself. How to do this? You get comfortable with your fears and insecurities and you become friends with them. You practice choosing and engaging in healthy relationships in all areas of your life - not just romantic. You learn to become confident in your decisions, choices, your values and what’s important to you. You make all of this a part of your daily life.

As James Altucher, one of my favourite writers and speakers says, you ‘Choose Yourself’. 

Believing in yourself is more than affirmations in the mirror and vision boards. Sure, that can help but it’s the actions that create the self-belief and this starts long before pasting pictures on a corkboard or signing up to another dating app. It’s not always easy and it might mean being single for longer, but I assure you, it’s worth it.

For me, although my health put me at a disadvantage when it came to being able to meet someone, I can’t just be a victim and put the entire blame on that and not take responsibility. I haven’t ever really put my health as a proper priority in the past (despite always claiming I was into ‘wellness’) and so, I’ve had to pay the price and learn how to. I’ve had to see and focus on my qualities that I could bring to a relationship outside of the external things we typically use to validate ourselves. All of those external validations I couldn’t really rely on so much, so I had to dig deeper.

I’ve also had to learn how to be way more compassionate, kind and understanding of others and not get too self-consumed. I now place so much more emphasis and attention on a person’s qualities and emotional awareness/intelligence as opposed to their job, looks, level of success etc.

It’s certainly not been a linear thing and it’s been hard. But what I’ve gained will serve me so well in my next relationship and I feel very grounded in my worth (and others’) as a result.

Become the Person you Want and Deserve to be in a Relationship with

It’s very easy to take a shopping list approach to meeting someone. I’m big on being clear on your core values when it comes to a partner and not settling, but we often forget that until we become that person, act like that person and live up to those values we seek out, we’re usually looking for something in someone to provide a practical or emotional security blanket.

So before you start writing off people because they’re not this or that (hey, we’ve all been guilty of it!), start to become that person for yourself. The more you do, the more you’ll start to gravitate towards and attract the same kind of people. Like attracts like. You’ll also be more confident in walking away if something isn’t right - yes, even if you’re crazy attracted to that person!

Don’t Focus too much on it! (Then you’ll see there’s no such thing as a Lack of Love.)

We all feel the pressure - especially as we get into our 30’s and beyond. It’s easy to say to not worry about it but I know that’s tough. Honestly though, the longer you spend fretting, the less you’re living your life, which will be what actually gets you meeting people and feeling happier and fulfilled.

Help others, find a passion, nurture your existing relationships, be healthy, have fun and work through those insecurities to get more comfortable with yourself. The more you do this, the less pressure you’ll start to feel and that is when love will begin to look much more abundant.

I hope this helps anyone who needs it. Remember, you’re not alone in the way you feel. We’re all in this together and I strongly believe it can be so reassuring to know that :)

Laura xx

The Bounce Back Podcast: Overcoming Adversity & the Art of the Bounce Back with Lauryn Evarts Bosstick

Image from Lauryn’s Instagram

On this week’s episode of the Bounce Back Podcast, my guest is Lauryn Evarts Bosstick, the founder of The Skinny Confidential and co-host of the Skinny Confidential Him & Her Podcast.

I’m proud to be an OG follower of Lauryn’s so you can imagine my excitement when she said she’d love to come on the show!

Lauryn and I have such a fantastic conversation about the true art of a bounce back. What I particularly love about this episode, is that it’s packed full of Lauryn’s practical advice and tips.

We talk about what it really means to bounce back in love, life and business and how to take those steps to do so. We chat self-love, stoicism, business, relationships, how to go after the relationship you want and deserve, self-improvement, comparison and Lauryn gives us the lowdown on how to rejuvinate your skin, body and mind whilst going through heartbreak! (Well, I couldn’t let her get away without sharing some of her skincare and beauty advice!)

This episode was such a joy to record and there are countless takeaways for you to utilise to take control of your own bounce back right now.

LISTEN IN HERE

The resources Lauryn recommends -:

@dailystoic

The Daily Stoic - Ryan Holiday

Awaken The Giant Within - Tony Robbins

The 48 Laws of Power - Robert Greene

Find Lauryn at The Skinny Confidential 

Lauryn's IG: @theskinnyconfidential

TSC Him And Her Podcast

Hope you enjoy! Here is the link again on itunes to listen in.

Laura x

How to Keep Going when you Feel Like Giving up

Pic snapped by Saskia Nelson of Hey Saturday

I didn’t actually plan to write this post but it’s something that’s been on my mind lately. If you’ve been through the trenches of a breakup, heartbreak, health struggle, career breakdown situation or just feeling like life is throwing you one sh** brick after another, you’ll know how hard it is to get back on the horse of positivity and keep going.

(Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a post just about ‘staying positive’ ;) )

The reason why I wanted to write this, is because I totally get it. I was there throughout a previous breakup and it’s something I’ve experienced in my life recently, in a different way. Most people find me through my work in heartbreak; mainly breakups, but heartbreak can come in so many forms. It can also manifest physically in a multitude of ways. 

You may have read a few of my older posts around my health challenges. As this blog is for the purpose of helping you, I won’t go into the nitty gritty of all the details but to keep it brief and offer some context, the ‘health heartbreak’ as I’ll call it, went on for some time and keeping on going, remaining ‘positive’ and finding a way up was a challenge to say the least!

As mentioned, I don’t want this post to be all about me but I just want you to know that I’m coming at this from the ‘I get it, I’m with you’ perspective. 

So whether you’re going through a breakup, a health struggle or any kind of heartbreak that's completely unique to you, I wanted to share some coping techniques that I implemented and still continue to, that might be of use to you too.

1) Be grateful

I know, you’ll have probably heard this one a zillion times over but there’s a reason why you hear gratitude being spoken about so much. It’s POWERFUL. If there’s an instant way to defuse those feel bad vibes, it’s gratitude, and even if it doesn’t directly change your situation, it changes your perspective. 

I love this quote by Roy. T Bennett -:

“Great things happen to those who don't stop believing, trying, learning, and being grateful.” 

Being grateful shifts you from a dwelling, passive and stagnant mode into a receptive one. Being in the here and now and catching that glimmer of light through the darkness. From there you're open to new ideas, hope and inspiration. Whatever you’re going through, it’s not about discrediting it or trivialising it. Breakups are rough. Heartbreak can be agony; physically and emotionally. But you will ALWAYS have something to be grateful for. It could be something tiny such as a beautiful colour you spot in your home, a song on the radio, a call you had with a friend yesterday. The more things you list, the more you will find. 

 2) Look to others as examples

This is all about finding evidence that ‘if they can do it, I can too!’ Whenever I feel like giving up or resigning myself to always feeling this way, I find examples of other people who have come from a similar place as I have and are thriving. I’ve done this with my health and I did it when I was going through my last breakup. 

