health

How to Keep Going when you Feel Like Giving up

Pic snapped by Saskia Nelson of  Hey Saturday

Pic snapped by Saskia Nelson of Hey Saturday

I didn’t actually plan to write this post but it’s something that’s been on my mind lately. If you’ve been through the trenches of a breakup, heartbreak, health struggle, career breakdown situation or just feeling like life is throwing you one sh** brick after another, you’ll know how hard it is to get back on the horse of positivity and keep going.

(Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a post just about ‘staying positive’ ;) )

The reason why I wanted to write this, is because I totally get it. I was there throughout a previous breakup and it’s something I’ve experienced in my life recently, in a different way. Most people find me through my work in heartbreak; mainly breakups, but heartbreak can come in so many forms. It can also manifest physically in a multitude of ways. 

You may have read a few of my older posts around my health challenges. As this blog is for the purpose of helping you, I won’t go into the nitty gritty of all the details but to keep it brief and offer some context, the ‘health heartbreak’ as I’ll call it, went on for some time and keeping on going, remaining ‘positive’ and finding a way up was a challenge to say the least!

As mentioned, I don’t want this post to be all about me but I just want you to know that I’m coming at this from the ‘I get it, I’m with you’ perspective. 

So whether you’re going through a breakup, a health struggle or any kind of heartbreak that's completely unique to you, I wanted to share some coping techniques that I implemented and still continue to, that might be of use to you too.

1) Be grateful

I know, you’ll have probably heard this one a zillion times over but there’s a reason why you hear gratitude being spoken about so much. It’s POWERFUL. If there’s an instant way to defuse those feel bad vibes, it’s gratitude, and even if it doesn’t directly change your situation, it changes your perspective. 

I love this quote by Roy. T Bennett -:

Great things happen to those who don't stop believing, trying, learning, and being grateful.” 

Being grateful shifts you from a dwelling, passive and stagnant mode into a receptive one. Being in the here and now and catching that glimmer of light through the darkness. From there you're open to new ideas, hope and inspiration. Whatever you’re going through, it’s not about discrediting it or trivialising it. Breakups are rough. Heartbreak can be agony; physically and emotionally. But you will ALWAYS have something to be grateful for. It could be something tiny such as a beautiful colour you spot in your home, a song on the radio, a call you had with a friend yesterday. The more things you list, the more you will find. 

 2) Look to others as examples

This is all about finding evidence that ‘if they can do it, I can too!’ Whenever I feel like giving up or resigning myself to always feeling this way, I find examples of other people who have come from a similar place as I have and are thriving. I’ve done this with my health and I did it when I was going through my last breakup. 

You’ll often learn that for those people, it was also a process, but seeing them a few steps ahead of you or even miles ahead, can give you the fuel you need to know it’s possible for you too. As humans, we’re all really made of the same stuff. Yes, our genetics are different, our DNA is different, our backgrounds and social conditioning are different. But ultimately, we all have the same potential regardless of academic intelligence, appearance, wealth or background. When it comes down to it, heartbreak is the ultimate equaliser, shakes us all to our core and mindset trumps everything. So look to others as a way to remind yourself that if they can, you can!

3) Rewire and reprogram your brain

Something that I’ve been studying intensely over the past 6 months is how (and why) to rewire your brain. Honestly, it’s mind blowing!

What this means is learning how to identify and change your internal and subconscious beliefs to heal. Say you just can’t seem to get over your ex despite doing everything in your power. Yup, you’ve read all the books and all the articles and nothing seems to help.

Even though on a conscious level you want for the pain to be over more than anything, deep down, some of the beliefs you could be experiencing might include not feeling good enough to be alone or in new relationship, being scared of your identity without your ex, not wanting to let go of your ex or being afraid of change. 

With health, it could be not believing you’re worthy of having perfect health, being scared of what would happen if you were healthy, feeling unsafe in the world, being afraid to speak your truth, not believing that you’re capable of taking care of yourself…..

Ultimately the process of rewiring is individual and allows you to tap into those deep rooted and often insidious reasons that are keeping you stuck - usually they’re a little ‘WTF?!’ and enlightening to discover! It’s then about calming down your limbic system to get into a parasympathetic state as opposed to a fight or flight one to then begin to rewire those old patterns and turn them into new ones that will support getting over your ex, getting back to perfect health or whatever situation you’re looking to bounce back from. 

This process includes a highly repetitive blend of elements such as affirmation, visualisation and action. I’m going to do a separate post on this though - let me know any specifics you’d like me to cover. Honestly, this one is a game changer!

4) Just DO something

Feelings of depression tend to go hand in hand with heartbreak. Of course, there are different degrees of depression and if you do feel concerned about how you’re feeling or struggling, I really encourage you to seek support from a licensed and fully qualified therapist/expert or doctor who can offer the right tools to help you. Having that kind of support can be incredibly powerful. But right now, let’s talk about feelings of depression.