You’ll often learn that for those people, it was also a process, but seeing them a few steps ahead of you or even miles ahead, can give you the fuel you need to know it’s possible for you too. As humans, we’re all really made of the same stuff. Yes, our genetics are different, our DNA is different, our backgrounds and social conditioning are different. But ultimately, we all have the same potential regardless of academic intelligence, appearance, wealth or background. When it comes down to it, heartbreak is the ultimate equaliser, shakes us all to our core and mindset trumps everything. So look to others as a way to remind yourself that if they can, you can!

3) Rewire and reprogram your brain

Something that I’ve been studying intensely over the past 6 months is how (and why) to rewire your brain. Honestly, it’s mind blowing!

What this means is learning how to identify and change your internal and subconscious beliefs to heal. Say you just can’t seem to get over your ex despite doing everything in your power. Yup, you’ve read all the books and all the articles and nothing seems to help.

Even though on a conscious level you want for the pain to be over more than anything, deep down, some of the beliefs you could be experiencing might include not feeling good enough to be alone or in new relationship, being scared of your identity without your ex, not wanting to let go of your ex or being afraid of change. 

With health, it could be not believing you’re worthy of having perfect health, being scared of what would happen if you were healthy, feeling unsafe in the world, being afraid to speak your truth, not believing that you’re capable of taking care of yourself…..

Ultimately the process of rewiring is individual and allows you to tap into those deep rooted and often insidious reasons that are keeping you stuck - usually they’re a little ‘WTF?!’ and enlightening to discover! It’s then about calming down your limbic system to get into a parasympathetic state as opposed to a fight or flight one to then begin to rewire those old patterns and turn them into new ones that will support getting over your ex, getting back to perfect health or whatever situation you’re looking to bounce back from. 

This process includes a highly repetitive blend of elements such as affirmation, visualisation and action. I’m going to do a separate post on this though - let me know any specifics you’d like me to cover. Honestly, this one is a game changer!

4) Just DO something

Feelings of depression tend to go hand in hand with heartbreak. Of course, there are different degrees of depression and if you do feel concerned about how you’re feeling or struggling, I really encourage you to seek support from a licensed and fully qualified therapist/expert or doctor who can offer the right tools to help you. Having that kind of support can be incredibly powerful. But right now, let’s talk about feelings of depression.

I’m not going to lie, over the past year when I was really going through it, I sometimes spent days in bed feeling emotionally numb. I isolated myself and felt like the days were on Groundhog Day repeat. It sucks. Depression is the worst kind of emotion because it’s passive. There’s no energy behind it. 

Nothing is impossible but it can be very tricky to go from feeling depressed to absolutely elated in a short space of time. No amount of affirmations can make your subconscious believe it! But aiming just a few rungs up the emotional ladder is more do-able. Even moving from depression to frustration or anger is an amazing step, because those emotions have energy behind them. You can DO something with them. 

To ignite that emotion climb it requires you to create energy within your body. Do jumping jacks, go for a walk, cook, clean, call a friend, do something which makes you feel like you’re ‘doing’ something. Movement is a great one. A brilliant definition of emotion is ‘energy in motion’. My personal new favourite is to put on a great tune and dance like a lunatic and let everything I’m feeling move through my body. I listened to a Tim Ferris podcast with Aubrey Marcus recently and Aubrey was talking about his ecstatic dance ritual to extract lower emotional feelings out of the body. 

It’s amazing how when we resign ourselves to staying stagnant, we embody that physically and emotionally. We feel tired. We feel worse inside. But just a little movement or environment change can be all we need in that moment to shift and get an extra rung up the emotion ladder. 

 5) Be the inspirer you need

Imagine that your younger, childlike self is feeling how you’re feeling. Going through this experience. What would you do or say to them to help them through? To keep them feeling inspired, safe and nurtured? When I thought of the younger me going through what I was dealing with, it immediately shifted me from victim mode to ‘right, let’s do this!’ because I want to take care of her. I’d hate to think of my 7-year-old vulnerable self feeling unsafe in the world and in her body. So by giving her that reassurance that everything is ok, it gives me that too. By taking care of her, I take care of me. It helps me access an innate kind of wisdom where nothing can stand in the way of my healing - for my 35-year-old self right now and for my 7-year-old self. 

Just know that whatever heartbreak you’re going through, it will pass. Feel it, be ok with it, know that it’s a human experience, know that like a captain steering a ship sometimes you have to adapt and go left, sometimes you have to go right; it isn’t a linear path. Do what you can to keep yourself moving forward a tiny step every single day. That’s all it takes.

Plus, you have your bounce back celebration to keep you going and look forward to! I'm a huge believer in celebrating all the wins and getting through heartbreak is one to be celebrated big time! To help you do that, I’ve just added a really exciting new service to my offerings! I’ll be doing a separate post on that next week but you can read all about it here - events are something I LOVE to plan and it brings me no greater joy than to help clients and friends plan their own bounce back celebrations!

I hope you enjoyed this post and would love to hear your thoughts on your bounce back methods!

Laura x

5 things to Help with Heartbreak (that you might not have thought of before!)

Pic by Saskia of Hey Saturday

I remember when I was going through heartbreak and spending hours on google and delving into self-help books searching for answers, tips and advice. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about! Of course, some of it was incredibly useful and served me well to put into practice, but there are a few other things that I’ve explored and which have really done wonders in cultivating more confidence, self-worth, skills, friendships and purpose.

So, I thought it would be fun to put together a post on some of the more unique things that really helped see me through, and then out of heartbreak in the best way possible.

1) Start a blog

When I went through my last major breakup, I found comfort in writing. Writing is always something I’ve loved and turned to whether that be creative writing, composing articles and blogs or song writing. So it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to start writing about my own experience of heartbreak via a blog - the early days of this blog in fact! Not only did I find it a cathartic and therapeutic experience writing out what I was feeling and learning, it also enabled me to connect with so many people around the world who were going through the same thing. The fact that others found my words meaningful and of value - something they could also use for themselves, it gave me a new purpose during a time when I felt depleted and somewhat useless on every level.

I’m not saying that you have to air the gory details of your heartbreak or breakup for everyone to read - starting a blog or just putting pen to paper doesn’t have to be related to your heartbreak at all! When I read other people’s blogs, I’m always so curious as to what it was that propelled the person into starting it. 9 times out of 10, it’s usually to fulfil a void of unhappiness or emptiness or to mark a turning point in their life.

The whole creative process of blogging is something that can cultivate joy, release and purpose from the get-go.

2) Start a business

My blog eventually turned into my business of helping people through heartbreak on a more personal level. Again, this isn’t specifically what I am suggesting you do (unless you want to, in which case, go at it!) but out of so many of the people I work with, an interesting realisation that often comes to light, is an inner desire to start a business, side business or project. Heartbreak tends to make you reassess everything in your life and that often includes looking at where you’re the most unfulfilled and with many people - their career unhappiness or dissatisfaction is the thing they’ve avoided confronting. So why not actually go for it? Use your heartbreak as fuel to start that business or side project (that might eventually turn into a business) that you’re deeply passionate about!

There are countless examples of people who have started successful companies, small businesses or undergone radical career changes rooted in their passion after the ordeal of heartbreak. Use it as a catalyst to go after what you want! The fact that so many other people have (including me!), just goes to prove that it’s totally possible for you too!

3) Take a solo trip

Venturing out alone can feel like the most daunting thing in the world. Especially when you’ve been used to having someone there by your side most of the time. I took a solo trip to the US back in 2016 and it was the best thing I could have ever done at that time. Yes, I was nervous but the thrill and exhilaration of traveling alone, not knowing what to expect, being open to all kinds of new experiences and meeting new people did wonders for my confidence and zest for life. I had no specific plans or agenda and I went with the total goal of going with the flow whilst seeing as much as possible. I came back into Heathrow feeling like a new woman armed with new ideas, aspirations, friends, experiences and an LA glow that granted, was out of a booth and yes, wildly overpriced but hey, it’s swings and roundabouts ;)

I really encourage anyone to travel alone however near or far that might be. It cultivates reassurance that you can take care of yourself and is the ultimate way to create new memories. Plus with sites like Air BnB, it’s really easy to do things on a budget. I usually get a room in someone’s place when I travel for more than a week as it’s cheaper but it’s also a good way to meet new people who can help you out with the local area.

If high end is more your thing though, I’ve recently discovered a new app called Hotel Tonight where you can book luxury hotels last minute for a substantial discount! Ultimate luxe travel hack right there!

4) Reach out to 5 people and ask them to go for coffee

This one might sound a bit weird but hear me out ;) Something that has helped me immensely recently after going through 2 tough years in 2016/17 health-wise (which kind of felt like a heartbreak, albeit not a romantic one) has been getting out and meeting new people. Not necessarily just in a dating capacity, but in general.

Heartbreak in all forms can feel like such a stifling, isolating experience but with the likes of social media, it’s easier than ever to form new connections that can then turn into IRL friendships. I’ve used Facebook groups, Twitter, Instagram and meet-up.com to make amazing new friends who do all kinds of interesting, unique and inspiring things whether that’s in their careers, ventures, hobbies or just in their character. Nearly every friend I made in my visits to LA over the past 3 years originally came via social media!

Whenever I meet someone new or form a friendship this way, I always leave feeling uplifted and almost like some colour has been splashed back into my life. Interacting with people totally creates new and refreshed perspectives.

It’s probably the inner entrepreneur in me that is drawn to meeting people this way but it could also be just reaching out to people you haven’t seen in a while - old friends or ex colleagues you miss. It’s not about trying to accumulate as many friends as possible. I’m a firm believer in the idea that true friendships are about quality not quantity. This is more about just finding ways to broaden your social circles and the type of people you spend time around.

And if there’s someone you’d just really like to get coffee with because you love what they do or really think you’d get on - what’s the harm in reaching out?!

5) Write thank you letters

I can’t take credit for this one as it was inspired by an amazing lady who I worked with in the past. One thing she did after going through her breakup, was to write letters to all her friends and family who supported her through the experience. It enabled her to immerse herself in gratitude as opposed to dwelling on the heartbreak, and of course, it made everyone she sent one too feel loved and appreciated too.

How often do we receive thought out hand-written letters or cards that genuinely express our thanks and appreciation these days? Erm, not very often! I think it’s a fab thing to do (and plus, it gets you off your phone wondering if you should text your ex, right?! ;) )

I really hope these ideas have given you some food for thought or inspiration! The most effective way that I’ve found to alleviate heartbreak stress and counteract the feeling of loss, is to not try and find someone else to cure that, but to immerse yourself in something else. Start pursuing your passion in whatever form that is - a blog, business, fashion, writing a book, volunteering, music, writing, art - anything! I assure you, it will give you so much fulfilment, joy and hope for the future and could easily turn into something better than you ever imagined.

I’d love to hear any other unique coping tools that you’ve turned to following heartbreak?

Laura xx

How to Use Heartbreak as Fuel for Reinvention

Illustration for the Newsette by Ellie Benuska

This week I had the pleasure of writing a guest post for The Newsette. If you haven't signed up for it, make sure you do - I'm such a fan! It basically curates the best inspiring, motivating and informative career-focused content from around the web for busy women that you can read before your first morning cuppa!

I wrote a post for them sharing advice on how to use heartbreak as fuel for reinvention. You can read it here and hope you enjoy!

Love,

Laura x

How to Manage Life when going through Heartbreak

Getting over a breakup is tough enough in itself, but managing other responsibilities and obligations such as work, college, school and socialising can make it seem all the more overwhelming.

I’ve received quite a few emails around this so thought it might be useful to address it in a post in the hope that it will help anyone who is struggling with managing their healing whilst navigating everything else going on in their life. I know how overwhelming it can feel!

I remember when I was going through this and what really helped me, was to avoid compartmentalising. I tried not to see my work and other responsibilities as separate 'tasks' to my healing and instead, found new ways to use them to fuel and compliment it. 

It can actually be really useful to have these other things going on in your life as a way to focus your mind and attention. Although all we might want to do when going through heartbreak is to hole up under the duvet for days (or weeks) on end, that usually ends up perpetuating what we’re feeling even more because our minds get saturated with thoughts of the breakup. It’s all consuming.

Whilst something like work and actually being productive once there can seem like an almighty uphill struggle, it can lend itself to be a positive distraction and a way for you to channel your brain in a different way. 

Whether its work, college, your business, school, friends, family, your social life in general, you can still work on your healing at the same time. Although, I really do believe that it’s crucial to only take on what you can during these more vulnerable times. Don’t try and overload yourself and stick to what you have to do, and what you want to do!

When it comes to school/college/uni and earning a living, these can’t really be avoided so see them as an opportunity to get yourself into a different environment from one of the heartbreak you’re feeling. Plus, actually getting up out of your heartbreak pit, getting dressed and out the house to get there is a huge in itself! You’re showing up and that’s an achievement! 

It’s not about trying to forget what you’re dealing with once your there (as this might seem impossible!) but more about committing to focusing your attention on the task in hand in small chunks. Just take it in the smallest sections of time possible if you have to. Class by class, meeting by meeting, project by project and so on. 

Time and attention blocking this way will remind you that you can still accomplish and keep control of your life. It can also offer you some new found fuel and inspiration to work harder at your goals and objectives. But you can also factor in some of the more calming healing techniques throughout your day too. Even something as simple as getting out for a walk at lunch can make such impact on how you feel. Or 20 minutes of reading, journaling and some deep breathing in those oh-my-god-I’m-gonna-burst-into-tears moments can really help too!