I’m not going to lie, over the past year when I was really going through it, I sometimes spent days in bed feeling emotionally numb. I isolated myself and felt like the days were on Groundhog Day repeat. It sucks. Depression is the worst kind of emotion because it’s passive. There’s no energy behind it. 

Nothing is impossible but it can be very tricky to go from feeling depressed to absolutely elated in a short space of time. No amount of affirmations can make your subconscious believe it! But aiming just a few rungs up the emotional ladder is more do-able. Even moving from depression to frustration or anger is an amazing step, because those emotions have energy behind them. You can DO something with them. 

To ignite that emotion climb it requires you to create energy within your body. Do jumping jacks, go for a walk, cook, clean, call a friend, do something which makes you feel like you’re ‘doing’ something. Movement is a great one. A brilliant definition of emotion is ‘energy in motion’. My personal new favourite is to put on a great tune and dance like a lunatic and let everything I’m feeling move through my body. I listened to a Tim Ferris podcast with Aubrey Marcus recently and Aubrey was talking about his ecstatic dance ritual to extract lower emotional feelings out of the body. 

It’s amazing how when we resign ourselves to staying stagnant, we embody that physically and emotionally. We feel tired. We feel worse inside. But just a little movement or environment change can be all we need in that moment to shift and get an extra rung up the emotion ladder. 

 5) Be the inspirer you need

Imagine that your younger, childlike self is feeling how you’re feeling. Going through this experience. What would you do or say to them to help them through? To keep them feeling inspired, safe and nurtured? When I thought of the younger me going through what I was dealing with, it immediately shifted me from victim mode to ‘right, let’s do this!’ because I want to take care of her. I’d hate to think of my 7-year-old vulnerable self feeling unsafe in the world and in her body. So by giving her that reassurance that everything is ok, it gives me that too. By taking care of her, I take care of me. It helps me access an innate kind of wisdom where nothing can stand in the way of my healing - for my 35-year-old self right now and for my 7-year-old self. 

Just know that whatever heartbreak you’re going through, it will pass. Feel it, be ok with it, know that it’s a human experience, know that like a captain steering a ship sometimes you have to adapt and go left, sometimes you have to go right; it isn’t a linear path. Do what you can to keep yourself moving forward a tiny step every single day. That’s all it takes.

Plus, you have your bounce back celebration to keep you going and look forward to! I'm a huge believer in celebrating all the wins and getting through heartbreak is one to be celebrated big time! To help you do that, I’ve just added a really exciting new service to my offerings! I’ll be doing a separate post on that next week but you can read all about it here - events are something I LOVE to plan and it brings me no greater joy than to help clients and friends plan their own bounce back celebrations!

I hope you enjoyed this post and would love to hear your thoughts on your bounce back methods!

Laura x

 

 

There is NOTHING Wrong with you!

Hello!

I haven’t posted on here in so long – I've been prepping my rebrand and relaunch (eep!!!) but I felt really called to write this for you in the meantime.

So. What I want to let you know, is that there is nothing wrong with you.

Something I’m not so keen on within the world of self-help, personal development and coaching (which we often turn to when life throws things at us – like a breakup), is that it can create this idea that something is inherently wrong with us, that a part of us is broken, that we need to be fixed. That a solution needs to be created and a huge change take place.

Honestly though, I don’t want you to believe that. There isn’t anything wrong with you.

What you’ve gone through; a breakup, a bad dating situation, a health struggle, redundancy, tough times in your business, is just an experience. It’s not who you are and it’s not interlinked with your self-worth.

The golden key to getting through it, is to separate the two things.

I’ve recently been working with an incredible client who believed that she couldn’t meet a guy because there was something wrong in how she was approaching dating. Or that there were underlying issues.

We wrapped up the coaching yesterday and the main realisation she had -:

“There really isn’t anything wrong with me at all”

I knew this all along, but through the journaling questions I set her, through getting her to live out her everyday experience to the next level, and by allowing her to have fun with this thing that the coaching world can sometimes call a ‘process’ (I’m not really a fan of that word to be honest!), she grew into this realisation week by week.

The transformation she’s experienced has been pretty magical.

She’s happier.

Feels at peace.

Loves her life that she’s worked so hard to create for herself.

Loves herself.

Has noticed how much attention she’s been getting from guys ;)

She’s reassessed the type of people she wants around her.

She’s really looked at what she wants from a relationship - and being unapologetic about that.

She’s learnt to ask better questions.

She’s become more aware of her presence.

She’s become the creator of her life, her reality.

She doesn’t feel like she’s on a time limit. She can relax.

She knows she can approach everything in HER way. Not society’s way. Not her friend’s way. Not her family’s way. Her way.

And the last thing she said to me, with 100% authenticity.…

“I’m an absolute catch!”

Hell, YES girlfriend! Ha!