Try and get in some exercise throughout your working day (Tip - I recommend installing a free pedometer app on your phone to keep track of how many steps you're taking. Even just getting up away from your desk and walking around the office really helps them add up!) , keep yourself well hydrated and choose nourishing foods instead of reaching for quick fixes like sugar and caffeine. I promise you, it sounds boring and simple but will help your mood, energy and how you feel about yourself!

Creating fresh memories is something I also really recommend. You could try taking a different route to wherever you need to get to, listening to some new upbeat music when you’re on your way there and home, grabbing your morning latte in a different coffee shop. The smallest things help to create new, more positive neural pathways in the brain instead of it being triggered to ruminate on the past. There’s nothing worse than passing that same coffee shop every morning where you might have met your ex for breakfast or always called them at lunch and thinking back to those times, dreading how you’re now going to get through the day!

Make new associations with work or school instead.

When it comes to friends, family and your social life, this is where you can be a little more selective. Spend time with people who you genuinely feel good, uplifted and safe around (i.e. not people who suck and drain your energy!) People who you can be transparent with but who aren’t going to encourage you to talk about the breakup over and over. There comes a point where going over the same old ground and trash talking your ex just isn’t helpful. 

Having good people around you who are compassionate about where you’re at but can still make sure the conversation isn’t centred around your ex will definitely help your healing. Laughter, even the shortest, most subtle bursts of it, is THE best medicine and the ultimate antidote to heartbreak. Having the right people on your team to encourage this can be amazing for your wellbeing!

I also really recommend using your social life as a tool for your healing. Surrounding yourself with existing friends but also again, making fresh memories by trying new things and meeting new people. This will help to infuse your world with a sense of moving forwards instead of staying stuck in the past.

Empower yourself to do what you want to do. Strike some sort of balance that’s right for you. If going out with friends after work is just too draining right now, put yourself first and stay home. It’s more than ok to take time out from your usual Thursday night cocktails (and as we all know too well, alcohol and heartbreak ain’t exactly a match made in heaven!)

If you know you just need time to rest your body and mind, do it. Healing is also about instilling your own boundaries and placing your emotional and physical needs as THE top priority when something isn’t a ‘must do’. 

I really hope you found this helpful! Wishing you a great week ahead as always and please do let me know in the comments if you have any more specific questions around this one!

Love,

Laura x

Powerful Lessons I Learned in 2017

Pic by Hey Saturday

Happy New Year to you all! I hope you had a great night and enjoyable day however you spent it. So with 2018 now here, I thought I'd talk about some of the most powerful things I’ve learned from 2017 in the hope that you can take some value and apply in your own life.

As I mentioned before, I’m not really into resolutions and 2017 saw me play around much more with intentions. Good on anyone that makes resolutions and enjoys the process but for me, they feel too regimented, overwhelming and you can leave yourself ripe for self-sabotage as soon as you step off-track.

My intentions are much more about checking in with myself daily and asking myself how I want to FEEL. I definitely have goals, but I know I’m much more likely to achieve them if everyday I’m thinking about how I want to feel and leading with that as opposed to approaching resolutions with gritted teeth and stressing about whether I’m making enough progress and feeling bad if I don’t live up to them or see them through.

Some examples of my daily intentions have been -:

- To feel energised

- To feel alive (not literally, but truly alive)

- To feel what I'm feeling without worrying!

- To feel relaxed

- To feel creative

- To feel inspired

- To feel like I’m showing up looking a million dollars in my appearance

- To feel like I’m getting sh*t done!

- To feel like I’m offering value

- To feel flirtatious and playful (a fun one!)

So I’m definitely going to continue with this because hey, if it ain’t broke….

Next up, I learned that it does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to compare yourself to other people, whether that’s online or off. There will be so many people talking and writing about their 2017 highlights and whilst I’m ALL for celebrating the wins and best bits, it can be helpful to remember that many people choose not to put out there the moments, days or months of struggle.

People often don’t want to reveal their ugly cry moments or things that have gone wrong - they choose to keep it private (which I’m all for) and so it can help to remind yourself of this just to keep some perspective.

There was a point in 2017 where I felt like I’d lost my way a little. I found myself comparing who I was and what I was doing in life, business and love/dating/relationships to other people and it was the most stifling and stalling experience that did NOTHING for my health, relationships or work life.

Later on in the year, I chose to abandon this and get INSPIRED instead of comparing. I’ve taken multiple breaks from social media, focused on myself and the people around me who really matter (because that has been a learning too!), thought about my work and business in a way that feels good to me (and took my time with that) and gained inner confidence back.

(On a side-note, a big tip I have is to switch off your phone in the evening. Read a book that isn't on an electronic device, do something creative or just relax. 2017 was also the year I read more books than any previous year and it's been such a rewarding experience that I'd forgotten. It opens up your imagination and can make you feel like you're having a conversation with a dream mentor depending on what you're reading!)

So, 2018 is all about staying on my own path and reminding myself the only permission I need is my own. It’s about listening to my inner alert system when something feels ‘off’, checking myself on the comparison monitor and it’s about not caring what other people think so damn much or holding off things in fear of what people might do, say or think.

It's exhausting to spend your life worrying about other people’s opinions and putting them on an invisible pedestal you’ve taken precious time and energy to carve out - that they’re not even aware they’re on!

A little more superficial, but this is one that has brought me a surprising amount of joy and that’s been rediscovering my love of style, beauty and wellness. I’ve always harboured a passion for these (I used to write a fashion blog and was a fashion and beauty writer professionally at one point) but I really dove back into this in the later part of 2017. It’s made me feel even more like ‘me’ again and I’m excited to incorporate more lifestyle content into my work. (Leave a comment and let me know what kind of posts you’d like to see!). After all, healing from heartbreak, bouncing back and reinvention can work on multiple levels - there’s inner work to be done sure, but the creativity and self-care aspect of style, beauty and wellness never goes amiss either!

Personally, I know coming back to this part of me has helped me reconnect to myself even more.

A good question you can ask yourself for this year is if there's a core part of you that you’ve lost a connection with? Was there something you used to do or love that you've side-lined? Don’t undervalue how much fun and happiness it can bring you by reintroducing even just a piece of that back again.

Something else I’ve been reminded of, is that when it comes to confidence and self-esteem, the more you believe you're worthy and what you have to offer as a person is of value, the more other people will respect and respond to that accordingly. If you’re doubtful about yourself, people have a radar for it. Your dating life becomes one filled with anxiety instead of fun, people you meet don’t gravitate towards you quite so much and whatever you’re putting out into the world is tarnished with your inner doubt and therefore isn’t received as well.

Simply put, the more faith and passion you have in yourself, the more others will. The more respect you’ll get and the better results you’ll have in all areas of your life. This isn’t about ‘faking it until you make it’ (urgh) it’s about practicing it until you believe it. And it’s a constant thing - I don’t believe there’s a level of perfect, absolute confidence. 

So how do you even begin? Well, it's about doing things that make YOU feel good, not comparing yourself to others, being your own cheerleader, having faith in YOU, working at your crafts with laser focus, having boundaries, pushing your comfort zones to expand your inner knowing and being open to change - all of these are integral to cultivating confidence. It can feel scary but in my opinion, that’s a worthy trade-off!

Celebrating the good stuff in the everyday is what I want to end this post on. We’re so conditioned to focus on the bad, the struggles, the annoyances, the heartbreaks, the stresses. What I really learned in 2017 as I stripped many things away, was that when something good happens, celebrate it! I was fortunate to get some great press and opportunities before Christmas and there was a point when I might have taken this for granted.

This time though, I enjoyed it, I felt good about it, I savoured it. I’ve had some beautiful conversations with people that I truly appreciate. I’ve enjoyed experiences that at one time I might have overlooked in sight of the next best or big thing. I’m as ambitious as I ever was but I’ve truly learned the art of stepping back to appreciate and live in the moment more. This has been one of the best changes in myself that I’ve witnessed and it’s something I'll definitely be taking even more into 2018! I really do encourage you to think about how you can celebrate everyday moments more too. It’s a game-changer.

So there we have it :) I also just want to thank you all so much for all your emails, comments and support. Every time I receive one, it makes my day and I’m so looking forward to bringing much more to you in 2018. I want this year to be incredible for you – your best yet, and I’d love to know what type of posts you’d like to see more of to help with that. Do let me know in the comments!

I also have some other things in store for you but will reveal more in January ;)

Wishing you a fantastic New Year however you’re spending it. And if you are alone - know that you’re not really alone. The person you’ve spent every minute of every day of your life with is you - you are your own hero, cheerleader and soulmate so embrace that, appreciate yourself, show yourself the love that you crave and set some fun, bold and intentions that you're actually excited to live by in 2018 - because we’re all in this together and we’ve all got this!

Love,

Laura xx

How to Reinvent yourself after Heartbreak this Christmas

Pic by Hey Saturday

With Christmas coming up, I know how this can bring up feelings of dread and despair if you’ve gone through heartbreak. Yes, it’s supposed to be a happy time, but it can also be hugely triggering.

On the flip side though, it’s also an amazing time to think about what you want for the next year. I know it’s not easy, but looking forward instead of remaining in stagnancy is so crucial to healing and setting some momentum.

I’m not really about New Year’s Resolutions, I’m more of an intentions kinda girl. These aren’t so ‘goal’ orientated and just feel more fun, less dogmatic and less overwhelming.

When it comes to intentions, the idea of reinvention has been on my mind a great deal recently so I thought it might be useful to talk about some ways that you can use your heartbreak as rocket fuel for your reinvention and why right now, before the New Year is the perfect time to kick start these into action!

1) Be grateful every single day

As one of my faves Tony Robbins says “I believe the ultimate path to enlightenment is the cultivation of gratitude. When you're grateful, fear disappears. When you're grateful lack disappears.”

I know there’s a ton out there about gratitude and it can seem somewhat fluffy and surface level, but I promise you, when you get into the mindset of having some sort of gratitude practice on the daily, your life will change in profound ways.

It isn’t just about being grateful for people and possessions, it’s being grateful for your setbacks and your heartbreaks, what they've taught you and how they've spurred you to use them as fuel instead of sitting in despair. It's about being grateful for embracing how much light your pain will bring (because it will if you’re committed for it to).

2) Call back in the person you were at your best

Reinvention can also be creating a reunion with your core, best self. Think back to a time in your life when you feel you were at your best. When you felt unstoppable! What were you doing? How did you spend your time? What boundaries did you have in place?

For me, my absolute best self was when I was in my late teens and early 20’s. Not from a maturity perspective (ha, hell no!) but the way I approached life and the things I was engaging in. I was prepared to ‘be a beginner’ and that brought me so much inner freedom. It was when I felt the most ‘me’.

So part of my own reinvention for the next year is bringing those elements back in, not being afraid to be a beginner and merging those parts of my best and most vibrant younger self with the woman I am today.

3) Don’t sit in your setbacks but USE them

There's a lot of people talking about their setbacks - I have on here plenty of times. And whilst I know talking about our struggles makes us feel less alone, more connected and helps create empathy, I also know that setbacks, failure or the feeling of failure, completely and utterly sucks. Plus, talking about it too much can keep us stuck in victim mode and it can gradually become part of our identity. So instead of bathing in your setbacks and failures, use them as a match to light the fire of your reinvention.

Learn from them and actually do something different to make sure you don’t get the same result again.

4) Know that forgiveness is your ticket to happiness

Forgive and let go. Others and yourself. If someone has done you wrong, it isn’t letting them off the hook, it’s letting yourself and your emotional freedom off the hook. Leaving more room to live the life you truly want and deserve.

5) Learn something new

It’s been proven that learning something new creates new neural pathways in the brain. (Honestly, it's fascinating!) This will help to form new memories, new habits and encourages your brain to operate in a completely different way - which is often what’s needed when you’re in a place of stagnancy.

If you don’t know where to start, write down 50 things you’d be curious to try and then pick something you feel excited about and just give it a go!

6) Stick to your own path

I advise people I coach to have an open mind about many things, but when it comes to your overall vision for yourself and your life, something I’ve learnt is that it pays dividends to stick to your own path. Enforce a productive kind of tunnel vision. Yes, you can get inspired by others but there’s a fine line between inspiration and then comparison, jealousy and the type of influence that knocks you off-course.

The idea isn’t to become a copy of someone else, it’s to become the best version of you in all your unique glory! The less you look to others around you or on social media to give you permission and external confidence and instead, having full faith in your own path, the more you start to truly live and flourish with freedom. 

7) Don’t care what others think but care about what matters

Similar to 6, staying on your own path is also about being your own cheerleader and not caring what other people think. My god I wish I’d have learnt this one sooner. There is nothing more physically, emotionally and mentally stifling than waiting for someone else to tell you you’re good enough to start that project, end that relationship that’s toxic or just not right, or do that crazy thing that your heart is screaming for.

You don’t have anything to prove to anyone.

I have seriously paid the price for this on all levels and it’s taken a lot of work to reach a point where now I don’t seek or wait for permission from anyone. 

However, I care where it matters. I request and take people’s perspectives and suggestions on-board and am always grateful for that. I just choose wisely who I go to and whose opinions I allow in.

This one isn’t about being reckless and disregarding everything and everyone. It’s about caring so much about what you want that you put 100% love and thought into it. It’s about caring for yourself throughout that and having ultimate respect, compassion and fire for yourself and the process regardless of the outcome. And it’s about caring for the people around you who really matter.