I do understand a breakup can be a little more complicated. I know more than ever, believe me. But ultimately, the main part of you that gets damaged following heartbreak is your self-esteem, self-worth and a tarnished belief in yourself. It can be easy to believe that this is a part of who you are.

That’s normal – you’re human and breakups are a part of the human experience. However, just because someone has treated you badly, that you’ve gone through some traumatic events and feel completely rejected, these things are still not YOU. They’re part of your experience and your self-worth is just going to take some nurturing. But it's all there within you. It’s not dependent on how someone else treats you. It’s not dependent on what someone does or says to you.

I know this isn’t easy to take on and put into practice, but that’s why doing your mindset work around it and committing to loving yourself every minute of every day and then some, is so important.

As you might have read from previous posts, I’ve been having quite a hard time with my health the past 18 months. At many points, there have been moments when I’ve berated my body for ‘doing this to me’ and labelled myself as ‘unwell’ and unable to do what I used to do.

Whilst I have had to slow down at times, listen to my body and honour what it needs, when I use the same mindset approach that I’ve just explained and realise that these experiences aren’t me – they’re just that; an experience and my body alerting me that something’s up, that something needs to be adjusted, paid attention to, it just enables me to create this peaceful sense of separation.

My health doesn’t define me. I don’t HAVE to be the sick girl. These health challenges are just a part of my human experience right now but that won’t always be the case.

It’s this mindset that has allowed me to, despite my health, take my business to the next level, stop hiding and help people in a bigger way. I use it as fuel. I use it to get curious about my health as opposed to seeing myself as completely flawed.

You can do the same with a breakup too – or whatever you’re going through. Yes, there will be things you can adjust, change and evolve. You know me, I’m ALL about self-growth. This isn’t about letting yourself off the hook if you want to change something about yourself or your life for the better. It’s just that where you are right now – no matter how bad or in pain you might feel, there is nothing wrong with you.

So I want you to know that.

💖xx

I CANNOT WAIT to debut my new website in June and you can also head to my Facebook page where I’m posting loads of videos and extra posts too. Oh! And ladies! I have created a fab community within a closed Facebook group called Girl Chat with Laura where I post advice videos, free challenges and loads of fun bits and pieces too – come join here, I’d love to have you!

Love, Laura xx

17 Signs that you’re Starting to get over your Ex

A lot of people ask me how long it takes to get over an ex. I don’t care what statistics say, I don’t think it’s particularly measurable because it’s not like you wake up one day and are all of a sudden ‘over them’. Usually, it takes small steps and it gradually happens, often without you even realising.

So here is a quick and dirty list of a few signs that you’re definitely on the right path!

1) You’ve finally started to not need your phone constantly cemented to your hand incase they text or call

2) You’re no longer disappointed if your phone buzzes and it’s not your ex

3) You’re getting better sleep

4) You have even a tiny bit of curiosity about someone else you’ve met or know

5) You’re enjoying spending time with your friends and really appreciating them

6) You’ve taken up a new interest or hobby (or fell in love with an old one) which fills some of the time you spent with your ex

7) Even if you don’t love being alone, you’re ok with it

8) You don’t feel the need to talk about your ex, the breakup, how they hurt you or what they did wrong. That story isn’t the centre of conversation with your friends, family, co-workers or whoever will listen now

9) You still might think about your ex but you think more about the realistic reasons why the relationship ended instead of dwelling on all the good times and thinking you’re now missing out or will never get that back

10) You’re not obsessing over their Facebook, instagram or social media pages trying to decipher what they’re doing and who they’re doing it with

11) You think you might have just flirted a bit with that guy/girl!

12) You’ve stopped or not as tempted to google ’ways to get your ex back’

13) You’re toying with the idea that there could be a better relationship for you out there and there’s a tiny spark of excitement about that prospect

14) You can go out, have a few drinks and enjoy it instead of texting your ex, crying or bitching about them

15) You’re able to laugh and actually have fun (even if it’s just a little bit!) without it feeling forced or like you're putting on a brave face

16) You're not making excuses for or justifying what they did or didn't do that led to the breakup happening. You're starting to think more about what that says about them or the relationship

17) You're starting to focus more on your own health and self-care. It might feel strange but you're becoming more ok with putting yourself first or at least acknowledge that this is the best thing you can do right now

If you’re feeling any of these and you’re considering getting back with your ex because it’s familiar, would be easy or you just wonder what indulging in that craving for nostalgia would lead to, then remember that by feeling any of the above things, you’ve created a shift. You’ve created a shift between the past and present and whilst we would all love to be able to go back down memory lane, in the ‘today’ it probably won’t be as hearts, flowers, roses and unicorns. Because today is different to back then and you're starting to see things differently now.

By feeling any of these things on the list, you’ve pivoted. You've pivoted on a new and more fulfilling path for yourself. Keep on that path, keep doing exactly what you’re doing. Oh, and go flirt some more whilst you’re at it too! ;)