When it comes to love too, I know how easy it is to get caught up in thinking we need to change in order for someone to like us. My best piece of advice from experience is that changing to accommodate others is a fast track to anxiety overload because it isn’t sustainable.

Here’s what you do - you change for yourself.

This will probably involve looking at your own stuff and facing that head-on instead of hoping someone else will take it all away. It isn’t easy and will take time and work. But I assure you once you commit to having ultimate respect, love and faith in yourself and who you are (despite the blips that life throws at you along the way), you will attract the right people who honour that and who probably think the same about themselves too. E.g. the perfect recipe for a healthy relationship. Like attracts like after all.

8) Try a new look

Perhaps a lot fluffier than the other ones, but reinvention means evolvement and let’s be real, it’s amazing how better fitting clothes, a new shade of lippie or a fresh hair style can help you step into the ‘you’ you want to become!

9) Your health is your emotional, mental and financial wealth

Focus on this first and everything will follow.

10) Have faith that even after heartbreak, you can still find love again

I’ve experienced it and have helped countless clients who have proved this time and time again. It sounds corny but once you learn to fall in love with yourself and life again - using the art of reinvention to do so, love with someone else will come without painful effort and you don’t feel so dependent on a timeline.

Whilst you’re still hoping that finding love will fix everything, you're looking at something external as the source of your happiness and wholeness, and that makes you powerless. When you focus on yourself, you’re taking back you power in every way. You have control. The love will come, I assure you, and when it does it will be better than ever because YOU will feel better than ever!

So there you have it! I hope this helps you and as always, I'm sending you lots of love especially for the holiday week ahead.

If you’d like to reach out to work with me privately, you can do so on laurayatescoaching@gmail.com

Love,

Laura xx

What to do if you’re Still not 'Over it'

Pic by Saskia of Hey Saturday 

You probably feel like you’ve done absolutely everything you’re ‘supposed’ to, you’ve followed all the advice, all the 'do’s' and 'don’ts' and yet you’re still not over the heartbreak. For some this feeling can creep in after weeks, for others months, and even years for some people.

What I want you to know is that you’re not alone in this feeling. I really wanted to write a post on this topic because not only have I experienced it myself, but I know and have worked with countless others who have too. 

The thing about heartbreak, is that it isn’t linear. There isn’t a set time limit by which you should be ‘over it’ and it also depends on the complexities of the relationship or what you’ve been through. That’s why you can never compare yourself to someone else’s experience.

I recently had an email from someone who asked me how to speed up the process. Like I always say, there isn’t a quick fix to getting over heartbreak and you can't exactly expedite it. But there are things we can do that will, let’s just say, help things along. Unfortunately, this doesn’t usually involve a simple ‘5 step’ plan from a google article. I know I know, that’s not what any of us want to hear but like a sugar fix is only temporary and leaves you hungry for more and feeling all sorts of wired, it’s kind of the same thing when it comes to dealing with heartbreak. 

Usually, the biggest reason why we fail to ‘get over it’ is because despite intellectually wanting that more than anything, on a deeper, more subconscious level, we haven’t let go because we don’t want to or are scared to. Not intentionally and this isn’t our fault - the subconscious sure is a tricky one to figure out! 

On one hand, you’re wanting to be over it and frustrated as hell at that, yet creating an inner contradiction by ruminating over the past, wondering if breaking up was the right thing, questioning if you’ll ever find that relationship because months/years on even though you’ve dated, you still can’t seem to find anything or anyone that sticks. The initial effort of doing ‘all the things’ is there but a part of you still keeps looking back and isn’t really letting go at all. 

Usually, because truly letting go propels us into the unknown. It means total acceptance and it means changing old habits. The thing about habits, is that even if they’re not working, they’re safe, they’re comfortable, we know the outcome of them, and they’re our identity. 

So try asking yourself what would really happen if you did, 100% let go? What would that mean? What part of yourself and your past would you be shedding in favour of the new and unknown?

What kind of feelings come up from that? There might be some uncomfortable ones but that’s ok. 

If you really want to get over the heartbreak, honestly, you have to be prepared to change this identity you’ve created for yourself. You have to put in the work to change the habits and gradually replace them with ones that are more aligned to moving on. That are more aligned to you, who you want to become and what you want for your future. 

You have to 100% believe you can and will get over it and know you want to on every cellular level. You have to know that despite what you're feeling, there's a future out there for you that isn’t tarnished by that breakup, person or heartbreak. 

Some relationships or situations will leave a mark, even a scar on our hearts, but that still doesn’t mean that we can’t find love, fulfilment and happiness in the future. We just have to want it enough. 

Here are some things that it might mean -:

- Accepting that your ex is with someone else - dating, in a relationship with or married to. BUT also 100% deciding to believe that it doesn’t mean you weren’t good enough and instead, knowing that by the very nature of them being with someone else, the relationship wasn’t right for you.

- Accepting that just because you’ve dated, met loads of people and it hasn’t led to anything, it doesn’t mean that breaking up with your ex was the wrong thing or that you won’t find anything/anyone better for you.

- Letting go of regrets. It's a cliché but for a reason!

- Owning up to the crap/habits/behaviours that aren’t working and taking the steps to change them. And taking those steps again and again. Creating new habits is like teaching a child something - they have to be told over and over, not just a couple of times. 

- Treating yourself like the person you want to be (and how you want to be treated in a relationship). Having full respect for yourself and seeing this through in your thoughts, actions, habits, behaviours - everything!

- Embracing the unknown.

- Knowing that it’s ok to feel sad, hurt, lonely, frustrated and that it’s actually very healthy. But to also know that these feelings don’t have to define you. You don’t have to sink into them and you have the ability within you to choose better ones.

- Knowing that this all takes persistence and patience.

- Getting support, advice and help from others but ultimately knowing that the decision to let go has to come from you. When you make that decision, you have everything you need within you.

- Believing that letting go is the key to your emotional freedom.

- Knowing that forgiving (yourself and anyone else) is the biggest key to being over it and TOTALLY reclaiming your emotional freedom. 

As always, you have my full support and believe me, you can do this. You can let go and move on if you really want to, I assure you :) 

I have some fun style/fashion themed Christmas posts coming up next so excited to be preparing those for you!

And if you'd like to find out about working with me 1:1, please email me on laurayatescoaching@gmail.com

Love,

Laura x

11 Ways to be Unstoppable (in Life and Love)

After going through something such as a breakup, health crisis or any life shattering experience, it really makes you think about how you want to live life moving forwards. Like there has to be a better way, right?

This is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.

Being ‘unstoppable’ was one of those things I saw in others but never felt like I could attain myself. Truth was, I never felt worthy of it. Until I had enough of watching from the side-lines and made the decision to take ownership of myself, my life and decided that following a ‘prescription’ or template wasn’t going to cut it. 

I’ve spent some time recently thinking about the ways in which I’ve modified my own approach to life after experiencing many ups but also, many downs over the years, and here is what I’ve come up with. There are no ‘rules’ but living by these principles or at least, always being conscious of working towards them (hey, we’re all a work in progress!), has helped me immensely when it comes to ALL areas of my life.

So here goes :)

1) Know what you have to offer and own that 100%. I can’t count the amount of times where I have completely lost sight of my strengths, talents and skills in favour of believing what I had in comparison to others was sub-standard, not as good, exciting or lack lustre. Whilst this isn’t about being cocky, it is about knowing your value and not accepting anything less than that. You have to constantly remind yourself of the reasons why you deserve that incredible relationship, friendship, job or opportunity. 

Keep mastering your crafts in the way only you know how and putting them out there. Be proud and don’t get caught up in what everyone else is doing. You’ll only end up diluting down the one-of-a-kindness you have within you.

It’s this that is your secret sauce, your secret weapon and makes you totally unique and therefore, unstoppable in your very own way.  

2) Know that setbacks are inevitable. No one really loves a setback. They’re annoying, upsetting, frustrating as hell and can kick us down further than we ever thought we'd fall. I’ve experienced this in love, health and career at various points and in the moment, it’s damn hard to get yourself back up again. But you have to. You have to keep that faith because the best comebacks come as a result as using the setback as fuel. Every single day you have to take a tiny step towards your big, bold comeback by doing just one thing. And trust me, with this attitude you will get there. 

3) Looking to others and comparing what you have/are/do to them is a recipe for insecurity, jealousy and chasing after shiny objects that might not actually be aligned to who you are or what you want. The internet is truly an amazing way to connect with people, get inspired and make real-life friends too, but it also comes with its pitfalls. Not only is social media ripe with people showcasing their happy relationships, expensive wardrobes, jet-setting careers and social life that isn’t always a true portrayal of what’s really going on, but it’s also rampant with bad news, complaining, negativity and smoke screens. 

Whilst it’s not about ignoring that this is how the world has evolved and refusing to embrace that, you have to take responsibility for how much of it you buy into. Comparing at the (pricey!) cost of your self-worth can be the most toxic form of procrastination regardless of whether what you see is real or not quite so. You can totally lose sight of who you are.

There have been times where just scrolling on Instagram or Facebook has left me emotionally depleted, not knowing the cause, and with an overwhelming sense of feeling less than and berating myself for not being where I ‘should’ be in life. Or worse, getting eaten up inside by feelings of envy and jealousy. Gross, but I’m sure you can relate?

That time would have been much better spent creating something for my business, actually doing the things that would get me where I want to be or just doing what makes me happy. This is where there is a benefit to having tunnel vision. Get inspired of course (some of my best outfit ideas come from the ol’ IG!) but don’t get sucked in. 

This can take hold much closer to home too. The same idea applies though. There is no fixed template that you should be following and the fact that someone else has what you want just means you can have it too - if it’s what YOU really want and not what you think you should want. So give yourself the space to figure that out. 

4) Don’t drop your own standards for others. If the person you’re dating or in a relationship with is operating on a moral or emotional level that doesn’t align with yours or who’s behaviour/lifestyle is constantly clanging (or just tinkling!) alarm bells, know when to step away. This isn’t about being high maintenance or refusing to compromise, it’s about knowing your standards and staying true to them.

No matter how much you like or even love someone, a relationship based on mis-matched values in particular, is going to cause you stress, drama and probably, future heartbreak. You don't have time for that - walk away now and you’ll thank yourself later, trust me. 

5) Don’t make decisions when you’re in a state of emotional hot-mess-ness, unrest or panic. Some of my worst decisions in love and professionally in particular (would you like me to share more on these?!), came as knee-jerk reactions that were down to poor health, needing a quick fix or just from a place of lack. They weren’t properly thought through from a calm and logical state of mind.

But this point goes for relationships too. It can be very easy to say or do things in the heat of the moment, respond to that text from your ex or send one to them when something else has just happened to trigger a reaction in you. There were countless times in past relationships where I sent text messages that could rival the length of War and Peace to a boyf/ex boyf in the midst of a reactive emotional crisis and then found myself reading them back the next morning regretting it and attempting to backtrack. OR (mostly!), wishing I’d have just stayed silent, keeping my head firmly held high. 

My golden rule now is to give myself 24 hours before I do anything. You will usually see things differently and if not, at least you’ve given yourself time for your emotions to settle if it still feels like the right thing to do.

6) The quality of your health is the foundation for everything else in your life. Relationships and professional life included. When you feel off-kilter and don’t know where to start, begin with working at balancing the components of your physical, emotional and mental health and see how this ripples out to other areas. 

7) Know it’s never too late. Whether you’re single in your 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, 70’s, 80’s and even beyond, it’s never, ever too late to find love. You have 2 choices; mope around telling yourself you’re past it so what’s the point OR get out there and refuse to look at the people who are happy in relationships at your age as the only way the world works. It isn’t. Just because that’s what you’re choosing to focus on, it doesn’t mean it’s the only way. Focus instead on using the coupled-up people as inspiration of what’s out there for you. Choose to see the amount of people who are also looking for what you want because I assure you, there are plenty out there! 

It’s never too late to reinvent yourself in any or all pieces of your life and there are countless examples of people who are likely older than you who have done just that. Some, multiple times. 

It’s really very simple; stay stuck in your mouldy beliefs or get out there, be the example and make things happen.

8) If you commit to something, firstly make sure it’s 100% what you want. And then, always do your best but don’t deplete yourself. A bit like 5) not reacting in the moment, it can be very easy to say yes to things that in our gut don’t feel quite right. Only say yes to something that feels right on a cellular level. 

Sure, we all have to do things, especially when it comes to work, that aren’t always ideal. But is taking that a temporary measure, providing a financial cushion/giving you skills/allowing you time to get you to where you want to be OR is it going to completely suck your soul dry and lead you further off your path because you’re mentally, physically and emotionally drained?

It’s the same with anything though - how you approach dating (intentional swiping rather than mindless!), your romantic and business relationships and friendships. 

If you do commit, commit with integrity and with an inner promise to do your best and give your all to that commitment. But don’t stretch to the point where you’re over-giving. Giving ‘your all’ doesn’t mean putting yourself to the bottom of the pile to the benefit of someone else, an opportunity or a work role. (And by the way, it’s also ok to say no or step back at a later date if it isn’t right or compromising your health, heart or wellbeing.)

Giving your all means looking after yourself first to do your best, to stay true to your word, to deliver your best. It means showing what your standards for yourself are from the onset.  

9) When you respect yourself and live with that as a purpose, others automatically respect you too. 'Nuff said :)

10) See things for how they really are. We overcomplicate things so much. If someone you’re dating isn’t showing you the same level of respect, isn’t acting on their word or is going hot and cold, don’t try and justify it by telling yourself and others that the situation is ‘complicated’ so you’re hanging in there just to see. When someone likes you, they show you. Take off the rose tinted-s. Dating and relationships come with complications totally, but where signs are being pointed out to you, don’t look too deeply into them, get caught up in the drama or choose to turn a blind eye. Simplify it down to what it really is and what it really means. 

Walking away might feel hurtful, disappointing, like you’re admitting defeat or have failed, but in reality, the exact opposite is happening. You’re taking control, showing ultimate respect for yourself and choosing for yourself instead of playing puppet for someone else.

Move on as there is someone out there who won’t make you ask these questions. 

11) Have fun and find your way to approach life in a way that works for you. We can take life so seriously and yes, it comes with things that need to be taken seriously, for sure. But I always like to approach the ‘self-help’ (urgh, I really hate that term!) aspect of what I do from the perspective that whilst inner work is crucial, happiness, a great relationship and an unstoppable life in general doesn’t have to mean following all of the very ‘prescriptive’ advice that we can be bombarded with. 

If you hate meditating, don’t do it! If eating the way all the health bloggers with banging bodies eat makes you feel like crap, don’t eat that way. If the advice in that 7th self-help book makes you completely cringe, that isn’t the only advice. If totally removing alcohol from your life makes you miserable (if alcohol wasn’t having a detrimental effect on your life or health of course) don’t do it. Enjoy the wine! Find your own moderation.

You are unique and what works for you will be unique. 

The key to the ‘inner work’ being more effective and less laborious, is to find a way that feels good. It’s not about someone else having all the answers. You can look for guidance, advice, help and support in others and try things out as that’s how you’ll learn, grow and discover. But you always have to take full ownership of you. Be your own leading role in your life. Piece together your own formula.

It’s not even the self-help aspect of life either. The more you’re having fun, taking opportunities that excite you, working towards something that really makes you come alive, dating in a way that doesn’t feel like a chore, engaging in relationships where you feel relaxed, happy and where it’s on mutual respectful terms, the better your life will be. You’ll be more resilient, enjoy higher quality relationships and be unstoppable without even trying.

So there you go. These have all helped me immensely and I really hope they can help and inspire you, in your own way too. 

(If you'd like to find out about working with me 1:1, please email me on laurayatescoaching@gmail.com)

Love,

Laura xx

Can you Stay Friends with an Ex?

Following on from my last post about why an ex might reach out to you, when it comes to staying friends with exes, it’s murky waters indeed. When you have someone in your life who you feel so close to - physically, emotionally, spiritually perhaps, to just cut ties when you break up can seem impossible, if not unbearable. This is when the friendship conundrum comes in and where things can become incredibly hazy.

So here are a few thoughts to consider when it comes to staying friends with an ex. I really appreciate that all of these are the tougher side of things to think about, and as always, I write everything with compassion because I've been there too and approaching it honestly was what helped me. 

First of all, you need to think about the genuine reason you’re wanting to stay friends. It’s crucial that you get real with yourself on this one. In my own experience and through the many people I’ve coached around this, too often we can use the idea of remaining friends just to keep that person in our life and avoid having to cut ties. 

But think about friendship and what that means for a second. If you’ve broken up, something went wrong there. Can you really create a new immediate dynamic of friendship based on what caused the two of you to part ways romantically? Perhaps it was amicable, but even so, can you really be friends with your ex in the truest sense of what friendship means and detached of those emotions?

When people do get completely honest with themselves (and I know too well how hard this can be), staying friends with their ex isn’t really with the intention of friendship, even if they don't quite realise that. It’s with the underlying hope of maintaining a connection, the relationship being rekindled, having an excuse to stay in touch or a way to keep tabs on what your ex is doing and who with. Those inquisitive questions are innocent and ok because you’re friends, right? 

Especially in the case of where the relationship didn't make you feel loved, alive, heard, respected and happy, is holding onto friendship the life you want to be living? Is that who you want to be? 

You deserve so much more. 

It’s almost like settling for the cheap meal deal version of the relationship where you’re never, ever going to be fully satiated and wind up with a hangover. What if your ex meets someone new? Even in the breakup situations where nothing 'bad' as such has happened, would you really be able to handle that news in the same way as a platonic friend telling you the same thing? 

Something else that often quickly becomes apparent when this situation occurs too is that the void of that person no longer being in our life only illuminates gaps in other areas. Such as other friendships. Your ex might have felt like your all or your companion but a romantic partner should really serve a different purpose and fulfil a different need than what a friendship does. You can totally be friends with your partner in a relationship of course, but have you been relying on them too much for things that it’s perhaps healthier to get from external friendships? 

(One of my all-time favourite psychotherapists and relationship experts Esther Perel talks a great deal about this. )

If there is a lack of human connection and this form of soul nourishment in other parts of your life, it can make letting your ex go seem even more daunting and impossible. But if this is what’s happening, try and see it as something to embrace. When I was in this place and felt powerless, the silver lining was that it gave me something to work on. To do. You might feel completely empty after going through the breakup itself, but having parts of your life open to fill with new people, experiences and learnings is such a gift because you can take action on it - even if it doesn’t seem that way now. 

I’m not saying that you 100% can’t be friends with an ex. I had a conversation with a friend just yesterday who told me that after time apart from her ex, when they next spoke, the dynamic from both sides had completely shifted because they’d each had time to understand why the relationship didn’t work and see that romantically, they weren’t a good fit. Neither had hard feelings towards the other - in fact they respect each other a great deal. But all of those past emotions had been released, let go and they were approaching it on completely new grounding. I also know many people who have formed a type of friendship with their ex after time. 

So, it can of course happen. With the caveat that only after significant time (or enough time) has passed for both of you to have consistent no-contact distance and work on making your own life the best, fulfilled, full and nourished it can be independently of your ex. You both have to have grown in your own way. 

Even then, what can often happen is that both people see that friendship isn’t necessary, possible or healthy. Sometimes, people aren’t supposed to stay in our lives forever and that’s ok. It’s all been for a purpose and is never, ever wasted. 

I know it’s hard - I really do. You know that everything I share is rooted in my own experience. But cutting that tie is so crucial in having the ability to move forwards. Feigning friendship - even with the best, most wholesome intentions when you're feeling so upset by the breakup, is truthfully only setting you up for stagnancy, comparison and continuing to sprinkle salt in the emotional wound.

Give it time, give yourself time to breathe and time to re-discover yourself. 

Try and see it as an opportunity. A chance to fill those gaps and to learn to give yourself what you feel you don’t have. You have everything you need within you, you really do. Please trust me on that :)

I think that's some ex stuff covered for now ;) I'm putting together a new post for you about my personal beliefs I live by when it comes to life and love so can't wait to share that with you soon. 

I really hope you found this post helpful and if you'd like to find out about working with me 1:1, please email me on laurayatescoaching@gmail.com 

Love,

Laura x